Robin Bentley

> The idea of "inflicting an opinion" is pretty deep. Forcing someone
> to (live by? think?) your thoughts- would that be an accurate
> representation of your intended meaning?
>
> It's a concept I hadn't thought of before. My mom let us make a lot
> of stupid mistakes as we were growing up. I always resented that she
> never gave us advice or her opinions on any matter.

So, you would have preferred advice, warnings and opinions? Do you
think you would have done things differently if she'd only "inflicted
an opinion" on you?

I don't think anyone here would say not to give your kids the benefit
of your opinion or even advice. But, your kids will make their own
decisions. And they might be different choices than the ones you've
made or would hope they'd make. But, if they feel respected and
trusted by you, they will take your opinions/advice into consideration.

Spouses do, too :-)

> It's been a challenge in my parenting, because I think it's good to
> share our opinions, I would have loved to have known that my mother
> even cared. The way she said "do what you want" always made me feel
> abandoned, as if she didn't care. With my girls, I try to engage in
> a conversation when they want advice. I ask several questions until
> it looks like they've expressed all their thoughts and feelings,
> then I ask more questions, to make sure I am undersanding their
> perspectives. I ask them how THEY would like to handle it, and
> Instead of giving advice, I hope to be teaching them that I do care,
> and helping them make decisions based upon their own thoughts and
> opinions. I wonder, how do other people handle such a thing.

I think that's not so different from what many parents would do here.
It varies, though, because some kids don't want a lot of questions and
discussion. My daughter, for instance, hates to talk for long about
anything she's thinking about. She needs plenty of time on her own to
mull things over. She will ask my opinion, though often she's already
come to her own conclusion. When there are "issues" I might consider
worthy of discussion, I don't approach her head-on. I come at things
sideways. We'll sometimes discuss things in the car - she in the back
while I'm driving. But she'll tell me when she doesn't want to talk or
when she's done.

What has worked best for us lately is for me to write my thoughts down
in a letter to her. She can read it at her leisure, think about it,
then make her own decisions. Based on the relationship we have, the
fact that she feels she can trust my opinions or advice (and that took
some time for me to build, as I was not good at this when she was
younger) she'll make decisions that usually make sense to both of us.
>
> I do care, but I wouldn't dream of forcing them to make social
> decisions based upon my feelings on the matter.

Are there other kinds of decisions that you would force them to make,
ones that are not social decisions?

> So I listen and if they can't think of a solution, I try to offer up
> a few different ways they can handle it, based upon their stated
> perspectives and we also discuss possible outcomes and ways the
> other people might react, and we try to hash out how SHE would like
> to handle it. I try to bring them back to their desired outcome.

Fair enough.
>
> I get the feeling that some people here had parents who "inflicted
> opinions" and they're trying not to do that. Does the same thing
> apply to teenage social and emotional issues? What do you do to
> show kids that you care about their dilemma, and how do you help
> them try to find their own answers without "abandoning" them?

Listen. With focused attention. Without minimizing her worries. Many
times without advice or opinions. For my daughter, those can get in
the way of processing what's going on in her heart and mind.
Sometimes, if I feel she's open to it, I will ask if she wants help.
I'll accept "yes," "no," "I don't know," and sometimes, "leave me
alone." I know, for sure, that listening is enough when she's gotten
to that point!

> Are the endless conversations we have in my house typical?

Not in my house <BWG>. But, maybe in others.

> My mother would have listened, and then not commented, not delved
> any deeper than our initial request, asked any questions or given
> any advice at all. By the time I was 12, I had learned that I
> couldn't expect any kind of validation, advice or opinions from her
> and I stopped talking to her about everything. I would have LOVED
> if she had ever even offered up her advice, and I can definitely say
> I've never had it "inflicted" upon me. She was horribly abused when
> she was a kid, and I think she always minimized our dilemmas because
> she really had it worse. She also didn't
> trust her judgement, and I never knew that until I was an adult.

It seems to me there is a lot of baggage you are carrying with you in
your parenting (and you've identified your husband's baggage, too).
Just as you suggested that people don't want to "inflict opinions" on
their kids because their parents did, you also seem to be doing just
the opposite of what your mother did.

Looking at your children for who *they* are and what *they* need is
more important in unschooling than trying to undo the damage from your
own childhood by doing the opposite of what was done to you. By
looking at what your kids want and need and doing that, you *do* re-
parent yourself.

>
Robin B.