Social skills?
Tracy
My oldest child, Kendall, is 15 and thinks he needs better social
skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal. I
was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.
How can I help him? He has held a part-time job since last September
so it's not like he's isolated. We go shopping and are out & about.
Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
~ Tracy
skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal. I
was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.
How can I help him? He has held a part-time job since last September
so it's not like he's isolated. We go shopping and are out & about.
Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
~ Tracy
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "Tracy"
<rosehavencottage@...> wrote:
about other people and social situations. Some learn by jumping into
the middle of things and interacting, others by watching *first*. So
if he's a "watcher" then diving into the middle of things can
actually slow down his process. The trick (from my perspective, as a
fellow "watcher") is to find groups and settings where it feels okay
to watch without interacting - where nobody is going to try to coax
him into interacting before he's ready.
interacting with one another and talk about what they might be like,
what they could be talking about. Make up stories if you like.
terms of learning some basic skills that let me interact when I had
to. If he's not in retail, he can practice those skills anyway -
look complete strangers in the face and smile at them. Say hi to
everyone. If you have to talk to someone, find ways to be sincerely
interested in anything they have to say (or at least fake it
convincingly). Come up with some basic "conversations starters" -
open ended questions that let the other person talk so you can stand
there being sincerely interested ;)
Curiously, these same skills are the basis of flirting (still sure
you want him to learn them, mom?)!
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
<rosehavencottage@...> wrote:
>I
> My oldest child, Kendall, is 15 and thinks he needs better social
> skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal.
> was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.Beyond being normal, its a learning style - a way some people learn
about other people and social situations. Some learn by jumping into
the middle of things and interacting, others by watching *first*. So
if he's a "watcher" then diving into the middle of things can
actually slow down his process. The trick (from my perspective, as a
fellow "watcher") is to find groups and settings where it feels okay
to watch without interacting - where nobody is going to try to coax
him into interacting before he's ready.
>Take him people watching. Sit in cafes or whatever and watch people
> How can I help him?
interacting with one another and talk about what they might be like,
what they could be talking about. Make up stories if you like.
> He has held a part-time job since last SeptemberWhat does he do? I found working retail to be really helpful in
terms of learning some basic skills that let me interact when I had
to. If he's not in retail, he can practice those skills anyway -
look complete strangers in the face and smile at them. Say hi to
everyone. If you have to talk to someone, find ways to be sincerely
interested in anything they have to say (or at least fake it
convincingly). Come up with some basic "conversations starters" -
open ended questions that let the other person talk so you can stand
there being sincerely interested ;)
Curiously, these same skills are the basis of flirting (still sure
you want him to learn them, mom?)!
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
Faith Void
I don't know if this is helpful to everyone but I felt extremely lost with
my first kid when she was smaller (7 or 8). I didn't recieve what I needed
growing up in the social skills area. I looked into some therapy groups and
got into one with my dd. We both went. It was fun. I did a bunch of research
and found one that was in line with my personal beliefs in regards to
respecting where she was but giving her the help I didn't have to give. I
learned a lot. She said it was fun. It really helped me be able to talk to
humans that I didn't know well. I slowly gave up feeling like everyone hated
me. (not to say that;s your ds's problem) I think it helped her to sort out
other peoples social clues, I was afraid of hurting her the way I had been
hurt and was very unclear how to communicate social nuances. Anyway, it
really helped me and in turn helped my dd and the other kids I have now.
Faith
my first kid when she was smaller (7 or 8). I didn't recieve what I needed
growing up in the social skills area. I looked into some therapy groups and
got into one with my dd. We both went. It was fun. I did a bunch of research
and found one that was in line with my personal beliefs in regards to
respecting where she was but giving her the help I didn't have to give. I
learned a lot. She said it was fun. It really helped me be able to talk to
humans that I didn't know well. I slowly gave up feeling like everyone hated
me. (not to say that;s your ds's problem) I think it helped her to sort out
other peoples social clues, I was afraid of hurting her the way I had been
hurt and was very unclear how to communicate social nuances. Anyway, it
really helped me and in turn helped my dd and the other kids I have now.
Faith
On Thu, Jul 24, 2008 at 9:35 PM, Tracy <rosehavencottage@...> wrote:
> My oldest child, Kendall, is 15 and thinks he needs better social
> skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal. I
> was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.
>
> How can I help him? He has held a part-time job since last September
> so it's not like he's isolated. We go shopping and are out & about.
> Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
>
> ~ Tracy
>
>
>
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tracy
--- In [email protected], "Meredith" <meredith@...> wrote:
with co-workers and customers. I think the main problem is that he is
shy around girls. ::smile:: Thank you for replying! :)
~ Tracy
> > He has held a part-time job since last SeptemberHe works in a fast food restaurant - cooking - but has to interact
>
> What does he do? I found working retail to be really helpful in
> terms of learning some basic skills that let me interact when I had
> to. If he's not in retail, he can practice those skills anyway -
> look complete strangers in the face and smile at them. Say hi to
> everyone. If you have to talk to someone, find ways to be sincerely
> interested in anything they have to say (or at least fake it
> convincingly). Come up with some basic "conversations starters" -
> open ended questions that let the other person talk so you can stand
> there being sincerely interested ;)
>
> Curiously, these same skills are the basis of flirting (still sure
> you want him to learn them, mom?)!
>
> ---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
>
with co-workers and customers. I think the main problem is that he is
shy around girls. ::smile:: Thank you for replying! :)
~ Tracy
Pamela Sorooshian
One of my daughters says she always finds out about guys liking her
only after they've moved on to someone else. The guys she is attracted
to are the rather shy types, and she, herself, is shy.
This DOES seem to be a problem. I've told her to make more effort to
make eye contact, to smile at them, and to be a little more brave,
remembering that they are feeling shy, too, and maybe go ahead ask
them if they want to do something together, if the moment seems right,
like, "Do you want to walk over to Baskin-Robbins and get ice cream?"
The shyness, for her, is fear of assuming they like her and being
wrong - the worst thing she can imagine is openly showing that she
likes someone and being rejected. Too embarrassing to take the risk,
in her mind. So she sort of does the opposite of making herself easy
to approach, she holds back. She's now aware that she does it, and she
understands the effect it has on the guys who are feeling pretty much
the same way. Her biggest problem these days is that her pool of
available guys is very very small - she spends almost all her time in
musical theater groups in which a vast majority of the guys are gay. I
think her challenge is to find some hobby or activity or something
that attracts intellectual-type, nice guys. Doing theater and having
rehearsals almost every night - that is really a major limiting factor.
Pam
only after they've moved on to someone else. The guys she is attracted
to are the rather shy types, and she, herself, is shy.
This DOES seem to be a problem. I've told her to make more effort to
make eye contact, to smile at them, and to be a little more brave,
remembering that they are feeling shy, too, and maybe go ahead ask
them if they want to do something together, if the moment seems right,
like, "Do you want to walk over to Baskin-Robbins and get ice cream?"
The shyness, for her, is fear of assuming they like her and being
wrong - the worst thing she can imagine is openly showing that she
likes someone and being rejected. Too embarrassing to take the risk,
in her mind. So she sort of does the opposite of making herself easy
to approach, she holds back. She's now aware that she does it, and she
understands the effect it has on the guys who are feeling pretty much
the same way. Her biggest problem these days is that her pool of
available guys is very very small - she spends almost all her time in
musical theater groups in which a vast majority of the guys are gay. I
think her challenge is to find some hobby or activity or something
that attracts intellectual-type, nice guys. Doing theater and having
rehearsals almost every night - that is really a major limiting factor.
Pam
On Jul 26, 2008, at 5:42 AM, Tracy wrote:
> I think the main problem is that he is
> shy around girls. ::smile:: Thank you for replying! :)
Tracy
Hi Pam - Rejection is tough to deal with no matter what age you are.
I'm sure that has a lot to do with Kendall's shyness. But you made
some great points & I will pass that along to him the next time he
brings it up. Thank you!
~ Tracy
I'm sure that has a lot to do with Kendall's shyness. But you made
some great points & I will pass that along to him the next time he
brings it up. Thank you!
~ Tracy
Shannon
As a shy flirt myself. there is a trick someone taut me years and years ago.
I think it is called the triangle or something like that. basically look
from the guy's eyes, mouth to the floor. It took some playing with but it
really does work. However, in the teen years - my best friend said - if they
(meaning boys) talk to you they are interested. Go for it! It doesn't mean
throw yourself at them but short missions are better then long ones. Group
dates are better then alone ones and no matter what remember to smile and
laugh.
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Pamela Sorooshian
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2008 1:02 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Social skills?
One of my daughters says she always finds out about guys liking her
only after they've moved on to someone else. The guys she is attracted
to are the rather shy types, and she, herself, is shy.
This DOES seem to be a problem. I've told her to make more effort to
make eye contact, to smile at them, and to be a little more brave,
remembering that they are feeling shy, too, and maybe go ahead ask
them if they want to do something together, if the moment seems right,
like, "Do you want to walk over to Baskin-Robbins and get ice cream?"
The shyness, for her, is fear of assuming they like her and being
wrong - the worst thing she can imagine is openly showing that she
likes someone and being rejected. Too embarrassing to take the risk,
in her mind. So she sort of does the opposite of making herself easy
to approach, she holds back. She's now aware that she does it, and she
understands the effect it has on the guys who are feeling pretty much
the same way. Her biggest problem these days is that her pool of
available guys is very very small - she spends almost all her time in
musical theater groups in which a vast majority of the guys are gay. I
think her challenge is to find some hobby or activity or something
that attracts intellectual-type, nice guys. Doing theater and having
rehearsals almost every night - that is really a major limiting factor.
Pam
I think it is called the triangle or something like that. basically look
from the guy's eyes, mouth to the floor. It took some playing with but it
really does work. However, in the teen years - my best friend said - if they
(meaning boys) talk to you they are interested. Go for it! It doesn't mean
throw yourself at them but short missions are better then long ones. Group
dates are better then alone ones and no matter what remember to smile and
laugh.
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Pamela Sorooshian
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2008 1:02 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Social skills?
One of my daughters says she always finds out about guys liking her
only after they've moved on to someone else. The guys she is attracted
to are the rather shy types, and she, herself, is shy.
This DOES seem to be a problem. I've told her to make more effort to
make eye contact, to smile at them, and to be a little more brave,
remembering that they are feeling shy, too, and maybe go ahead ask
them if they want to do something together, if the moment seems right,
like, "Do you want to walk over to Baskin-Robbins and get ice cream?"
The shyness, for her, is fear of assuming they like her and being
wrong - the worst thing she can imagine is openly showing that she
likes someone and being rejected. Too embarrassing to take the risk,
in her mind. So she sort of does the opposite of making herself easy
to approach, she holds back. She's now aware that she does it, and she
understands the effect it has on the guys who are feeling pretty much
the same way. Her biggest problem these days is that her pool of
available guys is very very small - she spends almost all her time in
musical theater groups in which a vast majority of the guys are gay. I
think her challenge is to find some hobby or activity or something
that attracts intellectual-type, nice guys. Doing theater and having
rehearsals almost every night - that is really a major limiting factor.
Pam
On Jul 26, 2008, at 5:42 AM, Tracy wrote:
> I think the main problem is that he is
> shy around girls. ::smile:: Thank you for replying! :)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Tracy <rosehavencottage@...>
My oldest child, Kendall, is 15 and thinks he needs better social
skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal. I
was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.
How can I help him? He has held a part-time job since last September
so it's not like he's isolated. We go shopping and are out & about.
Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
-=-=-=-==-
You could be writing about Cameron at 15-ish.
He rarely spoke. He was a bit uncomfortable. He wanted to be more
social. He tended to sit back and watch, saying little. Just kind of
"absorbing" things. That's the way he does almost all things though.
<g> He sits back and absorbs and then suddenly EXPLODES!
Ben and I chose to be strong examples: always smiling, holding out our
hands, and introducing ourselves and him. We spoke *for* him a
lot---until he was ready. We talked about what to expect *before* and
kind of talked about what happened *afterwards*. About how he/we
handles things and how he/we could do better.
We entertain a LOT. So he got a lot of modeling there too. How to set
the house: mood, food, hosting. It's easier for *me* to host others in
my own home than to go to strangers' homes---but we do a lot of that
too! <g>
But suddenly, when he was 18, I guess, *he* was introducing *us* to all
these new people. He had started playing drums and was working downtown
with several bands. One night, we had gone to see him at Mac's, and we
were astounded to watch him work the crowds!
I remember: Ben and I were standing on the sidewalk in front of Mac's
on Main, and we looked over to see him working the crowd, shaking
hands, and handing out his business cards. He knew *everyone* in town!
We were shocked! When did that happen?? <g>
My suggestion is to be as social as *you* can be so that he can have a
good role model.
But not everyone IS social! And I don't think everyone *needs* to be.
But if he *wants* to be, help him by setting up situations where he can
*be* social. Start at home, if that's comfortable for him. Have a party
or two. Or go TO parties. Put yourselves in situations to be social.
Talk about what to expect before and "debrief" afterwards. Role-play,
maybe (I don't do that well, but I guess it works for some people! <g>).
Experience is really helpful in almost all situations, but particularly
with this! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
From: Tracy <rosehavencottage@...>
My oldest child, Kendall, is 15 and thinks he needs better social
skills. He gets shy and quiet around new people - which is normal. I
was the same way growing up. But he wants to improve in this area.
How can I help him? He has held a part-time job since last September
so it's not like he's isolated. We go shopping and are out & about.
Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
-=-=-=-==-
You could be writing about Cameron at 15-ish.
He rarely spoke. He was a bit uncomfortable. He wanted to be more
social. He tended to sit back and watch, saying little. Just kind of
"absorbing" things. That's the way he does almost all things though.
<g> He sits back and absorbs and then suddenly EXPLODES!
Ben and I chose to be strong examples: always smiling, holding out our
hands, and introducing ourselves and him. We spoke *for* him a
lot---until he was ready. We talked about what to expect *before* and
kind of talked about what happened *afterwards*. About how he/we
handles things and how he/we could do better.
We entertain a LOT. So he got a lot of modeling there too. How to set
the house: mood, food, hosting. It's easier for *me* to host others in
my own home than to go to strangers' homes---but we do a lot of that
too! <g>
But suddenly, when he was 18, I guess, *he* was introducing *us* to all
these new people. He had started playing drums and was working downtown
with several bands. One night, we had gone to see him at Mac's, and we
were astounded to watch him work the crowds!
I remember: Ben and I were standing on the sidewalk in front of Mac's
on Main, and we looked over to see him working the crowd, shaking
hands, and handing out his business cards. He knew *everyone* in town!
We were shocked! When did that happen?? <g>
My suggestion is to be as social as *you* can be so that he can have a
good role model.
But not everyone IS social! And I don't think everyone *needs* to be.
But if he *wants* to be, help him by setting up situations where he can
*be* social. Start at home, if that's comfortable for him. Have a party
or two. Or go TO parties. Put yourselves in situations to be social.
Talk about what to expect before and "debrief" afterwards. Role-play,
maybe (I don't do that well, but I guess it works for some people! <g>).
Experience is really helpful in almost all situations, but particularly
with this! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference