sandrewmama

Colleen and all,

I don't have any help for you but have a similar concern. I've been trying
to figure out how to pose this question to this list for some time now. My
13 yo is clever and kind and gentle and loving and principled and extremely
sensitive to other's criticisms, real or perceived. Unfortunately, I didn't
stop trying to fix him until very recently and so he has 13+ years of built
up something, I don't know what to call it. So often he is timid about
asserting his wishes, afraid to try new activities, afraid of being judged,
incredibly self-effacing, moody (which I suspect is partly due to his age)
and is struggling to find what his passions are.

I was raised in a dysfunctional household where I learned to keep a low
profile and stay off my father's radar screen as much as possible. Although
I don't have vivid memories, I know that every time I opened my mouth I was
setting myself up to be fixed -- grammar corrected, concept explained,
opinion belittled, etiquette corrected. I know this because I recognize
these tendencies in myself as a parent and I can just feel it coming from
that "innate" what-I-learned-from-my-parents place inside of me. Over the
years I've become more aware of these tendencies, identified them as they're
about to appear and suppressed or released them but not, I'm afraid, before
causing damage to my dear son.

We'd gone along doing what I thought was unschooling for many years. Last
year I was frustrated by the lack of self-direction he exhibited so I
decided to take back control. I started giving him daily assignments while
at the same time imploring him to tell me what his interests were. I
assured him that as soon as he found a topic of interest we would let that
lead his "school work."

Then, in January he got sick. For six weeks he went undiagnosed despite
five trips to the doctor's office. His illness derailed, thank goodness,
all the structure that I'd imposed. He was ill for several months. There
were aspects to his illness that were very disconcerting and confusing for
him and his father and I. There was a strong psycho-somatic aspect to the
lingering symptoms but it was very difficult for any of us, especially my
son, to understand when his symptoms were psycho-somatic and when they were
genuinely caused by disease. The symptoms were so severe that they
interfered with every aspect of his daily life. Although he was't in pain,
he was bedridden or homeridden most of 6 months. He became so confused, as
did I, and didn't trust himself to know up from down. He quit playing his
musical instrument, something he'd loved and had particpated in our school's
band, jazz band and received recognition for his talent.

As you can tell, I'm still processing all that happened last winter and
spring. He didn't completely recover until June. He's barely touched his
instrument again. He does not wish to return to playing with the school
band, which I totally understand (being the only homeschooler amongst 70+
middle-school kids -- rough!) nor does he want to restart his private
lessons. He is a voracious reader -- mostly of the medeival fantasy and
historical fiction genres. He is also very into RPG Video Games.

But, for whatever myriad of reasons he seems to have a low self-esteem, is
anxious to the point of frequent tears around those who he perceives as
passing judgement on him (ie. grandparents who don't understand our
homeschooling/lifestyle/politics/lack of religion, clarinet teacher,
friends' parents) and is not willing to take chances putting himself in
situations where he might experience this anxiety -- like any kinds of
classes, contests, competition or even hanging out with his cousins.

I've done a fine job of teaching him what is wrong with him and now I need a
way to undo as much of that as possible and show him what a beautiful,
bright, talented, compassionate, and interesting fellow he is. Any ideas?

Chris

on 9/30/04 5:37 AM, technomom4 wrote:

> Hey Dear Readers:
> for those of you that attended the recent Live and Learn Conf, I am referring
> to Kelly Lovejoy's article in our attendee's binder entitled: "The Three
> Stages of Unschooling" Stage 1. To reference my thoughts, here is part of
> Kelly's writing:
>
> "Two of my passions as a child were dogs and horses. Dogs and horses are NOT
> taught in any grade, Middle or HIgh School *!* know of. But I wanted to learn
> everything I could about them. My parents gave me dogs and horses. They bought
> me books and paid for me to take riding lessons and dog obedience classes,
> They paid for dog and horse shows and equipment.........."
>
> Now Kelly, as a child, was "bold" (bold may not be the proper nference here!)
> enough to ask, mention or suggest to her parents , her interests. and they
> responded. But what if you have a child ( maybe a really shy one in the
> family) who may not want to "bother " his parents with his needs (maybe
> really feel not worthy to deserve them) or just afraid to ask, for feeling
> that he may be rejected,,,,,, Some kids are truly gifted to be frugal and may
> not see the need or feel the need to buy things for just themselves. They may
> be thinking that spending the money on themselves is/would be a waste of
> money.
> How do you go about telling a child that it is OK to think about their
> personal wants as not being selfish, self-centered or such.? And let the child
> to gradually see that their wants are important too!
> Colleen in GA
> PS maybe Kelly was raised as an only child !!
>
>