what to do instead of punishing
[email protected]
This post is from AlwaysLearning by Pam Sorooshian. I thought it needed
to be shared *here* too.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
-=-=-=-=-=-
Posted by: "Pamela Sorooshian" pamsoroosh@... psoroosh
Date: Fri Mar 7, 2008 9:19 am ((PST))
talk about what we don't do than what we do instead of spanking,
yelling, time-outs, taking-away things, etc.
What we do instead is more complicated and more specific to the child/
situation. It is easier to talk about it in "case study" format - so
if people give real examples, we can come up with possible actions. It
takes a lot more explaining than saying things like, "Put them in time-
out, one minute per year of age."
We don't just ignore the problem behaviors, though. If there is a
serious problem behavior going on - hitting, kicking, screaming in
someone's face, throwing things, breaking things, slamming a door so
hard it breaks the door jam, and so on, then we stop and respond to
that, we don't just continue sweetly and patiently talking to the
child about what they want, as if that stuff is not going on.
Here is an example that is probably pretty clear to most parents. We
extend this example up for older children, basing our behavior on the
same principles.
You are with a group of people in a restaurant. You brought some
things for your toddler to do while waiting, you got some crackers
from the waitress so he doesn't have to sit and wait for food. But,
he's not happy and you see he is getting a little agitated, you
anticipate he's about to be very unhappy. You head off problems by
turning to him and paying attention to him by playing a finger game -
Itsy Bitsy Spider, for example. That helps for a few minutes, but he
wants OUT of his chair. So you get him out and he sits on your lap for
a minute, but that isn't working for him. He wants down to run around.
It isn't going to be okay in that busy restaurant - lots of waiters
carrying large trays of food, lots of elderly people, crowded, narrow
space between tables, etc. He starts squirming, fussing, and demanding
to be put down. He stretches out and his feet are kicking the person
next to you. He's whining, getting louder, you know he's about to
burst into a loud crying complaint.
What do you do? Take him out of the restaurant. Go outside, let him
run up and down the sidewalk. If it is too cold, get into the car and
let him climb around in there - listen to music, sing together.
You don't punish him, right? But you don't just keep sitting in the
restaurant while he gets more and more and more unhappy and more and
more disruptive to other diners. You don't just keep talking patiently
and sweetly to him, explaining, "The food will come in a a few
minutes." And you don't sit there and keep asking him, "What would
work for you? Is there something Mommy can do for you?" That last is
likely to really push him over the edge - asking a kid who is close to
a meltdown already what you can do for them is often pulling the
trigger for them to freak out. Too much frustration and now you want
them to tell YOU how to solve it? You're the adult with the experience
and wisdom, you need to help them solve it - figure out what will help
them, don't just sit there and ask and don't even sit there and offer
a list of possibilities if they don't accept the first one or two
offers, then they're beyond being able to think about solutions.
You take them out - EVEN if they scream, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO." You
say, calmly, "We can't stay inside and be disruptive," and you take
him outside. Outside, you don't punish, you are clear in the message -
"If you want to be inside, you have to sit quietly - that's how
restaurants are." But we can hang out here for a while and then go
back in when the food comes - that will be easier for you."
YOU, the adult, know what the problem is and what the child needs - it
is just too much sitting still, he needs to move. You help him get
what he needs and you give him TRUE information - inside restaurants
is not usually a place where a person should run around, climb, or
scream.
And next time you want to go to a nice restaurant with friends, you
plan ahead better, if at all possible. YOU can learn, too. <G>
So -what did we do?
A child is behaving inappropriately -
1. We assume there is a good reason for it. They have needs not being
met. And we try to think of what those needs are. We make our best
guess, we're usually right. We head off the problem as we see it
coming, meet their needs if we can.
2. We do not just ignore the behavior. Especially if it is attacking
or obstructing or disrupting other people, then we are clear in our
message - "You don't want to sit here anymore, but you can't run
around or scream inside here."
3. You follow through on that clear statement - usually that means you
get up and take the child out of wherever you are. Yes, even if they
are screaming that they don't want to go. You are not punishing them -
don't confuse this with punishment even if they aren't happy about it.
(Punishment would be when you get them outside, you spank them or you
tell them, "Just for that display, you don't get dessert today," or
"You're in time out and you're going to sit on that bench until you've
been quiet for 5 full minutes.")
4. You help them recover. You're attentive, kind, patient and willing
to let the whole thing drop and move on to happiness. (But, if they're
still swinging at you, screaming in your face, etc., you're still in
the above three steps.)
-pam
to be shared *here* too.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
-=-=-=-=-=-
Posted by: "Pamela Sorooshian" pamsoroosh@... psoroosh
Date: Fri Mar 7, 2008 9:19 am ((PST))
> -=-> I think we need more discussion about HOW to intervene- forYes - I think people are at a loss because we can so much more easily
> > instance if you are not spanking or sending to time out or their
> > room or yelling at them WHAT are you doing ins
talk about what we don't do than what we do instead of spanking,
yelling, time-outs, taking-away things, etc.
What we do instead is more complicated and more specific to the child/
situation. It is easier to talk about it in "case study" format - so
if people give real examples, we can come up with possible actions. It
takes a lot more explaining than saying things like, "Put them in time-
out, one minute per year of age."
We don't just ignore the problem behaviors, though. If there is a
serious problem behavior going on - hitting, kicking, screaming in
someone's face, throwing things, breaking things, slamming a door so
hard it breaks the door jam, and so on, then we stop and respond to
that, we don't just continue sweetly and patiently talking to the
child about what they want, as if that stuff is not going on.
Here is an example that is probably pretty clear to most parents. We
extend this example up for older children, basing our behavior on the
same principles.
You are with a group of people in a restaurant. You brought some
things for your toddler to do while waiting, you got some crackers
from the waitress so he doesn't have to sit and wait for food. But,
he's not happy and you see he is getting a little agitated, you
anticipate he's about to be very unhappy. You head off problems by
turning to him and paying attention to him by playing a finger game -
Itsy Bitsy Spider, for example. That helps for a few minutes, but he
wants OUT of his chair. So you get him out and he sits on your lap for
a minute, but that isn't working for him. He wants down to run around.
It isn't going to be okay in that busy restaurant - lots of waiters
carrying large trays of food, lots of elderly people, crowded, narrow
space between tables, etc. He starts squirming, fussing, and demanding
to be put down. He stretches out and his feet are kicking the person
next to you. He's whining, getting louder, you know he's about to
burst into a loud crying complaint.
What do you do? Take him out of the restaurant. Go outside, let him
run up and down the sidewalk. If it is too cold, get into the car and
let him climb around in there - listen to music, sing together.
You don't punish him, right? But you don't just keep sitting in the
restaurant while he gets more and more and more unhappy and more and
more disruptive to other diners. You don't just keep talking patiently
and sweetly to him, explaining, "The food will come in a a few
minutes." And you don't sit there and keep asking him, "What would
work for you? Is there something Mommy can do for you?" That last is
likely to really push him over the edge - asking a kid who is close to
a meltdown already what you can do for them is often pulling the
trigger for them to freak out. Too much frustration and now you want
them to tell YOU how to solve it? You're the adult with the experience
and wisdom, you need to help them solve it - figure out what will help
them, don't just sit there and ask and don't even sit there and offer
a list of possibilities if they don't accept the first one or two
offers, then they're beyond being able to think about solutions.
You take them out - EVEN if they scream, "NO I DON'T WANT TO GO." You
say, calmly, "We can't stay inside and be disruptive," and you take
him outside. Outside, you don't punish, you are clear in the message -
"If you want to be inside, you have to sit quietly - that's how
restaurants are." But we can hang out here for a while and then go
back in when the food comes - that will be easier for you."
YOU, the adult, know what the problem is and what the child needs - it
is just too much sitting still, he needs to move. You help him get
what he needs and you give him TRUE information - inside restaurants
is not usually a place where a person should run around, climb, or
scream.
And next time you want to go to a nice restaurant with friends, you
plan ahead better, if at all possible. YOU can learn, too. <G>
So -what did we do?
A child is behaving inappropriately -
1. We assume there is a good reason for it. They have needs not being
met. And we try to think of what those needs are. We make our best
guess, we're usually right. We head off the problem as we see it
coming, meet their needs if we can.
2. We do not just ignore the behavior. Especially if it is attacking
or obstructing or disrupting other people, then we are clear in our
message - "You don't want to sit here anymore, but you can't run
around or scream inside here."
3. You follow through on that clear statement - usually that means you
get up and take the child out of wherever you are. Yes, even if they
are screaming that they don't want to go. You are not punishing them -
don't confuse this with punishment even if they aren't happy about it.
(Punishment would be when you get them outside, you spank them or you
tell them, "Just for that display, you don't get dessert today," or
"You're in time out and you're going to sit on that bench until you've
been quiet for 5 full minutes.")
4. You help them recover. You're attentive, kind, patient and willing
to let the whole thing drop and move on to happiness. (But, if they're
still swinging at you, screaming in your face, etc., you're still in
the above three steps.)
-pam