Robin

We are just starting to deschool after homeschooling for about 2 years.
We are also an unusual family, in that I didn't join until the youngest
was almost 3yo. She immediately bonded with me (even with her mentally
ill mother still living with the family) but there were issues with how
the birth mother was handling bed time, especially for the youngest. She
would single her out and put her to bed early (pretty much everything
the toddler did annoyed her) at the other end of the house in her
"sister's bed". The sister was sleeping with grandma until I came along
and needed the spot: then the older dd slept in the lower bunk in the
kids room and the youngest slept in the living room with the mother.
When either girl was scared in the night they walked by their mother and
came to grandma and me (the youngest actually had to walk around her
mother to come to our door).

When we moved out with the kids, the girls were 4 and 6. They slept in
their own room in bunk beds although it took some convincing to get the
youngest to sleep in her own bed (we weren't unschooling and had never
heard of attachment parenting at that time--we just wanted our privacy
and to not be elbowed in the night!). The youngest was never really
happy sleeping alone and when we rearranged the house so the girls each
had their own room they started sleeping together in one bed. This has
continued to our most recent move, where they again have their own rooms
and the dd11 doesn't want to sleep with her younger sister anymore, SO
the 9yo dd has recently returned to our bed.

There's also a lot going on in her life at the moment that's upsetting
her. Her birth mother has decided she wants her kids to live with her
even though they have lived with my partner their whole lives and we
have had sole physical and legal custody for the past five years. This
is deeply upsetting them. This is especially hitting the youngest
hard--she doesn't even remember living with her mom.

I have accepted her need and desire to have family to sleep with and am
content with that, but my partner is less committed and would kind of
like to have the bed to ourselves (especially for couple time). I'm
hoping that dd9 is just needing the comfort and reassurance of the
family bed at least partly because she was forced out before she was
ready earlier but has anyone had a similar experience of an older child
sleeping with parents? I realize writing this that I am more goal
oriented than I realized--I say "family bed" but I still think "our bed"
and want to know what to do to "get her out of it." Yuck! I need to see
this in a new light somehow.

I did have the feeling a few months ago of realizing that even the
youngest would be "too old" (my thought at the time) to want to sleep
with us soon and I cherished her sleeping with us but that feeling has
been hard to sustain.

I would appreciate any thoughts others had that might help me understand
the family bed concept and how my partner and I could be more
comfortable sharing our bed with our growing daughter. The web sites I
found on the family bed all talk about toddlers (which I regret I didn't
read when the kids were younger!)

Thanks in advance!
Robin
--
Think you can't afford solar--Think Again! check out:
http://www.jointhesolution.com/livinggaia

Joyce Fetteroll

On Aug 13, 2008, at 7:26 PM, Robin wrote:

> I have accepted her need and desire to have family to sleep with
> and am
> content with that, but my partner is less committed and would kind of
> like to have the bed to ourselves (especially for couple time).

I think the biggest help will be a shift in perspective from night
time being couple time. It's certainly *convenient* then but it's not
the only time it can happy. It's funny but when I first started
reading about the family bed most of the posts were from couples with
large families. They were obviously finding *plenty* of time for
snuggling outside of night time! ;-)

A question to ask, to put it in perspective, is "Is your grandchild's
fear and discomfort a worthy trade for the convenience of couple time
at night?"

My daughter was with us until she was 14, I think. And the reason she
moved out at that age was to be with the ferrets that moved into her
room. ;-)

(Which, combined with her problems sleeping over at friends' houses,
would certainly sound alarm bells in most conventional parents that
she'd never be independent. Yet the next summer she flew halfway
across the US for a 2 week car design camp at a college in Detroit
and never had a moment's homesickness.)

Joyce

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k

I don't personally have experience to relate, but I have the example of
friends of ours. Their daughter slept with them until she was 11. As she
had from birth. My impression of her then (14 years old) was a very
self-determined confident child and now she's about 21 or 22. I didn't know
until she was 14 that they had ever co-slept.

The family bed is a microcosm representing all of a child's life. First
they leave the family bed, then the family home, sometimes the hometown, or
even the country. Similarly, a child learns to walk, to run, to ride a
bike, scooter, skateboard and so on, to drive and travel off.

Nothing to be in a hurry about.

With the attachment parenting/ unschooling thought, the basic idea is to be
available all through a child's life so that the child can venture out from
a secure base. If parents make the decision when a child is to venture out,
then the child will be insecure and will cling more desperately. If child
makes the decision when to venture out, the child will feel welcome and at
home, and will be able move on, sometimes (maybe frequently ;) before
parents are ready.

From what you have written it sounds to me like living with her mother is
scary. You are who she knows and trusts but if you push her out, she will
likely think that she can can't trust you, that you're not supportive of
her, that you don't want her.

Her birth mother has decided she wants her kids to live with her
even though they have lived with my partner their whole lives and we
have had sole physical and legal custody for the past five years.

Questions to ponder for yourself, and not anything I want answers for: Is
the mother's decision about seeking custody? How much leeway do you have to
support the child's decision in all this? How about visiting rather than
suddenly moving a child at the age of 9 to a mother she has little or no
recollection of?

~Katherine


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Kelly Nishan

Hi Robin
My daughter slept with me on and off until she was 11 or 12. Most of
the time it was just the two of us so couple time wasn't really an
issue. If I had a partner at the time coupling was done at his house
or when she wasn't home. We did have a 2 year period that I lived
with boyfriend. Most of that time her bed was in our room because his
son also moved in with us. SHe was 5-7yo during that time. It was
good arrangement for us because she was close enough to me to feel
comfortable and if she needed to she could crawl in for a cuddle then
would go back to her bed. Maybe that would work for you if you
granddaughter was ok with it.
Kelly