changing his mind - then what?
rpindc04
Need some help here. Been unschooling our 10-year-old for about 6
months now, after his being in regular public school through 4th
grade. He's a quiet type, likes lots of alone time, playing video
games and watching tv mostly since last school year. I ask if he
wants to go different places, take a hike or a class. Sometimes he
says yes, sometimes no.
My dilemma when he says yes, I make a commitment, make arrangements
with other people who then expect us, even arrange to have the event
at our house. Sometimes, he changes his mind and does not want to
participate. I talk to him about how this change might affect other
people. Sometimes it works out fine, either we go or not. No problem.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind. I do not want to inconvenience
others, or hurt feelings because now my son does not want to do
something with them. And, I want to respect what my son's needs are
right in this moment. This morning, for the first time, I actually
lied to another parent to get out of going on a hike that had been
arranged earlier, and now which my son does not want to do because he
would rather stay at home and play a new video game.
I feel horrible about lying, about my son knowing I lied, and about
letting the other family down. I was also looking forward to the
hike. I feel trapped because I cannot see a good way out of this
place.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Robbin
months now, after his being in regular public school through 4th
grade. He's a quiet type, likes lots of alone time, playing video
games and watching tv mostly since last school year. I ask if he
wants to go different places, take a hike or a class. Sometimes he
says yes, sometimes no.
My dilemma when he says yes, I make a commitment, make arrangements
with other people who then expect us, even arrange to have the event
at our house. Sometimes, he changes his mind and does not want to
participate. I talk to him about how this change might affect other
people. Sometimes it works out fine, either we go or not. No problem.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind. I do not want to inconvenience
others, or hurt feelings because now my son does not want to do
something with them. And, I want to respect what my son's needs are
right in this moment. This morning, for the first time, I actually
lied to another parent to get out of going on a hike that had been
arranged earlier, and now which my son does not want to do because he
would rather stay at home and play a new video game.
I feel horrible about lying, about my son knowing I lied, and about
letting the other family down. I was also looking forward to the
hike. I feel trapped because I cannot see a good way out of this
place.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Robbin
Pamela Sorooshian
On Mar 9, 2008, at 9:57 AM, rpindc04 wrote:
out, and make the possibility that you'll back out part of the initial
set up.
So - for the hike example. You could set it up in the first place with
a third family, too, so that the others won't be totally abandoned and
on their own if you back out, and with the understanding that, "We
MIGHT come, but we're not promising." Make that a habit, until your
son is more able and willing to stick with commitments. People who
can't live with that kind of set up won't want to make dates with you,
but that's good because that is the REALITY of your situation and
better for you if you aren't making dates with people who don't want
to be flexible.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I feel horrible about lying, about my son knowing I lied, and aboutDon't set up activities that will inconvenience others if you back
> letting the other family down. I was also looking forward to the
> hike. I feel trapped because I cannot see a good way out of this
> place.
out, and make the possibility that you'll back out part of the initial
set up.
So - for the hike example. You could set it up in the first place with
a third family, too, so that the others won't be totally abandoned and
on their own if you back out, and with the understanding that, "We
MIGHT come, but we're not promising." Make that a habit, until your
son is more able and willing to stick with commitments. People who
can't live with that kind of set up won't want to make dates with you,
but that's good because that is the REALITY of your situation and
better for you if you aren't making dates with people who don't want
to be flexible.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
John Lee Clark
Robbin:
I dunno, but here is an idea. If he wants to do something, how about if he
had more of a role in the arrangements? Then if he changes his mind, he
also has the same level of role in canceling the arrangements�HE can call
the other people involved in the plan and let them know he has changed his
mind. I guess you could offer some help, information, directions, but maybe
he really should administer the planning himself. If he feels something is
not worth the trouble of making arrangements for, then that might as well
be, since it's more likely that he'll not stick with them. If something, on
the other hand, is worth it to him THEN I bet it'd be far less likely that
he'll change his mind.
Does that make any sense to you?
John
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of rpindc04
Sent: Sunday, March 09, 2008 10:58 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] changing his mind - then what?
Need some help here. Been unschooling our 10-year-old for about 6
months now, after his being in regular public school through 4th
grade. He's a quiet type, likes lots of alone time, playing video
games and watching tv mostly since last school year. I ask if he
wants to go different places, take a hike or a class. Sometimes he
says yes, sometimes no.
My dilemma � when he says yes, I make a commitment, make arrangements
with other people who then expect us, even arrange to have the event
at our house. Sometimes, he changes his mind and does not want to
participate. I talk to him about how this change might affect other
people. Sometimes it works out fine, either we go or not. No problem.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind. I do not want to inconvenience
others, or hurt feelings because now my son does not want to do
something with them. And, I want to respect what my son's needs are
right in this moment. This morning, for the first time, I actually
lied to another parent to get out of going on a hike that had been
arranged earlier, and now which my son does not want to do because he
would rather stay at home and play a new video game.
I feel horrible about lying, about my son knowing I lied, and about
letting the other family down. I was also looking forward to the
hike. I feel trapped because I cannot see a good way out of this
place.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Robbin
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I dunno, but here is an idea. If he wants to do something, how about if he
had more of a role in the arrangements? Then if he changes his mind, he
also has the same level of role in canceling the arrangements�HE can call
the other people involved in the plan and let them know he has changed his
mind. I guess you could offer some help, information, directions, but maybe
he really should administer the planning himself. If he feels something is
not worth the trouble of making arrangements for, then that might as well
be, since it's more likely that he'll not stick with them. If something, on
the other hand, is worth it to him THEN I bet it'd be far less likely that
he'll change his mind.
Does that make any sense to you?
John
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of rpindc04
Sent: Sunday, March 09, 2008 10:58 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] changing his mind - then what?
Need some help here. Been unschooling our 10-year-old for about 6
months now, after his being in regular public school through 4th
grade. He's a quiet type, likes lots of alone time, playing video
games and watching tv mostly since last school year. I ask if he
wants to go different places, take a hike or a class. Sometimes he
says yes, sometimes no.
My dilemma � when he says yes, I make a commitment, make arrangements
with other people who then expect us, even arrange to have the event
at our house. Sometimes, he changes his mind and does not want to
participate. I talk to him about how this change might affect other
people. Sometimes it works out fine, either we go or not. No problem.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a bind. I do not want to inconvenience
others, or hurt feelings because now my son does not want to do
something with them. And, I want to respect what my son's needs are
right in this moment. This morning, for the first time, I actually
lied to another parent to get out of going on a hike that had been
arranged earlier, and now which my son does not want to do because he
would rather stay at home and play a new video game.
I feel horrible about lying, about my son knowing I lied, and about
letting the other family down. I was also looking forward to the
hike. I feel trapped because I cannot see a good way out of this
place.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Robbin
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12:17 PM
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Joyce Fetteroll
On Mar 9, 2008, at 12:57 PM, rpindc04 wrote:
planning* to let him know how other people feel when plans get
cancelled. Let him know that people will eventually stop asking him
to join them. (Which might not bother him! ;-) And that they'll
eventually stop accepting invitations. Don't do this to guilt him
into going. It's just important information he needs to know and
consider.
Also if you've only been home for 6 mos, the idea of going may appeal
to him more than actually going. *And* after having to go to school,
having the freedom to not go somewhere might feel hugely empowering.
Just some ideas to keep in mind.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Sometimes, he changes his mind and does not want toIn addition to what Pam said, I would also make it *part of the
> participate. I talk to him about how this change might affect other
> people.
planning* to let him know how other people feel when plans get
cancelled. Let him know that people will eventually stop asking him
to join them. (Which might not bother him! ;-) And that they'll
eventually stop accepting invitations. Don't do this to guilt him
into going. It's just important information he needs to know and
consider.
Also if you've only been home for 6 mos, the idea of going may appeal
to him more than actually going. *And* after having to go to school,
having the freedom to not go somewhere might feel hugely empowering.
Just some ideas to keep in mind.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]