Nicole Willoughby

DD9 got a chair to get dd5 a bandaid and then left the chair by the counter. Nate got up on the chair and got into the cabinet and then proceeded to dump a bottle of lotion on the floor and most of a bottle of methyl b-12 on the floor.

Ive talked to both the girls about how important it is to keep certain things up high , not to leave chairs or stools at the counters etc. They forget I know and it happens they are human but I'm still steaming!!!


Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meridith Richardson

perhaps ask them to help clean up the mess and maybe it will help them remember not to levae chairs around?  If they refuse let them know you will do it, but not enjoy it and it amy make you too tired to do something fun later.  I don't claim to know it all, I am still learning every day too.
Meridith


--- On Wed, 12/31/08, Nicole Willoughby <cncnawilloughby@...> wrote:

From: Nicole Willoughby <cncnawilloughby@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] What do you do when you are trying not to blow up at your children?
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, December 31, 2008, 5:29 PM






DD9 got a chair to get dd5 a bandaid and then left the chair by the counter. Nate got up on the chair and got into the cabinet and then proceeded to dump a bottle of lotion on the floor and most of a bottle of methyl b-12 on the floor.

Ive talked to both the girls about how important it is to keep certain things up high , not to leave chairs or stools at the counters etc. They forget I know and it happens they are human but I'm still steaming!!!

Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Dec 31, 2008, at 5:29 PM, Nicole Willoughby wrote:

> Ive talked to both the girls about how important it is to keep
> certain things up high , not to leave chairs or stools at the
> counters etc. They forget I know and it happens they are human but
> I'm still steaming!!!

If you've told them and they can't remember, then they aren't able to
yet. It's like getting mad at an 12 mo who can't walk yet. Your
steaming won't make them walk or not leave chairs.

It's your responsibility to keep the youngest safe, not your kids.
Talk to your kids about other solutions. Stick to the original
problem: keeping dangerous things away from the youngest. Don't try
to fix the kids so they put chairs away. That's not the problem!

The most obvious thing is don't keep the dangerous, messy things
where the kids go to get other things. Reorganize things.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

diana jenner

I listen to Sandra's Parenting Peacefully (either actually listening or
replaying it in my head)
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
(all the way on the bottom)

"It's not fair to them that *this* is the last straw, I need to unload
before dealing with this...." and I go do that, however it is: shower, walk,
jump rope, deep breaths...
"Wait for the next, more peaceful option" means sometimes I'll wait and go
through several steps before finding an option that is peaceful enough for
me to act upon, sometimes it's the second one.
While breathing, I sometimes put myself in the position of the mistaken kid,
how would I want this dealt with? What could be said to the 9 year old me
that would not break down our relationship?
then breathe some more and go hug her. Because you *can* ;)
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com


On Wed, Dec 31, 2008 at 2:29 PM, Nicole Willoughby <
cncnawilloughby@...> wrote:

> DD9 got a chair to get dd5 a bandaid and then left the chair by the
> counter. Nate got up on the chair and got into the cabinet and then
> proceeded to dump a bottle of lotion on the floor and most of a bottle of
> methyl b-12 on the floor.
>
> Ive talked to both the girls about how important it is to keep certain
> things up high , not to leave chairs or stools at the counters etc. They
> forget I know and it happens they are human but I'm still steaming!!!
> .
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Christie Craigie-Carter

Diana,

Thank you so much for this post. I'm in tears reading your post and the
link. I'm still not sure where this unschooling journey will lead us, but I
know that I am ever grateful for those 3 children downstairs from whom I'm
currently escaping (Dad is with them) and that though my problems and stress
is very real, nothing is more important than them, so I am going downstairs
and hugging each one of them and telling them how much I love them. I'm
starting with this moment.

Thank you and Happy New Year!!!!

Christie

On Wed, Dec 31, 2008 at 6:00 PM, diana jenner <hahamommy@...> wrote:

> I listen to Sandra's Parenting Peacefully (either actually listening or
> replaying it in my head)
> http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
> (all the way on the bottom)
>
> "It's not fair to them that *this* is the last straw, I need to unload
> before dealing with this...." and I go do that, however it is: shower,
> walk,
> jump rope, deep breaths...
> "Wait for the next, more peaceful option" means sometimes I'll wait and go
> through several steps before finding an option that is peaceful enough for
> me to act upon, sometimes it's the second one.
> While breathing, I sometimes put myself in the position of the mistaken
> kid,
> how would I want this dealt with? What could be said to the 9 year old me
> that would not break down our relationship?
> then breathe some more and go hug her. Because you *can* ;)
> ~diana :)
> xoxoxoxo
> hannahbearski.blogspot.com
> hannahsashes.blogspot.com
> dianas365.blogspot.com
>
> On Wed, Dec 31, 2008 at 2:29 PM, Nicole Willoughby <
> cncnawilloughby@... <cncnawilloughby%40yahoo.com>> wrote:
>
> > DD9 got a chair to get dd5 a bandaid and then left the chair by the
> > counter. Nate got up on the chair and got into the cabinet and then
> > proceeded to dump a bottle of lotion on the floor and most of a bottle of
> > methyl b-12 on the floor.
>
> >
> > Ive talked to both the girls about how important it is to keep certain
> > things up high , not to leave chairs or stools at the counters etc. They
> > forget I know and it happens they are human but I'm still steaming!!!
> > .
> >
> >
> >
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Nicole Willoughby

I listen to Sandra's Parenting Peacefully (either actually listening or
replaying it in my head)
http://sandradodd. com/parentingpea cefully
(all the way on the bottom)>>>>>>

Thanks! This was very helpful ..not only in dealing with it but know that others get angry, annoyed, stressed etc even when they want to do better.

At that moment I didn't say anything to her about it other than ...there is broken glass out here can you hang out in your room a few minutes? maybe start a movie ...which they did and I brought them some popcorn and coco. ...and I took a few minutes to inventory the situation . Ok broken glass , mess no biggie . how much did he swallow ..estimated to be about 3 doses ..hrmm b-12 water soluble vitamin don't want it to happen again but he will be fine.

I feel so guilty when I'm angry at my kids though esp when its just really not that big of a deal.


Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Nicole Willoughby

It's your responsibility to keep the youngest safe, not your kids.
Talk to your kids about other solutions. Stick to the original
problem: keeping dangerous things away from the youngest. Don't try
to fix the kids so they put chairs away. That's not the problem!>>>>



My first reaction to this was well duh! of course its not their responsibility . Of course the out of place chair isn't the problem. Its not the problem ..then why am i steaming? Because I'm stressed about finances, paying back a huge amount in student loans dh took out , Nate's Dr bills , because , because , because ..but NOT because of a chair or a sweet 9 year old girl.

Then dh came home and said Ill go buy some sort of locking box tomorrow and Courtney said well if I were Nate Id have the hardest time getting to it back in your bathroom on the high cabinet. She's right so medicines, vitamins, etc got moved back there.




Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

amflowers71

Mmmm, this is exactly the stage I am at, but I have quite a strong
feeling that it's not at all unschoolly, both the actions and the
underlying sentiments. Hope someone can explain for us.

Meridith Richardson

awww you really are an awesome mommy.  we all have those gut reactions, good and bad, but you LEARNED from it.  Isn't learning great!!
:)
Hugs,
Meridith


--- On Wed, 12/31/08, Nicole Willoughby <cncnawilloughby@...> wrote:

From: Nicole Willoughby <cncnawilloughby@...>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] What do you do when you are trying not to blow up at your children?
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, December 31, 2008, 11:06 PM






It's your responsibility to keep the youngest safe, not your kids.
Talk to your kids about other solutions. Stick to the original
problem: keeping dangerous things away from the youngest. Don't try
to fix the kids so they put chairs away. That's not the problem!>>>>

My first reaction to this was well duh! of course its not their responsibility . Of course the out of place chair isn't the problem. Its not the problem ..then why am i steaming? Because I'm stressed about finances, paying back a huge amount in student loans dh took out , Nate's Dr bills , because , because , because ..but NOT because of a chair or a sweet 9 year old girl.

Then dh came home and said Ill go buy some sort of locking box tomorrow and Courtney said well if I were Nate Id have the hardest time getting to it back in your bathroom on the high cabinet. She's right so medicines, vitamins, etc got moved back there.

Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Dec 31, 2008, at 5:56 PM, Meridith Richardson wrote:

> perhaps ask them to help clean up the mess and maybe it will help
> them remember not to levae chairs around?

It's possible.

I think better is to just ask for help and accept whatever level of
help they want to give. (Which might be none.)

Ulterior motives are a good thing to let go of, though. It sets kids
up to fail and mom to disappointment. Be as honest with kids as you
want them to be with you :-) Ask for help for help's sake, not
because you want something else to come of it.


> If they refuse let them know you will do it, but not enjoy it and
> it amy make you too tired to do something fun later.

The goal in growing relationships and a joyful environment is kids
who help because they want to, not because they feel guilty.

Think about it this way. If your husband asked if you wanted to help
reroof the house and you knew he wouldn't be disappointed if you said
no, you could freely say

"Yes!"
"I don't mind holding the ladder or handing you shingles but I don't
want to be on the roof."
"I was about to cook dinner."

But if he said "I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it and it might make me
too tired to do something later," how would you feel?

Yes, it's slightly different since you weren't responsible for
ripping off the roof shingles ;-) but it's really mom that wants the
chairs put away and the mess cleaned up. That's her deal and the kids
will be baffled if she treats the event as if it were their mess to
clean up. Just as you wouldn't get it if your husband decided the
roof belonged to you and he was going to the trouble to take care of
your roof.


> I don't claim to know it all, I am still learning every day too.

And often new people do get it! But it's also important to the people
reading to examine ideas sent to the list so new unschoolers can see
why what sounds reasonable to the parents doesn't work the way they
think it should. It's because the kids see the situation from a very
different perspective and they react from their perspective, not from
the parents' perspective. We can't force an adult perspective on kids
by insisting they see it our way. They will eventually grow into an
adult perspective. But while they're kids we'll whittle away at our
relationships if we cling to our perspective instead of shifting to
theirs and seeing the world through their eyes.

Joyce



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meridith Richardson

very good points Joyce.  Thanks for helping me re-think things.
:)
Meridith


--- On Thu, 1/1/09, Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:

From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] What do you do when you are trying not to blow up at your children?
To: [email protected]
Date: Thursday, January 1, 2009, 5:56 PM







On Dec 31, 2008, at 5:56 PM, Meridith Richardson wrote:

> perhaps ask them to help clean up the mess and maybe it will help
> them remember not to levae chairs around?

It's possible.

I think better is to just ask for help and accept whatever level of
help they want to give. (Which might be none.)

Ulterior motives are a good thing to let go of, though. It sets kids
up to fail and mom to disappointment. Be as honest with kids as you
want them to be with you :-) Ask for help for help's sake, not
because you want something else to come of it.

> If they refuse let them know you will do it, but not enjoy it and
> it amy make you too tired to do something fun later.

The goal in growing relationships and a joyful environment is kids
who help because they want to, not because they feel guilty.

Think about it this way. If your husband asked if you wanted to help
reroof the house and you knew he wouldn't be disappointed if you said
no, you could freely say

"Yes!"
"I don't mind holding the ladder or handing you shingles but I don't
want to be on the roof."
"I was about to cook dinner."

But if he said "I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it and it might make me
too tired to do something later," how would you feel?

Yes, it's slightly different since you weren't responsible for
ripping off the roof shingles ;-) but it's really mom that wants the
chairs put away and the mess cleaned up. That's her deal and the kids
will be baffled if she treats the event as if it were their mess to
clean up. Just as you wouldn't get it if your husband decided the
roof belonged to you and he was going to the trouble to take care of
your roof.

> I don't claim to know it all, I am still learning every day too.

And often new people do get it! But it's also important to the people
reading to examine ideas sent to the list so new unschoolers can see
why what sounds reasonable to the parents doesn't work the way they
think it should. It's because the kids see the situation from a very
different perspective and they react from their perspective, not from
the parents' perspective. We can't force an adult perspective on kids
by insisting they see it our way. They will eventually grow into an
adult perspective. But while they're kids we'll whittle away at our
relationships if we cling to our perspective instead of shifting to
theirs and seeing the world through their eyes.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Nicole Willoughby

I put this ...

while they're kids we'll whittle away at our
relationships if we cling to our perspective instead of shifting to
theirs and seeing the world through their eyes.

Joyce>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In my sig line because I need it somewhere I will see it often . If you want me to remove it for any reason please let me know .



Nicole

Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], Nicole Willoughby
<cncnawilloughby@...> wrote:
>> I feel so guilty when I'm angry at my kids though esp when its
just really not that big of a deal.

Your actions weren't "angry" though (from what you wrote) and that's
important.

Sometimes my thoughts get stuck in a "loop" - I'll replay something
over and over and over and over... waaaaaay past the point of problem
solving a better solution for next time. I used to then feel crummy
about being stuck in that "loop" - what's wrong with me? why can't I
move on? But I've come to realize that its part of my process. If I
can remind myself Gently "move on" (and even better, find a new
direction) then I will move on, more quickly and easily than if I
beat myself up over being stuck. But I have to keep in mind that I'm
sure to go through the "loop" a few more times even after I remind
myself to move on, regardless. Keeping in mind that this is how my
process works is important to helping me be gentle with myself.

Did that make sense or did I manage to talk in circles?

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)

Meredith

--- In [email protected], Meridith Richardson
<ruttegar@...> wrote:
>
> perhaps ask them to help clean up the mess and maybe it will help
>them remember not to levae chairs around? 

I don't find it helpful to have this kind of assumption wrt asking my
kids for help. I *do* ask my kids for help when I want some help, and
when they aren't too terribly busy - but their assistance is a gift.
I don't expect my kids to learn some kind of lesson from it.

> If they refuse let them know you will do it, but not enjoy it and
>it amy make you too tired to do something fun later.

That sort of message is more about guilt than real life consequences.
Picking up a bunch of stuff in the kitchen isn't likely to make me so
tired that I won't want to play with my kids later - its an
unrealistic prediction and kids see through that. They'll know its a
guilt trip.

That being said, my kids and I talk about personal energy levels
pretty regularly. They're both more energetic in the evening than I
am! So there are plenty of times when we've deferred a fun activity
to anther day, or found a way to do it that didn't involve as much
running or jumping on my part ;)

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)