Tracee

The tape recorded negative voices from my childhood are very very
strong and loud. I am making things much harder than they have to be
because of that. The gentler I try to be with my kids in moments of
frustration, the louder the "i need to be in control!" voices get.
I'm bigger than you, I know better than you, I'm the boss, can't you
do anything right...those are the voices. I tried to quit unschooling
this week, thinking if I just gave in to the negative voices they'd
calm down. It's too late for that. LOL. I've already had a taste of
how good things can be when the tape recorder is off and things are
running smoothly. My husband is a big reinforcement officer for the
voices too, so this journey is very difficult! Balance is something
I'm striving for, balance in meeting my own needs, my kids' needs, and
my husband's too. This is very difficult. In my moments of regret
after screaming at my children and quitting unschooling, I have phoned
unschooling friends who give me the very simple advice of changing my
perspective. I was on another list for a bit, and the first time I
was given that idea, I misunderstood and thought I was being told to
deny my feelings and just get over them. I understand now that's not
what it means to reframe things and change perspective. And putting
things in a different perspective doesn't deny what I'm feeling, it
truly does change how I see the situation and therefore how I react to
it. The thing I need help with now though, is how to pinch myself or
something in the moment that I need to change perspective. I get so
far ahead of myself in my moments of frustration, that I simply fall
right back in with the tape recordings from my childhood. There is no
pause, there is no thought, it's like I'm on auto-pilot. I have
always had a tough time remembering my resources in moments of anger,
upset, etc. Does anyone have any tricks up their sleeve for this?
Like, I need an LED screen to pop up in front of my face and say
TRACEE! BE CALM. BE GENTLE. BE POSITIVE. So, with that not really
being an option, any other in the moment reminder ideas? Thank you.

~Tracee

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Tracee"
<HoneyBeeECPlus3@...> wrote:
>> The thing I need help with now though, is how to pinch myself or
> something in the moment that I need to change perspective. I get so
> far ahead of myself in my moments of frustration, that I simply fall
> right back in with the tape recordings from my childhood. There is
no
> pause, there is no thought, it's like I'm on auto-pilot.

Is there a moment when you realize "this isn't how I want to be
handling thing"? You can stop in the *middle* of a rant/tantrum/not-
so-skillful reaction - I've done it plenty of times. The longer I
unschool the more likely I am to "catch" myself before I get started,
but its not every time. I'm human and falible and fall on my nose, so
to speak. I've also noticed that, after lots of practice, I "catch"
myself much sooner even if I *do* have a tantrum.

One of the "tricks" I use... not so much to catch myself as to give
myself time and space to react and still be able to move into
gentler, more respectful problem solving is to make big sounds
instead of saying (or yelling) something specific. Its not ideal - a
giant "Arrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!" can be pretty intimidating, but it does
give me a way to release some energy and take a good deep breath in
the process. So I'm able to say "Arrrrggghh! I'm So Frustrated!" and
then move on to "I'm sorry I yelled, I'm very frustrated. I need a
moment to calm down and then I can help you (or whatever)."

> The gentler I try to be with my kids in moments of
> frustration, the louder the "i need to be in control!" voices get.

I wonder... can you "add" something to that idea, rather than trying
to get rid of it? Can you change it to "I need to be in control Of
Myself" ?

Something I've always been able to do is "tie" one idea to another. I
don't know if its something you could learn to do or not. Its kind of
like the old trick of tying a piece of string around a finger as a
reminder. I'll "tie" a mental "red flag" to a word or combination of
words as a way to get my own attention. So if there are common words
or phrases that go through your mind, maybe you can "red flag" them,
somehow. "Need" might be a word to red flag. If you are thinking "I
need xyz" the flag reminds you to stop and ask "what do I mean
by "need"? surely I'll survive five more minutes of this (mess,
racket, whatever)". "Control" is a really good word to red flag. Its
possible to manipulate, coerce, and force people to do things, but
you really can't control anyone but yourself.

Something else that I've found helpful is to play out different kinds
of scenarios *****in my mind**** and practice having different
reactions. When I'm in a crappy mood I tend to play a lot of negative
reactions - that's part of my process. After a few dozen
mental "plays" of me snarling, bitching or whining I get sick of all
that and start wanting to "play" some nicer parts. I find that I'll
have to play some "junk" interspersed with nice stuff for awhile,
until its all out of my system, though. That's a big part of how I
change my perspective overall - I find ways to think and feel all the
rotten stuff *first* and only gradually shift to the sweet stuff.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)

susanleeb52

Here are some things that have helped me (and believe me, I have good
days and bad days--but the payoff to this kind of work is tremendous!)

First, remembering to just take a breath. It's simple and wordless
to remember, and it gives my brain a minute to access real thinking,
not just reactions.

Said to myself:

"He's doing the best he can."
"What is really going on here?"
"What does this moment require?"
"He is learning from you every minute--what do you want him to learn
*right now* about anger/control/solutions/what to do when things
don't go your way?"

A helpful thought I got from Everyday Blessings: Just because you
are having an emotion doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Some things I might say out loud:

"How can I help?"
"I *know* there's a solution here, let's see if we can figure it out."
"I'm not saying you *can't* do X, but please stop for a minute and
let's think about what might happen."
And of course, more often than I would like, "I'm really sorry I
yelled."

I pin notes to myself in places where I will see them often. Right
now, under my kitchen cabinet is a scrap of paper that says, "Be
kind."

I sometimes bellow "Arghh!!" like Meredith; if I accompany it with a
sort of crazy ape-dance, it lets off even more steam and usually
makes us both laugh. Then we can "re-wind" and try again from a
better place.

I hope some of this helps.

Susan in AZ

Tracee

thank you all who responded. i think one of the major things that
will help me is to be mindful ALL of the time of how I want to be a
peaceful parent. duh. LOL. if i can just be present in each moment
and work in each moment on being calm and peaceful, i think i can
prevent most of my issues from raging up. as for the rewinding, yes,
i do that quite often. and i will work on replacing the word control
or attaching "Myself" to it. thanks again. going downstairs to watch
blues clues with my boys. who will probably immediately leave the
area, because they actually have been wanting this computer as long as
i've been on it. :)

~tracee





>
> --- In [email protected], "Tracee"
> <HoneyBeeECPlus3@> wrote:
> >> The thing I need help with now though, is how to pinch myself or
> > something in the moment that I need to change perspective. I get so
> > far ahead of myself in my moments of frustration, that I simply fall
> > right back in with the tape recordings from my childhood. There is
> no
> > pause, there is no thought, it's like I'm on auto-pilot.
>
> Is there a moment when you realize "this isn't how I want to be
> handling thing"? You can stop in the *middle* of a rant/tantrum/not-
> so-skillful reaction - I've done it plenty of times. The longer I
> unschool the more likely I am to "catch" myself before I get started,
> but its not every time. I'm human and falible and fall on my nose, so
> to speak. I've also noticed that, after lots of practice, I "catch"
> myself much sooner even if I *do* have a tantrum.
>
> One of the "tricks" I use... not so much to catch myself as to give
> myself time and space to react and still be able to move into
> gentler, more respectful problem solving is to make big sounds
> instead of saying (or yelling) something specific. Its not ideal - a
> giant "Arrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!" can be pretty intimidating, but it does
> give me a way to release some energy and take a good deep breath in
> the process. So I'm able to say "Arrrrggghh! I'm So Frustrated!" and
> then move on to "I'm sorry I yelled, I'm very frustrated. I need a
> moment to calm down and then I can help you (or whatever)."
>
> > The gentler I try to be with my kids in moments of
> > frustration, the louder the "i need to be in control!" voices get.
>
> I wonder... can you "add" something to that idea, rather than trying
> to get rid of it? Can you change it to "I need to be in control Of
> Myself" ?
>
> Something I've always been able to do is "tie" one idea to another. I
> don't know if its something you could learn to do or not. Its kind of
> like the old trick of tying a piece of string around a finger as a
> reminder. I'll "tie" a mental "red flag" to a word or combination of
> words as a way to get my own attention. So if there are common words
> or phrases that go through your mind, maybe you can "red flag" them,
> somehow. "Need" might be a word to red flag. If you are thinking "I
> need xyz" the flag reminds you to stop and ask "what do I mean
> by "need"? surely I'll survive five more minutes of this (mess,
> racket, whatever)". "Control" is a really good word to red flag. Its
> possible to manipulate, coerce, and force people to do things, but
> you really can't control anyone but yourself.
>
> Something else that I've found helpful is to play out different kinds
> of scenarios *****in my mind**** and practice having different
> reactions. When I'm in a crappy mood I tend to play a lot of negative
> reactions - that's part of my process. After a few dozen
> mental "plays" of me snarling, bitching or whining I get sick of all
> that and start wanting to "play" some nicer parts. I find that I'll
> have to play some "junk" interspersed with nice stuff for awhile,
> until its all out of my system, though. That's a big part of how I
> change my perspective overall - I find ways to think and feel all the
> rotten stuff *first* and only gradually shift to the sweet stuff.
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
>