Too much on my plate
The Patersons
Can anyone help me out here?
I have a lovely 9 yo daughter, unschooled now for 6 months, and a gorgeous
5yo son - he has autism. Also, a beautiful 2 yo boy who desperately wants to
be older than he is!
The problem is that the 5 yo has phases of being extremely aggressive
towards his siblings. He seems to be friends with one and pick on the other,
but not necessarily the same one all the time. At the moment he is
aggressive towards his sister. If she walks past him he'll growl at her or
insult her (fav phrase: "you're a dipstick") or tell her to be quiet or go
to bed.
As can be expected, she's not happy with this and so she reacts badly and
the whole thing spirals pretty quickly into them shouting at each other.
It would be easier if he was more rational and could understand more
explanations - but he doesn't, so I'm left with dealing with the behaviour
at the time it happens.
I feel overwhelmed by it and upset for my daughter who I can see is
suffering. My husband and mother think she should go back to school so she
can be in a place where she's not affected by his behaviour. They think I
have too much on my plate, and I agree that I do feel stressed, but I really
don't want to send her back.
I need a way to reduce the stress, to reduce the arguments and to give each
kid (and myself) what we all need.
Any advice?
Cecily Paterson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have a lovely 9 yo daughter, unschooled now for 6 months, and a gorgeous
5yo son - he has autism. Also, a beautiful 2 yo boy who desperately wants to
be older than he is!
The problem is that the 5 yo has phases of being extremely aggressive
towards his siblings. He seems to be friends with one and pick on the other,
but not necessarily the same one all the time. At the moment he is
aggressive towards his sister. If she walks past him he'll growl at her or
insult her (fav phrase: "you're a dipstick") or tell her to be quiet or go
to bed.
As can be expected, she's not happy with this and so she reacts badly and
the whole thing spirals pretty quickly into them shouting at each other.
It would be easier if he was more rational and could understand more
explanations - but he doesn't, so I'm left with dealing with the behaviour
at the time it happens.
I feel overwhelmed by it and upset for my daughter who I can see is
suffering. My husband and mother think she should go back to school so she
can be in a place where she's not affected by his behaviour. They think I
have too much on my plate, and I agree that I do feel stressed, but I really
don't want to send her back.
I need a way to reduce the stress, to reduce the arguments and to give each
kid (and myself) what we all need.
Any advice?
Cecily Paterson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Zoa Conner
Choosing to be in separate spaces in your house?
Earphones and music for your daughter?
Encourage your daughter to write down her reaction to son¹s outbursts
instead of yelling back at them?
Create a small space for 5 year old in a room where you all spend a lot of
time where he can easily ignore what¹s going on around him thereby reducing
opportunities for these types of comments to his sister.
Kids awake now, gotta go!
Zoa
Earphones and music for your daughter?
Encourage your daughter to write down her reaction to son¹s outbursts
instead of yelling back at them?
Create a small space for 5 year old in a room where you all spend a lot of
time where he can easily ignore what¹s going on around him thereby reducing
opportunities for these types of comments to his sister.
Kids awake now, gotta go!
Zoa
On 10/23/08 1:26 AM, "The Patersons" <tuipiri@...> wrote:
> As can be expected, she's not happy with this and so she reacts badly and
> the whole thing spirals pretty quickly into them shouting at each other.
>
> It would be easier if he was more rational and could understand more
> explanations - but he doesn't, so I'm left with dealing with the behaviour
> at the time it happens.
>
----------------
Zoa Conner, PhD
Physicist and Organic Learning Mother
zoaconner@...
*Handmade stuff @ earthyzee.etsy.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
Can you see these things developing before they get there? Because if you
can, you could develop some strategies for heading off the worst of it or
even bypass it altogether sometimes.
Look up Danielle Conger, an unschooling mom who learned a lot from her son
Sam about outbursts like these. Unless I'm remembering it wrong, she has an
older daughter and younger daughter and Sam is the middle son. I know she
has a blog, she also is featured here:
http://sandradodd.com/danielleconger and a specific article that might help
you more specifically is here:
http://danielleconger.organiclearning.org/spirited.html
~Katherine
can, you could develop some strategies for heading off the worst of it or
even bypass it altogether sometimes.
Look up Danielle Conger, an unschooling mom who learned a lot from her son
Sam about outbursts like these. Unless I'm remembering it wrong, she has an
older daughter and younger daughter and Sam is the middle son. I know she
has a blog, she also is featured here:
http://sandradodd.com/danielleconger and a specific article that might help
you more specifically is here:
http://danielleconger.organiclearning.org/spirited.html
~Katherine
On 10/23/08, The Patersons <tuipiri@...> wrote:
>
> Can anyone help me out here?
>
> I have a lovely 9 yo daughter, unschooled now for 6 months, and a gorgeous
> 5yo son - he has autism. Also, a beautiful 2 yo boy who desperately wants
> to
> be older than he is!
>
> The problem is that the 5 yo has phases of being extremely aggressive
> towards his siblings. He seems to be friends with one and pick on the
> other,
> but not necessarily the same one all the time. At the moment he is
> aggressive towards his sister. If she walks past him he'll growl at her or
> insult her (fav phrase: "you're a dipstick") or tell her to be quiet or go
> to bed.
>
> As can be expected, she's not happy with this and so she reacts badly and
> the whole thing spirals pretty quickly into them shouting at each other.
>
> It would be easier if he was more rational and could understand more
> explanations - but he doesn't, so I'm left with dealing with the behaviour
> at the time it happens.
>
> I feel overwhelmed by it and upset for my daughter who I can see is
> suffering. My husband and mother think she should go back to school so she
> can be in a place where she's not affected by his behaviour. They think I
> have too much on my plate, and I agree that I do feel stressed, but I
> really
> don't want to send her back.
>
> I need a way to reduce the stress, to reduce the arguments and to give each
> kid (and myself) what we all need.
>
> Any advice?
>
>
>
> Cecily Paterson
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nicole Willoughby
I need a way to reduce the stress, to reduce the arguments and to give each
The 7 and 5 year olds are in school this year though I'm thinking of pulling my 5 year old but...thats a whole nother post :)
Last year my autistic son was biting, screaming, fits , up alllll night, was having to drive him around at 2 in the morning because the screaming was so bad he was waking both families in our duplex and having to pin him down several times a day because he was so violent he had convered himself in bruises and couldnt risk him further injuring himself or others. Thankfully with a diet change and ongoing visits to specialists things are getting better but he still requires a lot of my attention.
So here is how things look like in our house during summer break, weekends . evenings...when all the kids are here.
I have a couple of teenagers that trade off and I try to have one of them over at least once a week for an hour or 2. They are a wonderful help and I'm right here if a kid needs me. Sometimes they take one or more children outside for a while and I speed clean, sometimes they are just in charge of Nate and i have a chance to do an art project with the girls without Nate eating crayons, dumping paint, etc etc.
Courtney usually wakes up long enough to get in the van while we take dad and Alyssa to work/school and then sleeps in untill 11. This way she can stay up late at night after the younger 2 go to bed. This is usualy when she does her drawing, reading...some playing on the computer. We usualy spend 11-2:30 just us together on school days.
When all the kids are off school nate tends to get upset easier because his routine is off and my girls tend to start fighting with each other. When the girls start fighting i tend to either start acting really silly to make them laugh or go hey ! lets go ... outside and look for pretty leaves to make something neat with, play on the swingset, make some ooblek, go get an icee , blow some bubbles, see the horse across the street.....etc.
Times when Nate is really upset and the girls need me I end up telling them I have to help Nate calm down right now but Ill...x in a little while then making a mental note about it and going to them a few minutes later and saying ok did you still want to ...x? ...and going from there.
Things will always come up and such but I think you just have to keep shuffling things around and trying new stuff. Hold on to the stuff that works and ditch it when it quits working. Put the stuff that dosent work now on the back burner because it might be just the answer in 6 months.
Ok quick question... Is your 9 year old asking for school or it is more pressure from the family?.
Nicole
Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> kid (and myself) what we all need.>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hi there. I have a 9 year old, 7 year old with nonverbal autism , and a 5 year old.
The 7 and 5 year olds are in school this year though I'm thinking of pulling my 5 year old but...thats a whole nother post :)
Last year my autistic son was biting, screaming, fits , up alllll night, was having to drive him around at 2 in the morning because the screaming was so bad he was waking both families in our duplex and having to pin him down several times a day because he was so violent he had convered himself in bruises and couldnt risk him further injuring himself or others. Thankfully with a diet change and ongoing visits to specialists things are getting better but he still requires a lot of my attention.
So here is how things look like in our house during summer break, weekends . evenings...when all the kids are here.
I have a couple of teenagers that trade off and I try to have one of them over at least once a week for an hour or 2. They are a wonderful help and I'm right here if a kid needs me. Sometimes they take one or more children outside for a while and I speed clean, sometimes they are just in charge of Nate and i have a chance to do an art project with the girls without Nate eating crayons, dumping paint, etc etc.
Courtney usually wakes up long enough to get in the van while we take dad and Alyssa to work/school and then sleeps in untill 11. This way she can stay up late at night after the younger 2 go to bed. This is usualy when she does her drawing, reading...some playing on the computer. We usualy spend 11-2:30 just us together on school days.
When all the kids are off school nate tends to get upset easier because his routine is off and my girls tend to start fighting with each other. When the girls start fighting i tend to either start acting really silly to make them laugh or go hey ! lets go ... outside and look for pretty leaves to make something neat with, play on the swingset, make some ooblek, go get an icee , blow some bubbles, see the horse across the street.....etc.
Times when Nate is really upset and the girls need me I end up telling them I have to help Nate calm down right now but Ill...x in a little while then making a mental note about it and going to them a few minutes later and saying ok did you still want to ...x? ...and going from there.
Things will always come up and such but I think you just have to keep shuffling things around and trying new stuff. Hold on to the stuff that works and ditch it when it quits working. Put the stuff that dosent work now on the back burner because it might be just the answer in 6 months.
Ok quick question... Is your 9 year old asking for school or it is more pressure from the family?.
Nicole
Don't worry that children never listen to you : worry that they are always watching you--Robert Fulghum
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Gray
I also have a child with autism. She's older now, eleven. From an
autism perspective, three things:
1. I know that it seems like he's not rational, but if he knows
enough to say insulting things to hurt her, then he knows enough to
learn something else to say. What happens when he says something? How
do you step in? Does she respond immediately in a negative manner or
have you coached her to try something else?
2. It's not easy, I understand. With our children, sometimes just
hearing me tell Breanna "That is not okay to say" is enough (her
favorite thing right now is from Monsters Inc "You stupid, pathetic
waste...")
It is hurtful, and I felt it was important that my girls hear from me
that it is not okay for people to treat them so disrespectfully. They
understand that Bre has autism, but that still wears on you after a
while.
3. Seems to me that this has become a ritual for him, that it's a
quick and easy way to create an interaction with his sister. And it's
become so set in stone that he really can't see past it. He knows it
will get a reaction, and he doesn't care if it's positive or
negative, because it's the only way he knows RIGHT NOW to be social.
For us it took some coaching on both the part of Breanna and her
sisters. I would set up situations like, if Breanna got a hershey
bar, I would ask her to take one to a sister. Or, I would coach the
sister to say "That really hurts, let's play your favorite game
instead" I made it worth THEIR while to try and initiate when they
were younger, to build some positive things, because the siblings and
I would have date nights, primarily just to spend time together, but
it was also a good time to brainstorm how to handle certain situations.
It's easier now that they are older, Bre is 11, Emily 9 and Rachel 8.
The girls have learned to blow some of it off, Dan still gets mad,
and overall Breanna is doing a lot better with a kindness. It takes a
LOT of work from you, so I don't know that your stress will decrease
immediately, but perhaps it will help to know that it's just a
season, and that it will get better. I had to be there all the time
for a long time, and it was hard. Housework went. Lots of stuff lay
by the roadside, but only for a while.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
autism perspective, three things:
1. I know that it seems like he's not rational, but if he knows
enough to say insulting things to hurt her, then he knows enough to
learn something else to say. What happens when he says something? How
do you step in? Does she respond immediately in a negative manner or
have you coached her to try something else?
2. It's not easy, I understand. With our children, sometimes just
hearing me tell Breanna "That is not okay to say" is enough (her
favorite thing right now is from Monsters Inc "You stupid, pathetic
waste...")
It is hurtful, and I felt it was important that my girls hear from me
that it is not okay for people to treat them so disrespectfully. They
understand that Bre has autism, but that still wears on you after a
while.
3. Seems to me that this has become a ritual for him, that it's a
quick and easy way to create an interaction with his sister. And it's
become so set in stone that he really can't see past it. He knows it
will get a reaction, and he doesn't care if it's positive or
negative, because it's the only way he knows RIGHT NOW to be social.
For us it took some coaching on both the part of Breanna and her
sisters. I would set up situations like, if Breanna got a hershey
bar, I would ask her to take one to a sister. Or, I would coach the
sister to say "That really hurts, let's play your favorite game
instead" I made it worth THEIR while to try and initiate when they
were younger, to build some positive things, because the siblings and
I would have date nights, primarily just to spend time together, but
it was also a good time to brainstorm how to handle certain situations.
It's easier now that they are older, Bre is 11, Emily 9 and Rachel 8.
The girls have learned to blow some of it off, Dan still gets mad,
and overall Breanna is doing a lot better with a kindness. It takes a
LOT of work from you, so I don't know that your stress will decrease
immediately, but perhaps it will help to know that it's just a
season, and that it will get better. I had to be there all the time
for a long time, and it was hard. Housework went. Lots of stuff lay
by the roadside, but only for a while.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
On Oct 23, 2008, at 12:26 AM, The Patersons wrote:
> Can anyone help me out here?
>
> I have a lovely 9 yo daughter, unschooled now for 6 months, and a
> gorgeous
> 5yo son - he has autism. Also, a beautiful 2 yo boy who desperately
> wants to
> be older than he is!
>
> The problem is that the 5 yo has phases of being extremely aggressive
> towards his siblings. He seems to be friends with one and pick on
> the other,
> but not necessarily the same one all the time. At the moment he is
> aggressive towards his sister. If she walks past him he'll growl at
> her or
> insult her (fav phrase: "you're a dipstick") or tell her to be
> quiet or go
> to bed.
>
> As can be expected, she's not happy with this and so she reacts
> badly and
> the whole thing spirals pretty quickly into them shouting at each
> other.
>
> It would be easier if he was more rational and could understand more
> explanations - but he doesn't, so I'm left with dealing with the
> behaviour
> at the time it happens.
>
> I feel overwhelmed by it and upset for my daughter who I can see is
> suffering. My husband and mother think she should go back to school
> so she
> can be in a place where she's not affected by his behaviour. They
> think I
> have too much on my plate, and I agree that I do feel stressed, but
> I really
> don't want to send her back.
>
> I need a way to reduce the stress, to reduce the arguments and to
> give each
> kid (and myself) what we all need.
>
> Any advice?
>
> Cecily Paterson
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dawn Booth
MY heart goes out to all parents who have children with special needs especially austism,
I hold great admiration to the parents that have these beautiful children.
the parents carry with them an outstanding amount of strength.
I know in normal times it is hard to be a parent, and I play the role of mum and dad
because Im a solomum.
I would just like to say that all you parents are the BEST!!!
!
You have courage and strength that is outstanding and your love is mighty, because you see the beauty in your special child.
It is sad that everyone doesnt get to see that these children ARE highly intelligent, its just our conditioning that makes alot of people not have the time or understanding or to know that these children can communicate in a unique way if only we gave them the chance.
The autistic children to me ,are like sparks of intelligence and when adults or children find ways to understand and communicate with these kids, than the rewards of delight are worth it
I bow down to you all, as I would like to say that all your work, all your patience and all the love that you offer these special children, it needs to be recognised, and you all need to be pat on your backs and you all need to be told WELL DONE!!!!! your strength is admired by me and by others.
I send to you all smiles and happiness
from Dawn Booth of New Zealand
_________________________________________________________________
Free Windows Live software. Chat, search, share pics and more
http://get.live.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I hold great admiration to the parents that have these beautiful children.
the parents carry with them an outstanding amount of strength.
I know in normal times it is hard to be a parent, and I play the role of mum and dad
because Im a solomum.
I would just like to say that all you parents are the BEST!!!
!
You have courage and strength that is outstanding and your love is mighty, because you see the beauty in your special child.
It is sad that everyone doesnt get to see that these children ARE highly intelligent, its just our conditioning that makes alot of people not have the time or understanding or to know that these children can communicate in a unique way if only we gave them the chance.
The autistic children to me ,are like sparks of intelligence and when adults or children find ways to understand and communicate with these kids, than the rewards of delight are worth it
I bow down to you all, as I would like to say that all your work, all your patience and all the love that you offer these special children, it needs to be recognised, and you all need to be pat on your backs and you all need to be told WELL DONE!!!!! your strength is admired by me and by others.
I send to you all smiles and happiness
from Dawn Booth of New Zealand
_________________________________________________________________
Free Windows Live software. Chat, search, share pics and more
http://get.live.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]