Pat

Last year my husband, my son and I moved to a small town. My son is 8
1/2 and on the autism spectrum. Coming from a big city, we were quite
surprised to find that many kids here wander from house to house,
unsupervised, playing in the houses or yards of other kids that they
pick up as they go. Funny, although I grew up like this, I actually
found this quite shocking! On the plus side, our yard has been
regularly full of kids who often stop in to play with my son for a
while. The friendships my son has made in the safety of his backyard
have been the best he's made to date and he's very excited about his
new popularity. He is feeling a confidence in himself that is brand
new to him and that he is very proud of.

And yet I knew it had to happen - my son now wants to "roam" with the
pack. Besides me not being okay with this in principle, I also know
that he still relies heavily on my constant availability to help him
deal with situations that are out of his comfort zone. I think he has
forgotten that he still does this, as he feels like "them" when
everyone is playing in our yard. Yet now he says he wants to try
"going out on his own" so he can "make his own mistakes".

I can see he is really growing and starting to feel like he belongs
for the first time in his life and his enthusiasm is absolutely
wonderful to see. Yet only two days ago he told me he was terrorized
by his friend's 3 year old little brother that was bullying him
(pulled his hair), while he was on a playdate at his friend's house
and he spent the last half hour there hiding in the back yard until I
picked him up, while his friend played video games in the house.

I can talk to him about many things, but he does not want to hear
anything but "be free" when it comes to the subject of his new
friends. I suspect he is going to slip out of the yard one of these
days to test his new confidence in himself... Any suggestions as to
how I can prevent myself from having a major coronary when I can't
find him would be most welcome. And perhaps a better approach to
discussing why "roaming" is not appropriate at his age when everyone
else is apparently doing it and are all fine (besides fear-based ideas).

Pat

Melissa Gray

Well, being in a similar situation with Josh, I'll share what we did
to make both of us happy.

I let him go.

Not just walk out the door, but we spent a lot of time talking about
options. We made social stories while talking about what he could do
if *this* happened, and what he could do if *that* happened. It's
still very scary for me, because he does have autism, and he often
freezes in dangerous situations. He was so terribly bullied in
school, too, so that often he accepts verbal and light physical abuse
as just part of life. We started off with going three or four houses
to each side, as well as the park that is next to our backyard. I
could keep a visual on him, and he could see the house and remember
his options. And I could see that for the most part he did fine. We
would work on one issue at a time (ie "If Friend's brother pulls your
hair, you can yell "stop!" and tell his mom/ leave and come home/
whatever.") I wish that we had done it while he was younger, by age
ten/eleven, the kids stopped roaming and just hung out at homes, he
wasn't really part of the group yet, and now he's just not part of
the group at all. He has friends, but not in this neighborhood, so we
must drive to visit. And when kids walk by, he doesn't say hi to
them, and they don't say hi to him. He does have two friends, one
that is three blocks away, that he can walk to and visit with, and
they come over here. So I'm thankful for them. I just wish for one
more year.


Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com



On May 14, 2008, at 4:46 AM, Pat wrote:

> Last year my husband, my son and I moved to a small town. My son is 8
> 1/2 and on the autism spectrum. Coming from a big city, we were quite
> surprised to find that many kids here wander from house to house,
> unsupervised, playing in the houses or yards of other kids that they
> pick up as they go. Funny, although I grew up like this, I actually
> found this quite shocking! On the plus side, our yard has been
> regularly full of kids who often stop in to play with my son for a
> while. The friendships my son has made in the safety of his backyard
> have been the best he's made to date and he's very excited about his
> new popularity. He is feeling a confidence in himself that is brand
> new to him and that he is very proud of.
>
> And yet I knew it had to happen - my son now wants to "roam" with the
> pack. Besides me not being okay with this in principle, I also know
> that he still relies heavily on my constant availability to help him
> deal with situations that are out of his comfort zone. I think he has
> forgotten that he still does this, as he feels like "them" when
> everyone is playing in our yard. Yet now he says he wants to try
> "going out on his own" so he can "make his own mistakes".
>
> I can see he is really growing and starting to feel like he belongs
> for the first time in his life and his enthusiasm is absolutely
> wonderful to see. Yet only two days ago he told me he was terrorized
> by his friend's 3 year old little brother that was bullying him
> (pulled his hair), while he was on a playdate at his friend's house
> and he spent the last half hour there hiding in the back yard until I
> picked him up, while his friend played video games in the house.
>
> I can talk to him about many things, but he does not want to hear
> anything but "be free" when it comes to the subject of his new
> friends. I suspect he is going to slip out of the yard one of these
> days to test his new confidence in himself... Any suggestions as to
> how I can prevent myself from having a major coronary when I can't
> find him would be most welcome. And perhaps a better approach to
> discussing why "roaming" is not appropriate at his age when everyone
> else is apparently doing it and are all fine (besides fear-based
> ideas).
>
> Pat
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Brad Holcomb

> And perhaps a better approach to
> discussing why "roaming" is not appropriate at his age when everyone
> else is apparently doing it and are all fine (besides fear-based ideas).


Why would roaming not be appropriate at age 8.5? I had a few years of free
range summers as a kid, and I think your son is one of the lucky 1% of kids
in the US who live where simple freedoms like roaming aren't legislated,
regulated, or otherwise frowned upon by the citizenry.

At age 8-11 in the summers (I was always schooled), I'd leave home on my
bike right after breakfast and spend the day going between several different
houses, playing baseball on the empty school yard, etc. I was sometimes 2
miles from home (farther than that, a few times), but mostly within about
1/4 mile. And I say we were between houses, but really we were just on the
street, on the go, and only sometimes in someone's house or yard. There was
a steak restaurant on the boulevard a few blocks from home that had a
soft-serve vanilla ice cream dispenser for patrons. The manager would let
my bicycle gang (about 6-10 of us, usually, age 8-11 or so) get cones for 10
cents, and we'd do that a couple times a day. We'd have contests to see who
could make their cone tallest without it falling off. I can still taste
that ice cream.

We made ramps to jump our bicycles over garbage cans and curbs and whatever
else we could find. We'd beg for scrap lumber at a nearby lumber yard to
build our ramps and clubhouses and treehouses (or steal, a few times, if it
was Sunday and we needed wood...but one time we told them about it and they
said it was OK...it was only scraps). We let Jimmy hang out with us (even
though he was pretty mean sometimes) only because his dad had subscriptions
to several nudie magazines and would drop them in the trash where Jimmy
could grab them. Jimmy had a stack about a foot tall hidden in his bedroom,
and we'd take a few to the clubhouse sometimes but Jimmy usually preferred
they stay indoors. We had about 4 different clubhouses, one of them in the
field next to my house. I'd usually go home for lunch, but not always. And
some days I'd be in and out of the house several times, retrieving ball
gloves or other gear, or getting a band-aid. But mostly I'd just be gone,
playing, and get home around dusk.

My free ranging summers are among my fondest memories of childhood. After
age 11, we moved around a lot and there was only one other summer when I had
a bicycle gang to hang with. It saddens me that my 3 y/o DS isn't likely to
have similar experiences...or not as many of them, at least. With everyone
worried about injury liability and predators and related adult crap/fears,
roaming days are mostly history except in the small towns like where you
live. Enjoy it! When I see bicycles in my neighborhood these days, it
appears to be a family "going for a ride". My parents had bicycles, and
we'd all "go for a ride" as a family sometimes on a Sunday, but that was a
different thing altogether from the true intended purpose of MY bicycle,
which was a ticket to Freedom.

I have zero experience/opinion about how autism would factor into
this...just wanted to reminisce about my own free range years.

--
Brad in Boulder, CO

Pat

I think my real fear is that an older child or person might take
advantage of his naivety or passivity. I'm sure that's not helping him
at all, but I can't seem to get comfortable with this leap he wants to
take. How do you decide when your fears are more about you than about
about them?


> I let him go.
>
> Not just walk out the door, but we spent a lot of time talking about
> options. We made social stories while talking about what he could do
> if *this* happened, and what he could do if *that* happened. It's
> still very scary for me, because he does have autism, and he often
> freezes in dangerous situations. He was so terribly bullied in
> school, too, so that often he accepts verbal and light physical abuse
> as just part of life.

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Pat <burnspaj@...>

I can talk to him about many things, but he does not want to hear
anything but "be free" when it comes to the subject of his new
friends. I suspect he is going to slip out of the yard one of these
days to test his new confidence in himself... Any suggestions as to
how I can prevent myself from having a major coronary when I can't
find him would be most welcome. And perhaps a better approach to
discussing why "roaming" is not appropriate at his age when everyone
else is apparently doing it and are all fine (besides fear-based
ideas).


-=-=-=-=-

Get him a cell phone or walkie talkie so that he can call if he's
*ever* in an uncomfortable situation.

That way you can each trust that the other is available and respect the
needs of the other.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

kellynrachel

I can understand your fears. I don't know your son or his
limitations, but it sounds like he is trying to stretch his wings. It
is hard as a parent to keep *control* over what is happening as the
children get older. Though you are looking out for his best interest,
you also need to look at the situation from his point of view.

He is making new friends, accepted into the group, and wanting to play
like the other kids do. These are all exciting and fun things. Being
the mom who says "No you can't because..." is going to create
resentment or frustration on his part. He may leave the yard to defy
you and prove you wrong. Many of the spectrum kids I know will rely
on fact. "If I leave the yard, play safely, and return safely, then I
have proven that she was wrong and I was right."

Given that I don't know your situation or feelings on the matter, I
would do one of two things. One... make my yard so cool that the kids
ALL want to play at my yard till my son is a bit older. Two... buy
him one of those nice watches with a GPS locator on it so you can find
him if he wanders too far from the group. Some would think this is
too invasive, but I think I would consider it as a back-up plan if my
kid wandered and hadn't returned by a certain time.

Unless you wish to have him live with you forever, you have to loosen
the reigns little bits at a time and teach him the skills that he
needs to return safely and in a timely manner. Kids will make
mistakes, it is our job to allow them the freedom to make the mistakes
that will teach them and pick them up when they need a hand.

Wishing you all the best of luck in whatever path you choose.

Rachel

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Pat <burnspaj@...>

I think my real fear is that an older child or person might take
advantage of his naivety or passivity. I'm sure that's not helping him
at all, but I can't seem to get comfortable with this leap he wants to
take. How do you decide when your fears are more about you than about
about them?

-=-=-=-=-

I'm not sure, but I *do* know that *most* of my fears are bigger than
reality. <G>

I'm not really fearful, either, but I am protective. And I know that
the *probability* is pretty low than anything bad would happen, but
there *IS* nevertheless a slight possibility.

But I can't hold them back because of all the things *I* could fathom
happening. I can only help prepare them as much as possible and let
them find their way.

Duncan, 12, flew to Boston on Monday. I knew he could do it because
*HE* knew he could do it. He had the option of not going---and I don't
think he coulda'/woulda' *last* year. But he, himself, was quite
confident that he could do it *this* year.

*His* confidence gives *me* confidence. If he didn't think he could do
it, I would NOT have made him.

He's been there almost two full days and hasn't called me since he
first got in. He must be doing OK. <BWG> The mom he's staying with has
emailed me. I know he's fine. <g>

Cameron, 20, leaves next week for five weeks in the Yukon. He told me
today that he would "find a ride" from Portland to Corvallis. I told
*him* that *I* could find him a ride from Portland to Corvallis. I have
that power. <G> But he really wants to do some of that himself. Does it
worry me? You betcha! But not enough for me to worry *him*. I know
he'll let me know his plans when he gets there. I won't be "in the
dark."

He has a level head and lots of experience making decisions. I trust
him to be OK and make *more* smart decisions. He won't take HUGE risks,
but he *will* take risks. But that's what life's about.

I have to be OK with that.




~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

Melissa Gray

Well, that *is* hard. If it's in your head, and he's not afraid, then
the fears are yours and you need to own them.

I was very afraid that Josh would try to cross a major road. We live
two blocks from a five lane road and four blocks in every other
direction from five lane, 40 mph traffic (mostly college kids late
for class, so think 50 mph)
I told him that crossing those roads weren't an option for a while,
because *I* was not comfortable with it (he was nearly run down
walking home from school once, because he honestly didn't think to
stop when a car was coming...and then froze when they honked instead
of running as they expected) But he has a cell phone specifically
for those purposes, and I have had to pick him up. He has had to
knock on someone's door to ask for directions because he had no idea
where he was and I didn't recognize the cross streets (in our own one
mile section!) But he survived and learned. I survived and learned.
The funniest thing was that he found a ditch that went under the
road, and when he came home an hour late, was wet up to the knees. I
was very concerned, and he grinned and said, "Remember how you said I
couldn't cross any major roads? You didn't say anything about going
UNDER them!" So that was our concession. He still gets lost walking
to his friend who lives over there, and that's part of his brain as
well.

Naivety is something that they share, and I had to let go of my fear.
Even if someone did something that *I* perceived as advantageous
(poor video trades, Josh spending all of his money to buy food for
those kids etc), he had to do it. He had to realize that 1) those
kids were using him and 2) that doing it left him with less cash and
not more friends. We talked about that too, with me being supportive
and offering ideas on what to do and what to say ("Sorry guys, I'm
saving this for x,y,z" or just not take more than two dollars, or
just be happy buying for someone else) It also meant that I went out
and built up relationships with all of those other parents (hard for
me), so we could say to the kids or the parents, "You know, Josh is
really regretting trading this game for that. Is there any way we
could get it back?"

I dunno, you just feel your way through it, and really examine the
problem. Take baby steps if you have to, it's better than freezing
because of fear, but the sooner you let go, the easier it will be.

Is there any way you could tag along behind? We have the added bonus
of having siblings, and so I would explain to the kids that Avari
wanted to follow them, and asked if it was okay if we did, and they
were usually thrilled to have her along. I could play with her, while
everyone else was playing, and be aware. Not really step in, but know
what was going on so that Josh and I could talk later. Or make some
great snacks and deliver them to wherever they are playing, just
until you understand in your heart that he will be okay.


Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com



On May 14, 2008, at 11:24 AM, Pat wrote:

> I think my real fear is that an older child or person might take
> advantage of his naivety or passivity. I'm sure that's not helping him
> at all, but I can't seem to get comfortable with this leap he wants to
> take. How do you decide when your fears are more about you than about
> about them?
>
>
> > I let him go.
> >
> > Not just walk out the door, but we spent a lot of time talking about
> > options. We made social stories while talking about what he could do
> > if *this* happened, and what he could do if *that* happened. It's
> > still very scary for me, because he does have autism, and he often
> > freezes in dangerous situations. He was so terribly bullied in
> > school, too, so that often he accepts verbal and light physical
> abuse
> > as just part of life.
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

lauramae117

We live in a great neighborhood, like the one you describe. I chose
this home in this location for the freedom it allows my 10 yo son
(and our dog, and the safety for our cats) and friendliness amongst
the 'hood.

The kids run in a pack, going from yard to yard, trampolines,
homemede driveway skate ramps, secret forts in the woods.
Yesterday, between our yard and our closest neighbor, there were
about twelve kids, ranging in age from 22 months (my daughter) to
seventeen years old, along with six to eight adults, and four dogs
all playing together for hours.

Although this isn't possible in some towns or some neighborhoods,
where this kind of life is possible, it is wonderful!

Perhaps one of the older kids in the pack could be sort of a lookout
for your son, if he gets to far away from home, ar begins to feel
uncomfortable? As long as he feels safe and knows you are near...

Being truly free is the greatest gift to our unschooled children.


--- In [email protected], Melissa Gray
<autismhelp@...> wrote:
>
> Well, being in a similar situation with Josh, I'll share what we
did
> to make both of us happy.
>
> I let him go.
>
> Not just walk out the door, but we spent a lot of time talking
about
> options. We made social stories while talking about what he could
do
> if *this* happened, and what he could do if *that* happened. It's
> still very scary for me, because he does have autism, and he
often
> freezes in dangerous situations. He was so terribly bullied in
> school, too, so that often he accepts verbal and light physical
abuse
> as just part of life. We started off with going three or four
houses
> to each side, as well as the park that is next to our backyard. I
> could keep a visual on him, and he could see the house and
remember
> his options. And I could see that for the most part he did fine.
We
> would work on one issue at a time (ie "If Friend's brother pulls
your
> hair, you can yell "stop!" and tell his mom/ leave and come home/
> whatever.") I wish that we had done it while he was younger, by
age
> ten/eleven, the kids stopped roaming and just hung out at homes,
he
> wasn't really part of the group yet, and now he's just not part
of
> the group at all. He has friends, but not in this neighborhood, so
we
> must drive to visit. And when kids walk by, he doesn't say hi to
> them, and they don't say hi to him. He does have two friends, one
> that is three blocks away, that he can walk to and visit with,
and
> they come over here. So I'm thankful for them. I just wish for
one
> more year.
>
>
> Melissa
> Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
> Wife to Zane
>
> blog me at
> http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
> http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
>
>
>
> On May 14, 2008, at 4:46 AM, Pat wrote:
>
> > Last year my husband, my son and I moved to a small town. My son
is 8
> > 1/2 and on the autism spectrum. Coming from a big city, we were
quite
> > surprised to find that many kids here wander from house to house,
> > unsupervised, playing in the houses or yards of other kids that
they
> > pick up as they go. Funny, although I grew up like this, I
actually
> > found this quite shocking! On the plus side, our yard has been
> > regularly full of kids who often stop in to play with my son for
a
> > while. The friendships my son has made in the safety of his
backyard
> > have been the best he's made to date and he's very excited about
his
> > new popularity. He is feeling a confidence in himself that is
brand
> > new to him and that he is very proud of.
> >
> > And yet I knew it had to happen - my son now wants to "roam"
with the
> > pack. Besides me not being okay with this in principle, I also
know
> > that he still relies heavily on my constant availability to help
him
> > deal with situations that are out of his comfort zone. I think
he has
> > forgotten that he still does this, as he feels like "them" when
> > everyone is playing in our yard. Yet now he says he wants to try
> > "going out on his own" so he can "make his own mistakes".
> >
> > I can see he is really growing and starting to feel like he
belongs
> > for the first time in his life and his enthusiasm is absolutely
> > wonderful to see. Yet only two days ago he told me he was
terrorized
> > by his friend's 3 year old little brother that was bullying him
> > (pulled his hair), while he was on a playdate at his friend's
house
> > and he spent the last half hour there hiding in the back yard
until I
> > picked him up, while his friend played video games in the house.
> >
> > I can talk to him about many things, but he does not want to hear
> > anything but "be free" when it comes to the subject of his new
> > friends. I suspect he is going to slip out of the yard one of
these
> > days to test his new confidence in himself... Any suggestions as
to
> > how I can prevent myself from having a major coronary when I
can't
> > find him would be most welcome. And perhaps a better approach to
> > discussing why "roaming" is not appropriate at his age when
everyone
> > else is apparently doing it and are all fine (besides fear-
based
> > ideas).
> >
> > Pat
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Pat

<lauramae117@...> wrote:
>
> We live in a great neighborhood, like the one you describe. I chose
> this home in this location for the freedom it allows my 10 yo son
> (and our dog, and the safety for our cats) and friendliness amongst
> the 'hood.
>
I must have made our neighborhood sound better than it is. While
there's almost no crime to speak of, ours is more like going back to a
1950's town sans glamour. Complete with 1950's style parenting. People
are proud of saying that coming here is like going back in time. And
for anyone who's nostalgic about that, it's not Mayberry!

Pat

Maisha Khalfani

<<Get him a cell phone or walkie talkie so that he can call if he's
*ever* in an uncomfortable situation.>>



A co-worker of mine told me about a great phone for children. I plan on
getting one for Safiya and Dakari.

http://www.fireflymobile.com/





Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures

When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”

~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>


<<Get him a cell phone or walkie talkie so that he can call if he's
*ever* in an uncomfortable situation.>>

A co-worker of mine told me about a great phone for children. I plan on
getting one for Safiya and Dakari.

http://www.fireflymobile.com/

-=-=-=-=-=-

That's what I tried to get Duncan when I got him his first cell phone,
but Cingular didn't sell them anymore. I was really bummed, 'cause it
looked great and I thought he'd like it.

He got a nicer phone than either Ben or I have! <g> It was the one on
sale---well, FREE!---when I bought his plan.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

Faith Void

Something that has stuck in my head that Joyce said, "How can I feel
more comfortable with this?" (this is not a direct quote) I frequently
ask my 11dd to help me with this as she is at that age where she wants
more and more freedom. She has gotten quite good at helping me problem
solve and come to mutually acceptable solutions. And i have done a lot
of stretching.
Faith

On Wed, May 14, 2008 at 12:24 PM, Pat <burnspaj@...> wrote:
> I think my real fear is that an older child or person might take
> advantage of his naivety or passivity. I'm sure that's not helping him
> at all, but I can't seem to get comfortable with this leap he wants to
> take. How do you decide when your fears are more about you than about
> about them?
>
>
>> I let him go.
>>
>> Not just walk out the door, but we spent a lot of time talking about
>> options. We made social stories while talking about what he could do
>> if *this* happened, and what he could do if *that* happened. It's
>> still very scary for me, because he does have autism, and he often
>> freezes in dangerous situations. He was so terribly bullied in
>> school, too, so that often he accepts verbal and light physical abuse
>> as just part of life.
>
>



--
www.bearthmama.com