Robin

My kids are experiencing upset in their lives right now and are acting
out often with hostility toward each other (well, and me, too). They are
dd9, dd11 and ds13. Their birth mother is wanting them "back" (they have
never lived with her except when she joined them at their grandmother's,
and that last happened over 5 years ago). They are feeling torn and
worse. Their lashing out at each other really leaves me confused about
how to respond--especially at the youngest who was (and still is in some
ways) her mother's scapegoat. I understand that they are in pain, but I
feel that kids should not have to deal with abuse even if its from
another kid. They mostly call each other names and pick on every little
thing but it sometimes gets physical. Sometimes it means a trip to
urgent care (usually from "playful" roughhousing, though).

We are new to unschooling. I don't want to just send them to their rooms
or whatever I used to do as punishment. They are also sick of my
explaining to them how their behavior makes the other sibling feel, that
everyone has a right to be safe in their own home, etc. When I ask them
how they are feeling/why they are being mean to each other, they either
don't know or don't believe that they are being any different than
usual. I'm trying to ride through this period as lovingly as I can but
we're all upset.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

Thanks!
Robin
--
Think you can't afford solar--Think Again! check out:
http://www.jointhesolution.com/livinggaia

k

Their birth mother is wanting them "back" (they have
never lived with her except when she joined them at their grandmother's,
and that last happened over 5 years ago). They are feeling torn and
worse.

Robin... I replied in some of your other posts about this same situation and
at the risk of sounding like a broken record:

They're probably feeling insecure about their future. I don't know though
because I'm not there. If this is the case, have you reassured them or do
you even have any grounds to be able to reassure them of being able to stay
with you where they feel safe? Do you even want them to stay and, if you
do, have you said so? It seems obvious to me that you care very deeply.
I'm reading your posts though and I can't tell if they're welcome to stay
with you or not. Are the children getting similar messages ... you care and
maybe you do (or don't) want them there with you.

My suggestion (me being a complete novice to your situation) is to first
clear up this information for yourself (if you haven't already) and then
communicate more openly without laying too much responsibility or
expectation on the kids to understand you or do what you want. Another
thing is when communicating more openly, listen to what they say (or seem to
be saying) and inquire even more so as to get a really clear picture and
understand even more about where they're coming from. Their communication
may still end up being largely nonverbal. That's what the kids are doing
when they lash out... communicating.

Then even if they *do* end up going to live with their biological mom,
they'll have an even better basis to trust an adult who cares enough to
really listen even more than she already is.

This situation sounds really difficult, but maybe check out Naomi Aldort's
Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves. It may lend you some extra sanity
or give you some more good thoughts in the coming days.

~Katherine


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diana jenner

On Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 5:18 PM, Robin <GaiaAlive@...> wrote:

> My kids are experiencing upset in their lives right now and are acting
> out often with hostility toward each other (well, and me, too). They are
> dd9, dd11 and ds13. Their birth mother is wanting them "back" (they have
> never lived with her except when she joined them at their grandmother's,
> and that last happened over 5 years ago). They are feeling torn and
> worse. Their lashing out at each other really leaves me confused about
> how to respond--especially at the youngest who was (and still is in some
> ways) her mother's scapegoat. I understand that they are in pain, but I
> feel that kids should not have to deal with abuse even if its from
> another kid. They mostly call each other names and pick on every little
> thing but it sometimes gets physical. Sometimes it means a trip to
> urgent care (usually from "playful" roughhousing, though).
>
> We are new to unschooling. I don't want to just send them to their rooms
> or whatever I used to do as punishment. They are also sick of my
> explaining to them how their behavior makes the other sibling feel, that
> everyone has a right to be safe in their own home, etc. When I ask them
> how they are feeling/why they are being mean to each other, they either
> don't know or don't believe that they are being any different than
> usual. I'm trying to ride through this period as lovingly as I can but
> we're all upset.
>
>
>
>


We have a family tradition, incredibly helpful in rough waters and
incredibly refreshing in calm waters, we call "Peace Circle." We sit
together and light a candle to begin. We go around the circle, taking turns
(using a speaking piece if necessary) finishing these statements about
Peace:
*Peace for me would be...
*I feel Peaceful when...
*I have manifested Peace by....
*I will manifest Peace by...
The last round, we often close with one word that shall represent the Peace
in Me for the week (or the day, depending on how often you gather... the
more intense the current circumstance, the more often we do Circle). It
helps if it's set up as a Safe and Peaceful time for the whole family; in
the midst of angst one can call out "I need Circle!" and everyone will
gather to help create peace in that moment (and it doesn't have to be the
adult!)

It has to be a safe place, without judgment (i.e. if a kid says "Peace for
me would be mom getting hit by a truck" the statement should be honored as a
Truth-in-the-moment and not a reflection of the person's morals) so that
dreaming of a Peaceful existence has a way of becoming a Reality.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


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