Re: [unschoolingbasics] Non violent communication
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/2004 6:19:35 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
I have read the book already, I found it to be intriguing in theory but
clumsy and awkward feeling in practice. Perhaps it was just my need to use
it more to get more comfortable with it. I just felt very artificial saying
some of the things the way it was suggested.
Perhaps I will give it another look,
.......
I know what you mean. I'd signed onto the NVC list to hopefully learn more
about it and how to implement it NATURALLY. I had to sign off the list w/i a
month because the stilted language they use in the posts felt to me like nails
on a blackboard!
I do understand what Rosenberg is saying however, and think you can really
use the communication ideas he sets forth, WITHOUT actually having to 'speak'
like that (example, When you told me xxx, it met my need for xxxx and made me
feel xxxx). ARGH...drove me nuts...sounds so robotic or something.
Just take the ideas and use them naturally...they work! There are some great
little pamphlets available on the NVC website that I get a lot out of, too.
Parenting From Your Heart - Sharing the gifts of compassion, connection, and
choice is one.
~~Denise
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
I have read the book already, I found it to be intriguing in theory but
clumsy and awkward feeling in practice. Perhaps it was just my need to use
it more to get more comfortable with it. I just felt very artificial saying
some of the things the way it was suggested.
Perhaps I will give it another look,
.......
I know what you mean. I'd signed onto the NVC list to hopefully learn more
about it and how to implement it NATURALLY. I had to sign off the list w/i a
month because the stilted language they use in the posts felt to me like nails
on a blackboard!
I do understand what Rosenberg is saying however, and think you can really
use the communication ideas he sets forth, WITHOUT actually having to 'speak'
like that (example, When you told me xxx, it met my need for xxxx and made me
feel xxxx). ARGH...drove me nuts...sounds so robotic or something.
Just take the ideas and use them naturally...they work! There are some great
little pamphlets available on the NVC website that I get a lot out of, too.
Parenting From Your Heart - Sharing the gifts of compassion, connection, and
choice is one.
~~Denise
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jen Wiley-Cordone
Hi all,
I agree with the frustration with the stilted language, but you can
still apply the concepts without all the fanfare.. An example:
Prior to NVC:
"Bethan! You left the caps off your markers! If you don't take care of
your things, you'll ruin them <and blah de blah de blah, lecture
ensues.> Help me pick them up!"
NVC model: "Bethan, when I see the caps of the markers, I feel concerned
because I value taking care of the things we have and I don't want to
waste resourses by spending money replacing them. I'd rather buy
something fun that we don't already have. I need you to help me pick
them up."
Real Life: "Bethan. I see that there are no caps on your markers."
<pause, where Bethan might say "Oh, I don't want them to dry out," and
starts putting caps on>. If she doesn't, I say "I don't want them to dry
out." and start to put them on myself. On a good day, this will be
followed up with "Red marker, red marker where you? Where are you? I am
holding your cap, I am holding your cap, its red too, its red too."
This, to the tune of Brother John where we make a game of matching the
marker cap to the marker color.
The import thing is stating the observation rather than making blaming
statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.
Jen
I agree with the frustration with the stilted language, but you can
still apply the concepts without all the fanfare.. An example:
Prior to NVC:
"Bethan! You left the caps off your markers! If you don't take care of
your things, you'll ruin them <and blah de blah de blah, lecture
ensues.> Help me pick them up!"
NVC model: "Bethan, when I see the caps of the markers, I feel concerned
because I value taking care of the things we have and I don't want to
waste resourses by spending money replacing them. I'd rather buy
something fun that we don't already have. I need you to help me pick
them up."
Real Life: "Bethan. I see that there are no caps on your markers."
<pause, where Bethan might say "Oh, I don't want them to dry out," and
starts putting caps on>. If she doesn't, I say "I don't want them to dry
out." and start to put them on myself. On a good day, this will be
followed up with "Red marker, red marker where you? Where are you? I am
holding your cap, I am holding your cap, its red too, its red too."
This, to the tune of Brother John where we make a game of matching the
marker cap to the marker color.
The import thing is stating the observation rather than making blaming
statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.
Jen
>
>
Angela S
* I agree with the frustration with the stilted language, but you can
still apply the concepts without all the fanfare..
I liked your example Jen. I do something very similar. Even though I
didn't like the NVC communication style, I still learned a lot from the book
and have made positive changes in how I communicate with my children.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
still apply the concepts without all the fanfare..
I liked your example Jen. I do something very similar. Even though I
didn't like the NVC communication style, I still learned a lot from the book
and have made positive changes in how I communicate with my children.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Danielle Conger
The import thing is stating the observation rather than making blaming
statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.
Jen
=====
I do a lot of the "I'm concerned about..." kind of statements in trying
to own my fears instead of foisting them on my kids. I don't think it
comes across as stilted (maybe others would! *g*) but more like doing
math outloud--showing my reasoning process.
It drives me nutso when dh says, "Stop doing that; you're going to get
hurt!" Well, truth is they probably won't get hurt. Truth is, we're
worried that they might get hurt. So, I will say, "I'm worried you're
going to fall off" or something of the sort.
I find these kinds of statements useful, particularly with young
children, because it builds my reasoning right into the comment and
eliminates the typical "Why?" response. The kids may still have
questions, but they know why I'm asking them to do something and can
judge for themselves the rationality of the request.
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.
Jen
=====
I do a lot of the "I'm concerned about..." kind of statements in trying
to own my fears instead of foisting them on my kids. I don't think it
comes across as stilted (maybe others would! *g*) but more like doing
math outloud--showing my reasoning process.
It drives me nutso when dh says, "Stop doing that; you're going to get
hurt!" Well, truth is they probably won't get hurt. Truth is, we're
worried that they might get hurt. So, I will say, "I'm worried you're
going to fall off" or something of the sort.
I find these kinds of statements useful, particularly with young
children, because it builds my reasoning right into the comment and
eliminates the typical "Why?" response. The kids may still have
questions, but they know why I'm asking them to do something and can
judge for themselves the rationality of the request.
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
>
Angela S
It drives me nutso when dh says, "Stop doing that; you're going to get
hurt!"
-------------------
You and me too, sista! My dh is famous for that line. My kids are
naturally kind of timid anyway and I don't want them to be worry warts like
dh's side of the family. They worry obsessively, imo, and don't enjoy life
to the fullest because of all the what-ifs. I try to counter it as best I
can, but I'm sure it has made an impact on them. Maybe it'll just be the
kind of impact where they say to themselves, "I'll never say that to *my*
kids when I grow up!"
Angela ~ Maine.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
hurt!"
-------------------
You and me too, sista! My dh is famous for that line. My kids are
naturally kind of timid anyway and I don't want them to be worry warts like
dh's side of the family. They worry obsessively, imo, and don't enjoy life
to the fullest because of all the what-ifs. I try to counter it as best I
can, but I'm sure it has made an impact on them. Maybe it'll just be the
kind of impact where they say to themselves, "I'll never say that to *my*
kids when I grow up!"
Angela ~ Maine.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On Oct 2, 2004, at 4:57 AM, Jen Wiley-Cordone wrote:
have the same goals - having fun with the markers, now and in the
future? And the adult has slightly better ability to predict the future
so helps the kid out by sticking lids back on markers?
Most likely I'd say, "I'm sticking the lids back on as you use them.
Otherwise they'll dry out and they won't work next time you want them."
I still say, "I'm hanging up your wet towel so it'll be dry next time
you want it." To my 19 year old <G>.
So - maybe my "method" didn't work since I'm still saying it <G>. But,
truth is, she'll say to ME, "Mom, I'm taking your plate to the kitchen
so the dog doesn't get your sandwich." Helping each other out. That's
the principle. (And she keeps the lids on her markers, by the way, and
on all her art supplies - and she has a LOT of them, used frequently.
She's figured out that they last better, that way.)
-pam
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> Real Life: "Bethan. I see that there are no caps on your markers."Or how about just see that situation as one where you AND the kid both
> <pause, where Bethan might say "Oh, I don't want them to dry out," and
> starts putting caps on>. If she doesn't, I say "I don't want them to
> dry
> out." and start to put them on myself. On a good day, this will be
> followed up with "Red marker, red marker where you? Where are you? I am
> holding your cap, I am holding your cap, its red too, its red too."
> This, to the tune of Brother John where we make a game of matching the
> marker cap to the marker color.
have the same goals - having fun with the markers, now and in the
future? And the adult has slightly better ability to predict the future
so helps the kid out by sticking lids back on markers?
Most likely I'd say, "I'm sticking the lids back on as you use them.
Otherwise they'll dry out and they won't work next time you want them."
I still say, "I'm hanging up your wet towel so it'll be dry next time
you want it." To my 19 year old <G>.
So - maybe my "method" didn't work since I'm still saying it <G>. But,
truth is, she'll say to ME, "Mom, I'm taking your plate to the kitchen
so the dog doesn't get your sandwich." Helping each other out. That's
the principle. (And she keeps the lids on her markers, by the way, and
on all her art supplies - and she has a LOT of them, used frequently.
She's figured out that they last better, that way.)
-pam
>National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Robyn Coburn
<<<<The import thing is stating the observation rather than making blaming
statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.>>>>
I find this extremely helpful. It's clear to me that I'm not "doing it
right" with dh, because he immediately gets irate when I try it. Perhaps he
sees it as my attempt to manipulate him (not altogether without
justification).
These real life examples are much clearer than the blueprint type language
on the website.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
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statements "you left the caps of your markers." It's still NVC, it's
just abbreviated.>>>>
I find this extremely helpful. It's clear to me that I'm not "doing it
right" with dh, because he immediately gets irate when I try it. Perhaps he
sees it as my attempt to manipulate him (not altogether without
justification).
These real life examples are much clearer than the blueprint type language
on the website.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.771 / Virus Database: 518 - Release Date: 9/28/2004
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/3/2004 6:20:43 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
dezigna@... writes:
I find this extremely helpful. It's clear to me that I'm not "doing it
right" with dh, because he immediately gets irate when I try it. Perhaps he
sees it as my attempt to manipulate him (not altogether without
justification).<<<
Yeah----I remember my mother's efforts. It was as if she'd just finished a
psychology class on behavior modification. I didn't appreciate my position of
lab rat---like I was living in a Skinner box.
It didn't work.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dezigna@... writes:
I find this extremely helpful. It's clear to me that I'm not "doing it
right" with dh, because he immediately gets irate when I try it. Perhaps he
sees it as my attempt to manipulate him (not altogether without
justification).<<<
Yeah----I remember my mother's efforts. It was as if she'd just finished a
psychology class on behavior modification. I didn't appreciate my position of
lab rat---like I was living in a Skinner box.
It didn't work.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]