BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

I really like Naomi Aldort and this is her latest newsletter I received!
It talks about trusting you child to learn to read at any age and
children growing up and moving on.
Alex P




----- Message Forwarded on Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:51:03 -0600
-----
From: "Aldort Parenting Newsletter" <naomi@...>
To: "alexandra poliowsky" <polykow@...>
Subject: Aldort Parenting 08/08
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:33:35 -0500

Dear Parents,

Lots of changes and newness in my family life and I would
like to share some of it with you as a personal connection
and, for many of you, a view into what future with children
can hold.

But first announcements and your notes:

1) Teleclasses and skype classes
2) Networking section: Vaccines
3) Your notes with some responses
4) Naomi's reflections

* Please be reminded that when you write to me, you
automatically give me  permission to quote you unless you
request otherwise.

1) Please visit my site for new information about
phone/skype classes. The link is second from the top on the
left.

You can have your own group class or community event. We
have one group from NYC going every other or third week. I
am flexible with dates and regularity  as I am with private
sessions.

Here is Emily's note after a teleclass with her group:

Naomi,
The call was GREAT - so inspiring and helpful!  A few people
already wrote to me that they would like to take part in any
future calls with you! I think a lot of people would be
interested in continuing with Jamie's question.  Are you
free next Wed ...? ...For the music class I already have 20
people interested in. Warmly,
Emily

2) Networking:
I would like to start a network of parenting help in this
newsletter. The first subject I would like to explore is
vaccines. I did not vaccinate my children, but I know that
some of you have or would like to know more about the
subject. Many believe that mercury has been removed from
vaccines.  I hear that it has only been reduced very
slightly. I also hear that mercury is not the only health
hazard in vaccines.
    If any of you have reliable knowledge on the state of
mercury in vaccines and other facts that could help all of
us, would you share it with us? If you can share a few links
and a short summary about vaccines, I will put it in the
next newsletter. It must be concise and with reliable
sources. In other words, don't write an article, but provide
links, book titles, and a short informative overview (100
words.) A link to an article is fine.
    Other subjects to consider for sharing here can be food,
environmental issues for children, health, toy safety, herbs
and healing, opportunities for teens etc. The key is to be
short and provide links and resources. I am looking forward
to learning from all of you and to making this an on going
platform for sharing vital information for parents.

3) Your notes with some of my responses:

Dear Naomi,

First off, Thank you for your sharing your insights and
guidance.  As a whole, I have found your advice very
helpful.  I don't often write in to comment on things (to
magazines, email groups, etc.), but I find it hard not to
respond to your comment about the child struggling with
reading.

(Naomi's note: Is he struggling? I don't think so. He is not
into reading. Without adults' struggle with his timing,
there is no struggle in the child. I respond fully at the
end of this email.)

    I do believe in your principle of "trust" and think it
is an important one.  However, with reading still not coming
to this child at age 11, it is my personal opinion that it
is a bit unwise to give blanket advice to trust.  There
really is not enough known about this situation to have a
simplistic response.  It may be a relief for the mom to hear
those words now, but in the end, do they serve her?  Would
we say the same to a child who didn't walk or speak, but had
the potential to?  I think, out of love, we would get
him/her the extra services needed to develop those important
skills.  The concerns I see here are: 1) is there a learning
disability? (people needlessly suffer when this goes
undiagnosed), 2) there are effective and ineffective ways to
help a child to read (maybe mom needs to explore other
options since her first child required no assistance), and/
or 3) is there a lot of anxiety around this issue for the
child? (which also could be addressed).

(Naomi's note: without wanting him to read, there is no
anxiety. To avoid anxiety, trust.)

I really think more information is needed here.  Though
there are people who make it in this world without reading,
I don't think it is an easy path.  Just basic life in the
grocery store, driving down a road, filling out a form in
the doctor's office, etc. requires some basic literacy.  I
am concerned about such a cavalier response.

I hope not to offend you, but offer another perspective. I
am a homeschooling mom who believes in letting my kids play
the majority of the day, explore things on their own terms,
and pursue what interests them in the ways that fit their
temperament.

Sincerely,

Rachel Tessier

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for your loving concern. I hear you. And, I think
what makes me so confident in offering nothing but trust, is
my experience with parents and children world wide. I have
lots of direct evidence.

If (like you say) it is difficult to live without reading,
then he will read. Nothing can stop him. He will want it on
his own. If he doesn't read then it isn't difficult for him
to live without reading, and it serves him in some amazing
way which we cannot fathom (or maybe his parents do.) 

I am happy to pass on my confidence which relies
on personally knowing kids who learned to read on their
own
beyond age 14. Not a problem. They learn in a couple of days
, and, within a week, read as good as one who read at four.
The idea that a child should read by a certain age, or, that
if he doesn't read by this age, it means something, is
simply not true. Such ideas cause a desire to orchestrate
the child's development instead of serve him on his path.

At the same time, if you enjoy your ideas about reading,
then, by all means, teach your children to read and enjoy. I
was giving this mother the assurance in the direction she
was looking for with a normal, healthy and happy
self-directed child.

As for your concern for learning issues: Learning
disabilities are created by pushing children to
read/learn ahead of their eye, brain and heart
readiness.
Please read my two advice columns on labels in Life Learning
Magazine. Some of the kids who read late are way way ahead
of their peers in other areas they focus on (and reading
would have harmed their development.) They must do it their
own way to optimize their own talents. I know kids who are
very physical who read late, or those who are musical,
artistic and mostly creative kids seem to delay the
dependency on the written word. Reading is not a basic
biological development like walking and talking. Therefore
the differences in age, style and usage are very great.

Your examples of walking and talking are so great. Thank you
for that. Yes, I would not ignore a child whose legs are
limp with no life, whose voice or tongue are missing, who
does not hear, or displays other brain disfunction. A child
who has real brain issue will show clear symptoms. Children
walk when they walk, talk when they talk. Those who use
speech therapy due to speaking later or due to
funny pronunciations are too often harmed by those
therapies which contradict their brain development and
emotional direction. Those who are trusted, walk and talk
when they do. Einstein didn't talk till age four. He would
have been severely harmed by our modern rush to "fix"
him,
as though there was a problem. 

I suggested to the mother to keep reading to the boy and
enjoy his association with the written word. The rest is up
to him. I know he will read. When I say that if he doesn't ,
it would be amazing, I say so knowing that it is not
possible and just to relax us. And truly, if with the
freedom and opportunities provided, he does not choose to
read (really really not possible), he would do so without
suffering and for a great advantage unknown to you and I.
Who knows how many genius innovations we lose by
focusing
so much on perception through visual words. We greatly
diminish the child's reliance on ear, imagination, fantasy,
memory and much more. We must trust and honor
possibilities
that are way beyond our ability to know. I don't run the
world (I don't decide when one should read.) I only guide in
living joyfully and powerfully with children and with
ourselves.

I know this is radical thinking and I hope it helps a bit
even if it raises more questions than answers.

With love,

Naomi

Hello,
I have been blessed by your parenting advice and would like
to print off the articles for personal use to include in a
notebook. I want to honor your copyright. Is it okay for me
to print them off for personal use? Thank you,
Kristi Palmer
Mama to Lukey (2 yr. 5 mo.)
Portland, OR

Dear Kristi,

You (and all of you) are welcome to print articles of mine
and share with others. Please include the copyright, book
and web site information.

With love,

Naomi

Naomi, (about the forum advertising The Work and my request
to suggest my guidance before sending parents to Katie's.)

If you want this, you need to make your work your own and
deter away from facilitating someone else. You are good at
what you do.

Kim

Dear Kim,

Thank you. I love the support and the direction in your
email. I find that for some parents doing TW connects them
to something they already know. I don't see anything as mine
, or anyone else's. It is what it is and comes through
whoever it comes through. Obviously, I do my work, and I did
before Katie's work came to my knowledge. People like to
connect what I do to hers, so I flow with that, in order to
simplify it for those people. I respond to all of you
where
you are. I do The Work with parents because they want to and
I do it Naomi's way, because can't be anyone else. I mostly
do whatever I do which combines everything and invents newly
on the spot in response to each parent and child.

I respond to each person and use thoughts and ideas that
seem to come through me, yet I don't own thoughts just like
I don't own the air I breath. I don't do "mine, his, hers" I
just do what is invited to be done in the moment to bring
ease, peace and joy. We don't own our thoughts even when
they come from us, so to me it is all ours and all FOR us.

Yet, we are still separate bodies with ideas and I therefore
I understand what you are saying. So, in business reality,
Katie promotes hers, I promotes mine. My forum is here to
engage parents who are into what I offer and to promote
my
work. I don't mind including in my work ideas from other
great people and it is still what I offer and uniquely
Naomi. When parents don't know or ask for TW, I do what
I
do, like you said, (my own work) and some of it may sound
similar to it, and it did sound like it before I knew of
Katie. In fact, I learned about TW when a participant in my
workshop said I sounded like her. I didn't know of her at
the time. So, I followed by reading the book and found it to
fit with my work wonderfully.

Thank you dear one. 

Lots of love,

Naomi

Naomi,

Thank you for responding to me. I value your time and feel
honored to have your feedback. I to am a practicing
therapist in Phoenix. I have personally been inspired by
your book and work. I found you in my own research working
with my 2 year old! You have a very genuine message. In the
"business" world, people get stuck on names. I'd hate to see
others get your business!

Thank you,

My Best,

'Kim Kino

Dear Kim,

Thank you for your support and care.

Naomi

Dear Naomi, (about the forum)
I will certainly keep that in mind in future posts.  It
didn't even occur to me that that might be a problem. 
Thank you for telling me.  I can see how doing the Work
without your resources could be confusing and difficult. In
love,  Rachel Salavon

Thank you all for the overwhelming support and love.

Naomi

Dear Naomi, (on Crying Babies)

I hope you don't mind me writing but I wanted to say thank
you so much for your article about crying babies. It made me
want to cry actually. My little boy cried so often for the
first few months of his life. Even when I "discovered" baby
wearing and got support with breastfeeding (so he was not
hungry) he still continued to cry a lot and I could never
work out why. It didn't seem "colicky"; he didn't appear to
be in pain. But many times he would even cry even when I
held him. I was told he was asked, "if he still cries when
you hold him, why bother?" or words to that effect. The
worst one was when I went to a breastfeeding support group -
Bertie screaming and screaming - and one of the Mums sat
there with her smiling, quiet boy on her lap saying "isn't
it true that a breastfed baby is a contented baby?"

I felt so guilty that I couldn't make him contented.

At about four months the crying in the main cleared up, or
at least, was soothable by picking up / wearing / nursing. I
never knew what it was. I suspect the difficult and
prolonged induced labor didn't help matters. I was very
stressed during my pregnancy too which may have contributed.

He is nearly sixteen months old now. His personality is such
that he is very, very sure of what he wants, and if there is
even a few second delay in getting hold of whatever it is,
he shouts and cries with frustration. Needless to say I try
to keep delays to a bare minimum! He is usually very happy
and cheerful. I wouldn't say "contented" actually because
"contented" means to me a sort of laid-back attitude and you
certainly couldn't call him "laid-back"; it is an intense
kind of happiness, a joy, if you know what I mean.

Thanks again and I'm looking forward to receiving more of
your newsletters.

Ruth xx

Dear Naomi, (about bragging)

Thank you again for all the gifts of your newsletter!
I´ve
thought a lot about the competition issue during the last
years and you brought it to the point: all children are our
children....each achievement is our achievement....no
separation ( that is so painful) possible that way. Peace.

Love and gratitude,
Heike

Dear Naomi,
thanks for your ongoing inspiring advice!!
I just read your last newsletter and was happy to find the
POEM (no. 6) in it I sent to you a while back!! I just
wanted to let you and others know that I did not write it
(although I wish i did:))), it is a different lady; i have
to apologize, i don't remember her name...!!

I am once again struggling with the divide in parenting
styles, or even life styles that my husband and I have! Do
you have any articles on how to deal with a partner who does
not embrace the same parenting style, and who is f.ex.
totally against unschooling in contrast to the mother who is
in favor of it!!?!?

With love,
Angela Kersten,
South-Africa

Dear Angela,

Thanks for passing on the poem and we honor whoever wrote
it.

I don't have an article about husbands who oppose a mother's
parenting. The closest is one from Life Learning Magazine
about this subject, but not really about a total
discord
like you are describing.

The short answer is: You are the Mother!!!!!! You read the
books, you are with the child/ren. You decide and lead the
way. The more helpful answer may be to book yourself a phone
session with me. I have assisted parents with this common
issue before. I know it is hard from South Africa. Check
Natural Life magazine for my advice columns. I will keep
this theme in mind for a future column.

With love,

Naomi

4) Naomi's personal reflections:

A week or so ago Oliver (14) said to me, "mom, what happened
to our life, it seems all over." Oliver's life with a home
full of children and play came to an end sooner because he
is the youngest. His older brothers moved on into travel,
girlfriends and work. Although Lennon still lives at home,
he doesn't really play much any more. When all three kids
were younger I hardly worked and my husband made a point of
coming home early. There were five engaged people at play
and life. Now Oliver finds himself an only child of very
busy parents. In a way, the youngest of three experiences
the "emptying of the nest" before he is ready for it.

My personal life is now one of constant surprises and
changes. Yonatan is 22, living with his girlfriend in a
committed relationship a few hours away from home and
planning to move with her to San Francisco in two years at
the end of college. Lennon has just turned 18 and he too has
a girlfriend, here in WA state and is therefore committed to
staying here.

We used to move and travel together with the two younger
boys for their musical needs. But now, when we think to
moving where Oliver's life will be enriched, we face leaving
the other boys out of our daily family life and, my husband
is unable to move his work... so he too may stay behind.

The rdf TV channel from England has done a search of the top
musical prodigies in the world and chose Oliver as one of
the few. (If you think this is bragging, please reread the
last two newsletters.) He will perform two concerts in Miami
Florida which will be broadcasted (with an interview) in
England and possibly internationally.  Oliver may also be
performing in London... and who knows where this may lead.

So, fourteen years after the birth of our third baby, our
nest is not empty, but moving in the wind of individual
opportunities and human connections (girlfriends.)

They are ready. Am I??? Are you??? I look at the swing set
in the yard; most of the time the swings are empty and only
the wind pushes them lightly. The sand pile has grown grass.
The scooters are rusting.  Except for the times when a
family is here for counseling and their children play, the
yard tells a story of the past.

The expansion is exciting; like a creek that merges with
other streams to become a river our kids are bringing into
our home their friends' families and our lives are richer
and growing.

Why am I sharing these reflections? First, to simply share
my life with you and connect with you. In addition, I think
that sometimes we forget to cherish the moment, and then it
moves on and parents say, "I wish I spent more time with my
children when they were young." Our family ride is not
typical. Yet, the principal of surprise will be there for
everyone.

It is fine to find ways to nurture yourself away from your
child. But, when not available, enjoy the ride. If you knew
how close the end of this period is, maybe it would be
easier to relax and enjoy each moment. Discover that time
for yourself, is time with your child. Being with your child
is the way your nurture yourself; it is a treat available
for a fleeting moment; it is the gift you chose to give to
yourself by bringing this child/ren into your life.

Being with the joys of mothering now is fulfilling. Fearing
that you are missing something (or needing a clean house) is
painful. When the children become independent, you will find
that your interests have changed anyway, or that you can
pick them up further than where you left them. These former
skills may or may not be relevant to you any more. Life
moves only forward. Attaching to the past hurts and
separates us from the happy moment of now and now and now.
Without the wish to do something else, you love the moment
fully and peacefully. Enjoy it. Like the rest of life, it is
a passing ride that gives no second chance.

With love,

Naomi                  ©Copyright Naomi Aldort


Naomi Aldort Ph.D.
Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
http://naomialdort.com/book.html
Parenting counseling and workshops
Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie

POB 1719 Eastsound, WA 98245, USA
naomi@...

Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and
struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy.


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