Lisa

Has anyone else had the experience of suddenly realizing that when
people challenge what you do (unschooling) or your style of parenting
that you no longer feel compelled to explain, justify etc???

Before I was constantly trying to explain to others , win others over
to my side etc regarding our lifestyle... now I am wondering if I have
evolved into this "higher" place of understanding or respect for their
need to find out on their own. Of course it just could be that I
don't give a damn what anyone thinks anymore? HA!

I always hated the discussions that I got into with people who said
"well that works for your kids but it won't work for MY kids" or
those that said "if I gave my kid access to junk food all day they
would eat junk food all day every day and never stop EVER!" and well
you have all heard those speeches!

Anyway I feel more peaceful that what I am doing for my family is
right for my family...it may not look like other families or even
other unschooling families but my kids are happy and healthy and
growing up into amazing people.

Thanks for listening!
Lisa Blocker

Pamela Sorooshian

On Jun 2, 2008, at 5:40 AM, Lisa wrote:

> Has anyone else had the experience of suddenly realizing that when
> people challenge what you do (unschooling) or your style of parenting
> that you no longer feel compelled to explain, justify etc???

I don't. I have no defensiveness about it at all, anymore.

People seldom challenge me - kind of ridiculous at this point with my
kids almost all grown up. But when negative comments are made about
unschooling or unparenting or even just homeschooling, I am very
likely to ignore them and, truly, hardly give them a passing thought.

Recall the coach's daughter in "Remember the Titans?" I'm her --- "I
JUUUUSSSTTT DOOOOON'T CAAAARE."

If you haven't seen it - it's a really good whole-family movie.

When people ask for ideas, help, information, advice, etc., I'm there
for them. But I'm not defending our choices anymore.

That compulsion to explain or justify or defend really comes out of
our own feelings of insecurity; we act as if more people believing in
something will make it more likely to be true and right.

-pam

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Cameron Parham

Pam said "That compulsion to explain or justify or defend really comes out of
our own feelings of insecurity; we act as if more people believing in
something will make it more likely to be true and right."                                                           I  realize that this doesn't need an answer really, but I loved this so much I'd just like to say so!  I also think that I used to unconsciously seek 'permission' from people to live my own choices!  It never works, of course.  I love to share with those open to unschooling but with others its as you say...so what!  Cameron

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jolene

I'm sort of in the middle now: I don't care what other people choose
(well, I do care if I see them hitting or yelling at their kids), but
I don't want them attacking me, either. That's when I feel
defensive. But it's also helped me to go deeper in unschooling to
the point where I read more, think more on why I believe what I
believe, and then feel more confident of my choice. I don't argue
back much, but I go over their questions and comments in my head
until I find what answer I would give them, if I did. I have also
gotten to a point where I'm not afraid to talk to anyone about my
beliefs. It makes me feel more authentic to let people know where I
stand. If I sense that they are not interested, are getting
defensive or are starting to attack me, then I just bow out, because
I haven't seen where arguing does any good -- too stressful for me,
and does not convince anyone of my way.

I hope to get to the point where I'm confident all around and not
concerned about what others think. However, I really appreciate this
journey!

Jolene =)

--- In [email protected], "Lisa" <jlblock01@...>
wrote:
>
> Has anyone else had the experience of suddenly realizing that when
> people challenge what you do (unschooling) or your style of
parenting
> that you no longer feel compelled to explain, justify etc???
>
> Before I was constantly trying to explain to others , win others
over
> to my side etc regarding our lifestyle... now I am wondering if I
have
> evolved into this "higher" place of understanding or respect for
their
> need to find out on their own. Of course it just could be that I
> don't give a damn what anyone thinks anymore? HA!
>
> I always hated the discussions that I got into with people who said
> "well that works for your kids but it won't work for MY kids" or
> those that said "if I gave my kid access to junk food all day they
> would eat junk food all day every day and never stop EVER!" and
well
> you have all heard those speeches!
>
> Anyway I feel more peaceful that what I am doing for my family is
> right for my family...it may not look like other families or even
> other unschooling families but my kids are happy and healthy and
> growing up into amazing people.
>
> Thanks for listening!
> Lisa Blocker
>

black eagle

Dear all,
Last evening my DH brought home a night lamp and it was wrapped up in
a newspaper. he came home and tried to lure DS abt the suprised in the
packet. DS ran behind him and DH kept running away...to an extent that
he cried. DH kept laughing....finally giving in to the tantrum...he
showed the lamp and a the tantrum subsided. This is a very recurring
play pattern than my DH take up. AND I AM JUST NOT OKAY WITH IT! I am
also not able to reason it out to him...pls help, maybe one of u could
be able to express better than me as to how this tease-play pattern is
not healthy.

Wendy McDonald

It sounds like your dh needs to do some growing. Though it may not be
right, a lot of adults feel that it's "their turn" to do all the
things that adults did to them. It takes a lot of strength to be
willing to give that up, and the parent that is not doing all the
reading and research is going to have a harder time of it.

When my dh does something like this, something that many grown-ups
feel is "funny" to do with a child, I tend to discuss it with him in
an adult-to-adult example. "What would happen if your boss did that
to you with promotion paperwork?" or "What would happen if you did
that to a store clerk with the money for a purchase?" or simply,
"What would happen if you did that to another adult?"

Once I have his answer (which usually involves a negative consequence
for the trickster), I point out that if it's not okay to do to an
adult, then it's not okay to do to a child. Then I remind him that if
he is not going to respect ds, then he will have to go through me,
because until he can respect ds, I *will* protect ds. I point out
that ds already knows that his dad's behavior isn't right, and I will
support ds.

It may take longer, and he may need many reminders or discussions like
the one above, but eventually, dh will start to follow your lead and
come around. Mine finally is!

Wendy in MA

Ryan

> Has anyone else had the experience of suddenly realizing that when
> people challenge what you do (unschooling) or your style of
> parenting
> that you no longer feel compelled to explain, justify etc???

Been there. We were there a lot when our son was born, even before
the unschooling. Everything we did, compared to both our families,
was "weird" and had to be constantly defended. We didn't circumcise,
didn't vax. Breastfeeding alone sent our respective families into
fits. They just couldn't get it. The fact that our son was still
breastfeeding at 4 was way too much for them to understand! We all
slept together in a family bed. We just didn't do anything the
way "normal" people did. So the negative feedback from everyone
around us was constant, relentless, and really quite annoying. When
we would go over to my wife's family with our nine month old son and
spend a few minutes showing them the signs the boy made and
recognized so they could "talk" to them, they looked at us as if we
were crazy - until he started signing at them!

I'm not good at listening to people comment on my decisions. I have
a tendency to tell people where to stuff it, but I was trying to be
more gentle with my family and my wife's family. I tried to explain
everytime someone would ask about one or another of our decisions.
But it quickly became apparent that the person asking the question
(Why do you breastfeed?) wasn't really interested in hearing our
response or in learning something new, they just wanted to get the
conversation started so they could attack with their pre-
arranged "brilliant" comeback (You know, that will cause him to end
up gay.) Ok, so I don't have the most progressive family in the
world.

But, given that we were surrounded by people who disagreed with so
many of our choices, and who had such poor manners that they didn't
know that constantly poking us on it was rude, we had to spend a lot
of time being defensive. In a case, for example, where you're still
nursing a three year old, it isn't enough simply to not care what
everyone thinks - you have to go on the offense as well. My three
year old son could understand when people made negative remarks about
us, our decisions, our practices, etc and my wife and I would just
now allow it. I was not about to have someone make my son self-
conscious about the fact that he nursed, so snarky comments when my
children were present would result in an immediate rebuke from me
(with my family) or my wife (with hers).

Anyway, long story short, eventually they all got over their
squeamishness when they saw that 1) our kids refused to succumb to
all of the horrible things they were sure would happen because of our
choices and 2) either my wife or I would tell them where to stuff it!

So now (eight years and three kids later) nobody says much and we
don't have to spend so much mental energy feeling defensive and
planning how we'll handle it when nutty Uncle X says something
offensive at Thanksgiving dinner. Although, when our son was born
three weeks ago, I could feel them wanting to say something about the
fact that we did a lotus birth!

Jennifer Creech

You might be able to explain it from your son's perspective in this way:
your father is someone you should be able to trust more than other
adults - he is one of your protectors, one of your caregivers, someone
who should only want to see you happy; when that trusted figure taunts
you, taking obvious pleasure in your lack of pleasure (i.e., not getting
the surprise after it is offered), it is cruel and, therefore,
confusing, given the expectations you, as a child, have of your parents
and the roles they play in your life. It is especially frightening
because the person who should be most helpful and understanding of your
wants and needs is exerting great control over your obtaining pleasure
and expressing glee in thwarting it.

My father did and still does things like this with my niece and nephews
(I don't let him do it to my children). It horrifies both me and my
husband (thank goodness DH is on my wavelength.)

Hope things get better.

jlc

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: black eagle <kidsdomain@...>

Last evening my DH brought home a night lamp and it was wrapped up in
a newspaper. he came home and tried to lure DS abt the suprised in the
packet. DS ran behind him and DH kept running away...to an extent that
he cried. DH kept laughing....finally giving in to the tantrum...he
showed the lamp and a the tantrum subsided. This is a very recurring
play pattern than my DH take up. AND I AM JUST NOT OKAY WITH IT! I am
also not able to reason it out to him...pls help, maybe one of u could
be able to express better than me as to how this tease-play pattern is
not healthy.


-=-=-=-

Has he read any of the responses so far?

If I'd tried to get through to him gently and he still refused to
comply, the next time, I'd grab the damned "surprise" myself and give
it to my child.

I wouldn't allow it to go on and on and on.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org