Responsibilty and Belongings
three.moms
All this talk about chores and housework fits in really well with the
current discussions in our house. We have two amazing boys: Ethan, age
8, and Ryan, age 5. A small bit of introduction since I've never
introduced us. (Yes, I am yet another unlurker. Is that a word?! It
ought to be one!) We have 3 mommies in our house: Mimi, Mama, and Ba.
Mimi and Ba have a small business and this lets us unschool the
children (aka hang out and play with them). Mama has a "real job" and
she earns a steady income which makes everyone happy. Mimi and Ba are
on board with RU more or less. Mama is on board with not dealing with
it. That said, we (Mimi and Ba) have a few things about which you all
might have useful input.
Both of our guys adore their DS's. They want them to be fully charged
and accessible at all times. This is just great with us. We are happy
to charge them and make sure they are safe and snug. Ryan thinks this
rocks. Ethan thinks this is great except when he wants to have his in
his room where the cartridges or even the DS get lost, or forgets to
give it to us for charging, or wants to eat soup and play with it even
though soup + DS = fizzle-boom. (Ethan's phrasing.) Ethan desperately
wants us to take charge of it. He says we should be in charge of
keeping it safe and making sure it's charged. The problem arises when
we say "Hey dude DS and food don't mix. Do you want us to hold it for
you?"
Ethan moves the DS half an inch from the bowl and ignores us.
"Ethan, do you want us to take that for you?"
"I'll just put it here." (Where here is 1 inch from the bowl of soup.)
"OK. Just remember that you might spill soup on it OK?"
"But I won't."
"OK."
This is where the spoon clatters to the floor and soup spills on the
DS. "Oh no!! My DS! Is it OK?!"
"Um, this time I think so. Why don't we put it on the stairs now?"
"*harrumph* OK. *sigh*"
Now we feel like maybe we are harassing/haranguing him. Sometimes the
scenario is more whining on his part. Sometimes the scenario is more
whining on our part. We'd really like to cut down on the conflict and
the whining. When asked if he'd rather be responsible for his own DS,
he always says, "No! No no no! I want you to take of it for me." When
we say, "Ethan, you need to help us to take care of the DS by giving
it to us when you're not using it," he sometimes gives it to us and
sometimes doesn't.
Basically, we're asking how people here handle responsibility for
personal belongings. It was easy when Ethan was younger; we'd just
take care of his stuff. Now he's older and wants to be more
responsible, but doesn't want to, well, be more responsible in that it
comes with a certain amount of risk. (He could lose/damage stuff he
really cares about.) We're over whining and struggling and so is he.
(It might be good to say here that we've always unschooled, but have
only been moving toward RU for a few months.)
We've donned both our listening ears and our protective gear ;) Let
the thoughts/ideas/suggestions fly.
Thanks.
Peace,
Mimi and Ba (sometimes called Esther and Jean Elizabeth)
http:/3mommies.blogspot.com
current discussions in our house. We have two amazing boys: Ethan, age
8, and Ryan, age 5. A small bit of introduction since I've never
introduced us. (Yes, I am yet another unlurker. Is that a word?! It
ought to be one!) We have 3 mommies in our house: Mimi, Mama, and Ba.
Mimi and Ba have a small business and this lets us unschool the
children (aka hang out and play with them). Mama has a "real job" and
she earns a steady income which makes everyone happy. Mimi and Ba are
on board with RU more or less. Mama is on board with not dealing with
it. That said, we (Mimi and Ba) have a few things about which you all
might have useful input.
Both of our guys adore their DS's. They want them to be fully charged
and accessible at all times. This is just great with us. We are happy
to charge them and make sure they are safe and snug. Ryan thinks this
rocks. Ethan thinks this is great except when he wants to have his in
his room where the cartridges or even the DS get lost, or forgets to
give it to us for charging, or wants to eat soup and play with it even
though soup + DS = fizzle-boom. (Ethan's phrasing.) Ethan desperately
wants us to take charge of it. He says we should be in charge of
keeping it safe and making sure it's charged. The problem arises when
we say "Hey dude DS and food don't mix. Do you want us to hold it for
you?"
Ethan moves the DS half an inch from the bowl and ignores us.
"Ethan, do you want us to take that for you?"
"I'll just put it here." (Where here is 1 inch from the bowl of soup.)
"OK. Just remember that you might spill soup on it OK?"
"But I won't."
"OK."
This is where the spoon clatters to the floor and soup spills on the
DS. "Oh no!! My DS! Is it OK?!"
"Um, this time I think so. Why don't we put it on the stairs now?"
"*harrumph* OK. *sigh*"
Now we feel like maybe we are harassing/haranguing him. Sometimes the
scenario is more whining on his part. Sometimes the scenario is more
whining on our part. We'd really like to cut down on the conflict and
the whining. When asked if he'd rather be responsible for his own DS,
he always says, "No! No no no! I want you to take of it for me." When
we say, "Ethan, you need to help us to take care of the DS by giving
it to us when you're not using it," he sometimes gives it to us and
sometimes doesn't.
Basically, we're asking how people here handle responsibility for
personal belongings. It was easy when Ethan was younger; we'd just
take care of his stuff. Now he's older and wants to be more
responsible, but doesn't want to, well, be more responsible in that it
comes with a certain amount of risk. (He could lose/damage stuff he
really cares about.) We're over whining and struggling and so is he.
(It might be good to say here that we've always unschooled, but have
only been moving toward RU for a few months.)
We've donned both our listening ears and our protective gear ;) Let
the thoughts/ideas/suggestions fly.
Thanks.
Peace,
Mimi and Ba (sometimes called Esther and Jean Elizabeth)
http:/3mommies.blogspot.com
Jeanette Crichton
Sounds like he wants to be more responsible with his things, but that he's afraid of the risks. Help him find ways to be responsible that he is comfortable with. He may not be comfortable separating himself from the DS, but you could help him put it in a plastic bag to protect it.
My MIL was very afraid (and still is) of her children taking on responsibility for themselves and she finds a need to tell them every little thing that could happen. It drives her adult children CRAZY and they are much less confident because of it. My dh has gotten MUCH more confident since he met me (luckily when he was only 16), because I have let him make mistakes and I'm not overly worried about things going wrong. My dh wore his cell phone into the pool 5 days ago and he STILL hasn't heard the end of it from his mom. I just say - oh well, lesson learned-or not! Luckily he had insurance on this phone : ) Being responsible means different things to different people. Let him figure that out for himself without fears (yours or his) getting in the way too much.
Jeanette
----- Original Message ----
From: three.moms <3mommies@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2008 9:30:28 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Responsibilty and Belongings
All this talk about chores and housework fits in really well with the
current discussions in our house. We have two amazing boys: Ethan, age
8, and Ryan, age 5. A small bit of introduction since I've never
introduced us. (Yes, I am yet another unlurker. Is that a word?! It
ought to be one!) We have 3 mommies in our house: Mimi, Mama, and Ba.
Mimi and Ba have a small business and this lets us unschool the
children (aka hang out and play with them). Mama has a "real job" and
she earns a steady income which makes everyone happy. Mimi and Ba are
on board with RU more or less. Mama is on board with not dealing with
it. That said, we (Mimi and Ba) have a few things about which you all
might have useful input.
Both of our guys adore their DS's. They want them to be fully charged
and accessible at all times. This is just great with us. We are happy
to charge them and make sure they are safe and snug. Ryan thinks this
rocks. Ethan thinks this is great except when he wants to have his in
his room where the cartridges or even the DS get lost, or forgets to
give it to us for charging, or wants to eat soup and play with it even
though soup + DS = fizzle-boom. (Ethan's phrasing.) Ethan desperately
wants us to take charge of it. He says we should be in charge of
keeping it safe and making sure it's charged. The problem arises when
we say "Hey dude DS and food don't mix. Do you want us to hold it for
you?"
Ethan moves the DS half an inch from the bowl and ignores us.
"Ethan, do you want us to take that for you?"
"I'll just put it here." (Where here is 1 inch from the bowl of soup.)
"OK. Just remember that you might spill soup on it OK?"
"But I won't."
"OK."
This is where the spoon clatters to the floor and soup spills on the
DS. "Oh no!! My DS! Is it OK?!"
"Um, this time I think so. Why don't we put it on the stairs now?"
"*harrumph* OK. *sigh*"
Now we feel like maybe we are harassing/haranguin g him. Sometimes the
scenario is more whining on his part. Sometimes the scenario is more
whining on our part. We'd really like to cut down on the conflict and
the whining. When asked if he'd rather be responsible for his own DS,
he always says, "No! No no no! I want you to take of it for me." When
we say, "Ethan, you need to help us to take care of the DS by giving
it to us when you're not using it," he sometimes gives it to us and
sometimes doesn't.
Basically, we're asking how people here handle responsibility for
personal belongings. It was easy when Ethan was younger; we'd just
take care of his stuff. Now he's older and wants to be more
responsible, but doesn't want to, well, be more responsible in that it
comes with a certain amount of risk. (He could lose/damage stuff he
really cares about.) We're over whining and struggling and so is he.
(It might be good to say here that we've always unschooled, but have
only been moving toward RU for a few months.)
We've donned both our listening ears and our protective gear ;) Let
the thoughts/ideas/ suggestions fly.
Thanks.
Peace,
Mimi and Ba (sometimes called Esther and Jean Elizabeth)
http:/3mommies. blogspot. com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My MIL was very afraid (and still is) of her children taking on responsibility for themselves and she finds a need to tell them every little thing that could happen. It drives her adult children CRAZY and they are much less confident because of it. My dh has gotten MUCH more confident since he met me (luckily when he was only 16), because I have let him make mistakes and I'm not overly worried about things going wrong. My dh wore his cell phone into the pool 5 days ago and he STILL hasn't heard the end of it from his mom. I just say - oh well, lesson learned-or not! Luckily he had insurance on this phone : ) Being responsible means different things to different people. Let him figure that out for himself without fears (yours or his) getting in the way too much.
Jeanette
----- Original Message ----
From: three.moms <3mommies@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2008 9:30:28 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Responsibilty and Belongings
All this talk about chores and housework fits in really well with the
current discussions in our house. We have two amazing boys: Ethan, age
8, and Ryan, age 5. A small bit of introduction since I've never
introduced us. (Yes, I am yet another unlurker. Is that a word?! It
ought to be one!) We have 3 mommies in our house: Mimi, Mama, and Ba.
Mimi and Ba have a small business and this lets us unschool the
children (aka hang out and play with them). Mama has a "real job" and
she earns a steady income which makes everyone happy. Mimi and Ba are
on board with RU more or less. Mama is on board with not dealing with
it. That said, we (Mimi and Ba) have a few things about which you all
might have useful input.
Both of our guys adore their DS's. They want them to be fully charged
and accessible at all times. This is just great with us. We are happy
to charge them and make sure they are safe and snug. Ryan thinks this
rocks. Ethan thinks this is great except when he wants to have his in
his room where the cartridges or even the DS get lost, or forgets to
give it to us for charging, or wants to eat soup and play with it even
though soup + DS = fizzle-boom. (Ethan's phrasing.) Ethan desperately
wants us to take charge of it. He says we should be in charge of
keeping it safe and making sure it's charged. The problem arises when
we say "Hey dude DS and food don't mix. Do you want us to hold it for
you?"
Ethan moves the DS half an inch from the bowl and ignores us.
"Ethan, do you want us to take that for you?"
"I'll just put it here." (Where here is 1 inch from the bowl of soup.)
"OK. Just remember that you might spill soup on it OK?"
"But I won't."
"OK."
This is where the spoon clatters to the floor and soup spills on the
DS. "Oh no!! My DS! Is it OK?!"
"Um, this time I think so. Why don't we put it on the stairs now?"
"*harrumph* OK. *sigh*"
Now we feel like maybe we are harassing/haranguin g him. Sometimes the
scenario is more whining on his part. Sometimes the scenario is more
whining on our part. We'd really like to cut down on the conflict and
the whining. When asked if he'd rather be responsible for his own DS,
he always says, "No! No no no! I want you to take of it for me." When
we say, "Ethan, you need to help us to take care of the DS by giving
it to us when you're not using it," he sometimes gives it to us and
sometimes doesn't.
Basically, we're asking how people here handle responsibility for
personal belongings. It was easy when Ethan was younger; we'd just
take care of his stuff. Now he's older and wants to be more
responsible, but doesn't want to, well, be more responsible in that it
comes with a certain amount of risk. (He could lose/damage stuff he
really cares about.) We're over whining and struggling and so is he.
(It might be good to say here that we've always unschooled, but have
only been moving toward RU for a few months.)
We've donned both our listening ears and our protective gear ;) Let
the thoughts/ideas/ suggestions fly.
Thanks.
Peace,
Mimi and Ba (sometimes called Esther and Jean Elizabeth)
http:/3mommies. blogspot. com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Faith Void
My kids love their DS as well. For the 11y/ it isn't a problem but the 5yo
(Easy) it took some trial and error. I bought a small bin (shoebox size) amd
that's where the DS lives. It can be plugged in to charge while in box. It
also has several other helpers. I bought each kid a small toiletry bag with
cool stuff on it (skuls for dd and camo for ds) the bag it for carrting DS
around. It has a zippered pocket where the games live, pocket for the
charger and various cords and the DS, itself. In addition to that I got ds a
padded Mario DS holder with a carabiner to drag DS around. This really
helped because his DS is a bit broken, though still usuable. It broke while
being unsafely toted about. My ds wanted to protect his DS so we figured
this solution out together and dd wanted on board because it meant "cool
stuff". So for the most part this works for us.
Except both kids went to visit granny and both left their chargers. This
sucks, two unhappy kids and no DS charger. dd is fine she understands, ds
needed support and much empathy for his pain. We don't have money for a new
charger or to drive (2.5 hrs) to granny's and granny can't find them to mail
so...it isn't perfect but they are in charge. I can only assist them.
I would have accepted Ethan's decision to not move the DS from the soup.
It's hard to sit by and watch something that feels painful for you. You were
worried that Ethan would wreck his DS and then all hell would break loose.
It might but it isn't helpful to him to protect him from "bad" feelings or
"bad" things happening. You gave him information now trust him to utilize it
or respect him when he doesn't, this is how he learns about the world.
Faith
(Easy) it took some trial and error. I bought a small bin (shoebox size) amd
that's where the DS lives. It can be plugged in to charge while in box. It
also has several other helpers. I bought each kid a small toiletry bag with
cool stuff on it (skuls for dd and camo for ds) the bag it for carrting DS
around. It has a zippered pocket where the games live, pocket for the
charger and various cords and the DS, itself. In addition to that I got ds a
padded Mario DS holder with a carabiner to drag DS around. This really
helped because his DS is a bit broken, though still usuable. It broke while
being unsafely toted about. My ds wanted to protect his DS so we figured
this solution out together and dd wanted on board because it meant "cool
stuff". So for the most part this works for us.
Except both kids went to visit granny and both left their chargers. This
sucks, two unhappy kids and no DS charger. dd is fine she understands, ds
needed support and much empathy for his pain. We don't have money for a new
charger or to drive (2.5 hrs) to granny's and granny can't find them to mail
so...it isn't perfect but they are in charge. I can only assist them.
I would have accepted Ethan's decision to not move the DS from the soup.
It's hard to sit by and watch something that feels painful for you. You were
worried that Ethan would wreck his DS and then all hell would break loose.
It might but it isn't helpful to him to protect him from "bad" feelings or
"bad" things happening. You gave him information now trust him to utilize it
or respect him when he doesn't, this is how he learns about the world.
Faith
On Tue, Jul 29, 2008 at 9:30 PM, three.moms <3mommies@...> wrote:
> All this talk about chores and housework fits in really well with the
> current discussions in our house. We have two amazing boys: Ethan, age
> 8, and Ryan, age 5. A small bit of introduction since I've never
> introduced us. (Yes, I am yet another unlurker. Is that a word?! It
> ought to be one!) We have 3 mommies in our house: Mimi, Mama, and Ba.
> Mimi and Ba have a small business and this lets us unschool the
> children (aka hang out and play with them). Mama has a "real job" and
> she earns a steady income which makes everyone happy. Mimi and Ba are
> on board with RU more or less. Mama is on board with not dealing with
> it. That said, we (Mimi and Ba) have a few things about which you all
> might have useful input.
>
> Both of our guys adore their DS's. They want them to be fully charged
> and accessible at all times. This is just great with us. We are happy
> to charge them and make sure they are safe and snug. Ryan thinks this
> rocks. Ethan thinks this is great except when he wants to have his in
> his room where the cartridges or even the DS get lost, or forgets to
> give it to us for charging, or wants to eat soup and play with it even
> though soup + DS = fizzle-boom. (Ethan's phrasing.) Ethan desperately
> wants us to take charge of it. He says we should be in charge of
> keeping it safe and making sure it's charged. The problem arises when
> we say "Hey dude DS and food don't mix. Do you want us to hold it for
> you?"
> Ethan moves the DS half an inch from the bowl and ignores us.
> "Ethan, do you want us to take that for you?"
> "I'll just put it here." (Where here is 1 inch from the bowl of soup.)
> "OK. Just remember that you might spill soup on it OK?"
> "But I won't."
> "OK."
> This is where the spoon clatters to the floor and soup spills on the
> DS. "Oh no!! My DS! Is it OK?!"
> "Um, this time I think so. Why don't we put it on the stairs now?"
> "*harrumph* OK. *sigh*"
>
> Now we feel like maybe we are harassing/haranguing him. Sometimes the
> scenario is more whining on his part. Sometimes the scenario is more
> whining on our part. We'd really like to cut down on the conflict and
> the whining. When asked if he'd rather be responsible for his own DS,
> he always says, "No! No no no! I want you to take of it for me." When
> we say, "Ethan, you need to help us to take care of the DS by giving
> it to us when you're not using it," he sometimes gives it to us and
> sometimes doesn't.
>
> Basically, we're asking how people here handle responsibility for
> personal belongings. It was easy when Ethan was younger; we'd just
> take care of his stuff. Now he's older and wants to be more
> responsible, but doesn't want to, well, be more responsible in that it
> comes with a certain amount of risk. (He could lose/damage stuff he
> really cares about.) We're over whining and struggling and so is he.
> (It might be good to say here that we've always unschooled, but have
> only been moving toward RU for a few months.)
>
> We've donned both our listening ears and our protective gear ;) Let
> the thoughts/ideas/suggestions fly.
>
> Thanks.
>
> Peace,
> Mimi and Ba (sometimes called Esther and Jean Elizabeth)
>
> http:/3mommies.blogspot.com
>
>
>
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Three Mommies
> I would have accepted Ethan's decision to not move the DS from the soup.I do not feel like I am overly worried that he will wreck his DS. I am happy
> It's hard to sit by and watch something that feels painful for you. You
> were
> worried that Ethan would wreck his DS and then all hell would break loose.
> It might but it isn't helpful to him to protect him from "bad" feelings or
> "bad" things happening. You gave him information now trust him to utilize
> it
> or respect him when he doesn't, this is how he learns about the world.
>
to let him take over complete control of the DS and any consequences and
"bad" feelings that might happen. When I offer this to him HE begs me not to
do that. He knows he loses cartridges when he is on control of them (he has
lost 3, two of them his brother's), and he has a friend who has broken 3
DSs. He WANTS me to take care of them. But he does not always want to listen
to my guidelines for keeping it safe because it could get in the way of
whatever he is doing at the moment. That is where our upset comes in. *sigh*
Mimi and Ba
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
wisdomalways5
--- In [email protected], "Three Mommies" <3mommies@...>
wrote:
wants to play and eat HOW could it be kept safe- the ds in a plastic bag
was good- how about putting a towel under soup bowl so anything spilled
would be mostly soaked up before it got to the game- how about waiting
to eat until done playing- does he have any ideas of how to keep it
safe- could he push the soup to the side after taking a bite and then
move it over
the point is to help him find a way to keep it safe- otheriwse you are
in this power stuggle he wants to play and eat so how can that happen-
the solution has to be OK with him in the moment - and you taking it
away is not really working- he does not want it gone just safe-
Julie
www.the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com
<http://www.the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wrote:
>happy
>
> I do not feel like I am overly worried that he will wreck his DS. I am
> to let him take over complete control of the DS and any consequencesand
> "bad" feelings that might happen. When I offer this to him HE begs menot to
> do that. He knows he loses cartridges when he is on control of them(he has
> lost 3, two of them his brother's), and he has a friend who has broken3
> DSs. He WANTS me to take care of them. But he does not always want tolisten
> to my guidelines for keeping it safe because it could get in the wayof
> whatever he is doing at the moment. That is where our upset comes in.*sigh*
>perhaps you are only seeing 2 options where there could be many- if he
>
> Mimi and Ba
>
> >
wants to play and eat HOW could it be kept safe- the ds in a plastic bag
was good- how about putting a towel under soup bowl so anything spilled
would be mostly soaked up before it got to the game- how about waiting
to eat until done playing- does he have any ideas of how to keep it
safe- could he push the soup to the side after taking a bite and then
move it over
the point is to help him find a way to keep it safe- otheriwse you are
in this power stuggle he wants to play and eat so how can that happen-
the solution has to be OK with him in the moment - and you taking it
away is not really working- he does not want it gone just safe-
Julie
www.the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com
<http://www.the-life-of-fun.blogspot.com>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Three Mommies
OK. I can see where there are many options and I was stuck on a few options.
Thanks :)
We have been talking with him about the DS for a few days and, I think,
we're more clear on what he wants from us. It's not all about the soup; it's
about him wanting us to take care of/help him to take of his DS and his
wanting, simultaneously, to take more but not complete, responsibility for
his DS. We're still working out the details, but just hearing some responses
gave us more options and really helped us to listen to him and help him and
us figure out what could work.
Peace,
Jean Elizabeth & Esther
http://3mommies.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks :)
We have been talking with him about the DS for a few days and, I think,
we're more clear on what he wants from us. It's not all about the soup; it's
about him wanting us to take care of/help him to take of his DS and his
wanting, simultaneously, to take more but not complete, responsibility for
his DS. We're still working out the details, but just hearing some responses
gave us more options and really helped us to listen to him and help him and
us figure out what could work.
Peace,
Jean Elizabeth & Esther
http://3mommies.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]