sunflowermom30

reading a lot of posts about parenting here...i am not sure yet how i
feel about what looks like some different ideas of parenting but i
sure could use some different insights into what's going on in our
house.

sibling rivalry...how do you deal with it? i know i need a new
approach...i'm constantly reacting, and badly, because its so
frustrating and i just don't know what to do!

i have a 7.5yr old and a 2.5yr old. the 7yr old is constantly
irritated by just about EVERYTHING the 2 yr old does. she is SO like
i was as a child...and frankly, to this day i am a highly irritable
person...which is why i get so irritated by what SHE does! so i'm
trying to work on that for myself...hard to help her when i cannot
figure out how to better handle irritation myself! patience is NOT
one of my strongpoints.

the 2 yr old is an instigator...he LOVES the reactions he gets from
just about everything he does. if he gets a reaction, he'll keep
doing it. gets really ugly around here on a daily basis.

i know this is all normal kid stuff but its so escalated around here
lately to the point that we are all pretty dang miserable. and the
heat has kicked in so that's, i'm sure, stirring up the pot more.
(central california, we're already getting upper 90s and even some
triple digits).

i know i need to be patient and kind...but darned if i've been able
to do that since nothing i say or do seems to help.

an example of something that happened yesterday was i got my son his
special box of crayons out so he could join my daughter and i at the
kitchen table where she was working on a coloring project she had
come up with and i was reading a story aloud to her. upon opening and
starting to use the crayons, my daughter noticed that most (all but
one actually) of the crayons in the box were small crayons, which
meant they were HERS, since the 2yr olds are the jumbo
crayons...somehow they had gotten mixed in and all the toddler's
crayons had disappeared. well all heck broke loose and nothing would
calm her down to listen to any sort of reason or suggestion that she
let him borrow them...it just got uglier and louder as the 2yr old
then started screaming to be let to color with them and i just threw
up my hands with the whole matter and bundled everyone into the car
and we went to the store and got the toddler a new set of crayons for
his box. but i was fuming the whole time. :(

i know i should have stayed calm and talked us all through it but
calm is not really something i've been capable of lately (working on
that)...and i did understand that the crayons were special to my
daughter and wanted to respect that...but then i was so ANGRY that
she couldn't share! at 7!! seems old enough to at least have a small
grasp on sharing.

anyway i know conventional parenting would have me doing something
like taking away the crayons and no one gets to play with them or
something punative to my daughter...and what i did wasn't done
lovingly because i was so angry...i know i need to work on this. but
i did want to respect that they WERE my daughter's crayons, and we
try to respect her space and her stuff...allowing her to not let her
brother use them (he IS a toddler, and he tends to demolish
things...and she's such an artist...her art supplies are so precious
to her)...but i worry because she's just gotten so nasty about it
that i worry about my son and growing up with a big sister that is so
mean (yes, she's downright mean to him, there's no other word for
it...she is downright nasty to him regularly) to him and how this
will affect HIM! such a tough thing to balance the needs of 2
different children! can't put the needs of one above the other...how
to handle things so all our needs are met? ay yi yi!

i'd love to know how you would have handled the crayon
situation...even if i don't agree with the input, i could use a fresh
perspective and see if there's anything i can glean from it. i need
to find a new way of looking at things.


tina

Ulrike Haupt

Hi Tina

As I understand it, the situation with the crayons that you related in the
context of sibling rivalry is very aptly chosen.

As you related it a few points stood out for me

sibling rivalry...
*** It is so easy to give this diagnosis. :) The remedy is of course
unconditional love, starting with ourselves. I my not so humble opinion SR
is the result of someone perceiving themselves to be less accepted.

the 7yr old is constantly
irritated by just about EVERYTHING the 2 yr old does.
*** My youngest son is constantly irritated at just about EVERYTHING his
little nieces do. He was 'against' them from day one. But then his elder
sister, the mother of the little ones, was against him and that is only now
slowly changing. - I guess I'll take this whole thing into my next EFT
session. :) (EFT = Emotional Freedom Techniques - to be used for everything
<grin> ) Because what I see here is an irrational emotional thing that is
somehow stuck and gets triggered by the mere persence of the other person.
In our case I would 'tap' into the pain of "Mommy does not love me anymore"
and I would through in a couple of rounds on my own feelings of guilt at not
being a good enough mother to both at the same time.

she is SO like
i was as a child...and frankly, to this day i am a highly irritable
person...which is why i get so irritated by what SHE does!
*** Irritation, frustration, anger and all these other feelings happen when
the seeming reality does not match our expectations of it. Making peace with
what is is one of the most difficult things to do without awareness.
If you still have the pain of rejection within it is very reasonable that
you can't tolerate the thought that your daughter should have to experience
the same pain. And not knowing how to soothe your own pain of course means
that you don't know how to soothe her pain.

so i'm
trying to work on that for myself...hard to help her when i cannot
figure out how to better handle irritation myself! patience is NOT
one of my strongpoints.
*** Please, do yourself a favour and learn EFT (go to emofree.com and
download the free manual - it is really easy!) and release these pains!


the 2 yr old is an instigator...he LOVES the reactions he gets from
just about everything he does.
if he gets a reaction, he'll keep
doing it. gets really ugly around here on a daily basis.
*** My mother once diffused a situation where a younger of my children was
instigating frustration with some elder sibling by fully acknowledging the
feeling of power it gave the younger one. I think she told me that she said
to the little one something like, "Ah. It feels good to be so bad, doesn't
it?" and the little one felt totally accepted and let the case rest there.

i know i need to be patient and kind...but darned if i've been able
to do that since nothing i say or do seems to help.
*** I find that the only thing that ever seems to help is changing how we
think about something.

an example of something that happened yesterday
well all heck broke loose
<snip>
but i was fuming the whole time. :(
*** Three unhappy people. How sad. At least this is in the past and next
time you can handle it all differently. And maybe soon you can feel less
guilty about it. <hugs>


i know i should have stayed calm and talked us all through it but
calm is not really something i've been capable of lately (working on
that)...and i did understand that the crayons were special to my
daughter and wanted to respect that...but then i was so ANGRY that
she couldn't share! at 7!! seems old enough to at least have a small
grasp on sharing.
*** She can only share if she feels absolutely safe in doing so. And that is
not something that is based on age. How can you give her this absolute inner
knowing that she and her things are as special to you as to her?
You know, I am 55 and I don't share everything I have, especially things I
value and where I am not sure that the person that wants part of this is
able to value it as much as I do. In my view she has a perfect right to go
ballistic when she sees her valuables endagered by the 'destroyer'.

.but i worry because she's just gotten so nasty about it
*** I guess she is in pain and her only way to handle this is to 'bite'.

that i worry about my son and growing up with a big sister that is so
mean ...
and how this
will affect HIM!
*** yes this is a worrysome thought.

such a tough thing to balance the needs of 2
different children! can't put the needs of one above the other...how
to handle things so all our needs are met? ay yi yi!
*** By knowing what the real needs are. acceptance and acknowledgement


i'd love to know how you would have handled the crayon
situation...even if i don't agree with the input, i could use a fresh
perspective and see if there's anything i can glean from it. i need
to find a new way of looking at things.
*** As soon as I would have seen that the small crayons are in the wrong box
I would have given them to dear daughter and taken the little one on a
treasure hunt to find whatever jumbos might still be found.

Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa