shannikki1

I love how certain posts seem to call out to me, ha ha! Having what I
write picked apart so I can be clear about what I'm doing is just
what I need right now, please let me have it!

My son, 8, is in his room right now...I told him to go in there so I
can have quiet in the living room alone to get my attitude together.
We were having a fine time drawing and experimenting with oil
pastels, then a science experiment...THEN I decided he needed to work
on some math problems. I noticed he was getting squirmy and instead
of putting stuff away, I got irritated and told him he was being rude
for ignoring me and not doing what I was telling him to do. Lovely.
As if it wasn't bad enough that he didn't get a choice in the first
place. If he agrees that an activity sounds fun, we're good. If I
force him, it always goes down hill... I just said "oh" to myself.
I've told him he can tell me "no" because i see that I have a
tendency to control things, but I hate hearing it. What can I do to
knock this cr*p that I'm doing off?

I tend to have more negative interactions with my son when I have
spent time with my own mother, and the more I've seen her, the worse
it can be. She loves to inflict negative opinions, which is mean and
hurtful. Nothing is ever right by her, or good enough.
I have gone long periods without talking to her and have been able to
make huge progress in making my life the way I choose it to be, but
each time I see her the same "stuff" keeps coming up and i have a
difficult time seperating her negativity (which I was raised with)
from how I want life to be.

Awful to see that I am repeating what was done to me with my son.
HELP!! :)

k

Well it looks to me that you already know what to do. :) Spend your time
away from negative influences, whether that's people or thoughts. Read
Scott Noelle's short inspirational Daily Groove. Read Rue Kream's Raising a
Free Child, also short and inspirational. Fill up on the good stuff.

What helps me more than anything is to simply follow Karl, and lay aside any
thoughts of what I or others think he should be doing. I have printed out
my state's adopted educational objectives and marked off what Karl knows to
help fend off other's worries and crabbiness about my approach with Karl.

Completely drop other stuff and go with what your son is doing. While
you're at it, look for the fun! It's there.

~Katherine



On 9/22/08, shannikki1 <shannikki1@...> wrote:
>
> I love how certain posts seem to call out to me, ha ha! Having what I
> write picked apart so I can be clear about what I'm doing is just
> what I need right now, please let me have it!
>
> My son, 8, is in his room right now...I told him to go in there so I
> can have quiet in the living room alone to get my attitude together.
> We were having a fine time drawing and experimenting with oil
> pastels, then a science experiment...THEN I decided he needed to work
> on some math problems. I noticed he was getting squirmy and instead
> of putting stuff away, I got irritated and told him he was being rude
> for ignoring me and not doing what I was telling him to do. Lovely.
> As if it wasn't bad enough that he didn't get a choice in the first
> place. If he agrees that an activity sounds fun, we're good. If I
> force him, it always goes down hill... I just said "oh" to myself.
> I've told him he can tell me "no" because i see that I have a
> tendency to control things, but I hate hearing it. What can I do to
> knock this cr*p that I'm doing off?
>
> I tend to have more negative interactions with my son when I have
> spent time with my own mother, and the more I've seen her, the worse
> it can be. She loves to inflict negative opinions, which is mean and
> hurtful. Nothing is ever right by her, or good enough.
> I have gone long periods without talking to her and have been able to
> make huge progress in making my life the way I choose it to be, but
> each time I see her the same "stuff" keeps coming up and i have a
> difficult time seperating her negativity (which I was raised with)
> from how I want life to be.
>
> Awful to see that I am repeating what was done to me with my son.
> HELP!! :)
>
>
>


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Meredith

--- In [email protected], "shannikki1"
<shannikki1@...> wrote:
>I just said "oh" to myself.
> I've told him he can tell me "no" because i see that I have a
> tendency to control things, but I hate hearing it. What can I do
to
> knock this cr*p that I'm doing off?

Take a vacation. I don't necessarily mean get out of town ;) but
drop any kind of "work". Kick back a little. Make a list of Fun
things y'all would like to do - not "fun and educational" per se,
although you can go to the aquarium or art museum if it sounds like
fun to both of you. Or you could go to the mall and spend $20 in the
claw machine, if you'd rather ;)

In the process of vacationing and listmaking you will have a
marvelous chance to learn about negotiation together. Since you're
the grown up, you get to be the one to show a little extra
graciousness in the process. Its not *so* hard if you can remember
to look at your lovely boy and think about how much you love him,
rather than trying to "win" the negotiation. Do some fun things just
for him. The sight of your happy, shiny kid will make saying "yes"
worthwhile.

> I tend to have more negative interactions with my son when I have
> spent time with my own mother, and the more I've seen her, the
worse
> it can be.

Old baggage can weigh you down, for sure. It helps to keep in mind
what you already know - that spending time with your mom stirs up a
whole lot of bad habits. Talk with your son about that - I'm sure
he's noticed! so be open with him. Apologise as needed.

Plan ahead. If you know you're going to have lunch with your mom,
for example, plan to spend the rest of the day doing something that
*doesn't* lead you down that path of least resistance - maybe
schedule that lunch for a day when your ds is having a sleepover at
a friend's house or something so you can have the evening to shift
gears. Or plan to do something with him where you mostly watch... go
to a playground or skatepark or something like that. Make a concious
effort to plan and schedule time with your mom *around* your kid,
not vice versa, so *you* have time to find your best self again.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 14)

nicole durbin

Thank you so much for the specifics, being able to ask and receive so quickly is awesome! My son and I love new books, so we each picked out some that sounded good to us last night and ordered them, was tons of fun! :)
 
 




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