seccotine_ch

Hi everybody !

Sylvain is almost 8 and we've been unschooling for two years now. I
firmly believe that this is the best path for all of us - though not
the easiest for me, maybe ...

I trust my kids to know what is good for them and to show me what they
need, but I find it very hard to trust myself. I have the feeling that
I don't have what it takes to be an unschooling mom.

So what does it take ?

- being a good listener (I could do better)
- being available for them at any time
- being able to support them on their projects without interfering in
them or turning them into "study units" of any kind.
- knowing when to turn to books or material to help them when they
need (for instance, my daughter want me to teach her how to read - I
don't know how to do that).
- proposing a lot of interesting things to do, without feeling
rejected when they're not interested in them.
- trusting them even when they spend their whole day playing with the
Nintendo.

- turning a deaf ear to all the people who give me unsollicited advise
about : how to teach things to my kids, why I should put them back to
school, why HOMEschooling is so much better than UNschooling, why
diplomas are so important in our world and so on and so forth

Oh, and also to those who feel so sorry for my kids being kept away
from this wonderful institution, and from all these great things and
projects they do ...

Actually, the only person who agrees with me is my husband. I have ONE
friend who is also homeschooling, but she is really far from
unschooling and sincerely thinks that teaching french and mathematics
to her kids is necessary.

Which is not completely false, as we have to comply to annual testing,
here in Geneva (Switzerland). At his first test, my son was in the
average for reading (though I never taught him anything directly) and
his results weren't very good in maths. The only way to escape testing
is to enroll in a correspondance school and send its reports to the
Public School Department.

So here I am, full of trust, on one hand, and doubts, on the other
hand. Hard to keep deschooling your own mind without help (I don't
believe all the things people tell me, it's not that the problem, it's
just that I can't share my thoughts/doubts/reflexions with anyone, as
everybody believes I'm so wrong doing what I do).

I try not to feel pressured by the disapproval around me, and most of
the time, I succeed, but not always. Sometimes, it comes back to me,
and I think "Oh my God, what if THEY were right ? Who am I to know
better ?"

Unschooling feels so right to me - and still, I have doubts. About me,
about the context (maybe unschooling isn't possible when EVERYBODY
goes to school around you and believes it's the best thing ever
created), about the fact that we'll be able to bypass the compulsory
testing ...

How is it for you ? In your unschooling path, how helpful is the
context ? Is it as favorable as it looks from abroad ? What is the
part of your inner resources ? What are the required qualities for
being a unschooling mom, an unschooling family ? What could ruin an
unschooling project ?

Hope my questions aren't too confused.

As always, I'm deeply grateful for your answers and insights.

Helen, unschooling mom of Sylvain (8), Cyrielle (6) and Circé (3), in
Geneva, Switzerland

balickgoodmanfamily

Dear Helen -

What really help me, sometimes, is to take the 10,000 foot view.

What does my child want? What brings him joy? What makes him sparkle?
How can I help facilitate their growth, both emotionally, physically,
mentally?
How can I make myself a better person and help myself emotionally,
physically, mentally?

Keeping the focus small and on your child and your family, can help
find less importance in what others think.

Take care, Lyssa

lyeping2008

Hi Helen,

You wrote :->>I have the <feeling that I don't have what it takes to
be an >>unschooling mom.

Bear in mind my tone is coming across gentle and kind.


Why do you have so little faith in yourself that what you're doing
is the best for your kids? That you've given them a better option
than schooling. That your love and concern for thier well being is
all that it needs to guide you and your kids towards a better future?

Unschooling is an ongoing process. It is about living and learning
as we go along. It doesn't have guidelines or dealines.



> So what does it take ? being a good listener (I could do better)
> being available for them at any time


I don't know for I am not a very good listener, but I do pay
attention to what my kid is doing and saying, all the time while I'm
cooking, reading or tidying my house. I don't have to sit down and
listen intently but I do listen to him. Like from which toy he would
like to what cartoon he is watching; to asking him why is he
crushing poor little Lego man with his Lego mail van LOL!!

Well it is obvious the "van" is running over the Lego man, but I
really wanted to know why would the "van" run over the man so many
times LOL!

I asked and listen to his explanation what he's doing, where is he
driving his "new sport car" to, and what new furniture have he got
in his house in Grand Theft Auto game.

I listen to him explaining to me what he had to do in his new Batman
Lego game, and watch him acting out the Lego Cat woman's and Poison
Ivy's mannerisms.

Nowadays, I'm not really that focused on him.

Even tho I am always at home, I'm not necessary available to him all
the time, like now, I'm typing my "3 hour" response to you (yeah,
I'm abit slow in typing), DS is playing at the front room on his
own. Occasionally I'll asked what is he doing?

It's like we're in the same house, we're each doing our own thing
but we are aware what we each is doing. I supposed I am listening,
by taking interest with whatever he is doing.

Like if I put on a new cd, I'll asked if he's got any music
preferance? So when he tells me which cd he wants, I'm listening.




> - being able to support them on their projects without interfering
in them or turning them into "study units" of any kind.
> - knowing when to turn to books or material to help them when they
> need (for instance, my daughter want me to teach her how to read -
I don't know how to do that).


You wrote "I trust my kids to know what is good for them and to show
me what they need".

If you trust your kids to know what they want, then let THEM SHOW
YOU what to do.

You need to allow them to take control and ownership of thier
learning and interest directions, by allowing them to do whatever
thier heart tells them to.

And when they don't want to do it, then they don't want to do it.
Simple as that. If you want to do it, then you do it instead.

Don't impose your expectation on them.

For example- your daughter wants to learn to read. Can she read
already? Let's explore the many ways to leanr to read. Computer?
Electronic books?

If not, start easy by letting her pick the books she likes. Library
near you? Go to a library, and allow her to pick the books that she
like and read together. By giving her freedom to choose what and how
she wants to read, you are facilitating her learning.

I believe reading to the child facilitates thier reading. I also
believe reading for pleasure should come first before learning to
read. Despite the fact that my son is very advance in reading
skills, he prefers me reading to him. In the library, he'll pick the
books he wants to "read" and I'm his "reading machine" LOL!!


> - proposing a lot of interesting things to do, without feeling
> rejected when they're not interested in them.
>>What could ruin an unschooling project?


Your expectations!!! When you expect co-orporation, results or an
ending, you WILL ruin any project.

Remember, it's THE KID"S project, and their interest, and thier
curiosities that's needed to be quench. Not yours.


I like astronomy, but my kid thinks it's ultimate boring LOL!! I
would never force him to sit down and do one of those astronomy kits
with me. He'll say "you do it, and show it to me afterwards". Of
which, when finished, he's quite happy to claimed it as his, to be
part of his Star Wars Lego's set up LOL!!


You also have to allow them to be able to change thier mind and
switch to something different, if they deem fit. You have to trust
they know what they are doing best for their mind (tho not necessary
for thier body LOL! but that's another whole unschooling chapter on
learning to trust our kids to eat what they need LOL!!)

So the kids will only take the project as far as they want to. Once
they had enough, they will want to move onto another interest/
project.


My kid's projects is always on an on-going or KIV basis. Sometimes
he'll start a project he thinks is fun, but stop 5 minutes into it
because he realised it's harder than he expected it to be; or too
much work and not willing to sacrifice his time on it; or it's just
plain boring.

Ok, I'm cool with that and he'll either go onto something easier or
decide to watch tv instead.

But a few days later, he might decide he'll give it ago again, now
that he knows what to expect.

So if I did have an expectation of some sort, I would have got upset
with him, and that inturn would have frightened him off trying
anything in the future, because he definetely wouldn't want me
getting upset with him again.




> - trusting them even when they spend their whole day playing with
> the Nintendo.

There is a big difference between "accomodating" and "trusting".
Accomodating is when you allow the child to do what they want,
without understanding why, other than because it is just what
unschoolers do.

Trusting is about understanding and accpeting and having confidence
in that your child knows his/ her own way to happiness and
contentment to adulthood and life.


Yes, I trust my kid is doing something good for himself in whatever
he is doing all the time. And that he will grow up learning to
listen to his own better judgement, relevant to his life, and not
mine.

And this may include not having a diploma at all.


Do you really trust you kids that much, that you believe every
moment, every decision they make is contributing to a better future
for themselves?




> - turning a deaf ear to all the people who give me unsollicited
>advise about : how to teach things to my kids, why I should put
>them back to school, why HOMEschooling is so much better than
>UNschooling, why diplomas are so important in our world and so on
>and so forth


You're tired of listening!! So tell them you're not being rude, but
would prefer not to listen to THIER opinion. If they pursue, then
THEY ARE BEING RUDE! Which gives you every right to be rude by
telling them to mind thier own bl**dy business!


Nevermind what everybody says, but DO YOU THINK IT IS A PROBLEM?
Because if you don't, then why shoudl you care what other people
say? Do they pay your bills? Do they feed you? Do you need them? Do
they REALLY know best? WHO ARE THEY?

Why do you need them?

Diplomas!! Asked yourself this question. The world is at war
everywhere. Nobody knows what's gonna happen in the next 2 or 3 or 5
years?

What good is a diploma do should your children find themselves in a
war zone? I know this is a very harsh and seem not relevant
question, but nobody can say for sure it won't happen.

So what's so good of a diploma is the holder itself is so unsure of
his/ her life? I know so many uni- graduated people, so unhappy and
stuck with thier life!

I, for one, would prefer my kid's happiness more than any piece of
paper qualification. I don't believe that without a piece of paper,
my son is any less qualified than any other person in his choice of
career. I also believe should my son requires a diploma or degree,
then he'll see sense for it, and will work towards it.

My kid wants to be a toy shop owner, so no need for diploma or
degree for that. Before this, he wants to be a train driver, again
no need for a diploma for that. Maybe afew years from now, he'll
tell me he wants to be in the medical profession, only then we'll
start thinking what's necessary then.

At the moment, nobody can distinguish a good diploma from a bad
diploma because it is already so generic. Everbody can get a
diplomma, or a degree or a MBA.


>Oh, and also to those who feel so sorry for my kids being kept away
> from this wonderful institution, and from all these great things
and projects they do ...


Just smile at thier ignorance, and tell yourself (and BELIVE IT)
that you have better common sense and a better brain to see that is
SO NOT TRUE!!!

Acknowledge what they are saying is VERY relevant and APPLICABLE to
THIER life, but not relevant to yours.

Believe and acknowledge and ACCEPT that your life IS different, and
as such will have different needs.



> Actually, the only person who agrees with me is my husband.

Good, if your husband believe you, then it must mean you're not
crazy LOL!!!



>I have ONE friend who is also homeschooling, but she is really far
>from unschooling and sincerely thinks that teaching french and
>mathematics to her kids is necessary.

Yes, acknowledge that her beliefs is true and sincerely RELEVANT
only to her life and her kids. Not you, and your kids.


If i say I believe eating alot of chillies is good for my body, it's
my cultural beliefs for centuries, does this means its' good for you
too? NO!! Of course not, too much chillies might hurt you and give
you severe gastric problems. But then, why not, becuase it doesn't
hurt me, and my tummy's fine and my ancestors had fantastic
health??!!

See what I mean? Look at it this manner. What is relevant and
perceived good for another person's mind, is not necessary good for
you and your kids.



> Which is not completely false, as we have to comply to annual
testing, > here in Geneva (Switzerland). At his first test, my son
was in the average for reading (though I never taught him anything
directly) and his results weren't very good in maths. The only way
to escape testing is to enroll in a correspondance school and send
its reports to the Public School Department.


I'll say "Amazing!! we never taught him anything, and already he's
passed his first reading test and didn't come out zero on his
maths!!" Proves that he is not brain dead sitting around playing
games.


I don't know your laws there, but if by testing and your son is
doing enough to fullfill the criteria, so then it is enough. There
is no need to do anymore, to show who?!



> So here I am, full of trust, on one hand, and doubts, on the other
> hand. Hard to keep deschooling your own mind without help (I don't
> believe all the things people tell me, it's not that the problem,
>it's just that I can't share my thoughts/doubts/reflexions with
>anyone, as everybody believes I'm so wrong doing what I do).
> > Unschooling feels so right to me - and still, I >have doubts.
About me, about the context (maybe unschooling isn't >possible when
EVERYBODY goes to school around you and believes it's >the best
thing ever created), about the fact that we'll be able to >bypass
the compulsory testing ...


You're tired, You're burnt out. You're not that convinced if you're
doing the right thing. Whihc is why when EVERYONE IS TELLING and
SHOWING YOU SO.

You "allowed" their opinion to make you think you're doing wrong.
Whcih is why they succeed into making you feel like a failure,
because you, yourself is not sure of yourself.

You're giving them the impression that you don't really know what
you're doing, which is why you're get all this un-solicited advise.

Be confident. Exudes it and show them you're happy with what you're
doing. Don't get drawn into moaning about anything the kids is NOT
doing. Stay clamed up until your confident enough to flaunt your
unschooling.


But if you have to share, share good things. I find sharing little
happy things works like a dream, like his Lego buidling, his fire
burning activities, my son's great sense of money counting.

Infact, when I start rattling off al these good and happy moments,
it usually never fails to start the other mothers off, moaning
about thier kid's in-competencies!!

I'm amazed by how many parents always fails to see the best in their
kids, instead always highlights thier kid's "not doing enough"
moments!

My favourite is mentioning which grade of Jumpstart (pc educational
games that my kid likes) program my kid's on. He's 8, and is between
Grade 3-5.




> How is it for you ?

My family's unschooling success is due to conviction, determination
and PROUD TO BE DIFFERENT!!

I do flaunt that we are different, and we enjoy it. I am rebellious
to start off with.



>> What is the> part of your inner resources ?

My son is the focus of my determination. Read what I've written to
Christie's post of "1st week into unschooling" , and you'll
understand that I am passionate about nurturing my son's uniqueness.
And nothing will deter or convince me otherwise, for I am following
my son's lead in his unschooling.

This is what I call trusting your kids. Allowing you kid to grow and
florish the way they deemed fit, and YOU, being the mother, should
be like the Lioness, fiercely protecting them and ensuring that they
have the best possible and safe environment to grow up in, without
any other busybody's interferring opinion and beliefs.

Think it this way, if your kid is a lion cub, you wouldn't allow the
Baa Baa Sheep Mummy to tell you that you need to fed your kids grass
and teach them to live happily and contently by grazing thier life
away on sweet grass, would you?

Of course NOT. Your kids are lions! And should do what Lions do.
Play and hunt! Not eat grass!!!

So be that Lioness now! Trust you can do no wrong by protecting them
from this "controlling, generic brainwashed world". Trust that you
can do no harm to your kids, no matter how stupid you were in maths
(in this case, I'm referring to myself LOL!!)




>> What are the required qualities for being a unschooling mom, an
unschooling family ?

Patience, determination and thick skin LOL!!

LOVE - Great love for your kids, and the determination to give them
the best, which is what you're already doing by unschooling them.

Keep this in FOCUS. Write it down and paste it up! LOVE.



I live exactly on the school path, a few block away from the school,
and everyone around me goes to school. I'm the only unschooling
mother, amongst all the homeschooling groups we attend. But
my "structured" homescooling friends still happily shares what they
are doing in thier lives, and I don't feel like I'm any of a lesser
mother that they are, just because I don't do lessons.

I am happy to hear what they are doing, because it's what they
believe and obviously thrived in. It works for them, so I'm happy
for them. But because I have this "i'm happy and proud we don't do
lessons" approach, they are equally happy to accept me for what I
am - The Wierd One!!! LOL!!

But I am happy being the wierd one out!! LOL!!


I believe it's time that you should stop worrying about not being
fit enough to unschool, and just live your life the way you want.

I do think you have yet to unschool yourself too, so go on, take a
year long sabbatical from being a conventional "do it right mum" and
just melt and fall apart. Be un-conventional for once.

I think you're being too hard on yourself by measuring what you're
doing and not doing. By listening to what other people said, is you
measuring yourself againt thier judgement.

To me unschooling is about being our trueselves, being individuals,
being unique, and this cannot possibly be measured against anything.

Once you understand that, everything will fall in place naturally
and painlessly.


Hope this helps.

Best Wishes,
SharonBugs.

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "seccotine_ch"
<seccotine@...> wrote:
>> I trust my kids to know what is good for them and to show me what
they
> need, but I find it very hard to trust myself. I have the feeling
that
> I don't have what it takes to be an unschooling mom.

That was *my* biggest hurdle, in terms of trust, too, early in my
unschooling journey. To some extent, time was the biggest help. The
more I could see my kids growing and learning and becomming, despite
me sometimes! the easier it was to trust that I really could be their
partner, imperfect as I am.

To some extent, our very imperfection is one of the great gifts we
have to give our children - because they get to see real grown up
people learning through living. That's not something school can
offer, or even "do it bc I'm the mom" parenting. Its a plus, I
promise!

What does it take to be an effective unschooling parent? My list is
different from yours:

Being willing to appologise.
Being willing to change your mind.

Having an idea of what your principles/core values are. That's pretty
important. It gives you a place to start figuring out how you want to
act/respond - and catching yourself when you go "wrong" by your own
standards. Then, if necessary, you can appologise and change your
mind.

Being willing to ask for input, even when you Know, by means of your
fantastic mom-powers, what's best ;)

Being authentic. By which I mean, be yourself. Hopefully your best
self, but if not... well, you still get to appologise and change your
mind. Knowing your principles is a big help, here. If you know what's
important to you, its easier to work towards being your best self.

> - turning a deaf ear to all the people who give me unsollicited
advise
> about : how to teach things to my kids, why I should put them back
to
> school, why HOMEschooling is so much better than UNschooling, why
> diplomas are so important in our world and so on and so forth

As your trust in yourself builds, this will get easier. Have a good
understanding of your principles will help, too. Something else that
helps is to *sound* confident when you talk about your family. Don't
fall into the habit of venting about your kids as a way to connect
with others - as you can see, it leaves you feeling cruddy about
yourself and your family. Tell happy stories. Tell funny stories only
if they don't put anyone down.

> Actually, the only person who agrees with me is my husband.

Great! If you need to vent, vent to him. But also be sure to heap him
with love and appreciation - its sooooooo great to have a partner who
is supportive.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)