Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

Hi all,

Lately I've been reading Valerie's book "The Unprocessed Child" (and really
enjoying it, Valerie!) She has a quote at the beginning of one of her
chapters that I'd like to post and invite stories about. It spoke volumes
to me about what I strive (not always so well in ALL areas) to do with my
children, and it feels particularly important in reference to the children
who are different from the norm and whom world is telling us to "fix" and
worry about ... Not too surprisingly this quote starts Valerie's chapter
entitled "Acceptance" and it is:

"Stop trying to perfect your child, but keep trying to perfect your
relationship with him." Dr. Henker

I know for me right now my son (3.7 yrs), who fits the inflexble-explosive
model has been very challenging. Due to the wonderful suggestions in "The
Explosive Child" that I have done, his rages have greatly diminished, he has
hardly any right now, but he is doing more lately of sort of casual hitting
of his sister in particular and me. Obviously physical safety is important
for all of us and for me it is something of a hot button issue as I came
from an abusive childhood environment so it's hard for me to remain calm
about it. It's hard for me not to approach the situation from a "fix it"
and "fix the behavior" perspective. Obviously yes, I am going to prevent
and stop the hurtful behavior, but I have come to ponder on the fact that my
son always has the choice to make of doing it again and the only thing
that's going to get us both to a better place of understanding about the
needs of each other (his need behind hitting, my need in having everyone be
safe) is if I stop thinking about it from a "fixing" and "perfecting him"
perspective and focus on making my relationship with him better. That means
understanding better what triggers him, trying to better understand it from
his point of view, and calming myself down enough to do that.

Anyone else have any challenges to share that this quote inspires, or any
hallmark moments with your child where you changed from trying to perfect
your child to trying to perfect your relationship? How did it go? I'd love
to be inspired by you and your child...

Joan

************************
"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than
live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." ... Harry
Emerson Fosdick

mamaaj2000

--- In [email protected], "Joan Labbe & Salvatore
Genovese" <salgenovese@w...> wrote:
Due to the wonderful suggestions in "The
> Explosive Child" that I have done, his rages have greatly
diminished, he has
> hardly any right now, but he is doing more lately of sort of casual
hitting
> of his sister in particular and me.

Joan, I'm so glad to hear this!

>It's hard for me not to approach the situation from a "fix it"
> and "fix the behavior" perspective.

Me too. I am an only child and have always been horrified by how
siblings treat each other and how parents LET THEM. I used to
completely over-react. I'm learning to chill. I think it was on the
AP-Discipline list that I learned the phrase "gentle words, gentle
touch" which have helped me a lot. I sound darn silly yelling that,
so it helps me calm down and reminds me to go over and model it. If
I'm not getting upset or mad, I can listen to what the child is upset
about and help.

I've been really stressed about having near zero energy and how
little the kids have been doing, etc. etc. While there have been
times where they were bored and unhappy, I'm learning to see that
actually, those times are rare. While they would prefer we were out
and about more, they are doing fine. Instead of worrying about _what_
we are doing, I'm looking to connect first and worry later!

--aj

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/9/2004 8:39:40 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
salgenovese@... writes:

Anyone else have any challenges to share that this quote inspires, or any
hallmark moments with your child where you changed from trying to perfect
your child to trying to perfect your relationship? How did it go? I'd love
to be inspired by you and your child...

Joan



Joan, I put that quote from Valerie's book on my fridge!

I have a nearly 8YO who was a hitter when he was your child's age. I have
no quick answers, but he rarely hits now...so something went right!

I will say, in the spirit of the "perfecting our relationships, not our
children" quote, when I find my kids are not getting along with each other or us,
that is always the time to really work on perfecting our relationship. For
us, perhaps taking an afternoon away from home in a quiet park where I will
play with them however they like. I'll take a bag full of books or toys,
perhaps something we haven't done in awhile. If one child is having a hard time,
we'll go to a favorite restaurant or the store to pick out a new toy.
Sometimes I join them in something they usually do without me. It all sounds like
unschooling, but I see it as I time to really refocus myself on my child
without the other demands of my life getting in the way. The dishes and phone
calls are put on hold for awhile.

I usually find that it is me that needs to change, not the child or the
behavior that needs to be fixed. And unfortunately it usually takes me a couple
of days to catch on!! But I know that when the relationship is the focus,
life is much more joyful for everyone involved and the behaviors that are hard
to live with tend to disappear. The hard part for me is retaining that focus
as much as I would like (without the dishes piling up).

Thanks for that quote, Valerie!

Leslie





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn Coburn

<<<"Stop trying to perfect your child, but keep trying to perfect your
relationship with him." Dr. Henker>>>

<<<<Anyone else have any challenges to share that this quote inspires, or
any hallmark moments with your child where you changed from trying to
perfect your child to trying to perfect your relationship? How did it go?
I'd love to be inspired by you and your child...>>>>

Thanks for reminding me of this quote and idea. I'm going to think on it
further.

Actually the person who seems to be really good at keeping this notion to
the forefront is dh, James. He has a great way of saying to other people who
might be critical, "That's just where she is right now". He has become much
more relaxed about Jayn's toe and finger nail biting after reading the
advice sent from Unschoolers about that. It applies to me in letting go of
Jayn's hair tangle issue. She won't brush it and that's OK.

I guess my "problem" ;) is that most of the time I already think with
bewildered wonder that Jayn is just about perfect, especially in her
dealings with other people. I want to remember to see her challenging
behaviors towards me and James, as being our problem not hers. We have not
found the cause, or met the need, so she gets frustrated and overwhelmed.
That's what the quote reminds me to do.

In passing I might add that replacing the word "child" with "spouse" would
also result in a positive life-concept.

Robyn L. Coburn

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Alison Broadbent

On Sep 10, 2004, at 3:07 AM, [email protected] wrote:

> <<<"Stop trying to perfect your child, but keep trying to perfect your
> relationship with him." Dr. Henker>>>

Yes yes! There have been so many challenges. I think about a year
went by before my ds 4 1/2, would let me wash his hair. He hated water
on his head or face and I just had to let it go. I certainly didn't
think it would be THAT long. When we would go out and people would ask
about the color of his hair my DS and I would joke that we really
didn't know what color it was since it could be all the elements
coating the hair.

One thing that was a huge moment, in difficulty and in revelation
happened when he was just turing 3. We had had his b'day party before
thanksgiving, then came Hanukkah and his real b'day and then came xmas.
LOTS and LOTS of presents. If he got soemthing he didn't particularly
like he'd ask if there was another present and then start crying for
another present while the present giver was right there. This happened
lots. I tried talking aobut how a present was given from love and how
if it's not the present he wanted we still thanked the person. I had
all these thoughts about not wanting an ungrateful child. It was then
that I started reading "How to Talk so your kids will listen...: and I
realized these were all my issues. One reason I realized this was so
difficult for me was that growing up I never felt I got presents that
spoke to who i was and felt deprived growing up. After I realized
that, the next time this came up, I just looked at him and said gently,
"you just want more, don't you" And his tension lifted, he fell into
my arms and cried saying yeessss. And then he moved on.

I could have gone on and on lecturing him about the beauty of giving
and receiving blah blah. And all true but that wasn't what was going
on. I saw how if I can get behind what's going on and speak to that he
can feel at peace and move on.

Alison