[email protected]

In a message dated 9/23/2004 5:21:04 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
I think that in our society we are programmed to think of the adults over
children.Not a good excuse at all and kind of crummy......and in need of an
overhaul for me and mine.
----------

I so agree and this is why radical unschooling is so wonderful for *me (a
byproduct I'd never expected). Since I've begun reading these lists, I've
started paying attention to the way things 'make' me feel and my knee-jerk
reactions. My biggie is when we're out at a public place, or around anybody outside
our family and DD is having a difficult time and has a meltdown.....in front of
everyone, with everyone looking disapprovingly. It's when I start feeling
judged and imagining that they're thinking that I can't control my own child or
that I'm a poor parent. My first reaction was to notice their reaction,
instead of ignoring THEM and focusing on helping my DD :( Something I'm not proud
of, too :( BUT now that I've become more aware of it, it doesn't happen very
often. DD still has meltdowns, but MY reactions are different so the meltdowns
do not last NEARLY as long, and we're becoming more connected. She's
learning that I *really want to help her... more than I'm embarrassed about us making
a scene or caring what others may think.

Warmly,
Denise


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jonni-Ann Goulding

But an interesting by-product of THAT is that when I see OTHER children melting down in public, I find myself really trying to understand and instead of MY being judgmental of other parents, I find myself really empathizing with how I know they must be feeling. And understanding that sometimes their "meanness" to their own children is because they are feeling judged and scorned. I try to make eye contact and communicate that we've all been there and don't worry about what others are thinking and I try to make eye contact with children that seem to be "losing it" so that on some level, maybe they can feel they are being heard. My heart just goes out to them.

I also find myself talking to and with others' children rather than around them as I used to. I can get on that level where I truly DO want to hear about the Rescue Heroes movie from the 6 year old as much as I am interested in what his mom is saying.

Unschooling has also made me aware of how others try to talk around my children and I am able to gently re"educate" them not to do that. We went to a BBQ on Labour Day and my son (who takes violin) had a lesson so we left and came back for the rest of the BBQ. Everyone wanted to hear my son play and they kept saying to me, "oh, have him play for us-we'd love to hear him!" They meant well but instead of my asking him (so I wouldn't communicate to him whether I wanted it or not and wouldn't seem like I was advocating for the other adults) I told them they should ask HIM if he wanted to play. There were actually two women who seemed surprised at the notion of asking a 7 year old what HE wanted to do. But they did and he said "I'd really rather not-I don't feel ready yet to play for other people-I play for me right now." I LOVED that he could feel that he was able to answer and not bow to pressure just because it was an adult. :)

There used to be a show when I was little called "Kids are people too!" Funny how we can forget that as we're ushered into adulthood. I'm remembering again and relearning it thanks to unschooling.

Jonni-Ann
***Those who hear not the music think the dancers mad***

we3deeves@... wrote:
In a message dated 9/23/2004 5:21:04 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
I think that in our society we are programmed to think of the adults over
children.Not a good excuse at all and kind of crummy......and in need of an
overhaul for me and mine.
----------

I so agree and this is why radical unschooling is so wonderful for *me (a
byproduct I'd never expected). Since I've begun reading these lists, I've
started paying attention to the way things 'make' me feel and my knee-jerk
reactions. My biggie is when we're out at a public place, or around anybody outside
our family and DD is having a difficult time and has a meltdown.....in front of
everyone, with everyone looking disapprovingly. It's when I start feeling
judged and imagining that they're thinking that I can't control my own child or
that I'm a poor parent. My first reaction was to notice their reaction,
instead of ignoring THEM and focusing on helping my DD :( Something I'm not proud
of, too :( BUT now that I've become more aware of it, it doesn't happen very
often. DD still has meltdowns, but MY reactions are different so the meltdowns
do not last NEARLY as long, and we're becoming more connected. She's
learning that I *really want to help her... more than I'm embarrassed about us making
a scene or caring what others may think.

Warmly,
Denise


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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