Guilt over past behaviors/actions
jamieminnis
I have searched the archives and can not find anything about this, so
i apologize if it has already been discussed.
We have been unschooling our boys and working toward living a true RU
life, but lately I have been overwhelmed by guilt over how little I
know my oldest son. We have made great strides in our relationship
in the last few months -- he is again allowing me to hug him and
wants me to cuddle with him at bedtime and throughout the day -- but
it seems that as things become better and better, I realize how bad
they were before and then I swarmed with guilt over all that I have
missed with him. I wish I had paid more attention and enjoyed each
stage that he went through and I know that there is no way to go back
and do it again. I do love him dearly -- he is awesome -- so
charming, thoughtful, empathetic, smart, curious, and full of
energy.
Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
positively?
Thanks!
Jamie
Mom of Jason (6) & Jeffrey (4 1/2)
i apologize if it has already been discussed.
We have been unschooling our boys and working toward living a true RU
life, but lately I have been overwhelmed by guilt over how little I
know my oldest son. We have made great strides in our relationship
in the last few months -- he is again allowing me to hug him and
wants me to cuddle with him at bedtime and throughout the day -- but
it seems that as things become better and better, I realize how bad
they were before and then I swarmed with guilt over all that I have
missed with him. I wish I had paid more attention and enjoyed each
stage that he went through and I know that there is no way to go back
and do it again. I do love him dearly -- he is awesome -- so
charming, thoughtful, empathetic, smart, curious, and full of
energy.
Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
positively?
Thanks!
Jamie
Mom of Jason (6) & Jeffrey (4 1/2)
Robin Krest
I look at guilt this way:
You feel guilty because you made a decision (consciously or not) and are now not sure of that decision. Ask yourself- Can I change the decision? If no, then let go/bless and release/stop beating yourself up. If yes, then change your decision.
You cannot change what is past, all you can do is make a new decision to enjoy the present. Living with regrets prevents you from living fully and joyfully in the present.
You said things are getting better...that is what you can focus on.
Robin
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You feel guilty because you made a decision (consciously or not) and are now not sure of that decision. Ask yourself- Can I change the decision? If no, then let go/bless and release/stop beating yourself up. If yes, then change your decision.
You cannot change what is past, all you can do is make a new decision to enjoy the present. Living with regrets prevents you from living fully and joyfully in the present.
You said things are getting better...that is what you can focus on.
Robin
____________________________________________________________
Sweepstakes!!!
Enter for your chance to WIN one of hundreds of daily prizes.
http://thirdpartyoffers.juno.com/TGL2141/fc/JKFkuJi7UnmktgpJNZuSwlNxgZASE9ZhiovULlmPa1coA8Y611iYUv/
marji
At 09:45 6/27/2008, you wrote:
bad feelings about the past robs you and especially your kids of
happiness NOW. You cannot change what has happened in the
past. But, you *can* affect this moment now by not being present
now. And, when you dwell in the past (and worry about the future),
you cannot be present now. Now is where it's at!
Don't sabotage the present by lingering in the past.
Also, be grateful for the change that has brought you to where you
are now. Perhaps you could not have appreciated this new way without
having experienced the old way. Same with your sons; they may
appreciate the now-mom even more because they had a then-mom.
I hope that helps.
~Marji
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<http://joyfullyparenting.com/>JoyFully Parenting & Life Coaching
<http://gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf ~ Music for the Planet
<http://myspace.com/marjizintz>Marji's Myspace Page
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>Any ideas on how to move past it quickly andOnly this: Realize that every moment you spend feeling regret and
>positively?
bad feelings about the past robs you and especially your kids of
happiness NOW. You cannot change what has happened in the
past. But, you *can* affect this moment now by not being present
now. And, when you dwell in the past (and worry about the future),
you cannot be present now. Now is where it's at!
Don't sabotage the present by lingering in the past.
Also, be grateful for the change that has brought you to where you
are now. Perhaps you could not have appreciated this new way without
having experienced the old way. Same with your sons; they may
appreciate the now-mom even more because they had a then-mom.
I hope that helps.
~Marji
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<http://joyfullyparenting.com/>JoyFully Parenting & Life Coaching
<http://gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf ~ Music for the Planet
<http://myspace.com/marjizintz>Marji's Myspace Page
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.101 / Virus Database: 270.4.1/1522 - Release Date: 6/27/2008 8:27 AM
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
You could view those feelings as a natural affirmation of the path you are
now on and make your way toward not seeing them as an indication that
something is wrong. Guilt reveals strong wishes for a different way to
live, and also a pull back in the direction that what you know best.
Eventually the strength of guilt feelings will quieten a bit and that's when
you might revert to old habits. The memory that you experienced them
strongly, though, could motivate you to avoid heaping on more.
Keep building onto the things that are bright and good and sweet. There are
two sides to every coin. One of the best things I've ever read that helped
me is to realize that in real life there many degrees to each event in daily
life: Good, Bad, not so good, not so bad. As long as you do more in the
"good" and "not so bad" categories, you'll be moving toward better.
I wouldn't say there's an easy way to deal with guilt for unschooling sooner
but here's a great page of others who have dealt with it too and you're not
alone ... http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
~Katherine
now on and make your way toward not seeing them as an indication that
something is wrong. Guilt reveals strong wishes for a different way to
live, and also a pull back in the direction that what you know best.
Eventually the strength of guilt feelings will quieten a bit and that's when
you might revert to old habits. The memory that you experienced them
strongly, though, could motivate you to avoid heaping on more.
Keep building onto the things that are bright and good and sweet. There are
two sides to every coin. One of the best things I've ever read that helped
me is to realize that in real life there many degrees to each event in daily
life: Good, Bad, not so good, not so bad. As long as you do more in the
"good" and "not so bad" categories, you'll be moving toward better.
I wouldn't say there's an easy way to deal with guilt for unschooling sooner
but here's a great page of others who have dealt with it too and you're not
alone ... http://sandradodd.com/ifonly
~Katherine
On 6/27/08, jamieminnis <jamieminnis@...> wrote:
>
> I have searched the archives and can not find anything about this, so
> i apologize if it has already been discussed.
>
> We have been unschooling our boys and working toward living a true RU
> life, but lately I have been overwhelmed by guilt over how little I
> know my oldest son. We have made great strides in our relationship
> in the last few months -- he is again allowing me to hug him and
> wants me to cuddle with him at bedtime and throughout the day -- but
> it seems that as things become better and better, I realize how bad
> they were before and then I swarmed with guilt over all that I have
> missed with him. I wish I had paid more attention and enjoyed each
> stage that he went through and I know that there is no way to go back
> and do it again. I do love him dearly -- he is awesome -- so
> charming, thoughtful, empathetic, smart, curious, and full of
> energy.
>
> Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
> guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
> positively?
>
> Thanks!
> Jamie
> Mom of Jason (6) & Jeffrey (4 1/2)
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
On Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 6:45 AM, jamieminnis <jamieminnis@...> wrote:
in tomorrow, you're pi$$ing all over TODAY!"
I agree with Marji, if you are present in the NOW, you cannot be hung up on
your not-nows :)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings ofMy favorite Sandra Dodd quote: "If you've got one foot in yesterday and one
> guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
> positively?
>
>
>
in tomorrow, you're pi$$ing all over TODAY!"
I agree with Marji, if you are present in the NOW, you cannot be hung up on
your not-nows :)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa
Diana,
Thanks for sharing that quote! My husband is frequently consumed
by guilt because he has distanced himself from his emotional abusive
father. He feels he SHOULD love him and he does but he doesn't love
the behavior or the abuse or his father's denial of it therefore feels
guilty that he can't let it go and have a relationship. I keep
pointing out that he is asking for emotionally healthy normal behavior
from someone incapable because he is not an emotionally healthy normal
person. Consequently we spend way too much time (in my opinion)
with him feeling like a bad person because he can't repair this
relationship. I always feel like his dwelling on that damages the
relationship he is unable to have with his own children because of his
bad feelings/depression about his own childhood. I have begged him
frequently to commit to being happy in the place he is.. not fretting
over what wasn't , what can't be and what may never be.
We miss so much by dwelling on the past and not cherishing the present!
Lisa B
In [email protected], "diana jenner" <hahamommy@...>
wrote:
Thanks for sharing that quote! My husband is frequently consumed
by guilt because he has distanced himself from his emotional abusive
father. He feels he SHOULD love him and he does but he doesn't love
the behavior or the abuse or his father's denial of it therefore feels
guilty that he can't let it go and have a relationship. I keep
pointing out that he is asking for emotionally healthy normal behavior
from someone incapable because he is not an emotionally healthy normal
person. Consequently we spend way too much time (in my opinion)
with him feeling like a bad person because he can't repair this
relationship. I always feel like his dwelling on that damages the
relationship he is unable to have with his own children because of his
bad feelings/depression about his own childhood. I have begged him
frequently to commit to being happy in the place he is.. not fretting
over what wasn't , what can't be and what may never be.
We miss so much by dwelling on the past and not cherishing the present!
Lisa B
In [email protected], "diana jenner" <hahamommy@...>
wrote:
>and one
> On Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 6:45 AM, jamieminnis <jamieminnis@...> wrote:
>
> > Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
> > guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
> > positively?
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> My favorite Sandra Dodd quote: "If you've got one foot in yesterday
> in tomorrow, you're pi$$ing all over TODAY!"hung up on
> I agree with Marji, if you are present in the NOW, you cannot be
> your not-nows :)
> --
> ~diana :)
> xoxoxoxo
> hannahbearski.blogspot.com
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Jamie Minnis
Thank you for the support. I am amazed many, many times each day at the forgiveness of children. Life is getting better and better each day, each minute. Thanks again, everyone, for being such an amazing support network.
Jamie
----- Original Message ----
From: diana jenner <hahamommy@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2008 10:17:06 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Guilt over past behaviors/actions
Jamie
----- Original Message ----
From: diana jenner <hahamommy@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2008 10:17:06 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Guilt over past behaviors/actions
On Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 6:45 AM, jamieminnis <jamieminnis@ yahoo.com> wrote:
> Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
> guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
> positively?
>
>
>
My favorite Sandra Dodd quote: "If you've got one foot in yesterday and one
in tomorrow, you're pi$$ing all over TODAY!"
I agree with Marji, if you are present in the NOW, you cannot be hung up on
your not-nows :)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski. blogspot. com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: jamieminnis <jamieminnis@...>
We have been unschooling our boys and working toward living a true RU
life, but lately I have been overwhelmed by guilt over how little I
know my oldest son. We have made great strides in our relationship
in the last few months -- he is again allowing me to hug him and
wants me to cuddle with him at bedtime and throughout the day -- but
it seems that as things become better and better, I realize how bad
they were before and then I swarmed with guilt over all that I have
missed with him. I wish I had paid more attention and enjoyed each
stage that he went through and I know that there is no way to go back
and do it again. I do love him dearly -- he is awesome -- so
charming, thoughtful, empathetic, smart, curious, and full of
energy.
Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
positively?
-=-=-=-=-
"Guilty" is what a man says in court when his luck has run out. <g>
Banish those thoughts and move on. They do NO ONE any good.
Focus on what you have *now* and on what *more* you can do/be.
Understand that we only have so much time with our children and that we
don't get "do-overs." Not really. I mean, they can be sweet and
generous and give us more chances to get it right, but the best thing
we can do is to *not* repeat our mistakes---to learn that we *can* do
better and then be sure to *do* better.
Forget the guilt. BE the parent you want to be.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: jamieminnis <jamieminnis@...>
We have been unschooling our boys and working toward living a true RU
life, but lately I have been overwhelmed by guilt over how little I
know my oldest son. We have made great strides in our relationship
in the last few months -- he is again allowing me to hug him and
wants me to cuddle with him at bedtime and throughout the day -- but
it seems that as things become better and better, I realize how bad
they were before and then I swarmed with guilt over all that I have
missed with him. I wish I had paid more attention and enjoyed each
stage that he went through and I know that there is no way to go back
and do it again. I do love him dearly -- he is awesome -- so
charming, thoughtful, empathetic, smart, curious, and full of
energy.
Ok, this is dragging on. Has anyone dealt with these feelings of
guilt and regret? Any ideas on how to move past it quickly and
positively?
-=-=-=-=-
"Guilty" is what a man says in court when his luck has run out. <g>
Banish those thoughts and move on. They do NO ONE any good.
Focus on what you have *now* and on what *more* you can do/be.
Understand that we only have so much time with our children and that we
don't get "do-overs." Not really. I mean, they can be sweet and
generous and give us more chances to get it right, but the best thing
we can do is to *not* repeat our mistakes---to learn that we *can* do
better and then be sure to *do* better.
Forget the guilt. BE the parent you want to be.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org