Kelly Lovejoy

I think it's really, really important to decide on your goals for you and your children. Spend LOTS of time figuring what's important to you.



If it's important to please your own parents, do that. Everything else be damned. Seriously.




If it's important that your children can read and tell time, by all means, find what works best---maybe it's sneaked in journals and calendars and clocks. Maybe it's worksheets and textbooks. Do whatever you think it takes. Seriously.




If it's bedtimes or "Mommy/Daddy time," make sure the kids are IN BED. Seriously



But if your *relationship* with your child is THE most important thing in your goal-box, do whatever THAT takes.




Years ago, Ren wrote a beautiful piece about what her goals for her kids were. I don't know whether she (or someone else) can find it, but it was inspirational.




I KNOW---without a shadow of a doubt---that my boys will learn what's important to them. And I figure that a LOT of that stuff will be what their schooled and traditionally homeschooled friends are being forced, cajoled, and bribed to learn. It probably *won't* be learned at the same time, and my guess is that my boys' learning will actually be remembered a lot longer. But most of the same schtuff will be covered---in their own time. And they have their entire lives to pursue what calls to them.




So, I figure the "academic" junk is covered---it just makes sense. ALL that they need will be learned. Simple.




I figure that th
ey will sleep when they are tired, wake when they are rested, eat what makes them feel good, and exercise when they need to. I can't know what they need---only they can. I *can* help, though!!! A lot!




So...what's my next role? *Our* relationship. And their relationships with others. Relationships aren't built overnight. Relationships takes years of trust and respect and generosity and patience and honesty. 




I can't risk pulling the wool over their eyes. I need to be up-front and honest. If I were to use a Sneaky Chef recipe because I thought we lacked something in our diets, I would say, "I fixed this with zucchini for extra vitamin X. Can you taste the zucchini? Is it off-putting? Do you like it better?" It's not worth the sneaking.




I figure I've been given a finite number of "trust cards." I use them as rarely as I can. "Trust me; you'll like it." But it's important that I make each card *count*!!! I used one last August when I wanted to go kayaking for my birthday. After all the hurry-upping and waiting we did, the hauling of the equipment to the river, the lugging of the heavy equipment into the river, and the endless instructions, I thought I was going to lose a lot of trust points with Duncan---it was NOT what he was expecting.




But as *soon* as he was IN the water and piloting his own kayak, he was HOOKED!  We *all* were! It was a fantastic day. And my trust cards were---not only all there---but I had some extras added to my de
ck! <G> 




I take all this very seriously. My relationship takes precedence over their learning. I KNOW they will learn---that's a no-brainer. I also know how easily a relationship can be damaged. I take their feelings and their wants and their anxieties seriously. I can't always fix things or get things---but they do know I *want* to! <G> And that I will do what I can. They also know that they can trust me and depend on me---even when I don't agree with them.




Spend some time to decide what your goals are. Then make THAT the priority. Whatever it is.



~Kelly





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Latha Poonamallee

I don't post much but wanted to share my experience of being a daughter and a parent. I grew up in a very traditional and communal culture in which my parents were more worried about whether we children act in a way that enhances 'family' (both nuclear and extended) status in the community than the quality of our rleationship per se. Fortunately, in my community, status also included formal education (which gave me independence, freedom, and mobility as an adult). As a graduating high schooler, I was expected to do really well, and I stood 72nd among literally millions of test takers to get into perhaps the most competitive institution in the world (IIT), but dropped out of it in just two weeks. I did not want to be an engineer.

Yes, I learnt, performed very well in the formal academic route but my relationship with my parents have also been a yo-yo, embrace-abandonment over many, many years. It has taken a long time (my parents were ready to grow up too) for us to reach what it is now - mutual respect (mostly), compassion and caring for each other, but not intimacy. I feel emotionally bound to them, but not intimate, if you can tell the difference. For a long time (and sometimes even now), I was not sure they actually love 'me'. I want/ed my relationship with my child to be qualitatively different. I cannot begin to say how gratified I was when Viyan, my son (6) and I were talking about family and he came up with our family motto - "Be kind and keep a curious mind". Thinking about values and goals - personal and family is so important. I know it is very easy for me to slip back into a benovelent,loving but authoritative role as a mother but our family motto (that he came up
with) is a reminder for me.

Warmly

Latha

Kelly Lovejoy

I'm sorry you had that on again-off again relationship with your parents. It seems conditional and strained.



But I'm happy for your relationship with your thoughtful child. <G>


~Kelly




-----Original Message-----
From: Latha Poonamallee <pclatha@...>








I don't post much but wanted to share my experience of being a daughter and a
parent. I grew up in a very traditional and communal culture in which my parents
were more worried about whether we children act in a way that enhances 'family'
(both nuclear and extended) status in the community than the quality of our
rleationship per se. Fortunately, in my community, status also included formal
education (which gave me independence, freedom, and mobility as an adult). As a
graduating high schooler, I was expected to do really well, and I stood 72nd
among literally millions of test takers to get into perhaps the most competitive
institution in the world (IIT), but dropped out of it in just two weeks. I did
not want to be an engineer.

Yes, I learnt, performed very well in the formal academic route but my
relationship with my parents have also been a yo-yo, embrace-abandonment over
many, many years. It has taken a long time (my parents were ready to grow up
too) for us to reach what it is now - mutual respect (mostly), compassion and
caring for each other, but not intimacy. I feel emotionally bound to them, but
not intimate, if you can tell the difference. For a long time (and sometimes
even now), I was not sure they actually love 'me'. I want/ed my relationship
with my child to be qualitatively different. I cannot begin to say how gratified
I was when Viyan, my son (6) and I were talking about family and he came up with
our family motto - "Be kind and keep a curious mind". Thinking about values and
goals - personal and family is so important. I know it is very easy for me to
slip back into a benovelent,loving but authoritative role as a mother but our
family motto (that he came up
with) is a reminder for me.

Warmly

Latha










[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

pclatha

Thanks. But where we are now is so much better than where we were
and it convinced me (in a sense) that love does conquer! Peaceful
relationships are not just for children and partners but also for
raising parents:)

Latha

-- In [email protected], Kelly Lovejoy
<kbcdlovejo@...> wrote:
>
> I'm sorry you had that on again-off again relationship with your
parents. It seems conditional and strained.
>
>
>
> But I'm happy for your relationship with your thoughtful child. <G>
>
>
> ~Kelly
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Latha Poonamallee <pclatha@...>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I don't post much but wanted to share my experience of being a
daughter and a
> parent. I grew up in a very traditional and communal culture in
which my parents
> were more worried about whether we children act in a way that
enhances 'family'
> (both nuclear and extended) status in the community than the
quality of our
> rleationship per se. Fortunately, in my community, status also
included formal
> education (which gave me independence, freedom, and mobility as an
adult). As a
> graduating high schooler, I was expected to do really well, and I
stood 72nd
> among literally millions of test takers to get into perhaps the
most competitive
> institution in the world (IIT), but dropped out of it in just two
weeks. I did
> not want to be an engineer.
>
> Yes, I learnt, performed very well in the formal academic route
but my
> relationship with my parents have also been a yo-yo, embrace-
abandonment over
> many, many years. It has taken a long time (my parents were ready
to grow up
> too) for us to reach what it is now - mutual respect (mostly),
compassion and
> caring for each other, but not intimacy. I feel emotionally bound
to them, but
> not intimate, if you can tell the difference. For a long time (and
sometimes
> even now), I was not sure they actually love 'me'. I want/ed my
relationship
> with my child to be qualitatively different. I cannot begin to say
how gratified
> I was when Viyan, my son (6) and I were talking about family and
he came up with
> our family motto - "Be kind and keep a curious mind". Thinking
about values and
> goals - personal and family is so important. I know it is very
easy for me to
> slip back into a benovelent,loving but authoritative role as a
mother but our
> family motto (that he came up
> with) is a reminder for me.
>
> Warmly
>
> Latha
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>