paigekitten86

I have been lurking for a while on this list and it has really been
helping me alter my ways of thinking/parenting/behaving to be more in
tune with the ideals I have. My daughter is only 11 months old right
now, but I have known since I was a teenager that my kids were going
to be unschooled (I was homeschooled).

I am a hard time giving my daughter the time and supervision she needs
to fulfill her interests. I work at home for 4 hours a day, and up to
this point we have both been content with her sitting on my lap or
playing nearby. (My husband and I are working to get into a position
where I do not need to work so much) Recently she has begun wanting
to do whatever I am doing, so I try to give her a phone, her own files
in my filing cabinet to pull in and out, her own notebooks and pens,
keys et cetera. She knows that I have a phone and computer that work
and that hers do not so invariably we both end up frustrated because
neither of us get to us the "real" items as much as we would like and
need.

DD loves electronics and she gets to bang on the laptop with me or DH
right there (but not the work computer) and play with the guitar hero
controllers, remote controls, and camera as much as she would like,
but she would much rather use whatever we are using right that second.

For example, this morning I was on the phone and she wanted it so she
tried to grab it away from me. I pulled it back and handed her the
other receiver, she pushed a couple of buttons, realized they didn't
make noise, dropped it on the floor and reached for my phone again
accidentally hanging up on a potential resident.

Also part of my job is walking the property (I manage our apartment
complex) and she used to love being carried around, but now that she
is walking she wants to get down and walk wherever looks interesting.
She especially loves stairs, but as she is still learning I have to
be right behind her. She could go up and down stairs for hours on
end. When I am not working we walk at her pace and play on stairs,
but it is never as long as she would like. Part of the reason is my
own selfishness, when on the stairs I need to give her my full
attention and be physically holding her hand or ready to catch her at
a moments notice. After 20-40 minutes I get bored or my back gets
tired.

Once a week we visit a location that has a staircase she can manage on
her own and she plays on that for an hour or so.

I have also tried bringing a slide with stairs indoor for her to use,
but it is not as challenging as she would like, and she mastered it
very quickly and got bored.

I need ideas on ways to help her, or a good kick in the pants to make
me realize I should be sitting on stairs for hours on end everyday.

I don't want to just take things away, or pick her up, especially
because she will scream when I do (rightly so, I would to).

Right now I feel very frustrated and like I am not doing my job well,
or being a good mother (and the thread about the house has been nice,
since mine is not what I would like it to be)! Then I feel guilty
about being frustrated, and stressed about feeling guilty which is
another can of worms....

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jul 29, 2008, at 5:15 PM, paigekitten86 wrote:

Hi, sorry, I think your email got lost in the discussions about the
list.

> I work at home for 4 hours a day

Are there parts of your work that can be shifted to when she's asleep?

> but she would much rather use whatever we are using right that second.

The quickest fix is to realize you can't change that only make it
worse. Needs don't go away by being denied. Denying them just makes
them more intense.

Though it's hard to put actual numbers onto real life, I can make
some up to illustrate a point. ;-) If someone needs 5 fully attentive
interactions a day and mom only says yes to every 3rd request, they
have to ask 15 times to get those 5. It can feel like they're asking
all the time! Even worse, since they know that most requests get
turned down, and sometimes they don't get their 5, they have to ask
even more because they know they have to grasp every opportunity
possible to get their needs met. So if they feel needy, they're not
going to stop at 5. They're going to try to get as much as possible
since it's not freely available.

Adults do this too! Maybe most people here are too young to remember
gas crises, but people were filling up well before they needed to and
taking extra gas just because they weren't confident they could get
it when they needed it.

> realized they didn't
> make noise, dropped it on the floor and reached for my phone again
> accidentally hanging up on a potential resident.

Though aggravating, it's really helpful to let go of the consequences
of her actions. While it can feel deliberate, it's not. She's not
trying to make your life more difficult. She's just trying to meet
her needs.

I suspect you know that, but it's hard to let go. And it can make us
feel better to be angry at a child who has seemingly hurt us on
purpose than to be angry at a child who has no idea she's causing
problems.

Two things might help. Sign up for:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

and

Always Unschooled list
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysUnschooled/

where people might have a collection of practical ideas for that age.

Joyce

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Katie Paige

Oooh thank you for those links! That yahoo group looks like it has tons of great information.

I could make better use of the time when she is sleeping. I have set office hours when I need to be available, but that doesn't mean I can't work at other times of the day, and then just be around to answer the phone in the morning. I had avoided doing that because then I felt I was working all day, but obviously my solution isn't working for me... :) I hadn't really thought of that.



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