Re: kids asking for things./reply from Colleen in GA
sandrewmama
Colleen and all,
Thank you for your insight and thoughts. You identified several issues that
I recognize to be pertinent to my own situation.
While my dh is not particularly sensitive or a perfectionist, I believe that
my brother is/was. My brother is one of the most brilliant persons I've
ever known. I find the power of his intellect staggering. As an adult and
parent, I've realized how this extreme intellect, paired with an incredible
compassion and sensitivity to others set him up to be made into minced meat
once my father was through with him. To this day, my amazingly brilliant
brother is socially paralyzed and lives a life of hermit-like seclusion.
He's managed to get to the point where he is able to live independently and
almost financially independent (on Medicare and a little bit of support from
my mom) after 14+ years of psychiatric support which is ongoing.
Over the years, my brother and my son have established a positive bond
between them and I know that my son recognizes the similarities they share.
While my son has not lived the emotionally destructive life my brother was
subjected to, I can't help but recognize some tendencies in him that my
brother has never been able to overcome. My son, fearing failure or
disappointing others, steers clear of certain challenges especially social
ones like meeting new people, physical ones like riding a bike or
intellectual ones like pursuing interests that require anything that he
perceives as "math". He's decided he's "not good at math" because when he's
attempted to figure out or understand new mathematical concepts (back in the
day of doing math curriculum) he'd give up if he couldn't do it right the
first time.
The list of things he does do well is long: He is a voracious reader
devouring complex novels in rapid succession, he has a phenomenal
vocabulary, his imagination for story-telling is vivid and captivating, he's
a very loyal friend and principled in how he interprets and interacts with
the world, family and friends. He is incredibly loving and tender with a
wonderful approach to befriending and encouraging the littlest tykes --
infants to preschoolers LOVE him! For the time that he played clarinet with
the school band he exhibited a remarkable musical talent, particularly
picking up on jazz saxophone playing in a very short time! He is a nurturing
brother to his 6 year-old sister. His close circle of friends seem to
appreciate his thoughtful quietness. Another loner friend appreciates that
he is accepting of her unwillingness to talk or join groups. She likes just
hanging out with him, playing video games and he doesn't bug her about why
she doesn't speak. He's curious about subjects like politics, history and
ethics. He wants to be an author and write fantasy novels.
But... (the big but) he is anxious of other's opinions of him to the point
that he avoids all competition. He will not participate in any activity
that might involve losing or making a mistake that he thinks would
disappoint others or himself. He says he wishes he understood mathematical
concepts and applications better but he makes no effort to do so. He's
nearly quit playing his clarinet completely. No band this year and he
refuses private lessons with the teacher who made him feel so happy and good
about playing the clarinet in the past. He compares his body and appearance
to his tall, athletic, early-developed, gregarious best friend (who also is
drifting towards full-time, accelerated schooling - destined for greatness
I'm sure) and feels short, pudgy, out of shape and unattractive.
I need help. I need help with ideas for gently and gradually helping him to
feel more confident in himself. I need ideas for ways to help him not worry
about what other's may think or be afraid of making mistakes. I need ideas
for useful phrases/affirmations to say or teach to him, activities to try
with him, books to read (I'm reading Valerie's The Unprocessed Child right
now.)
Thanks in advance.
Chris
on 10/2/04 4:07 PM, [email protected] at
[email protected] wrote:
Thank you for your insight and thoughts. You identified several issues that
I recognize to be pertinent to my own situation.
While my dh is not particularly sensitive or a perfectionist, I believe that
my brother is/was. My brother is one of the most brilliant persons I've
ever known. I find the power of his intellect staggering. As an adult and
parent, I've realized how this extreme intellect, paired with an incredible
compassion and sensitivity to others set him up to be made into minced meat
once my father was through with him. To this day, my amazingly brilliant
brother is socially paralyzed and lives a life of hermit-like seclusion.
He's managed to get to the point where he is able to live independently and
almost financially independent (on Medicare and a little bit of support from
my mom) after 14+ years of psychiatric support which is ongoing.
Over the years, my brother and my son have established a positive bond
between them and I know that my son recognizes the similarities they share.
While my son has not lived the emotionally destructive life my brother was
subjected to, I can't help but recognize some tendencies in him that my
brother has never been able to overcome. My son, fearing failure or
disappointing others, steers clear of certain challenges especially social
ones like meeting new people, physical ones like riding a bike or
intellectual ones like pursuing interests that require anything that he
perceives as "math". He's decided he's "not good at math" because when he's
attempted to figure out or understand new mathematical concepts (back in the
day of doing math curriculum) he'd give up if he couldn't do it right the
first time.
The list of things he does do well is long: He is a voracious reader
devouring complex novels in rapid succession, he has a phenomenal
vocabulary, his imagination for story-telling is vivid and captivating, he's
a very loyal friend and principled in how he interprets and interacts with
the world, family and friends. He is incredibly loving and tender with a
wonderful approach to befriending and encouraging the littlest tykes --
infants to preschoolers LOVE him! For the time that he played clarinet with
the school band he exhibited a remarkable musical talent, particularly
picking up on jazz saxophone playing in a very short time! He is a nurturing
brother to his 6 year-old sister. His close circle of friends seem to
appreciate his thoughtful quietness. Another loner friend appreciates that
he is accepting of her unwillingness to talk or join groups. She likes just
hanging out with him, playing video games and he doesn't bug her about why
she doesn't speak. He's curious about subjects like politics, history and
ethics. He wants to be an author and write fantasy novels.
But... (the big but) he is anxious of other's opinions of him to the point
that he avoids all competition. He will not participate in any activity
that might involve losing or making a mistake that he thinks would
disappoint others or himself. He says he wishes he understood mathematical
concepts and applications better but he makes no effort to do so. He's
nearly quit playing his clarinet completely. No band this year and he
refuses private lessons with the teacher who made him feel so happy and good
about playing the clarinet in the past. He compares his body and appearance
to his tall, athletic, early-developed, gregarious best friend (who also is
drifting towards full-time, accelerated schooling - destined for greatness
I'm sure) and feels short, pudgy, out of shape and unattractive.
I need help. I need help with ideas for gently and gradually helping him to
feel more confident in himself. I need ideas for ways to help him not worry
about what other's may think or be afraid of making mistakes. I need ideas
for useful phrases/affirmations to say or teach to him, activities to try
with him, books to read (I'm reading Valerie's The Unprocessed Child right
now.)
Thanks in advance.
Chris
on 10/2/04 4:07 PM, [email protected] at
[email protected] wrote:
> From: Colleen in GA <technomom4@...>
> Subject: kids asking for things./ reply from Colleen in GA
>
> Reference:
> I've done a fine job of teaching him what is wrong with him and now I
> need a
> way to undo as much of that as possible and show him what a beautiful,
> bright, talented, compassionate, and interesting fellow he is. Any
> ideas?
>
> Chris
> Dear Chris and all:
> I, not only had our youngest son to contend with.but a DH as well. Both these
> men are highly creative, intellegent and active BUT super sensitive to their
> feelings, place blame on everyone but themselves, and PERFECTIONISTS. (both
> these men are highly
> musical!) gentle creatures at best!
> I always felt like I was walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong
> things and hurting their feelings. I was raised to be independent, "damn the
> torpedo attitude " and go for it, quite the opposite from these family
> members. I could not understand their "meekness". THey saw anger as being
> "bad", I saw it as a normal human response to an undesierable situation.
> I did find a book called "Perfectionism and Gifted Children" by Rosemary
> Callard-Szulgit and bought it, because
> a) I am a reader mom
> b) I was getting desperate because I was the "bad guy " all the time! (not
> whining just stating the facts!)
> I gently placed the book on my husband's pillow one night and asked him to
> just read the "checklist" for perfectionistic traits. At first he refused
> because of pride(he wasn't doing anything "wrong") it was just how he sees the
> world.
> Anyway he read the short book (not diagnostic language) and confirmed that
> "maybe" he would ease up on himself (and the rest of us!)
> It is a very difficult line to draw between living up to our potential."doing
> your best", and knowing when to ease up on yourself>
> I really think folks with perfectionistic traits NEVER think their efftorts
> are satisfactory for their own "imaginary" standards that they arbitrarally
> set. They may have low self esteem and think that the way anyone is going to
> like them is be people pleasers,while never pleasing themselves. It can be a
> very frustrating time dealing with this situation.
> S ince all of us parents come from different famiily upbriingings, we all have
> "imprints" on the way our parents interacted with us; we probably tend to
> raise our kids as we were raisedWITH IMPROVEMENTS!
> One thing that I resolved to do is not take it as a personal attack, try to
> see the situation through their eyes, be affrimative but GENTLY coach them to
> ease up on themselves and not be so demanding.
> I hope this is not a melodrama family -bashingepisode,,,,,Since life on earth
> is nothing but relationships and those that we live with on a daily basis mean
> more to us than anything, we always strive towards peaceful relations with
> those we love the most! Take care Colleen in GA
Steve & Tracy Schad
Chris,
Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. I just purchased
it to better understand my daughter. I haven't started it yet, but based
upon your information below, you might want to check it out.
Best wishes,
Tracy
Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. I just purchased
it to better understand my daughter. I haven't started it yet, but based
upon your information below, you might want to check it out.
Best wishes,
Tracy
On 10/4/04 3:30 PM, "sandrewmama" <sandrewmama@...> wrote:
>
> Colleen and all,
>
> Thank you for your insight and thoughts. You identified several issues that
> I recognize to be pertinent to my own situation.
>
> While my dh is not particularly sensitive or a perfectionist, I believe that
> my brother is/was. My brother is one of the most brilliant persons I've
> ever known. I find the power of his intellect staggering. As an adult and
> parent, I've realized how this extreme intellect, paired with an incredible
> compassion and sensitivity to others set him up to be made into minced meat
> once my father was through with him. To this day, my amazingly brilliant
> brother is socially paralyzed and lives a life of hermit-like seclusion.
> He's managed to get to the point where he is able to live independently and
> almost financially independent (on Medicare and a little bit of support from
> my mom) after 14+ years of psychiatric support which is ongoing.
>
> Over the years, my brother and my son have established a positive bond
> between them and I know that my son recognizes the similarities they share.
> While my son has not lived the emotionally destructive life my brother was
> subjected to, I can't help but recognize some tendencies in him that my
> brother has never been able to overcome. My son, fearing failure or
> disappointing others, steers clear of certain challenges especially social
> ones like meeting new people, physical ones like riding a bike or
> intellectual ones like pursuing interests that require anything that he
> perceives as "math". He's decided he's "not good at math" because when he's
> attempted to figure out or understand new mathematical concepts (back in the
> day of doing math curriculum) he'd give up if he couldn't do it right the
> first time.
>
> The list of things he does do well is long: He is a voracious reader
> devouring complex novels in rapid succession, he has a phenomenal
> vocabulary, his imagination for story-telling is vivid and captivating, he's
> a very loyal friend and principled in how he interprets and interacts with
> the world, family and friends. He is incredibly loving and tender with a
> wonderful approach to befriending and encouraging the littlest tykes --
> infants to preschoolers LOVE him! For the time that he played clarinet with
> the school band he exhibited a remarkable musical talent, particularly
> picking up on jazz saxophone playing in a very short time! He is a nurturing
> brother to his 6 year-old sister. His close circle of friends seem to
> appreciate his thoughtful quietness. Another loner friend appreciates that
> he is accepting of her unwillingness to talk or join groups. She likes just
> hanging out with him, playing video games and he doesn't bug her about why
> she doesn't speak. He's curious about subjects like politics, history and
> ethics. He wants to be an author and write fantasy novels.
>
> But... (the big but) he is anxious of other's opinions of him to the point
> that he avoids all competition. He will not participate in any activity
> that might involve losing or making a mistake that he thinks would
> disappoint others or himself. He says he wishes he understood mathematical
> concepts and applications better but he makes no effort to do so. He's
> nearly quit playing his clarinet completely. No band this year and he
> refuses private lessons with the teacher who made him feel so happy and good
> about playing the clarinet in the past. He compares his body and appearance
> to his tall, athletic, early-developed, gregarious best friend (who also is
> drifting towards full-time, accelerated schooling - destined for greatness
> I'm sure) and feels short, pudgy, out of shape and unattractive.
>
> I need help. I need help with ideas for gently and gradually helping him to
> feel more confident in himself. I need ideas for ways to help him not worry
> about what other's may think or be afraid of making mistakes. I need ideas
> for useful phrases/affirmations to say or teach to him, activities to try
> with him, books to read (I'm reading Valerie's The Unprocessed Child right
> now.)
>
> Thanks in advance.
>
> Chris
> on 10/2/04 4:07 PM, [email protected] at
> [email protected] wrote:
>
>> From: Colleen in GA <technomom4@...>
>> Subject: kids asking for things./ reply from Colleen in GA
>>
>> Reference:
>> I've done a fine job of teaching him what is wrong with him and now I
>> need a
>> way to undo as much of that as possible and show him what a beautiful,
>> bright, talented, compassionate, and interesting fellow he is. Any
>> ideas?
>>
>> Chris
>> Dear Chris and all:
>> I, not only had our youngest son to contend with.but a DH as well. Both these
>> men are highly creative, intellegent and active BUT super sensitive to their
>> feelings, place blame on everyone but themselves, and PERFECTIONISTS. (both
>> these men are highly
>> musical!) gentle creatures at best!
>> I always felt like I was walking on eggshells for fear of saying the wrong
>> things and hurting their feelings. I was raised to be independent, "damn the
>> torpedo attitude " and go for it, quite the opposite from these family
>> members. I could not understand their "meekness". THey saw anger as being
>> "bad", I saw it as a normal human response to an undesierable situation.
>> I did find a book called "Perfectionism and Gifted Children" by Rosemary
>> Callard-Szulgit and bought it, because
>> a) I am a reader mom
>> b) I was getting desperate because I was the "bad guy " all the time! (not
>> whining just stating the facts!)
>> I gently placed the book on my husband's pillow one night and asked him to
>> just read the "checklist" for perfectionistic traits. At first he refused
>> because of pride(he wasn't doing anything "wrong") it was just how he sees
>> the
>> world.
>> Anyway he read the short book (not diagnostic language) and confirmed that
>> "maybe" he would ease up on himself (and the rest of us!)
>> It is a very difficult line to draw between living up to our potential."doing
>> your best", and knowing when to ease up on yourself>
>> I really think folks with perfectionistic traits NEVER think their efftorts
>> are satisfactory for their own "imaginary" standards that they arbitrarally
>> set. They may have low self esteem and think that the way anyone is going to
>> like them is be people pleasers,while never pleasing themselves. It can be a
>> very frustrating time dealing with this situation.
>> S ince all of us parents come from different famiily upbriingings, we all
>> have
>> "imprints" on the way our parents interacted with us; we probably tend to
>> raise our kids as we were raisedWITH IMPROVEMENTS!
>> One thing that I resolved to do is not take it as a personal attack, try to
>> see the situation through their eyes, be affrimative but GENTLY coach them to
>> ease up on themselves and not be so demanding.
>> I hope this is not a melodrama family -bashingepisode,,,,,Since life on earth
>> is nothing but relationships and those that we live with on a daily basis
>> mean
>> more to us than anything, we always strive towards peaceful relations with
>> those we love the most! Take care Colleen in GA
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
sandrewmama
Thanks Tracy! I'll check it out.
Chris
--- In [email protected], Steve & Tracy Schad <
schadfamily@V...> wrote:
Chris
--- In [email protected], Steve & Tracy Schad <
schadfamily@V...> wrote:
>purchased
> Chris,
>
> Have you read "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. I just
> it to better understand my daughter. I haven't started it yet, butbased
> upon your information below, you might want to check it out.
>
> Best wishes,
> Tracy
Robyn Coburn
<<<<I need help. I need help with ideas for gently and gradually helping
him to
feel more confident in himself. I need ideas for ways to help him not worry
about what other's may think or be afraid of making mistakes. I need ideas
for useful phrases/affirmations to say or teach to him, activities to try
with him, books to read (I'm reading Valerie's The Unprocessed Child right
now.)>>>>
How old is your son? Sorry if I missed that information in a prior post.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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him to
feel more confident in himself. I need ideas for ways to help him not worry
about what other's may think or be afraid of making mistakes. I need ideas
for useful phrases/affirmations to say or teach to him, activities to try
with him, books to read (I'm reading Valerie's The Unprocessed Child right
now.)>>>>
How old is your son? Sorry if I missed that information in a prior post.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.771 / Virus Database: 518 - Release Date: 9/28/2004
sandrewmama
Robyn,
He's 13-1/2 which is why I must sound so frantic. I feel like I have
so little time left before he's out on his own.
Thanks!
Chris
--- In [email protected], "Robyn Coburn" <
dezigna@c...>
He's 13-1/2 which is why I must sound so frantic. I feel like I have
so little time left before he's out on his own.
Thanks!
Chris
--- In [email protected], "Robyn Coburn" <
dezigna@c...>
>post.
> How old is your son? Sorry if I missed that information in a prior
>
> Robyn L. Coburn
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/5/2004 4:59:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
sandrewmama@... writes:
He's 13-1/2 which is why I must sound so frantic. I feel like I have
so little time left before he's out on his own.<<<<
Time flies, but each moment can last a long time. <g>
Thirteen is still young. At 13, Cameron was still in his weird deschooling
vegetative state. It wasn't until he was 14 that things really started to
happen. Fifteen (and with a car!) was a whirlwind----and now at 16, he's SO
thoughtful and capable and sure of himself----and we can't keep up with him at all.
Most children (and especially schooled children) seem to struggle a bit from
12-14. I think the unschooled ones come out more 'whole'.
At 13.5, you have a LOT of time....and no time at all! <G> But I'd
concentrate more on the 'a lot of time'. <g>
What passions does he have?
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sandrewmama@... writes:
He's 13-1/2 which is why I must sound so frantic. I feel like I have
so little time left before he's out on his own.<<<<
Time flies, but each moment can last a long time. <g>
Thirteen is still young. At 13, Cameron was still in his weird deschooling
vegetative state. It wasn't until he was 14 that things really started to
happen. Fifteen (and with a car!) was a whirlwind----and now at 16, he's SO
thoughtful and capable and sure of himself----and we can't keep up with him at all.
Most children (and especially schooled children) seem to struggle a bit from
12-14. I think the unschooled ones come out more 'whole'.
At 13.5, you have a LOT of time....and no time at all! <G> But I'd
concentrate more on the 'a lot of time'. <g>
What passions does he have?
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathe Ande
I was a super sensitive kid (and adult too), intelligent but hardly brilliant.. ;) And I have a lot of problems that I finally realize I can work through on my own, and of course it helps that I'm a woman (don't mean it to be sexist but women often figure out social/relationship things easier than most men do).
A book has been of particular help: "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn. It's a real eye opener about not only material rewards but also praise, affirmations and so forth. Great for understanding how to lessen the potentially devasting and seldom intended impact they can have especially on sensitive people.
Kathe
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
A book has been of particular help: "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn. It's a real eye opener about not only material rewards but also praise, affirmations and so forth. Great for understanding how to lessen the potentially devasting and seldom intended impact they can have especially on sensitive people.
Kathe
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]