Parenting Tip - Not!!
alohabun
A couple of months ago, I subscribed to this "hand in hand nurturing
the child connection" newsletter thinking it sounded nice, but have
been angry and saddened at some of the articles that are supposedly
touted as parenting tips. I posted one below that made me cringe.
(Tried to find just a link, but couldn't. So sorry for the long
post.) I can't believe anyone really thinks they are doing good for
their child when they intentionally cause their child to suffer
emotionally, cry and lose trust. (Thank goodness for lists like
this one that promote empowerment, trust, acceptance, and
respectfulness for all family members!)
And yesterday I saw for the first time ever the first part of Nanny
911...I was totally shocked, shocked!! by how the Nanny wants
parents to treat their kids! My almost three year old said, "The
Nanny is stupid!" We were all so upset at how the kids were being
forced in their rooms to go to sleep and how the Nanny sat in the
doorway and blocked the poor child of about 2 or 3 yrs from
following the father while she was having a meltdown! The worst
part (aside from what it did to the child and family) is that people
watching might actually think this is how they "should" be treating
their kids. I wish compassionate, respectful and nurturing people
would be able to promote a healthier lifestyle for these families
instead! Hey, maybe someday unschoolers will have a tv show! Laurie
PARENTING TIP
Putting Limits on Fear
I had about had it with not being able to go to the bathroom alone.
My normally independent and self-directed daughter was going through
a fearful stage where she would literally scream if she discovered
she was alone in a room, even if she could hear you right in the
next one. If she had to go to the bathroom, she wanted you to come
with her. If she needed a toy from upstairs, she would insist she
could not possibly get it without adult company. I was sorry she was
scared, but I wanted to find a way to encourage her back into living
her life without her Mommy-as-security-blanket.
So one Sunday my husband and I spent the whole day with my daughter.
We took her out for the day with some of her friends and then the
three of us had a quiet dinner together at home. When we were
cleaning up the kitchen after our dinner, I asked my daughter to run
upstairs and get the breakfast tray she had left at the foot of my
bed that morning. She refused, saying she was too frightened.
I took a deep breath. It had been a really good day. I thought
maybe it was time for us both to face this fear head on. Setting
limits isn't my favorite part of parenting. I'm not always certain
about when to nurture and when to foster independence, what is an
appropriate challenge and what is asking too much of my child.
I bent down and looked at my daughter. Then, softly but with
certainty, I told her that I knew she could do it and that I would
stand downstairs, where I could see her go down the hall because
there's a balcony. I reminded her that she was safe. She began to
cry and rant that she couldn't get the breakfast tray and she would
not get the tray.
I was in a good place after a nice day together with my daughter and
her stepdad, so I decided to hold the limit and let the feelings
come. I touched her shoulder and softly told her I could see that
she was afraid but that I knew she could do it and I would watch
from downstairs. She insisted she would die of fright. I told her
that I could see she was so scared it felt like she might die, but
that she could do it. We went back and forth like that for 45
minutes which built into shaking and crying and at one point she
even screamed for "Help!" over and over. I don't know where it came
from but there was certainly a big pile of terror packed into that
little girl.
But she eventually did it! When she finally made it down the hall
and got the breakfast tray, she threw the tray as hard as she could
down the stairs, still crying heartily. I gave it back to her. She
threw it two or three more times before carrying it down into the
kitchen. Downstairs she let me hold her while she cried the rest of
the available fears out. "You did it," I reminded her.
Then she sat up, got herself a glass of milk and said, "I'm going to
watch a show before bed." Her stepdad and I stared at one another a
bit shaken from all the emotion. But she just walked off, into
another room, all by herself, without a backwards glance!
I felt so glad she could trust me with that big chunk of terror. If
I had rushed in to rescue her, comforted her, told her I would go
with her to get the tray, she wouldn't have been able to let the
feelings out and all that nasty stuff would still be stuck inside
her festering. This way is loud, shaky and messy, and I know I'm
not helping her perfectly, but at least I know that we can both
survive whatever it is she may need to feel and still be able to
move forward with both our lives.
--Juli Idleman
the child connection" newsletter thinking it sounded nice, but have
been angry and saddened at some of the articles that are supposedly
touted as parenting tips. I posted one below that made me cringe.
(Tried to find just a link, but couldn't. So sorry for the long
post.) I can't believe anyone really thinks they are doing good for
their child when they intentionally cause their child to suffer
emotionally, cry and lose trust. (Thank goodness for lists like
this one that promote empowerment, trust, acceptance, and
respectfulness for all family members!)
And yesterday I saw for the first time ever the first part of Nanny
911...I was totally shocked, shocked!! by how the Nanny wants
parents to treat their kids! My almost three year old said, "The
Nanny is stupid!" We were all so upset at how the kids were being
forced in their rooms to go to sleep and how the Nanny sat in the
doorway and blocked the poor child of about 2 or 3 yrs from
following the father while she was having a meltdown! The worst
part (aside from what it did to the child and family) is that people
watching might actually think this is how they "should" be treating
their kids. I wish compassionate, respectful and nurturing people
would be able to promote a healthier lifestyle for these families
instead! Hey, maybe someday unschoolers will have a tv show! Laurie
PARENTING TIP
Putting Limits on Fear
I had about had it with not being able to go to the bathroom alone.
My normally independent and self-directed daughter was going through
a fearful stage where she would literally scream if she discovered
she was alone in a room, even if she could hear you right in the
next one. If she had to go to the bathroom, she wanted you to come
with her. If she needed a toy from upstairs, she would insist she
could not possibly get it without adult company. I was sorry she was
scared, but I wanted to find a way to encourage her back into living
her life without her Mommy-as-security-blanket.
So one Sunday my husband and I spent the whole day with my daughter.
We took her out for the day with some of her friends and then the
three of us had a quiet dinner together at home. When we were
cleaning up the kitchen after our dinner, I asked my daughter to run
upstairs and get the breakfast tray she had left at the foot of my
bed that morning. She refused, saying she was too frightened.
I took a deep breath. It had been a really good day. I thought
maybe it was time for us both to face this fear head on. Setting
limits isn't my favorite part of parenting. I'm not always certain
about when to nurture and when to foster independence, what is an
appropriate challenge and what is asking too much of my child.
I bent down and looked at my daughter. Then, softly but with
certainty, I told her that I knew she could do it and that I would
stand downstairs, where I could see her go down the hall because
there's a balcony. I reminded her that she was safe. She began to
cry and rant that she couldn't get the breakfast tray and she would
not get the tray.
I was in a good place after a nice day together with my daughter and
her stepdad, so I decided to hold the limit and let the feelings
come. I touched her shoulder and softly told her I could see that
she was afraid but that I knew she could do it and I would watch
from downstairs. She insisted she would die of fright. I told her
that I could see she was so scared it felt like she might die, but
that she could do it. We went back and forth like that for 45
minutes which built into shaking and crying and at one point she
even screamed for "Help!" over and over. I don't know where it came
from but there was certainly a big pile of terror packed into that
little girl.
But she eventually did it! When she finally made it down the hall
and got the breakfast tray, she threw the tray as hard as she could
down the stairs, still crying heartily. I gave it back to her. She
threw it two or three more times before carrying it down into the
kitchen. Downstairs she let me hold her while she cried the rest of
the available fears out. "You did it," I reminded her.
Then she sat up, got herself a glass of milk and said, "I'm going to
watch a show before bed." Her stepdad and I stared at one another a
bit shaken from all the emotion. But she just walked off, into
another room, all by herself, without a backwards glance!
I felt so glad she could trust me with that big chunk of terror. If
I had rushed in to rescue her, comforted her, told her I would go
with her to get the tray, she wouldn't have been able to let the
feelings out and all that nasty stuff would still be stuck inside
her festering. This way is loud, shaky and messy, and I know I'm
not helping her perfectly, but at least I know that we can both
survive whatever it is she may need to feel and still be able to
move forward with both our lives.
--Juli Idleman
:: anne | arun ::
> A couple of months ago, I subscribed to this "hand in hand nurturingim on that newsletter also, the web site is http://
> the child connection" newsletter thinking it sounded nice, but have
> been angry and saddened at some of the articles that are supposedly
> touted as parenting tips.
www.handinhandparenting.org
i dont read all the newsletters but the one you cut & pasted sounds
consistent with their approach which is similar to aletha solther
(aware parenting) about the need to allow children to "release"/
express their emotions.
Both aletha solther and paddy wifler (paddy is the main person behind
the hand in hand site) seem to think that parents must decide when
that release should happen and use limits / boundaries to help it
come. They try to make sure its happening from a place of connection
(so in the article you sent the family spent the day together before
the limit was imposed), but still see it as an externally imposed event.
aletha solther in my opinion goes further along this path � she
encourages the practice of holding young children and allowing them
to cry in your arms (from memory up to the age of 6 but im not sure).
To her credit Paddy Wifler tends to focus more on playful releases
but still the idea of limits persists with both.
While not everyone agrees with "holding"... the idea of limits to
encourage releasing seems to be extremely common even in
"alternative" circles.
i really disagree with the limit/ release thing and had a similar
reaction to you about that article.... but that saidive found both
Paddy Wifler & Aletha Solther's stuff to be very useful. Their value
is particularly in identifying the value of expressing emotions and
ironically both have quite a lot of unschooling themes in their
writing (for example solther was one of the first writers i read who
argued that babies can regulate their own food and should be given
choice to graze etc)
If you read the stuff knowing you are not going to agree with chunks
of it but looking for the useful gems then the hand in hand site is
still quite interesting. I particlarly recommend the articles page
which is:
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles.html
actually i reprinted one of her articles on my site ages ago at:
http://theparentingpit.com/alternative-parenting/the-possible-and-
impossible-in-parenting/
its about letting go of control and approaching parenting as being a
learner � which struck me as very unschooly themes.
i guess im saying... yes i agree, that particular article and the
belief system behind it also gives me shudders. However maybe dont
give up on that newsletter and particularly the list of articles just
yet.
all the best
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
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