MrsD

Dear All,

I've been reading this list for some time and this is my first time
posting. I admit. I'm scared! I'm very new to the idea of mindful
parenting and unschooling, but 'thanks' to you guys, I had to leave the
Love and Logic seminar my husband and I went to this last weekend within
the first hour. We had signed up for it in January, and then I joined
this group and now I can't stand the most mainstream style of parenting
out there. Thanks a LOT. ;)

I have a five year old daughter and a two and a half year old son. My
question is, how does mindful parenting deal with sibling fights at this
age. Like, when my daughter takes a toy my son is playing with and
when he obviously wants it back, she ignores his requests, whether he
asks for it verbally or via screaming. Among the many responses I've
had, many of them not ones I'm proud of...the one that has worked most
often is asking her if he sounds like he's happy or unhappy. And then
seeing if she can think of anything that may make him happy. But I
don't see her wanting to stop making him upset in the first place. Can
someone assure me that this will change at some point in her growing up
life? They get along well a lot of the time...it's that 10% that's got
me stumped.

I wonder if others can share their experience with their kids...

Thanks a lot,

Jill

http://www.hamletstreet.com

Meredith

--- In [email protected], MrsD <jjd@...> wrote:
> But I
> don't see her wanting to stop making him upset in the first place.
Can
> someone assure me that this will change at some point in her
growing up
> life?

It will change. Kids don't start life with a whole lot of empathy.
Its something that grows with time, and like anything else with kids
the hows and whens are going to be somewhat variable and not always
look the way you expect it to. Empathy also waxes and wanes a bit
depending on how well a child's needs are being met overall. So if
your dd is having a rough day, she's going to have less energy left
over for empathy toward her bro. That's true for moms, too! Its
tough to be patient and kind and empathize with our kids when we're
tired, stressed, need to pee....

> Like, when my daughter takes a toy my son is playing with and
> when he obviously wants it back, she ignores his requests

What helps the most, ime, is to spend as much time with the kids as
possible - right down on the floor if you can. Try not to get
wrapped up in things like housekeeping or projects when they are
playing close together. You *see* so much more when you're right
there and its easier to see trouble coming and so head it off. If
you need "something to do" get a magazine or really simple hand-
work. Something that doesn't take a huge amount of attention and
that you can drop at a moment's notice.

> They get along well a lot of the time...it's that 10% that's got
> me stumped.

Only 10%????? Wow, I don't think any two members of my family get
along that well! We're all so opinionated and independent.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

Schuyler

One of the things that I did when Simon was 5 and Linnaea was 2 was try and help Linnaea find other things. She often wasn't really interested in the specific item, just wanted something or someone to play with. If it was the specific item I would ask Simon when he was going to be done with it, and Linnaea and I would do something else while waiting. At 2 it was fairly easy to find other things to do. If it happens now, when they are 11 and 8 it is less easy to find something else to distract their focus. So, for example, if they both want to watch a different television show that is on at the same time, it may some doing. Often the show is on an hour later on +1 channel, and a couple of channels in the UK have on-line viewing as well, so those are some options I can quickly explore. Sometimes Simon or Linnaea will have seen the show before and willrelease the television to the other one without any real angst. Sometimes I can't come up with a solution
and there is disappointment and anger. Sometimes the solution doesn't matter, it is the thing, the control, the whatever that was important. The key, for me, is being present, making sure that it doesn't spiral up and out, and not getting angry or frustrated or invested in fixing it myself. As soon as my emotion and energy becomes a part of the mix, it gets explosive.

Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com

=====================

I have a five year old daughter and a two and a half year old son. My
question is, how does mindful parenting deal with sibling fights at this
age. Like, when my daughter takes a toy my son is playing with and
when he obviously wants it back, she ignores his requests, whether he
asks for it verbally or via screaming. Among the many responses I've
had, many of them not ones I'm proud of...the one that has worked most
often is asking her if he sounds like he's happy or unhappy. And then
seeing if she can think of anything that may make him happy. But I
don't see her wanting to stop making him upset in the first place. Can
someone assure me that this will change at some point in her growing up
life? They get along well a lot of the time...it's that 10% that's got
me stumped.







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