Emilie

"Was thinking over events today and wondered about anger. There was a
discussion here before about triggers, but I need a bit more of a
reference point -- What does a healthy expression of anger look like?"


This is exactly the question I have too. I feel like there is no
healthy expression of anger for me. And yet this makes no sense.
Anger is a feeling, feelings are not wrong. But I just keep trying to
not feel that way. I try to accept my kids unconditionally. But I
haven't figured out what to do about myself. Obviously, expressions
of anger that hurt others are not healthy. But my kids are so
sensitive, even small expressions of anger on my part seem very
upsetting to them. Even if it is not directed at them. So I try not
to feel angry ,and if that fails I try not to act angry. This is
really not working for me because I think it leads to feeling trapped
in situations. Feel frustrated, start feeling angry, can't be angry,
can't not be frustrated, get more frustrated, start feeling angry,
can't act angry, can't not act angry... all the while trying to
breathe it out.

I was really scared when my parents were angry when I was a kid. I
know that this was in the context of not being supported or
connected the rest of the time. And I was not really being allowed to
be angry. But I don't want my kids to feel scared that way. And I
don't want them to feel scared of being angry either. Sometimes I
feel like I am trying to be a 'Stepford' mom. This seems like the
wrong goal in RU. But what is the right goal? How can I be
authentically angry without scaring anyone, including myself?

Emilie

Jodi Bezzola

~~I feel like there is no healthy expression of anger for me. And yet this makes no sense.
Anger is a feeling, feelings are not wrong. But I just keep trying to
not feel that way. I try to accept my kids unconditionally. But I
haven't figured out what to do about myself. Obviously, expressions
of anger that hurt others are not healthy. But my kids are so
sensitive, even small expressions of anger on my part seem very
upsetting to them. Even if it is not directed at them. So I try not
to feel angry ,and if that fails I try not to act angry. This is
really not working for me because I think it leads to feeling trapped
in situations. Feel frustrated, start feeling angry, can't be angry,
can't not be frustrated, get more frustrated, start feeling angry,
can't act angry, can't not act angry... all the while trying to
breathe it out.~~

I have really struggled with this too, and ESPECIALLY since starting RU living. It just brings up so much for me all the time, stuff that I know is completely MY issue, but is being triggered by giving my girls what I was not given - no limits, no punishment, and man, does that push my buttons!!! I believe what a bodyworker told me recently, that in her experience there is always something under the anger, and that has proven true for me. Hurt, fear, shame, sadness, those are the main ones I've discovered. And when I breathe, the anger does move, and often faster than I would have expected. It's still crazy though, how often I forget to just breathe!

I have found useful exercises for myself in both Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (Naomi Aldort) and Raising the Spirited Child. The truth is that I have a very intense temperament myself, and trying to be calm earth mother all the time is going against the way I'm put together. I believe now that just as it is completely disrepectful to try to shut down intenseness in my daughter, it is dishonouring to try and do it to myself as well, to try and try to be someone I'm not. I want the authentic me to be present with my girls, not some put together version of myself that isn't real. I often make a argh gutteral sound when I'm really frustrated/angry, not directed at anyone, just a release of the 'bees in my body'. And I've talked to my girls about what being angry/frustrated looks like while respecting everyone around - and for me, making that sound is sometimes what it looks like. I too want them to know it's okay to be angry or anything other feeling for that
matter, and so modelling healthy anger is pretty important around here.

I look forward to what the wise ones have to say about this, because I think it's a VERY important discussion, especially for those of us new to RU and healing lots of old stuff while trying to give differently to our children.

Jodi



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], Emilie <erugard@...> wrote:
>
>
> Anger is a feeling, feelings are not wrong.

"They" say that anger is a secondary emotion and that it is
defensive. So, there is a feeling underneath the anger that is the
true cause of your upset that you are afraid to feel/express. If you
can get to that feeling, you might be able to handle the emotions
better.

Everyone gets angry sometimes and that's ok. I used to go from 0 to
60 in no time flat. I was explosive with my anger. I have finally
gotten to the poing where I can say to whoever, "I'm really angry
right now and need a few moments to myself." That may still upset my
4 year old, who is very sensitive, too, but it sure beats screaming
something awful at him. Sometimes I can even get to the feeling
under the anger at the moment and tell my son that I'm angry about
whatever rather than being angry at him. Sometimes I just yell at
nothing. That helps to release some of the tension.

Alysia

Debra Rossing

>Sometimes I just yell at nothing. That helps to release some of the
tension.
That's a 'tool' we've given DS since he was little - when he gets angry
or frustrated to the point he can't talk about it or unwind in any other
way, he goes to another room (away from wherever people are, people just
clog things up) and just yells - a big, deep, full from his toes to his
hair, yell. He may jump up and down a bit too if he needs to vent
additional energy. Then he's more likely to be ready to come back and
verbalize whatever it is that is leading to the situation. It was a BIG
leap for him because he used to be prone to physical aggression toward
the nearest person, throwing things rather violently, etc. Now, he's
more likely to go yell then come back. Odd little thing though is that
sometimes he feels a need to still have physical contact with the person
or object involved so he'll "tag" or tap the person (no real force, like
playing a game of tag) then go yell.

Deb


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], "Debra Rossing"
<debra.rossing@...> wrote:
>
> >Sometimes I just yell at nothing. That helps to release some of
the
> tension.

> That's a 'tool' we've given DS since he was little - when he gets
angry
> or frustrated to the point he can't talk about it or unwind in any
other
> way, he goes to another room (away from wherever people are,
people just
> clog things up) and just yells - a big, deep, full from his toes
to his
> hair, yell. He may jump up and down a bit too if he needs to vent
> additional energy. Then he's more likely to be ready to come back
and
> verbalize whatever it is that is leading to the situation. It was
a BIG
> leap for him because he used to be prone to physical aggression
toward
> the nearest person, throwing things rather violently, etc. Now,
he's
> more likely to go yell then come back. Odd little thing though is
that
> sometimes he feels a need to still have physical contact with the
person
> or object involved so he'll "tag" or tap the person (no real
force, like
> playing a game of tag) then go yell.
>
> Deb


My 4yo does this sometimes, too. At first it startled me until I
realized what he was doing. He was just copying mommy and daddy (who
does it, too, mostly when he's working with power tools).

Alysia