how can I get dh on board with peaceful parenting?
Stephanie Tavera
We started unschooling in December and since then I've been trying to
be more peaceful/calm with my kids. I bought Connection Parenting and
loaded it on my dh's ipod. I don't even think he listened to the whole
thing. Anyway, last night Romeo (age 9) was in his room crying. So I
went in to see what was wrong. He was upset because his lego house had
came apart. Dh heard him and came in Romeo's room too. Dh wanted to
know what was wrong. So Romeo explained that he was upset that his
lego house had came apart and that now he'd have to put it back
together again. Dh said something like oh it'll be ok and don't cry
about it! So then Dh left the room and he heard Romeo crying again
about it. So he went back in Romeo's room and this time yelled at him
and said, " Why are you crying? and he repeated it like 4 times. Romeo
was just sobbing then and so he grabbed him by the ear and yanked him
off the bed. Then said," I said stop crying! Pick up all your legos
now". I was in the living room with the little ones but he was loud
enough and so I could hear the whole convo. So I went in and Romeo was
crying hard this time and his ear was bright red. And so I asked Dh
what was wrong. I then tried to help Romeo pick up his legos so Dh
wouldn't be mad anymore. Then when we were done picking up legos I
followed Dh into the living room. I said," What's the big deal?" I
mean if he wants to cry in his room why don't you let him?" He's not
bothering anyone. " He's upset about his legos." And dh says " he is
crying and he is bothering someone". Then Romeo who followed us into
the living room says something. I can't remember but then Dh says stop
yelling at me and repeated that like 3 times. I didn't think he was
yelling he just talks a little bit louder than most people. It really
bugs dh though. Then Romeo raised his hand or touched his head or
something and Dh says don't think you're going to hit me cause it
will never happen! I mean he overreacts and is so hard on Romeo. Then
Dh goes to our room and we don't talk to each other. I know he was mad
because I said something to him and especially in front of the kids.
He doesn't like me telling him not to do this or that with Romeo and I
don't know what else to do or how to handle this. I thought by putting
that Connection Parenting on his ipod that he'd understand. But he
just doesn't agree with kids being our equals. Please help me!
Stephanie
Mama to Romeo, Destiny, and Isabella
be more peaceful/calm with my kids. I bought Connection Parenting and
loaded it on my dh's ipod. I don't even think he listened to the whole
thing. Anyway, last night Romeo (age 9) was in his room crying. So I
went in to see what was wrong. He was upset because his lego house had
came apart. Dh heard him and came in Romeo's room too. Dh wanted to
know what was wrong. So Romeo explained that he was upset that his
lego house had came apart and that now he'd have to put it back
together again. Dh said something like oh it'll be ok and don't cry
about it! So then Dh left the room and he heard Romeo crying again
about it. So he went back in Romeo's room and this time yelled at him
and said, " Why are you crying? and he repeated it like 4 times. Romeo
was just sobbing then and so he grabbed him by the ear and yanked him
off the bed. Then said," I said stop crying! Pick up all your legos
now". I was in the living room with the little ones but he was loud
enough and so I could hear the whole convo. So I went in and Romeo was
crying hard this time and his ear was bright red. And so I asked Dh
what was wrong. I then tried to help Romeo pick up his legos so Dh
wouldn't be mad anymore. Then when we were done picking up legos I
followed Dh into the living room. I said," What's the big deal?" I
mean if he wants to cry in his room why don't you let him?" He's not
bothering anyone. " He's upset about his legos." And dh says " he is
crying and he is bothering someone". Then Romeo who followed us into
the living room says something. I can't remember but then Dh says stop
yelling at me and repeated that like 3 times. I didn't think he was
yelling he just talks a little bit louder than most people. It really
bugs dh though. Then Romeo raised his hand or touched his head or
something and Dh says don't think you're going to hit me cause it
will never happen! I mean he overreacts and is so hard on Romeo. Then
Dh goes to our room and we don't talk to each other. I know he was mad
because I said something to him and especially in front of the kids.
He doesn't like me telling him not to do this or that with Romeo and I
don't know what else to do or how to handle this. I thought by putting
that Connection Parenting on his ipod that he'd understand. But he
just doesn't agree with kids being our equals. Please help me!
Stephanie
Mama to Romeo, Destiny, and Isabella
Karen
I think alot of husbands don't like to be given homework
assginments, and that may be why he didn't listen to it.
I also think it is a good idea to let everyone cool off and wait for
the right moment to talk about differences in parenting styles, esp
when you are going to tell someone you don't agree with what they are
doing. He is probably feeling defensive, and he is reaction was
based on the way he was treated when he was a child.
By DH and I have some big parenting differences. Occasionally he
over reacts and I pick up the pieces.
The most effective thing I have found to change my DH mind, is to
practice peaceful parenting. When he sees things working for me, he
tries them. When I see him doing something that works, I comment on
how well it worked. For instance, Logan (4) has had a terrible time
adjusting to the Sunday School class I teach. DH is helping me with
the class. DH has tried getting angry, time-outs, etc to get Logan
to join in the class. Still, Sunday after Sunday, Logan refused to
participate for the most part. Then one Sunday, DH spent a little
time play wrestling Logan, when he started his normal refusal. Next
thing you know Logan was happily participating in class. I commented
how amazing that Logan participated after DH got done play
wrestling. Since then, DH uses that tactic and Sunday School is
smoother for everyone.
So it is kinda like I unschool my DH, giving him room to find what
works for him. I'm the primary caregiver, so I think the occasional
overreaction my DH isn't going to be harmful long term.
--- In [email protected], Stephanie Tavera
<familiatavera@...> wrote:
assginments, and that may be why he didn't listen to it.
I also think it is a good idea to let everyone cool off and wait for
the right moment to talk about differences in parenting styles, esp
when you are going to tell someone you don't agree with what they are
doing. He is probably feeling defensive, and he is reaction was
based on the way he was treated when he was a child.
By DH and I have some big parenting differences. Occasionally he
over reacts and I pick up the pieces.
The most effective thing I have found to change my DH mind, is to
practice peaceful parenting. When he sees things working for me, he
tries them. When I see him doing something that works, I comment on
how well it worked. For instance, Logan (4) has had a terrible time
adjusting to the Sunday School class I teach. DH is helping me with
the class. DH has tried getting angry, time-outs, etc to get Logan
to join in the class. Still, Sunday after Sunday, Logan refused to
participate for the most part. Then one Sunday, DH spent a little
time play wrestling Logan, when he started his normal refusal. Next
thing you know Logan was happily participating in class. I commented
how amazing that Logan participated after DH got done play
wrestling. Since then, DH uses that tactic and Sunday School is
smoother for everyone.
So it is kinda like I unschool my DH, giving him room to find what
works for him. I'm the primary caregiver, so I think the occasional
overreaction my DH isn't going to be harmful long term.
--- In [email protected], Stephanie Tavera
<familiatavera@...> wrote:
>to
> We started unschooling in December and since then I've been trying
> be more peaceful/calm with my kids. I bought Connection Parentingand
> loaded it on my dh's ipod. I don't even think he listened to thewhole
> thing. > Stephanie
> Mama to Romeo, Destiny, and Isabella
>
[email protected]
I hate answering these, but no one else has bitten. <g>
I was in your same spot. And looking back, I would handle it
differently than I did---which was to stop Ben's arm mid-whack and
say---YELL---that if he did that again it would be the *last* time
'cause I'd take the kids and move somewhere he'd never find us and he'd
never get to even *touch* the boys again.
It took us all a while to heal. But I didn't let him alone with the
boys and always intervened before things escalated. Eventually he got
it. Now he's damned good at it. <g>
Here's what I'd recommend. Tell him that you feel it's your job to
protect each and every member of your family and that he may NOT hurt
anyone you love on purpose again. That you wouldn't let anyone hurt
*him* either and that home needs to be SAFE for *everyone*.
What he's doing us probably EXACTLY what was done to him---probably
word-for-word and blow-for-blow. He truly knows no better. Keep in mind
that he was a hurt and sensitive little boy---just like Romeo. If you
can get him alone and ask how he felt when his father did that to him,
maybe he'll open up and remember how small and powerless he felt. He
needs to remember how it felt when he was scared of someone he loves.
That may take some time though.
But while the two of you work through that, I would NOT let him go
check on things without me *right there* to intervene. EVER!
Romeo needs to know he can count on you to protect him more than your
husband needs to be all-powerful. And both need to know that you will
be that protector. If not *you*, WHO?
Oh---how's your husband's relationship with *his* father? Is that what
he wants for him and Romeo?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: Stephanie Tavera <familiatavera@...>
We started unschooling in December and since then I've been trying to
be more peaceful/calm with my kids. I bought Connection Parenting and
loaded it on my dh's ipod. I don't even think he listened to the whole
thing. Anyway, last night Romeo (age 9) was in his room crying. So I
went in to see what was wrong. He was upset because his lego house had
came apart. Dh heard him and came in Romeo's room too. Dh wanted to
know what was wrong. So Romeo explained that he was upset that his
lego house had came apart and that now he'd have to put it back
together again. Dh said something like oh it'll be ok and don't cry
about it! So then Dh left the room and he heard Romeo crying again
about it. So he went back in Romeo's room and this time yelled at him
and said, " Why are you crying? and he repeated it like 4 times. Romeo
was just sobbing then and so he grabbed him by the ear and yanked him
off the bed. Then said," I said stop crying! Pick up all your legos
now". I was in the living room with the little ones but he was loud
enough and so I could hear the whole convo. So I went in and Romeo was
crying hard this time and his ear was bright red. And so I asked Dh
what was wrong. I then tried to help Romeo pick up his legos so Dh
wouldn't be mad anymore. Then when we were done picking up legos I
followed Dh into the living room. I said," What's the big deal?" I
mean if he wants to cry in his room why don't you let him?" He's not
bothering anyone. " He's upset about his legos." And dh says " he is
crying and he is bothering someone". Then Romeo who followed us into
the living room says something. I can't remember but then Dh says stop
yelling at me and repeated that like 3 times. I didn't think he was
yelling he just talks a little bit louder than most people. It really
bugs dh though. Then Romeo raised his hand or touched his head or
something and Dh says don't think you're going to hit me cause it
will never happen! I mean he overreacts and is so hard on Romeo. Then
Dh goes to our room and we don't talk to each other. I know he was mad
because I said something to him and especially in front of the kids.
He doesn't like me telling him not to do this or that with Romeo and I
don't know what else to do or how to handle this. I thought by putting
that Connection Parenting on his ipod that he'd understand. But he
just doesn't agree with kids being our equals. Please help me!
I was in your same spot. And looking back, I would handle it
differently than I did---which was to stop Ben's arm mid-whack and
say---YELL---that if he did that again it would be the *last* time
'cause I'd take the kids and move somewhere he'd never find us and he'd
never get to even *touch* the boys again.
It took us all a while to heal. But I didn't let him alone with the
boys and always intervened before things escalated. Eventually he got
it. Now he's damned good at it. <g>
Here's what I'd recommend. Tell him that you feel it's your job to
protect each and every member of your family and that he may NOT hurt
anyone you love on purpose again. That you wouldn't let anyone hurt
*him* either and that home needs to be SAFE for *everyone*.
What he's doing us probably EXACTLY what was done to him---probably
word-for-word and blow-for-blow. He truly knows no better. Keep in mind
that he was a hurt and sensitive little boy---just like Romeo. If you
can get him alone and ask how he felt when his father did that to him,
maybe he'll open up and remember how small and powerless he felt. He
needs to remember how it felt when he was scared of someone he loves.
That may take some time though.
But while the two of you work through that, I would NOT let him go
check on things without me *right there* to intervene. EVER!
Romeo needs to know he can count on you to protect him more than your
husband needs to be all-powerful. And both need to know that you will
be that protector. If not *you*, WHO?
Oh---how's your husband's relationship with *his* father? Is that what
he wants for him and Romeo?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: Stephanie Tavera <familiatavera@...>
We started unschooling in December and since then I've been trying to
be more peaceful/calm with my kids. I bought Connection Parenting and
loaded it on my dh's ipod. I don't even think he listened to the whole
thing. Anyway, last night Romeo (age 9) was in his room crying. So I
went in to see what was wrong. He was upset because his lego house had
came apart. Dh heard him and came in Romeo's room too. Dh wanted to
know what was wrong. So Romeo explained that he was upset that his
lego house had came apart and that now he'd have to put it back
together again. Dh said something like oh it'll be ok and don't cry
about it! So then Dh left the room and he heard Romeo crying again
about it. So he went back in Romeo's room and this time yelled at him
and said, " Why are you crying? and he repeated it like 4 times. Romeo
was just sobbing then and so he grabbed him by the ear and yanked him
off the bed. Then said," I said stop crying! Pick up all your legos
now". I was in the living room with the little ones but he was loud
enough and so I could hear the whole convo. So I went in and Romeo was
crying hard this time and his ear was bright red. And so I asked Dh
what was wrong. I then tried to help Romeo pick up his legos so Dh
wouldn't be mad anymore. Then when we were done picking up legos I
followed Dh into the living room. I said," What's the big deal?" I
mean if he wants to cry in his room why don't you let him?" He's not
bothering anyone. " He's upset about his legos." And dh says " he is
crying and he is bothering someone". Then Romeo who followed us into
the living room says something. I can't remember but then Dh says stop
yelling at me and repeated that like 3 times. I didn't think he was
yelling he just talks a little bit louder than most people. It really
bugs dh though. Then Romeo raised his hand or touched his head or
something and Dh says don't think you're going to hit me cause it
will never happen! I mean he overreacts and is so hard on Romeo. Then
Dh goes to our room and we don't talk to each other. I know he was mad
because I said something to him and especially in front of the kids.
He doesn't like me telling him not to do this or that with Romeo and I
don't know what else to do or how to handle this. I thought by putting
that Connection Parenting on his ipod that he'd understand. But he
just doesn't agree with kids being our equals. Please help me!
Ulrike Haupt
Kelly
Thank you for taking up the answering. You expressed what I felt when I read the original post. On the one hand that is how I have done it, too. Namely protecting the little one.But there is more to it in the setup of the family as you said, too. Healing the hurt little boy in the big man.
OK, I have a similar situation at present with the grandchildren. Ariëlla, 14 months, is getting massive NO's at present. And all of them are just handed down from previous lives. This has to stop here and now! Charlotte and the girls are coming again on Sunday for the week and I'll have 'the talk' with my husband before that. Thank you Kelly for reminding me.
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thank you for taking up the answering. You expressed what I felt when I read the original post. On the one hand that is how I have done it, too. Namely protecting the little one.But there is more to it in the setup of the family as you said, too. Healing the hurt little boy in the big man.
OK, I have a similar situation at present with the grandchildren. Ariëlla, 14 months, is getting massive NO's at present. And all of them are just handed down from previous lives. This has to stop here and now! Charlotte and the girls are coming again on Sunday for the week and I'll have 'the talk' with my husband before that. Thank you Kelly for reminding me.
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
I started this yesterday before the other replies. It repeats quite a
bit of what was already said but I'll send it anyway :-)
What if he wanted you to be more authoritarian? Would reprimanding
you in front of the kids help you feel like adopting his ways? Would
loading a book about it on your iPod help? Would jumping in when you
were parenting how you thought best help?
How could he get you to change to his way?
I think talking about what you'd like to accomplish with the kids
while not in the midst of a crisis will help. That you want to be
someone your kids trust to come to with a problem not someone they're
afraid of. Make it *your* deal not something you want to impose on
him. But as others suggested home should be a place where *everyone*
feels safe and if anyone's pulling anyone else's ears it needs to stop.
When he hears Romeo crying he feels a huge shame building up in him
at how wrong it is -- the shame that his parents instilled in him for
crying -- and he needs to stop it.
You might suggest during your talk away from the crisis that if he's
trying to figure out what to about Romeo that, as was suggested on
another list, he be the parent he wished he'd had. Do what he wished
his parents would have done for him rather than what they did do.
It may come up that he needs Romeo quiet or to behave or whatever.
But Romeo needs to feel safe to be sad or angry. Talk about what he
can do instead of trying to make Romeo be quiet. He's a hurt boy too
and he needs some help too.
Joyce
bit of what was already said but I'll send it anyway :-)
> how can I get dh on board with peaceful parenting?I think, first off, by not trying to change him.
What if he wanted you to be more authoritarian? Would reprimanding
you in front of the kids help you feel like adopting his ways? Would
loading a book about it on your iPod help? Would jumping in when you
were parenting how you thought best help?
How could he get you to change to his way?
I think talking about what you'd like to accomplish with the kids
while not in the midst of a crisis will help. That you want to be
someone your kids trust to come to with a problem not someone they're
afraid of. Make it *your* deal not something you want to impose on
him. But as others suggested home should be a place where *everyone*
feels safe and if anyone's pulling anyone else's ears it needs to stop.
> So he went back in Romeo's room and this time yelled at himIt's quite possible that this is the way his parents reacted to him.
> and said, " Why are you crying? and he repeated it like 4 times.
When he hears Romeo crying he feels a huge shame building up in him
at how wrong it is -- the shame that his parents instilled in him for
crying -- and he needs to stop it.
You might suggest during your talk away from the crisis that if he's
trying to figure out what to about Romeo that, as was suggested on
another list, he be the parent he wished he'd had. Do what he wished
his parents would have done for him rather than what they did do.
It may come up that he needs Romeo quiet or to behave or whatever.
But Romeo needs to feel safe to be sad or angry. Talk about what he
can do instead of trying to make Romeo be quiet. He's a hurt boy too
and he needs some help too.
Joyce
Stephanie Tavera
> Romeo needs to know he can count on you to protect him more thanYes I feel like I'm always defending Romeo. But you all are right I
> your husband needs to be all-powerful. And both need to know that
> you will
> be that protector. If not *you*, WHO?
>
> Oh---how's your husband's relationship with *his* father? Is that what
> he wants for him and Romeo?
need to wait when everything is calm/fine or whatever and just talk
about this. My dh's mother died when he was 2 so he doesn't remember
her well. His father remarried a year later and had 4 kids with his
new wife. Dh was raised by his older siblings. Whenever he did see his
dad, his dad was very strict and did give the belt, yell, whatever if
needed.
Stephanie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Stephanie Tavera <familiatavera@...>
Yes I feel like I'm always defending Romeo. But you all are right I
need to wait when everything is calm/fine or whatever and just talk
about this. My dh's mother died when he was 2 so he doesn't remember
her well. His father remarried a year later and had 4 kids with his
new wife. Dh was raised by his older siblings. Whenever he did see his
dad, his dad was very strict and did give the belt, yell, whatever if
needed.
-=-=-=-=-
That's REALLY, REALLY helpful!
So he never really had a strong mom who was *his* protector and
nurturer. AND he doesn't have a gentle dad-role model.
Ok---put yourself there. You're five. Your real mom's dead. Your
step-mom has four older kids or four tiny ones (can't tell by the
description)---either way, doesn't have time for *you*. You're raised
by older siblings (children who probably don't have a lot of skills in
handling smaller children---probably weren't a lot modeled for *them*
either!). ANd your father's MO was to use the belt and yell.
Doesn't that SUCK??!!
Find a quiet time and talk a LOT about this. Find out what he would
have liked to have had done when he was little. Suggest that maybe
Romeo could have a better relationship with him as a father IF he
wanted to. The only person that can change him is His-Own-Self---but
that YOU are there to help him.
If he does want to change, maybe come up with a secret "cue" word that
either of you can use with the other: something you can say to him if
you think he's getting out of control and something he can say to you
when he's feeling about to burst.
***IMPORTANT*** When either of you uses the word, the the behavior MUST
STOP NOW!
If you say it, he needs to back off and let you handle it.
If he says it, you must be willing to stop whatever you are doing to
help him out.
It's important for him to know that you aren't saying he's a bad dad.
It's just that you know he needs help in this "low skills" area of his
and that you won't criticize him for his bad decisions. He needs to put
more tools in his tool box. Right now, all he has is 1) yelling and 2)
ear-pinching (Does he need his own ear pinched to remember how that
feels?) He may feel that he's doing better than his own dad because
he's NOT using the belt. That doesn't mean it's *good* to ear pinch?
No, but for *him* it might be a step in the right direction. He just
needs a LOT more tools.
He needs to feel supported---AND *NOT* out of control.
YOU need to know that your children are as safe and and happy as you
wish he had been when he was little. Tell him if *YOU* had been his
mom, you wold NEVER have allowed him to be treated like that.
But you aren't his mom, you're *Romeo's* mom.
Commiserate with him if he will allow himself to mourn for that little
boy that he was. And ask whether he's willing to work WITH you to keep
Romeo and the other children safe and comforted.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: Stephanie Tavera <familiatavera@...>
Yes I feel like I'm always defending Romeo. But you all are right I
need to wait when everything is calm/fine or whatever and just talk
about this. My dh's mother died when he was 2 so he doesn't remember
her well. His father remarried a year later and had 4 kids with his
new wife. Dh was raised by his older siblings. Whenever he did see his
dad, his dad was very strict and did give the belt, yell, whatever if
needed.
-=-=-=-=-
That's REALLY, REALLY helpful!
So he never really had a strong mom who was *his* protector and
nurturer. AND he doesn't have a gentle dad-role model.
Ok---put yourself there. You're five. Your real mom's dead. Your
step-mom has four older kids or four tiny ones (can't tell by the
description)---either way, doesn't have time for *you*. You're raised
by older siblings (children who probably don't have a lot of skills in
handling smaller children---probably weren't a lot modeled for *them*
either!). ANd your father's MO was to use the belt and yell.
Doesn't that SUCK??!!
Find a quiet time and talk a LOT about this. Find out what he would
have liked to have had done when he was little. Suggest that maybe
Romeo could have a better relationship with him as a father IF he
wanted to. The only person that can change him is His-Own-Self---but
that YOU are there to help him.
If he does want to change, maybe come up with a secret "cue" word that
either of you can use with the other: something you can say to him if
you think he's getting out of control and something he can say to you
when he's feeling about to burst.
***IMPORTANT*** When either of you uses the word, the the behavior MUST
STOP NOW!
If you say it, he needs to back off and let you handle it.
If he says it, you must be willing to stop whatever you are doing to
help him out.
It's important for him to know that you aren't saying he's a bad dad.
It's just that you know he needs help in this "low skills" area of his
and that you won't criticize him for his bad decisions. He needs to put
more tools in his tool box. Right now, all he has is 1) yelling and 2)
ear-pinching (Does he need his own ear pinched to remember how that
feels?) He may feel that he's doing better than his own dad because
he's NOT using the belt. That doesn't mean it's *good* to ear pinch?
No, but for *him* it might be a step in the right direction. He just
needs a LOT more tools.
He needs to feel supported---AND *NOT* out of control.
YOU need to know that your children are as safe and and happy as you
wish he had been when he was little. Tell him if *YOU* had been his
mom, you wold NEVER have allowed him to be treated like that.
But you aren't his mom, you're *Romeo's* mom.
Commiserate with him if he will allow himself to mourn for that little
boy that he was. And ask whether he's willing to work WITH you to keep
Romeo and the other children safe and comforted.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
Ren Allen
~~
Yes I feel like I'm always defending Romeo. But you all are right I
need to wait when everything is calm/fine or whatever and just talk
about this. ~~
That's all fine and dandy, but your child also needs protection in the
heat of the moment. I would have NO problem letting my partner know
this is not acceptable and I will not stand by while the child is
being harmed.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
Yes I feel like I'm always defending Romeo. But you all are right I
need to wait when everything is calm/fine or whatever and just talk
about this. ~~
That's all fine and dandy, but your child also needs protection in the
heat of the moment. I would have NO problem letting my partner know
this is not acceptable and I will not stand by while the child is
being harmed.
Ren
learninginfreedom.com