Adventures in unschooled eating
cherapple
Just this past week, I finally let go of controlling what the girls
eat and I told them that they could eat whatever they wanted (and
watch TV and use the computer whenever they wanted). You know what my
12yo daughter said to me last night, after only a few days? "Mom, can
we go back to the way we ate before?" LOL! Meaning, that she wanted me
to tell her what to eat again! She said she didn't feel as good as she
usually does, now that she's allowed to eat all the sugar and
less-healthy foods that she wants, and that maybe she doesn't have
enough control over herself to be allowed to eat them so much. (She
has migrain issues that may be at least partially diet related.)
I explained to her that before, when I would tell her what she could
and couldn't eat, I was expecting her to eat the way that *I* wanted
to eat, and that I didn't feel right doing that anymore. I said I'd be
happy to limit the amount of "junk food" that we have in the house, if
that would help her (because money is an issue when it comes to buying
whatever food they want, and I'd prefer to spend our money on the
foods that provide the most nutrition). But I can see her now learning
firsthand how different foods make her feel!
My 9yo daughter's input to the conversation: "Don't go back to telling
ME what to eat, Mommy." :D I received a HUGE hug from her when I told
her she could watch TV whenever she wanted. On my part, it has felt
very freeing to let go and stop expecting my children to behave like
mini-me's. I feel closer to them, and more open to who they truly are.
Cheryl
eat and I told them that they could eat whatever they wanted (and
watch TV and use the computer whenever they wanted). You know what my
12yo daughter said to me last night, after only a few days? "Mom, can
we go back to the way we ate before?" LOL! Meaning, that she wanted me
to tell her what to eat again! She said she didn't feel as good as she
usually does, now that she's allowed to eat all the sugar and
less-healthy foods that she wants, and that maybe she doesn't have
enough control over herself to be allowed to eat them so much. (She
has migrain issues that may be at least partially diet related.)
I explained to her that before, when I would tell her what she could
and couldn't eat, I was expecting her to eat the way that *I* wanted
to eat, and that I didn't feel right doing that anymore. I said I'd be
happy to limit the amount of "junk food" that we have in the house, if
that would help her (because money is an issue when it comes to buying
whatever food they want, and I'd prefer to spend our money on the
foods that provide the most nutrition). But I can see her now learning
firsthand how different foods make her feel!
My 9yo daughter's input to the conversation: "Don't go back to telling
ME what to eat, Mommy." :D I received a HUGE hug from her when I told
her she could watch TV whenever she wanted. On my part, it has felt
very freeing to let go and stop expecting my children to behave like
mini-me's. I feel closer to them, and more open to who they truly are.
Cheryl
Judy R
I have had a similar experience in that I have finally also let go of trying to control what they eat - I have 13 1/2 year old twin girls. I was totally upfront with them about it; I also often share things with them that I read on this list - they are in 100% agreement! And whenever I slip back into "telling" them what to do, or trying to manipulate them into something and I catch myself, I'll say something about it to them - we had a pretty good relationship[ before, but I can see more trust and joy in it, and more willingness on their part to share things with me :-) Also there's more willingness on *my* part to see what are my issues (cleaning the house) and not feel resentful that I am washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom *again* - actually one of the girls washed (some of) the dishes the other day, totally on her own - there's just a whole different dynamic going around! Judy R in kingston ontario
----- Original Message -----
From: cherapple
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, June 29, 2008 1:11 PM
Subject: [SPAM?] [unschoolingbasics] Adventures in unschooled eating
Just this past week, I finally let go of controlling what the girls
eat and I told them that they could eat whatever they wanted (and
watch TV and use the computer whenever they wanted). You know what my
12yo daughter said to me last night, after only a few days? "Mom, can
we go back to the way we ate before?" LOL! Meaning, that she wanted me
to tell her what to eat again! She said she didn't feel as good as she
usually does, now that she's allowed to eat all the sugar and
less-healthy foods that she wants, and that maybe she doesn't have
enough control over herself to be allowed to eat them so much. (She
has migrain issues that may be at least partially diet related.)
I explained to her that before, when I would tell her what she could
and couldn't eat, I was expecting her to eat the way that *I* wanted
to eat, and that I didn't feel right doing that anymore. I said I'd be
happy to limit the amount of "junk food" that we have in the house, if
that would help her (because money is an issue when it comes to buying
whatever food they want, and I'd prefer to spend our money on the
foods that provide the most nutrition). But I can see her now learning
firsthand how different foods make her feel!
My 9yo daughter's input to the conversation: "Don't go back to telling
ME what to eat, Mommy." :D I received a HUGE hug from her when I told
her she could watch TV whenever she wanted. On my part, it has felt
very freeing to let go and stop expecting my children to behave like
mini-me's. I feel closer to them, and more open to who they truly are.
Cheryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: cherapple <mosaicknits@...>
Just this past week, I finally let go of controlling what the girls
eat and I told them that they could eat whatever they wanted (and
watch TV and use the computer whenever they wanted). You know what my
12yo daughter said to me last night, after only a few days? "Mom, can
we go back to the way we ate before?" LOL! Meaning, that she wanted me
to tell her what to eat again! She said she didn't feel as good as she
usually does, now that she's allowed to eat all the sugar and
less-healthy foods that she wants, and that maybe she doesn't have
enough control over herself to be allowed to eat them so much. (She
has migrain issues that may be at least partially diet related.)
I explained to her that before, when I would tell her what she could
and couldn't eat, I was expecting her to eat the way that *I* wanted
to eat, and that I didn't feel right doing that anymore. I said I'd be
happy to limit the amount of "junk food" that we have in the house, if
that would help her (because money is an issue when it comes to buying
whatever food they want, and I'd prefer to spend our money on the
foods that provide the most nutrition). But I can see her now learning
firsthand how different foods make her feel!
My 9yo daughter's input to the conversation: "Don't go back to telling
ME what to eat, Mommy." :D I received a HUGE hug from her when I told
her she could watch TV whenever she wanted. On my part, it has felt
very freeing to let go and stop expecting my children to behave like
mini-me's. I feel closer to them, and more open to who they truly are.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The two reactions are very interesting. <g> And I'm glad that things
are working out well.
I want to point out that simply "letting go" of control is not what we
tend to advocate here.
Rather than say: "You can eat whatever you want" and "You can do
whatever you want," we generally suggest that you simply start saying
"yes" more. Don't pull the rug out from under them. It can be scary.
Make the transition more slowly. E-a-s-e into it.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: cherapple <mosaicknits@...>
Just this past week, I finally let go of controlling what the girls
eat and I told them that they could eat whatever they wanted (and
watch TV and use the computer whenever they wanted). You know what my
12yo daughter said to me last night, after only a few days? "Mom, can
we go back to the way we ate before?" LOL! Meaning, that she wanted me
to tell her what to eat again! She said she didn't feel as good as she
usually does, now that she's allowed to eat all the sugar and
less-healthy foods that she wants, and that maybe she doesn't have
enough control over herself to be allowed to eat them so much. (She
has migrain issues that may be at least partially diet related.)
I explained to her that before, when I would tell her what she could
and couldn't eat, I was expecting her to eat the way that *I* wanted
to eat, and that I didn't feel right doing that anymore. I said I'd be
happy to limit the amount of "junk food" that we have in the house, if
that would help her (because money is an issue when it comes to buying
whatever food they want, and I'd prefer to spend our money on the
foods that provide the most nutrition). But I can see her now learning
firsthand how different foods make her feel!
My 9yo daughter's input to the conversation: "Don't go back to telling
ME what to eat, Mommy." :D I received a HUGE hug from her when I told
her she could watch TV whenever she wanted. On my part, it has felt
very freeing to let go and stop expecting my children to behave like
mini-me's. I feel closer to them, and more open to who they truly are.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The two reactions are very interesting. <g> And I'm glad that things
are working out well.
I want to point out that simply "letting go" of control is not what we
tend to advocate here.
Rather than say: "You can eat whatever you want" and "You can do
whatever you want," we generally suggest that you simply start saying
"yes" more. Don't pull the rug out from under them. It can be scary.
Make the transition more slowly. E-a-s-e into it.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
Robin
I'm new to unschooling and would like to understand better how it can
work in a context where the kids have significant other role models in
their life (their mommy!) even though I am their primary caregiver. I
want to give them the best start in life, and partly from discussions
here, I realize that control and restriction brings about what your are
afraid of or worried about. I used to know this but somehow when I
landed with kids (and my every move was scrutinized) I fell back on
"conventional wisdom" (or "how my mom did it" more like) or something.
In any case, it makes sense to me that if I try to restrict or control
it's like playing tug-of-war: they pull against the restriction and it
makes them go toward what I'm trying to keep them from. So no restrictions.
My concern is that I know that I am not modeling health because I don't
feel healthy, and neither do most of the other significant role models
in their family (their grandmother and mother foremost amongst them,
according to their own words).
But my original question wasn't exactly "shouldn't I continue to control
their food because I still have some worries..." it was "does anyone
have any ideas how I can best deal in a situation where I am concerned
that the kids are not getting the best role models (particularly with
regard to food and TV)?"
Here's a quote from Sandra Dodd's web site:
"Moving Toward Less Control, Concerning Food
Sandra Dodd, responding...
"Talking about different types of foods, *modeling healthy eating
behaviors*, and helping them choose (rather than choosing for them) will
enable them to make the right choices for themselves." [my emphasis added]
I feel confident of my understanding of the dynamic described in the
rest of the page (how humans react when restrictions are loosened and
then eventually balance out). My ongoing concern is with the modeling. I
am changing what I model, but I am not the only or maybe even the
primary influence on my half-grown (or so) step-grandkids.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where they came late to
unschooling and have eating habits they don't like the results of that
that might have affected the kids and now everything is changing?
I see this is really two questions (1) I am concerned about my past and
perhaps ongoing modeling food behaviors I don't like the results of
(poor health); and (2) I am concerned about the modeling other
significant close family members are giving the kids (bulimia among
them). Giving the kids choice, talking to them about food and how it
feels and works for all involved should go a long way, but are there
other ideas that I've missed?
Robin
work in a context where the kids have significant other role models in
their life (their mommy!) even though I am their primary caregiver. I
want to give them the best start in life, and partly from discussions
here, I realize that control and restriction brings about what your are
afraid of or worried about. I used to know this but somehow when I
landed with kids (and my every move was scrutinized) I fell back on
"conventional wisdom" (or "how my mom did it" more like) or something.
In any case, it makes sense to me that if I try to restrict or control
it's like playing tug-of-war: they pull against the restriction and it
makes them go toward what I'm trying to keep them from. So no restrictions.
My concern is that I know that I am not modeling health because I don't
feel healthy, and neither do most of the other significant role models
in their family (their grandmother and mother foremost amongst them,
according to their own words).
But my original question wasn't exactly "shouldn't I continue to control
their food because I still have some worries..." it was "does anyone
have any ideas how I can best deal in a situation where I am concerned
that the kids are not getting the best role models (particularly with
regard to food and TV)?"
Here's a quote from Sandra Dodd's web site:
"Moving Toward Less Control, Concerning Food
Sandra Dodd, responding...
"Talking about different types of foods, *modeling healthy eating
behaviors*, and helping them choose (rather than choosing for them) will
enable them to make the right choices for themselves." [my emphasis added]
I feel confident of my understanding of the dynamic described in the
rest of the page (how humans react when restrictions are loosened and
then eventually balance out). My ongoing concern is with the modeling. I
am changing what I model, but I am not the only or maybe even the
primary influence on my half-grown (or so) step-grandkids.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where they came late to
unschooling and have eating habits they don't like the results of that
that might have affected the kids and now everything is changing?
I see this is really two questions (1) I am concerned about my past and
perhaps ongoing modeling food behaviors I don't like the results of
(poor health); and (2) I am concerned about the modeling other
significant close family members are giving the kids (bulimia among
them). Giving the kids choice, talking to them about food and how it
feels and works for all involved should go a long way, but are there
other ideas that I've missed?
Robin
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jul 10, 2008, at 3:03 PM, Robin wrote:
way to change the kids. Focus on changing your eating habits *for
you* and just allow your model to be there for them. Answer their
questions, certainly. Make nutritious food available among the
choices and easy or easier for them to grab than snacky food, yes.
Picture the aura difference between Mother Teresa who went about her
work with serenity knowing she was doing what was right for her and a
fiery preacher who is out to protect people from themselves and from
the evil in the world. Which would you be drawn to and which would
you avoid?
Any messages we have for our kids that they haven't asked for are
going to be a whole lot easier for them to absorb if they're about us
and not about the kids.
(One caveat to anyone: don't stretch that farther than it wants to
go. Don't avoid stopping kids from hitting each other or helping them
find better ways to get what they want besides grabbing and so forth.)
The more self assured you are that you're on the right path *for
you*, the more the kids are likely to look to you as a reliable
source of nonjudgmental, sensible information and the less they'll be
looking to others who feel a bit rocky and less centered.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> My ongoing concern is with the modeling. II'm still seeing some control issues! You're seeing what you do as a
> am changing what I model, but I am not the only or maybe even the
> primary influence on my half-grown (or so) step-grandkids.
way to change the kids. Focus on changing your eating habits *for
you* and just allow your model to be there for them. Answer their
questions, certainly. Make nutritious food available among the
choices and easy or easier for them to grab than snacky food, yes.
Picture the aura difference between Mother Teresa who went about her
work with serenity knowing she was doing what was right for her and a
fiery preacher who is out to protect people from themselves and from
the evil in the world. Which would you be drawn to and which would
you avoid?
Any messages we have for our kids that they haven't asked for are
going to be a whole lot easier for them to absorb if they're about us
and not about the kids.
(One caveat to anyone: don't stretch that farther than it wants to
go. Don't avoid stopping kids from hitting each other or helping them
find better ways to get what they want besides grabbing and so forth.)
The more self assured you are that you're on the right path *for
you*, the more the kids are likely to look to you as a reliable
source of nonjudgmental, sensible information and the less they'll be
looking to others who feel a bit rocky and less centered.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]