Lanie Carlson-Lim

I'm all for indulging! My kids are worth it! <g> I indulge them whenever I
can. I indulge my husband. And myself. My friends, sometimes, too! <g>

They learn the value of money by being able to play with it, earn it, spend
it, save it, learn with it




I so agree with this! I definately have money issues as an adult and I want my kids to be able to learn how to handle it...each one is different I have one who saves and will do "extra" stuff to earn "extra" money and one who has money to burn so does :)

The problem I have in general is my ex and I don't agree on alot of things. I give the boys $1/week for their age...I was doing the 1/3,1/3,1/3 thing, but that never worked out...so after reading all these great posts on money I decided to give it all to them and let them do what they will...I may offer monthly interest on money that is saved each month ( I am a horrible saver...I so want everything NOW which usually gets me into trouble with debt)...their dad gives the 12 yo $3 and the 8 yo $1 because he says they aren't really at his house enough to really do chores (BLAH)


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Dawn Del Rossi

I'm typing this quick so my wording may be off and I know we are
dealing with all sorts of issues in our house right now with Chris
leaving and 5 kids and their natural stages but any light or
suggestions you may be able to shed would be appreciated. I have a
container that I keep change in. Whenever the kids have asked for
money, I get some from there. They like to count it out and play with
it, no problem. They are under the belief it is my money. I try to
give the kids money when ever they ask as long as I have it to give
when we go to the store or a museum I usually give them say $5 or 10
to spend on whatever they want or they can save it or whatever. We've
also started giving them an allowance - a dollar for each age. A few
months ago Dominic (our 5 year old) took lots of the change from the
container "without asking." The other kids told him he was stealing
the money and needed to put it back and told me. I talked to Dominic
and explained that if he felt like he needed any money we could work
something out together that he didn't need to take it. I let him know
I wasn't angry at him. I know he's taken more of the change since
then on multiple occasions (He likes to count and exchange his coins
for $ so he'll do that with all his change and then a few days later
he has miraculously found more change to count and exchange) but I
haven't said anything to him directly. The issue of taking things
that don't belong to you has come up in relation to other things so we
have talked about it. Yesterday I received $20 to pay for tickets to
a ballet for another family and left it sitting on my desk. This
morning it's gone. I don't know what to do about this. Is it just a
stage that he'll work out on him own? Should I talk to him alone?
Should we talk together as a family about it? If we talk about it how
do I word it? I want to trust in our family to know that if I leave
something out someone isn't going to take it.

As a side note, this also happened when I was a kid with my brother.
He made me an accomplice. He would "find" money on the road or in the
woods and then share it with me. My parents kept a large container
with change in it that they counted every so often and kept a record
of it. Until my parents "caught" that money was missing I was naive
as to where my brother got the money, but as soon as they called us on
it, I knew. They sequestered us together until the guilty culprit
turned himself in - as the case was. I didn't tell on my brother but
once we were alone I told him he had to tell, he would say I was just
as guilty because I had taken the money from him so I had to confess
too. He was uncomfortable, scared, nervous, embarrassed or whatever.
I don't remember the details of how it ended up working out, how many
minutes/hours it took of us being sequestered before he confessed but
I do remember that it was extremely unpleasant. I don't want to
punish all my kids or make them work against each other to "flush" out
who took the money. I have said to them all that there was $20 on my
desk I don't need to or want to know who took it but that it wasn't my
money and that I would like it returned to the desk and left it at
that. Hopefully it will reappear, but what if it doesn't and if it
does reappear should I just leave it at that?

Thanks,
Dawn, wife to Christopher, mother to Nicholas (9), Alessandra (7),
Dominic (6), Carmella (3) and Francesca (1)

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plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], Dawn Del Rossi <dawn@...> wrote:
>A few
> months ago Dominic (our 5 year old) took lots of the change from the
> container "without asking."

At 5, kids will still say things they wish were true as though they were true, and believe things they wish were true as if they were fact (some adults do that, too, but its normal for a 5yo ;)). Its also the age where many kids "steal" things - I mean from an older viewpoint its stealing, but from the child's pov, he wants it, so its his, right? Its a gap in understanding, not a gap in ethics, per se.

>>(He likes to count and exchange his coins
> for $ so he'll do that with all his change and then a few days later
> he has miraculously found more change to count and exchange)

It may be that the change jar strategy is one that doesn't work so well with this kid. It expects him to do something he can't, yet, which is keep in mind the needs and wants and wishes of the other family members at the same time as his own - he wants to count and exchange money, its a fascinating game for him. Maybe you can create another way for him to do that, one that doesn't impinge on others.

If you're going to talk with the kids (singly or in a group) I'd somehow put the emphasis on the money jar not being such a good idea anymore, not meeting everyone's needs, rather than making an issue of "stealing". Its a misunderstanding, like spending the last dollars in the checking account on new shoes, when the phone bill needs to be paid.

>>I want to trust in our family to know that if I leave
> something out someone isn't going to take it.

It might not be a reasonable assumption! Or not right now, anyway. Again, think in terms of a younger child putting anything and everything in her mouth - you wouldn't expect to be able to leave certain things lying around. Or a 2yo who loves to climb - you wouldn't expect that certain kinds of chairs or gates would be "safe" and would be careful around ladders, right? Five is still little! This 5yo isn't the same as your previous 5yos, so his needs are going to be different, and your strategies will have to be different, too.

---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)

otherstar

>>>>>A few months ago Dominic (our 5 year old) took lots of the change from the
container "without asking." The other kids told him he was stealing
the money and needed to put it back and told me.<<<<

Five is still very young. He may not get the concept of stealing. I was talking to my now teen niece about some stuff she took when she was a kid. She said she didn't do it to be an ass. She did it because it was shiny and cool and she just couldn't resist playing with it. I suspect that is where you 5 year old is at. If you already give him an allowance, I think I would reconsider how I doled it out. Instead of giving him 5 dollars at the end of the week, I would give him a little bit of change every day. My 5 year doesn't really get the concept of money. She knows that you use it to buy stuff but distinguishing the value of each coin or bill is still a bit lost on her. My 8 year old loves having an allowance and has always loved to play with money and count money. Before giving her an actual allowance, we would find reasons to giver her money to play with or count. '

>>>>>Yesterday I received $20 to pay for tickets to
a ballet for another family and left it sitting on my desk. This
morning it's gone. I don't know what to do about this.<<<<<

I would start looking for it. I wouldn't assume that anyone took it. Did you misplace it? I would start looking for it in earnest and ask the kids to help me find it. I would emphasize how important it is to find the money because it isn't your money. With a 1 year old and a 3 year old, it could have very easily gotten knocked off the desk and picked up by one of them.

Connie

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Bun

Would your son like his own money jar to keep change in and to exchange bill and change over and over? Sometimes when my son liked to have his *own* things (as opposed to things that the whole family shared). Laurie

Bun

I had time to think on this last night and finally write this am. However, I replied to the same thread on the alwaysunschooled list. So, will copy and paste here too if that is okay...
---

Yesterday I received $20 to pay for tickets to
> a ballet for another family and left it sitting on my desk. This
> morning it's gone. I don't know what to do about this.
Hi Dawn, I'd be honest and ask for help. I bet if the kids knew that the money belonged to someone else and was given so this other family could go to the ballet that they'd want to help find it.
When I wish for help finding things, I ask for help. Sometimes (with my younger kids), I might say something like, Could you use your "eagle eyes" to help me look for it? They usually like helping out and are likely to find things just as well or even faster than I can. I so do appreciate it when they help me look for things (and I help them too when they ask me to help them).
I would ask the whole family the following in an honest and direct way: "Did anyone see the twenty bucks left on the desk? I'm trying to find it because it is xyz's family's money to go to the ballet. Friend Smith (or whoever) dropped it off to us to give to them (or whatever the circumstances were) and now it's gone. I sure hope we can find it so we can give it to them and they can go to the ballet!"
If I truly thought (and know you could be wrong) that someone took it, I would ask "Did anyone take it or know where it is?" I would say that as if I were talking about *anything* that might have been picked up from the desk...not like someone "stole it" because you truly don't know how it disappeared - like Pat said, it could just be buried or misplaced. Even if someone did take it, they may be too young to understand why that is not okay and so forth or they may just be playing with it like they'd pick up and play with anything and probably not realize it's importance (it takes a long time to truly understand what money is all about).
I'd try to put things for other people in places where no one is likely to find them. Sometimes the little ones just can't help themselves.
Try not to think of your ds like your brother. They are different people with different upbringings and experiences.

We too have a couple money jars/areas.....When two of my kids were around ages 3 1/2 - 5 or 6ish, they also went into the change areas (drawer in bathroom) to get money. It took a while and many reminders from my dh - it was his change - for the kids to remember to ask first. The kids used to call him at work even sometimes to ask if they could have his change for their change jar (they had their own stashes). Dh would usually agree, but say not to take any bills. I have a change jar too..a beautiful purple see-through glass pitcher that I keep on a bookshelf in the bedroom. My four yr old dd now likes to get it down and see if there is any change in there. She sometimes forgets to ask me, sometimes remembers to tell me afterward, sometimes asks me while she is climbing and sometimes does remember beforehand.

Laurie (mom to katie 12, li 8, makana 4, and kanoa 1 now!!)

earthmothergypsy

I have so enjoyed this thread. *money* is always one of those areas that can be challenging to figure out. Allowance or no allowance? Give freely or not? etc....

I love what Laurie has written and I feel it goes beyond money and can be used for many different areas of our lives. Such a nice way to go about getting help to find something no matter how it was lost.

~A

--- In [email protected], "Bun" <alohabun@...> wrote:
>
> I had time to think on this last night and finally write this am. However, I replied to the same thread on the alwaysunschooled list. So, will copy and paste here too if that is okay...
> ---
>
> Yesterday I received $20 to pay for tickets to
> > a ballet for another family and left it sitting on my desk. This
> > morning it's gone. I don't know what to do about this.
> Hi Dawn, I'd be honest and ask for help. I bet if the kids knew that the money belonged to someone else and was given so this other family could go to the ballet that they'd want to help find it.
> When I wish for help finding things, I ask for help. Sometimes (with my younger kids), I might say something like, Could you use your "eagle eyes" to help me look for it? They usually like helping out and are likely to find things just as well or even faster than I can. I so do appreciate it when they help me look for things (and I help them too when they ask me to help them).
> I would ask the whole family the following in an honest and direct way: "Did anyone see the twenty bucks left on the desk? I'm trying to find it because it is xyz's family's money to go to the ballet. Friend Smith (or whoever) dropped it off to us to give to them (or whatever the circumstances were) and now it's gone. I sure hope we can find it so we can give it to them and they can go to the ballet!"
> If I truly thought (and know you could be wrong) that someone took it, I would ask "Did anyone take it or know where it is?" I would say that as if I were talking about *anything* that might have been picked up from the desk...not like someone "stole it" because you truly don't know how it disappeared - like Pat said, it could just be buried or misplaced. Even if someone did take it, they may be too young to understand why that is not okay and so forth or they may just be playing with it like they'd pick up and play with anything and probably not realize it's importance (it takes a long time to truly understand what money is all about).
> I'd try to put things for other people in places where no one is likely to find them. Sometimes the little ones just can't help themselves.
> Try not to think of your ds like your brother. They are different people with different upbringings and experiences.
>
> We too have a couple money jars/areas.....When two of my kids were around ages 3 1/2 - 5 or 6ish, they also went into the change areas (drawer in bathroom) to get money. It took a while and many reminders from my dh - it was his change - for the kids to remember to ask first. The kids used to call him at work even sometimes to ask if they could have his change for their change jar (they had their own stashes). Dh would usually agree, but say not to take any bills. I have a change jar too..a beautiful purple see-through glass pitcher that I keep on a bookshelf in the bedroom. My four yr old dd now likes to get it down and see if there is any change in there. She sometimes forgets to ask me, sometimes remembers to tell me afterward, sometimes asks me while she is climbing and sometimes does remember beforehand.
>
> Laurie (mom to katie 12, li 8, makana 4, and kanoa 1 now!!)
>