Marla B.

I'm still struggling so much with the seemingly constant conflicts and
feelings of dislike between my 9 yo. and 5 yo. dds. They are both very
energetic, spirited, intelligent girls, but more often than not, they
don't get along. I'm not looking for best friends here, but I do hope
for mutual respect (I know, not an unschooling term and they are
young).

Before the second child was born, I read up a lot about making the
transition for the older child better. Ironically, the very things the
9 yo. constantly tells her sister to stop doing (i.e. talking and
singing all the time, being loud) are identical to her own behavior at
5 yo. However, she didn't have someone constantly telling her to stop,
as she does to her younger sister. I'm afraid she's hurting her
younger sister's self-esteem. She almost bullies her, though, she
doesn't do this with anyone else. Outside of her younger sister, she
is very mature for her age - LOL.

At the same time, I don't want the 9 yo. to feel I'm pushing her away
because of her behavior towards her sister. I try to have one-on-one
time with her (i.e. clothes shopping, movies, dinner), as her sister
does demand a lot of my attention right now. We play games together
and read books.

There are moments where the two get a long, but out of a whole day, it
is usually an hour or less. Their fights are often violent, loud, and
end up with the 5 yo. trying to throw stuff or hit her sister with
things (usually with me in-between trying to protect the older one and
telling the younger one to use words such "I'm mad because XXX.") If
they do start fighting, I try to help them find ways to talk things
through. If that doesn't work I try and get them to find separate
projects in different rooms, but they both want to be with me and get
mad if I say I'm going to go with one or the other. I've read "Sibling
Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish and it was very helpful, but I'm still
having lots of issues.

I know I'm not seeing something and that I'm doing something wrong,
but
I would appreciate others input on how I described the situation and
where I'm blinded.


Thanks again for everything!

Marla

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

If it makes you feel better they sound a lot like me and my younger sister whe we were kids.
We used to fight like casts and dogs.
Things got better as we got older and now we are best friends.
WE talk several times a day on the phone and she even moved across country with her family to be near me.
 
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Beth Fleming

 
Interesting the dynamic given the age difference.....I can relate.  My second child (ds 9) is almost 5 years older than his next youngest sister (dd 5).  It NEVER occured to me that they would not get along becuase of their age difference and their gender difference.  But of all my 4 kids, they seem to have the most difficulty most often.  Siblings without Rivalry has been great....and also remembering that although he is the "older brother", I have to ramp my expectations down for him and not expect that he is necessarily an expert problem solver.  I think for them, the personality differences are so vast (he's REALLY laid back and she's very active and verbal) that they clash a bit more.  I'm hoping with age, they will be able to see more eye to eye...I've even noticed that in the last 6 months, they have more in common.  Oh, and Captain Underpants and Pokemon have helped them immensely to become more buddy-like!
HTH some....
Beth in MA




________________________________
From: Marla B. <marla@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, December 29, 2008 11:10:19 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Still Struggling with conflict between siblings


I'm still struggling so much with the seemingly constant conflicts and
feelings of dislike between my 9 yo. and 5 yo. dds. They are both very
energetic, spirited, intelligent girls, but more often than not, they
don't get along. I'm not looking for best friends here, but I do hope
for mutual respect (I know, not an unschooling term and they are
young).

Before the second child was born, I read up a lot about making the
transition for the older child better. Ironically, the very things the
9 yo. constantly tells her sister to stop doing (i.e. talking and
singing all the time, being loud) are identical to her own behavior at
5 yo. However, she didn't have someone constantly telling her to stop,
as she does to her younger sister. I'm afraid she's hurting her
younger sister's self-esteem. She almost bullies her, though, she
doesn't do this with anyone else. Outside of her younger sister, she
is very mature for her age - LOL.

At the same time, I don't want the 9 yo. to feel I'm pushing her away
because of her behavior towards her sister. I try to have one-on-one
time with her (i.e. clothes shopping, movies, dinner), as her sister
does demand a lot of my attention right now. We play games together
and read books.

There are moments where the two get a long, but out of a whole day, it
is usually an hour or less. Their fights are often violent, loud, and
end up with the 5 yo. trying to throw stuff or hit her sister with
things (usually with me in-between trying to protect the older one and
telling the younger one to use words such "I'm mad because XXX.") If
they do start fighting, I try to help them find ways to talk things
through. If that doesn't work I try and get them to find separate
projects in different rooms, but they both want to be with me and get
mad if I say I'm going to go with one or the other. I've read "Sibling
Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish and it was very helpful, but I'm still
having lots of issues.

I know I'm not seeing something and that I'm doing something wrong,
but
I would appreciate others input on how I described the situation and
where I'm blinded.

Thanks again for everything!

Marla






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]