Dan Lake

I just found this article about not "Coddling" your children. The
author starts with this premise, "People are becoming less and less
resilient and more and more clueless on how to survive in the real
world." but then some of his recommendations seem truly awful. At
first glance, I would think any confusion about the "real world" would
come from not spending enough time in it (i.e. School). Read the
article for his solution to coddling and my comments are below the
link.

http://artofmanliness.com/2008/06/03/quit-coddling-your-kids/

I would generally agree with his sentiments around these points:

Give them some independence
Let them do unsafe things
Don't automatically take their side
Don't praise them indiscriminately

and I was simply aghast to read what he wrote in these sections:

Make them work for what they get
Don't be their best friend

In this last section on "Don't be their best friend", he offers this advice:

"If you insist on being your kid's best friend, a situation will
inevitably arise where you do finally try to reign them in and make
them respect you. But it will be too late; they'll feel free to toss
your advice aside like they would for any friend."

He states this as fact, when I think he is absolutely backwards in is
assumption here. Why would you finally need to reign them in as they
were becoming fully grown adults? Why would a child come to you for
advice after 18 years of disrespecting them and forcing your "advice"
as the law of the land?

Sorry this was so wordy.

~Dan

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Dan Lake" <danthedad@...>
wrote:
>> Give them some independence
> Let them do unsafe things

I'd rephrase both of these into "support them in discovering how much
independence they want *and* how much help they want." People of all
ages learn some things on their own and some things with assistance.
Its really really useful to understand one's own learning process -
at any age.

> Don't automatically take their side

This is strange coming right after those first two - in order to give
kids space to try things on their own, we have to be on their side.
We have to be ready to trust - maybe trust with one hand out to catch
them if they fall, but trust that *they* believe they are ready. My
kids are often more ready for whatever they're doing than *I* am ;)

I've also found that my kids do best in social situations when I'm
right there, backing them up. Adults tend to be really grossly
obnoxious to kids and it helps a ton to have another adult
saying "hey, that's not called for." Other kids... how do I put this?
I tend not to "dump" my kids in social situations they aren't ready
to handle. I'm there supporting them. I mean Right There - preferably
where I can see and hear what's going on. Since both my kids have
come to trust that I will back them up, and help them find solutions
to problems, they're both happy to come to me for help solving
problems. So, over time, there are more and more situations where
they say "It's okay, Mer!" Nowadays if my 15yo says he's fine, he's
fine. He'll leave if he's not happy in the situation - he's walked
miles to get away from a conflict and walked out of parties bc he
didn't trust the scene. I've seen him, at the skatepark, plant
himself firmly behind the one adult skater when tempers started to
heat up between the other teens.

> Don't praise them indiscriminately

I don't praise my kids. I say "Thanks" and "I really appreciated
that" and "OMG that was sooooo Cool!" in the same way I would say
those things to a friend. Kids don't Need praise. They need to be
treated like real people.

> and I was simply aghast to read what he wrote in these sections:
>
> Make them work for what they get
> Don't be their best friend

I'm aghast too. Maybe disgusted is a better word, I'm not exactly
surprised.

I think one of the most valuable concepts of radical unschooling is
that its okay - its even desirable - to be my kids' ally.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)

amberlee_b

Amen Dan! I never, ever ask my mom for advice. In fact, I go out of
my way to avoid my family as much and as often as possible. My DH and
I only have each other to rely on here, thankfully no family nearby as
that would make things worse! LOL

Unschooling has given me a better base of how to ask for my children's
opinions and find out why they feel a certain way or want to do
certain things. Was this book written by a so called "expert"?
*sigh* we need fewer experts in the world...

>
> He states this as fact, when I think he is absolutely backwards in is
> assumption here. Why would you finally need to reign them in as they
> were becoming fully grown adults? Why would a child come to you for
> advice after 18 years of disrespecting them and forcing your "advice"
> as the law of the land?
>
> Sorry this was so wordy.
>
> ~Dan
>