[unschoolingbasics] Re: Indpendence VS. Interdependence was Limits & parenting
Jeanette Crichton
*** I have an 18 year old that is looking at moving out this summer. Is he
truly independent? Nope. I don't think that is the goal of life.
Interdependence is really healthier than independence anyway.
Partnering with our children is one way to achieve that.***
And another thought.......WHO will my children depend on? I depend on my mom and my sister for nearly all of my support in life and have found a few close friends similar to them to depend on. They trust me, they never judge me, they truly know me! I had a much different upbringing than many that I have heard on this list.
My husband on the other hand has no one in his family to depend on (except to buy him things, and give us all kinds of great things!). No one in his family trusts his decisions, they're always judging each other, and their relationships are so full of lies that none of them truly knows the others. He still struggles with trying to do the impossible-please his family. He is an awesome guy (so kind, so loving, has true passions, BA in nursing, MFA in animation, athletic, supports his family, and the list goes on) with so much to be proud of, but all he can see is his shortcomings in the eyes of his parents. The problem is that he has very rarely done things because he trusts himself to make the right decision, he does things to please his parents-and it has backfired MANY times.
I turned to unschooling and peaceful parenting because I want an awesome relationship with my kids that will last. I want my kids to depend on me, my husband and others that they trust. I love that I still need my mom, sister and other friends. People have always seen me as being so independent and confident because they don't see my support system. I get what I need from the people that I surround myself with (usually on the phone these days, because we are so far apart). My poor mom has come to expect a "breakdown" of some sort from me when we get together. It's almost as if I save up my needs that she is specifically good at hearing me out on. Needs that can't be met over the phone.
People are always shocked when I talk about the "neediness" of my children when it's just us together, it's so different than the confident, independent children that they appear to be. I think they can feel so confident when we go out into the world because their needs are met or they know that they will be. Oh and you can bet, that if we're out and about, and a new need arises they know all the right people to turn to (although it's usually me-especially for emotional needs : )
*** I have an 18 year old that is looking at moving out this summer. Is he
truly independent? Nope. I don't think that is the goal of life.
Interdependence is really healthier than independence anyway.
Partnering with our children is one way to achieve that.***
Wow! I just had an "aha" moment! If independence isn't the goal, I need to
look at this in a whole new way! You're right. It wouldn't be very
fulfilling or even healthy to become a truly independent person, right?
Everyone needs someone (preferably MANY someones!) in their life. I need to
think about this some more....
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
truly independent? Nope. I don't think that is the goal of life.
Interdependence is really healthier than independence anyway.
Partnering with our children is one way to achieve that.***
And another thought.......WHO will my children depend on? I depend on my mom and my sister for nearly all of my support in life and have found a few close friends similar to them to depend on. They trust me, they never judge me, they truly know me! I had a much different upbringing than many that I have heard on this list.
My husband on the other hand has no one in his family to depend on (except to buy him things, and give us all kinds of great things!). No one in his family trusts his decisions, they're always judging each other, and their relationships are so full of lies that none of them truly knows the others. He still struggles with trying to do the impossible-please his family. He is an awesome guy (so kind, so loving, has true passions, BA in nursing, MFA in animation, athletic, supports his family, and the list goes on) with so much to be proud of, but all he can see is his shortcomings in the eyes of his parents. The problem is that he has very rarely done things because he trusts himself to make the right decision, he does things to please his parents-and it has backfired MANY times.
I turned to unschooling and peaceful parenting because I want an awesome relationship with my kids that will last. I want my kids to depend on me, my husband and others that they trust. I love that I still need my mom, sister and other friends. People have always seen me as being so independent and confident because they don't see my support system. I get what I need from the people that I surround myself with (usually on the phone these days, because we are so far apart). My poor mom has come to expect a "breakdown" of some sort from me when we get together. It's almost as if I save up my needs that she is specifically good at hearing me out on. Needs that can't be met over the phone.
People are always shocked when I talk about the "neediness" of my children when it's just us together, it's so different than the confident, independent children that they appear to be. I think they can feel so confident when we go out into the world because their needs are met or they know that they will be. Oh and you can bet, that if we're out and about, and a new need arises they know all the right people to turn to (although it's usually me-especially for emotional needs : )
*** I have an 18 year old that is looking at moving out this summer. Is he
truly independent? Nope. I don't think that is the goal of life.
Interdependence is really healthier than independence anyway.
Partnering with our children is one way to achieve that.***
Wow! I just had an "aha" moment! If independence isn't the goal, I need to
look at this in a whole new way! You're right. It wouldn't be very
fulfilling or even healthy to become a truly independent person, right?
Everyone needs someone (preferably MANY someones!) in their life. I need to
think about this some more....
Kim
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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