julie

So, as of March, I have been lurking, reading, educating myself about
unschooling. I've an 18 year old that has just left for college, and
a 17 year old...both went through the public and private school
systems.

I also have a 4 and 2 year old that I am unschooling.

I completely agree with what I have read in books and online about
how to raise my children, and that is what I am doing.

Here is my question...when my 2 year old, doesn't "listen to me"....
(and to me that is ok) how do I get other's (parents, and relatives)
to understand that it is ok to me that he does not "listen to me"?
how can I convince them that I am not in control of him? or her?
that I am trying to guide not threaten or inflict? Is this a loss
cause? Will they see it? is it worth even having the conflict?

I hear
"children need to listen to their parents"
"children need to obey"
"they can not decide what they will or will not do"

I feel that if I place my child in an adult environment, and they
still act like they are 2...that is the child's right?

I am just wondering how to explain this to my Mom, and Sister...any
quick quotes or references would also be appreciated.

thank you...i am just at a loss as to how to explain what I think is
right for my kids

Julie

Professional Parenting

You could say.."Gee.. it's a great thing to know that research now proves that two years olds don't have the self-control to 'listen' as we used to think they could."

Judy Arnall, Peaceful Parenting Expert, Speaker and Author of "Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery" www.professionalparenting.ca Tele: (403) 714-6766 Email jarnall@... "Peace In The World Begins In The Home"


----- Original Message -----
From: julie
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, September 21, 2008 6:43 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Looking for insight


So, as of March, I have been lurking, reading, educating myself about
unschooling. I've an 18 year old that has just left for college, and
a 17 year old...both went through the public and private school
systems.

I also have a 4 and 2 year old that I am unschooling.

I completely agree with what I have read in books and online about
how to raise my children, and that is what I am doing.

Here is my question...when my 2 year old, doesn't "listen to me"....
(and to me that is ok) how do I get other's (parents, and relatives)
to understand that it is ok to me that he does not "listen to me"?
how can I convince them that I am not in control of him? or her?
that I am trying to guide not threaten or inflict? Is this a loss
cause? Will they see it? is it worth even having the conflict?

I hear
"children need to listen to their parents"
"children need to obey"
"they can not decide what they will or will not do"

I feel that if I place my child in an adult environment, and they
still act like they are 2...that is the child's right?

I am just wondering how to explain this to my Mom, and Sister...any
quick quotes or references would also be appreciated.

thank you...i am just at a loss as to how to explain what I think is
right for my kids

Julie





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Sep 21, 2008, at 8:43 PM, julie wrote:

> Here is my question...when my 2 year old, doesn't "listen to me"....
> (and to me that is ok) how do I get other's (parents, and relatives)
> to understand that it is ok to me that he does not "listen to me"?

By moving to a new frame of mind, perhaps? Don't think "listen to me"
even in quotes. Think helping him find better options.

> how can I convince them that I am not in control of him? or her?

You can't. And trying will be as effective as their attempts to
change you! And probably rouse the same feelings of irritation.

But just as unschoolers don't turn their kids toward a college path,
doesn't mean your actions can't influence them. Unschooled kids do go
to college when it feels like the right path to them. But pushing
often has the opposite effect.

> that I am trying to guide not threaten or inflict? Is this a loss
> cause? Will they see it? is it worth even having the conflict?

I don't think it needs to be an either or. Live your life as you
believe right, let them live theirs. It will help you live more
peacefully with your life if you're not trying to change them and
accept that they can't change you unless you let them. See their
attempts to change you as just a need they have and let it wash over
you.

What helped me was picturing the difference in drawing power I feel
towards the messages of 1) a fundamentalist Christian who needs to
save my soul and 2) Mother Teresa who lived her life doing what she
believed was right. One is actively pulling and makes me want to pull
away and shut my ears. One isn't pulling, and yet Mother Teresa pulls
a lot more powerfully by just being.

I'm an atheist so it's not a religion thing :-) It is, though, the
power of knowing you're doing what's right for you without imposing
that on someone else. Earth Mother types have it too: the serenity of
being at peace with and embracing your choices as being right for you.

If you haven't seen the documentary on Mother Teresa, it might help
you get what I mean:

Mother Teresa
http://tinyurl.com/455uzj

> I hear
> "children need to listen to their parents"

"Yes, lots of people say that."

> "children need to obey"

"Yes, lots of people say that."

> "they can not decide what they will or will not do"

"They can't decide if I tell them either!" (with a laugh) "That why I
help him explore his options in a safe way."

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "julie" <brihanna@...>
wrote:
>> I feel that if I place my child in an adult environment, and they
> still act like they are 2...that is the child's right?

I don't see it so much as a matter of "rights" as of trying to
understand and meet needs - your child's and those of other adults.
Its easy for a young child to be overwhelmed in an "adult
environment" - or to be overwhelming! I've consistently found that
my kids do better (in terms of *not* being overwelmed or
overwhelming) if I make an effort to be focused and present with
them rather than get all wrapped up in adult conversation. That can
be challenging if "adult conversation" is the reason for the visit!
You might want to find ways to get your "adult time" needs in other
ways.

> I am just wondering how to explain this to my Mom, and Sister...

Do you spend a lot of time with them? Maybe a simple "I'm trying
something different this time 'round. If it doesn't work I can
always go back to what I did before."

> I hear
> "children need to listen to their parents"
> "children need to obey"
> "they can not decide what they will or will not do"

Is this from your mom and sister? Are they used to you taking their
advice? Do they see you as "going off the deep end?" maybe? From
their perspective, this radical unschooling stuff probably sounds
crazy - heck, it did to me at first! If you are close to them, work
on addressing the underlying needs and issues - they are concerned
because they care about you. Let them know you value their love and
support and appreciate their concern.

Tell them sweet stories about your happy children. Say things
like "I just love how motivated he is!" when he's being determined,
and "Oh, he's so creative!" when he's being feisty. Rather than
explaining, reframe what they see your kids doing in positive,
affirming terms.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 14)