Kim Musolff

*** Payge (almost 5) got a drink of water out of the water fountain. Some
water got on her shirt. She hates that. She started to cry, asking
for a dry shirt. We didn't have one with us (mental note always keep
spare clothes in the car). She didn't want to play, she didn't want
to go home, she just wanted a dry shirt. Trying to explain that it
would dry wasn't any help. It wasn't close enough to home to run back
and get one, and the place was closing in an hour anyhow. My first
thought was frustration. Something like "We spent $15 for everyone to
get into this place, and now you're not going to play because your
shirt is wet."
The thought quickly passed, as I tried to find a way to meet her
need.***

Can a "need" sometimes be just to validate feelings?

I have NO IDEA what the situation was like (or the history behind the
situation) for Kendrah and her daughter. I'm sure Kendrah knows her
daughter and the best way to handle this situation. But this post got me
thinking about how I might need to validate my children's feelings more, and
not necessarily "fix" the situation.

Today my son's brand new water gun wouldn't work. He threw a fit. His
sister was outside having fun with hers, and he was stuck inside crying. I
gave him a hug, and tried to fix his gun. When that wouldn't work, I told
him we'd go to the store and see if we could exchange it. (But not today.)
I asked DD if she would mind giving him a turn with hers. She said, "No,"
which I had to respect. DS moped and cried, and I was upset that I couldn't
give him what he needed.

Now I wonder...Did he just need me to help him realize that his feelings
were normal and okay to have? Maybe he didn't want me to fix the problem.

Kim


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Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 28, 2008, at 2:34 AM, Kim Musolff wrote:

> But this post got me
> thinking about how I might need to validate my children's feelings
> more, and
> not necessarily "fix" the situation.

Scott Noelle wrote something recently, one of those "duh" moments ;-)

Kids don't need their feelings validated. They're born knowing their
feelings are valid. It's only when adults start dismissing their
feelings that children might get the idea that there's something
wrong with them.

What kids often want is what adults want: someone to sympathize,
someone who understands what's going on inside of them. It's so
relieving when someone says "I'm sorry, that really stinks when that
happens." (And ruined when followed by a "but"!)

What needs validated is the child's feelings for *you*. You need to
accept that the child's feelings are valid even if you don't
understand or you think it's silly to be that upset over something or
want something.

Joyce




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mary

--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
<jfetteroll@...> wrote:
!)
> You need to
> accept that the child's feelings are valid even if you don't
> understand or you think it's silly to be that upset over something or
> want something.
>
> Joyce
>

This articulates something I have been trying to keep in mind
on this journey of mindful parenting. Thinking back to when I was a
kid or even as an adult when something was important and someone tried
to tell me it wasn't important. Well if it's important to them it is
important-maybe not the most important thing ever but life is full of
things that are important in a host of different ways or on many
different levels.

mary

Pamela Sorooshian

On Apr 28, 2008, at 8:36 PM, Kendrah Nilsestuen wrote:

> I know that each child is different, and every situation is
> different. When Payge is upset about something, the less talking I do
> (at least initially), the better. It really only serves to upset her
> more. If in the midst of her being upset I said "It really stinks
> that your shirt got wet, what a bummer." It would likely worsen the
> situation more than help it.

One of my three kids was always like that, too. I learned to grunt
sympathetically and very unobtrusively.
It sometimes took two or three days before she'd want to talk about
something that was really upsetting her.

-pam




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Kim Musolff

*** Kids don't need their feelings validated.
What kids often want is what adults want: someone to sympathize,
someone who understands what's going on inside of them. It's so
relieving when someone says "I'm sorry, that really stinks when that
happens."***

??????

I thought this is what validating one's feelings is. I'm not sure I'm
getting your point? Do we want to do this or not?

Kim


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Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 29, 2008, at 3:30 AM, Kim Musolff wrote:

> *** Kids don't need their feelings validated.
> What kids often want is what adults want: someone to sympathize,
> someone who understands what's going on inside of them. It's so
> relieving when someone says "I'm sorry, that really stinks when that
> happens."***
>
> ??????
>
> I thought this is what validating one's feelings is. I'm not sure I'm
> getting your point? Do we want to do this or not?

It is the point, but the word validate is the wrong word. Not sure
who labeled it that. It's old. I've heard it for decades. And it
builds the wrong picture for parents who are new to the idea of
supporting their child's feelings.

Validate means support the truth of. When you have your parking
ticket validated by a store it means the parking garage won't take
your word for it that you bought something at the store. The store
needs to validate your word.

And I've seen "validate your child's feelings" used in parenting
advice columns exactly like that. "Let your child know his feelings
are okay."

Kids already know their feelings are truth. They don't need someone
telling them their feelings are all right. (Well, not always. But at
least in terms of this general blanket parenting "rule" to validate
your child's feelings.)

Joyce

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