Kelly Lovejoy

>>>>>And by the time a kid is a teenager, he or she is essentially beyond most parental authority most of the time if the kid has any independence



at all (like if they sneak what they want outside the home or in their
room), so obviously giving in gracefully to a child's plans or wishes by
then makes a lot of sense no matter what kind of parenting style one had.
What is hard is to decide what to do in the time in between birth and
becoming a teenager.<<<<<

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The "sneaking" COMES with the lack of partnership between the parent and child.

You're setting yourself up to have a child who feels the need to sneak and lie when
you don't groom that relationship *EARLY*.

If a child *always* has "independence"---and I like Meredith's take
better: when a child always has *autonomy*, the child won't feel the
need to sneak around or lie to you. When he knows that you accept that he has automony,
he doesn't have that *need* to "prove" that he's autonomous.

"Giving in gracefully" to my child would NEVER enter my mind---either
when he's a child or a teenager---OR an adult. That's not how our
relationship works. I want to work to help him get what he needs---his
entire LIFE. It may be messy. It may be tough. But I want him as
comfortable in his own skin and in his own home as possible.

It's not all that hard to decide to treat a child as always doing his
best. It may be hard to DO that sometimes, but the decision to
shouldn't be all that hard! <g>

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>>>>>In my family, freedom for *everyone* is important (parents, child, and even
the dogs and pet chickens) but I accept that sometimes these freedoms and
desires conflict (whether when the parents freely want to use their energy
to have the child behave in a different way or vice versa<<<<<

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Why would the goal be to get someone else to act a certain way? You can't control others.

I put all my energy into getting myself to act a certain way. That's
hard enough in itself! When I use all my energy on ME, I don't have
anything left to spend changing others. <g>

What I *do* have left, I tend to spend on the dog. <g> But he seems happy enough.

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>>>>>Perhaps seeking balance is just not unschooling in any way? Can't quality
compassionate childhood education be a balance of the interests of the
parent and the interests of the child? Can one even imagine a happy family
where the interests of both parent and child are not respected to some
degree in some sort of balance?<<<<<

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I think you're very short-sighted when looking at balance. You want ALL balance NOW.

I see it as a life-long pursuit.

A tiny infant cannot hold up *his* end of the teeter-totter. But over
time, with a LOT of help work on *my* part (I take the lion's share of
that effort), he can eventually balance on his own.

A child whose parents do it all for him and who do not let him
experiment on his own may never get the "feel" of the teeter-totter. He
may always need help navigating the thing.

A child whose parents do *nothing* to help him *may* figure it out---but at
what cost? He may fall and break his neck.

What a child NEEDS is a parent who will hold him until he feels the
urge to play more independently. And venture out on his own s-l-o-w-l-y
(or quickly! <g>) until he understands how the teeter-totter
works. To get the feel of the machine. A parent who could suggest a big
rock or three in the pockets might change the dynamics. Or who will let
the child scooch up or back further to experiment. Maybe put a second
child on one side to counter the weight. A parent who won't balk at
using the machine in a way that the "authorities" insist you
don't---like standing at the fulcrum and balancing that way.

The lifelong balance *I* am writing about is the WHOLE life of the
parent-child relationship. When I'm old and feeble, I may want my
children to take me to that same teeter-totter and let me balance. I'll
probably need help. Hopefully, they won't say, "You're old enough to
know how to do that all by yourself!" <g>

Yin-yang: I trust my children; they trust me. I respect my children;
they respect me. I'm kind to my children; they're kind to me. I'm
generous to my children; they're generous with me. I'm patient with my
children; they're patient with me. I accept my children for Who They
Are; they accept me for Who I Am.

As the older, more experienced partner, I choose to take the first steps. I could
try to force them; but that dosn't seem to work for *me*, so why would I expect
my children to buy it? Plus---on the *balance* end of it: if I force THEM (in any way),
what would be their natural response? Balance-wise? To push back? <g>

I honestly can't think of a better-balanced relationship. I just don't need all
the balance at once. I look at the WHOLE picture.



~Kelly




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