FW: shaming
Maisha Khalfani
I was re-reading the article on shame at The Natural Child Project
http://www.naturalchild.com/robin_grille/good_children.html
And I was wondering if there was any way to reverse the effects of shaming?
I know that I have used it as a tactic. And I know dh believed in it as a
tactic. But now that we have both shifted our thinking, Im wondering if
there is a way to start from where we are to correct the shaming.
What can we do to help our children reclaim those good feelings about
themselves?
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present. ~
Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
http://www.naturalchild.com/robin_grille/good_children.html
And I was wondering if there was any way to reverse the effects of shaming?
I know that I have used it as a tactic. And I know dh believed in it as a
tactic. But now that we have both shifted our thinking, Im wondering if
there is a way to start from where we are to correct the shaming.
What can we do to help our children reclaim those good feelings about
themselves?
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present. ~
Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
I was re-reading the article on shame at The Natural Child Project
http://www.naturalchild.com/robin_grille/good_children.html
And I was wondering if there was any way to reverse the effects of
shaming?
I know that I have used it as a tactic. And I know dh believed in it as
a
tactic. But now that we have both shifted our thinking, I’m wondering
if
there is a way to start from where we are to correct the shaming.
What can we do to help our children reclaim those good feelings about
themselves?
-=-=-=-=-
1) Apologize---MOST sincerely and honestly.
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
In case you *do* do it again: Beforehand, decide on a "cue word" they
can say to you to call you on it. If they *do* have to call you on it,
back down IMMEDIATELY and apologize for falling back to old ways. Since
you would probably be falling back on old "tools" when tired, hungry,
hormonal, or frustrated, you need to be able to switch gears and not
get angry all over again because they're letting you know you're
backpedaling. This will also help you tend to your own body's needs
more attentively. (It did for me!) They may *not* call you on it the
first few hundred times because they are afraid of the consequences
(younger children are more apt to take that risk! <G>). But if they
feel confident enough that you're serious, they will eventually stand
up for themselves.
Let them be *your* partners in being better parents. I can guarantee
the children want better parents! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
I was re-reading the article on shame at The Natural Child Project
http://www.naturalchild.com/robin_grille/good_children.html
And I was wondering if there was any way to reverse the effects of
shaming?
I know that I have used it as a tactic. And I know dh believed in it as
a
tactic. But now that we have both shifted our thinking, I’m wondering
if
there is a way to start from where we are to correct the shaming.
What can we do to help our children reclaim those good feelings about
themselves?
-=-=-=-=-
1) Apologize---MOST sincerely and honestly.
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
In case you *do* do it again: Beforehand, decide on a "cue word" they
can say to you to call you on it. If they *do* have to call you on it,
back down IMMEDIATELY and apologize for falling back to old ways. Since
you would probably be falling back on old "tools" when tired, hungry,
hormonal, or frustrated, you need to be able to switch gears and not
get angry all over again because they're letting you know you're
backpedaling. This will also help you tend to your own body's needs
more attentively. (It did for me!) They may *not* call you on it the
first few hundred times because they are afraid of the consequences
(younger children are more apt to take that risk! <G>). But if they
feel confident enough that you're serious, they will eventually stand
up for themselves.
Let them be *your* partners in being better parents. I can guarantee
the children want better parents! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
Maisha Khalfani
1) Apologize---MOST sincerely and honestly.
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
Okay – got it. Now what do I do if it’s dh doing the shaming? Or do I do nothing at all and let them work out their relationship?
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
Okay – got it. Now what do I do if it’s dh doing the shaming? Or do I do nothing at all and let them work out their relationship?
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
1) Apologize---MOST sincerely and honestly.
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
Okay – got it. Now what do I do if it’s dh doing the shaming? Or do I
do
nothing at all and let them work out their relationship?
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
1) Apologize to your kids for your husband's behavior---MOST sincerely
and honestly. Let them know you are their partner in this and that you
want to protect them physically and emotionally, but that their dad is
their dad and wants the same thing---he just doesn't have a good handle
on how to do it ...yet.
2) Tell them why you think he did it (bad modeling by his parents, lack
of better tools in his parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
Help them see that dad needs help in being the best dad he can be, but
that parts don't come naturally to him. Let them know that, although he
*wants* to be better, this isn't easy for him. Brainstorm ways for all
of you to *make* it easier for him.
3) Tell them how you felt/feel when it happened/happens to you. (My
guess is that he doesn't shame *just* the kids---that this is his MO in
dealing with everyone.) Talk about how *he* must have been shamed as a
boy and how *he* must've felt as a little one---both to him and to the
children. Be compassionate---know that he hurt too.
4) Help him not do it again. By being a buffer whenever possible. By
being the change you want to see. By modeling the way you want both of
you to deal with the kids. By pointing out when what he does better IS
working. And as Meredith says (way better than I can): praise his
efforts---no matter how puny---and even if he's not doing much of
anything different. <g> Meredith, how DO you put this so well?
All that said (or written <g>)---it's still something *he* has to
change. *You* can't change him---only *he* can do that. But you can
help give him tools if he's willing to accept them.
Maisha, does Jabari read here? Do you share things like this with him?
I know he's made some headway recently. Why is that? What's changed?
Could you take the above, print it out, and tape it to the bathroom
mirror? Would he be offended? Or pleased to have more tools?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
1) Apologize---MOST sincerely and honestly.
2) Tell them why you did it (bad modeling by your own parents, lack of
better tools in your parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
3) Tell them how you felt when it happened/happens to you.
4) Don't do it again.
Okay – got it. Now what do I do if it’s dh doing the shaming? Or do I
do
nothing at all and let them work out their relationship?
-=-=-=-=-=-==-
1) Apologize to your kids for your husband's behavior---MOST sincerely
and honestly. Let them know you are their partner in this and that you
want to protect them physically and emotionally, but that their dad is
their dad and wants the same thing---he just doesn't have a good handle
on how to do it ...yet.
2) Tell them why you think he did it (bad modeling by his parents, lack
of better tools in his parenting toolbox, need for power, whatever).
Help them see that dad needs help in being the best dad he can be, but
that parts don't come naturally to him. Let them know that, although he
*wants* to be better, this isn't easy for him. Brainstorm ways for all
of you to *make* it easier for him.
3) Tell them how you felt/feel when it happened/happens to you. (My
guess is that he doesn't shame *just* the kids---that this is his MO in
dealing with everyone.) Talk about how *he* must have been shamed as a
boy and how *he* must've felt as a little one---both to him and to the
children. Be compassionate---know that he hurt too.
4) Help him not do it again. By being a buffer whenever possible. By
being the change you want to see. By modeling the way you want both of
you to deal with the kids. By pointing out when what he does better IS
working. And as Meredith says (way better than I can): praise his
efforts---no matter how puny---and even if he's not doing much of
anything different. <g> Meredith, how DO you put this so well?
All that said (or written <g>)---it's still something *he* has to
change. *You* can't change him---only *he* can do that. But you can
help give him tools if he's willing to accept them.
Maisha, does Jabari read here? Do you share things like this with him?
I know he's made some headway recently. Why is that? What's changed?
Could you take the above, print it out, and tape it to the bathroom
mirror? Would he be offended? Or pleased to have more tools?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
Maisha Khalfani
<<Maisha, does Jabari read here? Do you share things like this with him?>>
No, he’s not a big reader. He’s more of a visual/meet-in-person type of guy. If this were on a dvd (hint, hint) he would watch it – while playing a video game LOL. That’s how he pays attention. And if he meets someone in person he’ll listen and ask questions. But the reading thing….not so much.
<<I know he's made some headway recently. Why is that? What's changed?>>
Honestly, what’s changed is that he isn’t living here right now :( It’s not my plan (or his) for it to remain that way, but it’s just what needed to happen right now.
<<Would he be offended? Or pleased to have more tools?>>
I think at this point he would be pleased to have more tools. And so would I! He’s open to learning more and so am I (Retrouvaille next weekend – thank you Kelly!)
We will all be at the LnL conference. I’m excited about him coming and going to the dad’s session – where apparently there are *no* women allowed LOL. I really believe that the conference will be an eye opening experience for the both of us.
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
No, he’s not a big reader. He’s more of a visual/meet-in-person type of guy. If this were on a dvd (hint, hint) he would watch it – while playing a video game LOL. That’s how he pays attention. And if he meets someone in person he’ll listen and ask questions. But the reading thing….not so much.
<<I know he's made some headway recently. Why is that? What's changed?>>
Honestly, what’s changed is that he isn’t living here right now :( It’s not my plan (or his) for it to remain that way, but it’s just what needed to happen right now.
<<Would he be offended? Or pleased to have more tools?>>
I think at this point he would be pleased to have more tools. And so would I! He’s open to learning more and so am I (Retrouvaille next weekend – thank you Kelly!)
We will all be at the LnL conference. I’m excited about him coming and going to the dad’s session – where apparently there are *no* women allowed LOL. I really believe that the conference will be an eye opening experience for the both of us.
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
“Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
No, he’s not a big reader. He’s more of a visual/meet-in-person type
of guy.
If this were on a dvd (hint, hint) he would watch it – while playing a
video
game LOL. That’s how he pays attention. And if he meets someone in
person
he’ll listen and ask questions. But the reading thing….not so much.
-=-=-=-=
Do you know about Dayna Martin's Youtube videos? Talks about
unschooling and mindful parenting in a "video" format.
Anybody got a quick link? I miss the Link Fairy of groups past! <g>
I'm not a LoA kind of gal, but Dayna has some great videos that could
help a lot. She's very sweet and personable, and that shows in her
videos. She'll be a the NEUConference too.
-=-=-=-=-
Honestly, what’s changed is that he isn’t living here right now :(
It’s not my
plan (or his) for it to remain that way, but it’s just what needed to
happen
right now.
-==-=-
Well, I read that y'all had separated somewhere---and then that things
were better. So I wasn't really sure what was happening.
Ren and her husband split for a while several (wow---many! now that I
think about it) years ago now. It helped them refocus and decide what
they wanted.
-==-=-=-=-
I think at this point he would be pleased to have more tools. And so
would I!
He’s open to learning more and so am I (Retrouvaille next weekend –
thank you
Kelly!)
-=-=-=-=-=-
I'm SOOO glad! I'll be thinking about you both! It'll be a hard
weekend---and it's not an overnight cure!---but it will help you decide
which way to go from here.
Best of luck!! We're pulling for you here!
-=-=-=-=-=-
We will all be at the LnL conference. I’m excited about him coming and
going to
the dad’s session – where apparently there are *no* women allowed LOL.
I really
believe that the conference will be an eye opening experience for the
both of
us.
-=-=-=-
Yep. We found that moms tend to kind of....ahhhh...*run the show* if
allowed access. We tend to shut the guys down. This way the guys can
ask questions and break off into smaller groups and discuss and
question and ponder.
I'm really excited you'll be coming! I can't wait to meet you!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
No, he’s not a big reader. He’s more of a visual/meet-in-person type
of guy.
If this were on a dvd (hint, hint) he would watch it – while playing a
video
game LOL. That’s how he pays attention. And if he meets someone in
person
he’ll listen and ask questions. But the reading thing….not so much.
-=-=-=-=
Do you know about Dayna Martin's Youtube videos? Talks about
unschooling and mindful parenting in a "video" format.
Anybody got a quick link? I miss the Link Fairy of groups past! <g>
I'm not a LoA kind of gal, but Dayna has some great videos that could
help a lot. She's very sweet and personable, and that shows in her
videos. She'll be a the NEUConference too.
-=-=-=-=-
Honestly, what’s changed is that he isn’t living here right now :(
It’s not my
plan (or his) for it to remain that way, but it’s just what needed to
happen
right now.
-==-=-
Well, I read that y'all had separated somewhere---and then that things
were better. So I wasn't really sure what was happening.
Ren and her husband split for a while several (wow---many! now that I
think about it) years ago now. It helped them refocus and decide what
they wanted.
-==-=-=-=-
I think at this point he would be pleased to have more tools. And so
would I!
He’s open to learning more and so am I (Retrouvaille next weekend –
thank you
Kelly!)
-=-=-=-=-=-
I'm SOOO glad! I'll be thinking about you both! It'll be a hard
weekend---and it's not an overnight cure!---but it will help you decide
which way to go from here.
Best of luck!! We're pulling for you here!
-=-=-=-=-=-
We will all be at the LnL conference. I’m excited about him coming and
going to
the dad’s session – where apparently there are *no* women allowed LOL.
I really
believe that the conference will be an eye opening experience for the
both of
us.
-=-=-=-
Yep. We found that moms tend to kind of....ahhhh...*run the show* if
allowed access. We tend to shut the guys down. This way the guys can
ask questions and break off into smaller groups and discuss and
question and ponder.
I'm really excited you'll be coming! I can't wait to meet you!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
Meredith
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
>> And as Meredith says (way better than I can): praise hisWell, I think I say something more like "sincere appreciation"
> efforts---no matter how puny---and even if he's not doing much of
> anything different. <g> Meredith, how DO you put this so well?
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
Maisha Khalfani
<<George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition.>>
Yes, I know that I have done this. Even if I dont say anything I give the
look that says I disapprove of what you are doing. For Jabari, who has
always felt unaccepted, it was the same thing as me saying I disapprove of
you. And coming from the home he came from, with the lack of love and tons
of abuse, my criticism did nothing to help him feel better about himself.
As a child I lived in a house of criticism, and the premise was (I guess)
that pointing out what you did wrong helped you not to do it again and to
become a better person. I work hard not to do that with our children, but I
have fallen short of doing it with the one person who is my true partner in
raising them.
I still have more deschooling to do :)
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Meredith
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 7:21 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: FW: shaming
--- In [email protected]
<mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com> , kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition.>>
Yes, I know that I have done this. Even if I dont say anything I give the
look that says I disapprove of what you are doing. For Jabari, who has
always felt unaccepted, it was the same thing as me saying I disapprove of
you. And coming from the home he came from, with the lack of love and tons
of abuse, my criticism did nothing to help him feel better about himself.
As a child I lived in a house of criticism, and the premise was (I guess)
that pointing out what you did wrong helped you not to do it again and to
become a better person. I work hard not to do that with our children, but I
have fallen short of doing it with the one person who is my true partner in
raising them.
I still have more deschooling to do :)
Namasté
be at peace,
Maisha
<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/> Khalfani Family Adventures
When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully;
five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger;
later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a
troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome,
disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is
this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from
the rest? ~ Penelope Leach
Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Meredith
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 7:21 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: FW: shaming
--- In [email protected]
<mailto:unschoolingbasics%40yahoogroups.com> , kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>> And as Meredith says (way better than I can): praise hisWell, I think I say something more like "sincere appreciation"
> efforts---no matter how puny---and even if he's not doing much of
> anything different. <g> Meredith, how DO you put this so well?
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Meredith <meredith@...>
Well, I think I say something more like "sincere appreciation"
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
-=-=-=-
Thanks. I think you nailed it.
I was struggling with "praise" but couldn't wrap my head around
anything better at the moment---even though I knew it wasn't right by a
long shot. <g>
Yeah--it's about honoring him where he is now, which seems so easy with
the children. So much harder with the spouse. Really unfair, in many
ways, but I still do it. :-(
Sincere appreciation for his efforts---no matter how small or
"ineffective" will help him move in a better, kinder direction too.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Meredith <meredith@...>
Well, I think I say something more like "sincere appreciation"
rather than merely "praise" - praise makes it sound like this is
just about behavior and really, its important to get down under the
level of behavior with our partners and connect with the *why* -
what need are they trying to meet? Sometimes its a need to be
a "good dad". That's something that can be honored no matter how
imperfectly they go about it.
I don't know Jabari, except through Maisha's posts, but I know
George, and one of the most valuble things I was able to do for him
as a parenting partner was to offer him lots of appreciation. Even
for small things, as Kelly said, like his ability to wait for Ray to
get to the end of one of his amazing run-on sentences before
interrupting with some important-to-grownups detail like "dinner's
ready". George had received so much criticism for his lack of
parenting skills that he'd kind of given up thinking it was even
possible for him to be a good parent by *any* definition. So hearing
anything positive - real appreciation and honest respect for him as
a person - helped him to feel that he *could* parent better than
what he was doing. It wasn't out of his reach.
-=-=-=-
Thanks. I think you nailed it.
I was struggling with "praise" but couldn't wrap my head around
anything better at the moment---even though I knew it wasn't right by a
long shot. <g>
Yeah--it's about honoring him where he is now, which seems so easy with
the children. So much harder with the spouse. Really unfair, in many
ways, but I still do it. :-(
Sincere appreciation for his efforts---no matter how small or
"ineffective" will help him move in a better, kinder direction too.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org