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"Just because you are a liberal doesn't mean WND isn't reputable."
Absolutely true!
The sun is hot no matter my politics.
And WND is trash, willing to publish anything to push a particular fear-mongering line, whether or not the facts agree.
Nance
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Absolutely true!
The sun is hot no matter my politics.
And WND is trash, willing to publish anything to push a particular fear-mongering line, whether or not the facts agree.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k g
HI all. As you know we are transitioning to a more unschooly way of life. About a week ago I posted about my oldest seeming to want a limit on game time. I took your suggsetions and all seems well with that.
I have noticed something new though. Both of my boys (the ones who have had the most school at home,chores and me pushing them) have started a physical pushing,of hugs that turn into a show of force,games that turn into bullying and name calling. All of this is directed at me! Suddenly my boys have no respect for me ! I feel like they are pushing me until I say OK! You cannot do ... and these are the consequences! Help!
-Kelly
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I have noticed something new though. Both of my boys (the ones who have had the most school at home,chores and me pushing them) have started a physical pushing,of hugs that turn into a show of force,games that turn into bullying and name calling. All of this is directed at me! Suddenly my boys have no respect for me ! I feel like they are pushing me until I say OK! You cannot do ... and these are the consequences! Help!
-Kelly
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Pamela Sorooshian
On Mar 6, 2008, at 6:04 AM, k g wrote:
worried about your mental health if they feel like there are suddenly
NO boundaries.
When you say, '....and these are the consequences." do you mean
punishments?
Be a person who deserves their respect - you'll get it. Be strong,
smart, and wise along with being understanding, compassionate, and
FUN! (Too much to ask? Hey, YOU chose to have kids! <G>)
Don't let them be too rough with you or name call, without saying,
"Hey, NOT okay. Stop it now." And put space between you and them so
they can't hurt you. Don't just let them do it. But that's all you
need to do - that IS the consequence, that you won't allow it to happen.
Same if they're hurting or name-calling at each other - you put a stop
to it because it is not okay. You wouldn't let a stranger come into
your house and do that to your kids, don't let one do it to the other
either. So stop it - be clear and do what it takes to stop it. But,
you don't need follow-up punishments. In fact, even better if you can
stop the behaviors while moving on to something wonderful and
interesting and fun.
"Do NOT hit your brother." (While you step between them and physically
separate them.) "Hey, do you guys want to watch XYZ with me?"
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I have noticed something new though. Both of my boys (the ones whoThey could be trying to figure out what the boundaries are - maybe
> have had the most school at home,chores and me pushing them) have
> started a physical pushing,of hugs that turn into a show of
> force,games that turn into bullying and name calling. All of this is
> directed at me! Suddenly my boys have no respect for me ! I feel
> like they are pushing me until I say OK! You cannot do ... and these
> are the consequences!
worried about your mental health if they feel like there are suddenly
NO boundaries.
When you say, '....and these are the consequences." do you mean
punishments?
Be a person who deserves their respect - you'll get it. Be strong,
smart, and wise along with being understanding, compassionate, and
FUN! (Too much to ask? Hey, YOU chose to have kids! <G>)
Don't let them be too rough with you or name call, without saying,
"Hey, NOT okay. Stop it now." And put space between you and them so
they can't hurt you. Don't just let them do it. But that's all you
need to do - that IS the consequence, that you won't allow it to happen.
Same if they're hurting or name-calling at each other - you put a stop
to it because it is not okay. You wouldn't let a stranger come into
your house and do that to your kids, don't let one do it to the other
either. So stop it - be clear and do what it takes to stop it. But,
you don't need follow-up punishments. In fact, even better if you can
stop the behaviors while moving on to something wonderful and
interesting and fun.
"Do NOT hit your brother." (While you step between them and physically
separate them.) "Hey, do you guys want to watch XYZ with me?"
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k g
Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
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>They could be trying to figure out what the boundaries are - maybeIt is true that they may be looking for boundaries, although the only thing we have really changed it me directing them to do schoolwork or chores. We have always been free with sleeping and eating.
>worried about your mental health if they feel like there are suddenly
>NO boundaries.
>When you say, '....and these are the consequences." do you meanNo, I mean "if you don't stop, I will leave the room, get angry ,not want to be with you.."
>punishments?
> So stop it - be clear and do what it takes to stop it.That is the heart of it. What will it take? My words to stop are ignored.That is what I mean by not respecting. I have left the room and they followed! Do I have to physically shove them away and lock the door? They are nearly as big as me,I will not always be the stronger one! I do not want someone to have to get hurt before it stops. They think this is play,they aren't getting that it's not play to me. They aren't getting that they are winning because I am trying NOT to hurt them!
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-----Original Message-----
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
I have noticed something new though. Both of my boys (the ones who
have had
the most school at home,chores and me pushing them) have started a
physical
pushing,of hugs that turn into a show of force,games that turn into
bullying and
name calling. All of this is directed at me! Suddenly my boys have no
respect
for me ! I feel like they are pushing me until I say OK! You cannot do
... and
these are the consequences! Help!
-=-=-=-=-=-
How old are they?
Do you and your husband show respect for "no" "stop" or "it hurts" ??
Do the boys understand it?
Do they quit pushing you (literally or figuratively??) when you say,
"You cannot..."?
If so, why don't you say stop sooner---BEFORE it escalates?
A LOT of this is about stopping things before they become an
issue---being present and noticing *before* things get out of control.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
I have noticed something new though. Both of my boys (the ones who
have had
the most school at home,chores and me pushing them) have started a
physical
pushing,of hugs that turn into a show of force,games that turn into
bullying and
name calling. All of this is directed at me! Suddenly my boys have no
respect
for me ! I feel like they are pushing me until I say OK! You cannot do
... and
these are the consequences! Help!
-=-=-=-=-=-
How old are they?
Do you and your husband show respect for "no" "stop" or "it hurts" ??
Do the boys understand it?
Do they quit pushing you (literally or figuratively??) when you say,
"You cannot..."?
If so, why don't you say stop sooner---BEFORE it escalates?
A LOT of this is about stopping things before they become an
issue---being present and noticing *before* things get out of control.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
That is the heart of it. What will it take? My words to stop are
ignored.That
is what I mean by not respecting. I have left the room and they
followed! Do I
have to physically shove them away and lock the door? They are nearly
as big as
me,I will not always be the stronger one! I do not want someone to have
to get
hurt before it stops. They think this is play,they aren't getting that
it's not
play to me. They aren't getting that they are winning because I am
trying NOT to
hurt them!
-=-=-=-=-==
I'm not sure what's actually happening.
Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
Again---how old are they?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
That is the heart of it. What will it take? My words to stop are
ignored.That
is what I mean by not respecting. I have left the room and they
followed! Do I
have to physically shove them away and lock the door? They are nearly
as big as
me,I will not always be the stronger one! I do not want someone to have
to get
hurt before it stops. They think this is play,they aren't getting that
it's not
play to me. They aren't getting that they are winning because I am
trying NOT to
hurt them!
-=-=-=-=-==
I'm not sure what's actually happening.
Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
Again---how old are they?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
brad jones
There is a simple solution. Children react much more to body language than to words. Simply initiate a eye to eye stare and they will immediately know what you are thinking and know if you are serious or not. If you position yourself in front of them and demand them to focus on you, you'll be amazed at how fast they'll calm down with nary a word spoken by you. Its all body language.
kbcdlovejo@... wrote: -----Original Message-----
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
That is the heart of it. What will it take? My words to stop are
ignored.That
is what I mean by not respecting. I have left the room and they
followed! Do I
have to physically shove them away and lock the door? They are nearly
as big as
me,I will not always be the stronger one! I do not want someone to have
to get
hurt before it stops. They think this is play,they aren't getting that
it's not
play to me. They aren't getting that they are winning because I am
trying NOT to
hurt them!
-=-=-=-=-==
I'm not sure what's actually happening.
Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
Again---how old are they?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
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kbcdlovejo@... wrote: -----Original Message-----
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
That is the heart of it. What will it take? My words to stop are
ignored.That
is what I mean by not respecting. I have left the room and they
followed! Do I
have to physically shove them away and lock the door? They are nearly
as big as
me,I will not always be the stronger one! I do not want someone to have
to get
hurt before it stops. They think this is play,they aren't getting that
it's not
play to me. They aren't getting that they are winning because I am
trying NOT to
hurt them!
-=-=-=-=-==
I'm not sure what's actually happening.
Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
Again---how old are they?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
---------------------------------
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k g
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
-=-=-=-=-==
brother try to push me over. They are laughing and they either just aren't getting that I am really pissed off right now or they don't care. It only stops when somebody actually gets hurt,like they hurt each other by accident or if I shove them away and they fall over, then we are all stalking off back to the car and everybody is really fuming. The younger two are upset because their fun time at the stream was ruined and they had to leave,I'm livid because I have just been under attack, and the boys are mad because they got hurt and they are sure it was done to them on purpose. They aren't getting the fact that they kept pushing and playing UNTIL they got hurt.
I am thinking why don't they stop? What do they want? Do they want me to say "if you don't stop I'm going to do____?" I have tried saying "remember last time when you got hurt?" and they still don't stop.
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more physical attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We have a family bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
-Kelly
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-=-=-=-=-==
>I'm not sure what's actually happening.OK, here is an example. We are hiking,and stop at a stream to play. The 9 yr old comes over to give me a hug. So that's fine and I hug with him. Then he starts to squeeze and push me. I say "OK,that's too rough." He continues to squeeze and push me off the trail. I am saying "stop, no more!",but now we are in a pushing match . I am pushing the kid off of me, he is trying to push me over or keep this forceful hug thing going on. This is now turning into wrestling. He jumps on my back with his hand around my face. I am not so calm, going into defensive mode. I feel like I am going to have to use force ,but I don't want to hurt my kid. I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me again. I am standing in the woods with 4 kids,there is really nowhere else that is "away".I cannot walk unless I can get him to stop wrestling with me. At this point the 11 year old joins in the "game", and helps his
>Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
brother try to push me over. They are laughing and they either just aren't getting that I am really pissed off right now or they don't care. It only stops when somebody actually gets hurt,like they hurt each other by accident or if I shove them away and they fall over, then we are all stalking off back to the car and everybody is really fuming. The younger two are upset because their fun time at the stream was ruined and they had to leave,I'm livid because I have just been under attack, and the boys are mad because they got hurt and they are sure it was done to them on purpose. They aren't getting the fact that they kept pushing and playing UNTIL they got hurt.
I am thinking why don't they stop? What do they want? Do they want me to say "if you don't stop I'm going to do____?" I have tried saying "remember last time when you got hurt?" and they still don't stop.
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more physical attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We have a family bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
>-how old are they?They are 9 and 11.
-Kelly
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k g
In answer to Kelly's question of if DH and I model stopping when someone says stop, yes we do. DH and I will play fight sometimes, but we always stop when someone says "OK! I'm done!" The only exception I can think of is we have done the scene where lets say DH wants to put an ice cube down the back of my shirt and I will screech "no! no! NOOOOO!" but I am laughing and have a big grin. Although no doesn't always mean no with me and DH, "stop" always means stop with DH, me and the kids. We have always stopped tickling and chasing games as soon as they say anything ..."stop"," no" ,"I don't like it","ow!"
-Kelly
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Ulrike Haupt
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
-=-=-=-=-==
old comes over to give me a hug. So that's fine and I hug with him. Then he
starts to squeeze and push me.
<snip>
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more
physical attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We
have a family bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
*** For what it is worth, maybe they need a 'punching bag' that does not
push them away when the going gets rough? <grin> sew a bag from some sturdy
material, fill with saw dust/shavings and tie to a sturdy branch for free
access.
Blissings
Ulrike
PS My three brothers and I were often told to go fight with the bag when
situations arose at home. :)
-=-=-=-=-==
>I'm not sure what's actually happening.OK, here is an example. We are hiking,and stop at a stream to play. The 9 yr
>Tell me when you use "no" and when you use "stop" and what happens then.
old comes over to give me a hug. So that's fine and I hug with him. Then he
starts to squeeze and push me.
<snip>
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more
physical attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We
have a family bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
*** For what it is worth, maybe they need a 'punching bag' that does not
push them away when the going gets rough? <grin> sew a bag from some sturdy
material, fill with saw dust/shavings and tie to a sturdy branch for free
access.
Blissings
Ulrike
PS My three brothers and I were often told to go fight with the bag when
situations arose at home. :)
Jodi Bezzola
I'm not sure if you mentioned this or not, so disregard this if you did, but the thought I had when I read your examples is are you communicating with your boys and having conversations with them about this at other times other than in the heat of the moment it all starts happening? I've often been told that when my 3 year olds are already ramped up is not the time for getting through to them rationally! In my experience, when emotion is high then intelligence is low...just my thoughts.
Jodi
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Pamela Sorooshian
On Mar 8, 2008, at 11:20 PM, Jodi Bezzola wrote:
that really means to stop immediately. Maybe even say you want to
practice - make a game out of THAT. Sort of like playing "Red Light
Green Light."
But, if that doesn't seem workable, if things have gone past that,
then I'd say you do have to say they can't touch you in play - just
very very gently, because they aren't listening and responding when
you say stop.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I'm not sure if you mentioned this or not, so disregard this if youYes - and tell them that you are going to say, "Stop right now," and
> did, but the thought I had when I read your examples is are you
> communicating with your boys and having conversations with them
> about this at other times other than in the heat of the moment it
> all starts happening?
that really means to stop immediately. Maybe even say you want to
practice - make a game out of THAT. Sort of like playing "Red Light
Green Light."
But, if that doesn't seem workable, if things have gone past that,
then I'd say you do have to say they can't touch you in play - just
very very gently, because they aren't listening and responding when
you say stop.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
OK, here is an example. We are hiking,and stop at a stream to play.
The 9 yr
old comes over to give me a hug. So that's fine and I hug with him.
Then he
starts to squeeze and push me. I say "OK,that's too rough." He
continues to
squeeze and push me off the trail. I am saying "stop, no more!",but
now we are
in a pushing match . I am pushing the kid off of me, he is trying to
push me
over or keep this forceful hug thing going on.
-=-=-=-=-
So you're agreeing to *play* with him.
They do NOT understand the meaning of "no" or "stop." And you're
pushing back.
-=-=-=-=-
This is now turning into
wrestling. He jumps on my back with his hand around my face. I am not
so calm,
going into defensive mode.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Up to this point, why *are* you still calm?
What would you do/say if *I* did that to you?
My response would be---waaay early-on---"HEY! KNOCK IT OFF! I SAID
STOP!"
-=-=-=-=-=-
I feel like I am going to have to use force ,but I
don't want to hurt my kid.
-=-=-=-=-=-
You don't have to *hurt* him, but you can certainly STOP him
physically. Take him by the arm and pull him away from you.
-==-=-==-
I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.
--=-=-=-=-
Why doesn't he believe you? What *other* message is he getting?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I am standing in the woods with 4 kids,there is really nowhere else
that is "away".I
cannot walk unless I can get him to stop wrestling with me. At this
point the
11 year old joins in the "game", and helps his brother try to push me
over.
-=-=-=-=-=-
WHAT???!!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-
They are laughing and they either just aren't
getting that I am really pissed off right now
-=-=-=-=-=-
Why not?
Seriously. What do you look like when you're pissed off? I don't think
they know.
What would you do if a stranger did all that to you?
-=-=-=-=-=-
or they don't care.
=-=-=-=-==-
Worse.
OK---*WHY* would they not care?
What messages are you sending that would give them this impression?
-=-=-=-=-
It only stops when somebody actually gets hurt,like they hurt each
other by accident or if I
shove them away and they fall over, then we are all stalking off back
to the car
and everybody is really fuming.
-==-=-=-=-=-
I'd be setting the scene up *IN THE CAR* *ON THE WAY* to the stream.
"OK, Last time we came here, this what happened (brief explanation). I
don't want that to happened again. So how do you guys think we can keep
that from happening again? I need to know that I won't be pushed around
and made uncomfortable. What can *I* say that would let you know that
things are getting too rough? Can we have a secret family word that
means 'stop right now' so that each of us can feel safe? What would
that word be?"
(Duncan can sometimes get wound up and go overboard a bit. We say
"bee-beep" and he knows that he needs to tone it down a bit. He uses it
on me too. <G> It's just a CUE word to let him know it's going too far.)
Pick a word that actually MEANS "stop" to them since "stop" in your
family really has no meaning at all.
-=-=-=-=-=-
The younger two are upset because their fun time
at the stream was ruined and they had to leave,I'm livid because I have
just
been under attack, and the boys are mad because they got hurt and they
are sure
it was done to them on purpose. They aren't getting the fact that they
kept
pushing and playing UNTIL they got hurt.
-=-=-=-=-=-
But why are you letting it even get *close* to that far?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I am thinking why don't they stop? What do they want? Do they want me
to say
"if you don't stop I'm going to do____?" I have tried saying "remember
last time
when you got hurt?" and they still don't stop.
-=-=-=-=-=-
This can't happen "in the moment"---these conversation have to happen
BEFORE it's to the point of not being able to stop it. Have a
conversation tonight. At supper. Or while playing cards. Or in bed. NOT
while you're all in the middle of a pushing match.
-=-=-=-=-=-
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more
physical
attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We have
a family
bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
-=-=-=-=-=-
Do you have a trampoline?
If not, can you get one?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
From: k g <barefootmamax4@...>
OK, here is an example. We are hiking,and stop at a stream to play.
The 9 yr
old comes over to give me a hug. So that's fine and I hug with him.
Then he
starts to squeeze and push me. I say "OK,that's too rough." He
continues to
squeeze and push me off the trail. I am saying "stop, no more!",but
now we are
in a pushing match . I am pushing the kid off of me, he is trying to
push me
over or keep this forceful hug thing going on.
-=-=-=-=-
So you're agreeing to *play* with him.
They do NOT understand the meaning of "no" or "stop." And you're
pushing back.
-=-=-=-=-
This is now turning into
wrestling. He jumps on my back with his hand around my face. I am not
so calm,
going into defensive mode.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Up to this point, why *are* you still calm?
What would you do/say if *I* did that to you?
My response would be---waaay early-on---"HEY! KNOCK IT OFF! I SAID
STOP!"
-=-=-=-=-=-
I feel like I am going to have to use force ,but I
don't want to hurt my kid.
-=-=-=-=-=-
You don't have to *hurt* him, but you can certainly STOP him
physically. Take him by the arm and pull him away from you.
-==-=-==-
I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.
--=-=-=-=-
Why doesn't he believe you? What *other* message is he getting?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I am standing in the woods with 4 kids,there is really nowhere else
that is "away".I
cannot walk unless I can get him to stop wrestling with me. At this
point the
11 year old joins in the "game", and helps his brother try to push me
over.
-=-=-=-=-=-
WHAT???!!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-
They are laughing and they either just aren't
getting that I am really pissed off right now
-=-=-=-=-=-
Why not?
Seriously. What do you look like when you're pissed off? I don't think
they know.
What would you do if a stranger did all that to you?
-=-=-=-=-=-
or they don't care.
=-=-=-=-==-
Worse.
OK---*WHY* would they not care?
What messages are you sending that would give them this impression?
-=-=-=-=-
It only stops when somebody actually gets hurt,like they hurt each
other by accident or if I
shove them away and they fall over, then we are all stalking off back
to the car
and everybody is really fuming.
-==-=-=-=-=-
I'd be setting the scene up *IN THE CAR* *ON THE WAY* to the stream.
"OK, Last time we came here, this what happened (brief explanation). I
don't want that to happened again. So how do you guys think we can keep
that from happening again? I need to know that I won't be pushed around
and made uncomfortable. What can *I* say that would let you know that
things are getting too rough? Can we have a secret family word that
means 'stop right now' so that each of us can feel safe? What would
that word be?"
(Duncan can sometimes get wound up and go overboard a bit. We say
"bee-beep" and he knows that he needs to tone it down a bit. He uses it
on me too. <G> It's just a CUE word to let him know it's going too far.)
Pick a word that actually MEANS "stop" to them since "stop" in your
family really has no meaning at all.
-=-=-=-=-=-
The younger two are upset because their fun time
at the stream was ruined and they had to leave,I'm livid because I have
just
been under attack, and the boys are mad because they got hurt and they
are sure
it was done to them on purpose. They aren't getting the fact that they
kept
pushing and playing UNTIL they got hurt.
-=-=-=-=-=-
But why are you letting it even get *close* to that far?
-=-=-=-=-=-
I am thinking why don't they stop? What do they want? Do they want me
to say
"if you don't stop I'm going to do____?" I have tried saying "remember
last time
when you got hurt?" and they still don't stop.
-=-=-=-=-=-
This can't happen "in the moment"---these conversation have to happen
BEFORE it's to the point of not being able to stop it. Have a
conversation tonight. At supper. Or while playing cards. Or in bed. NOT
while you're all in the middle of a pushing match.
-=-=-=-=-=-
For what it's worth I have though that maybe they just want some more
physical
attention. I don't know how I can do more at this point though. We have
a family
bed,there is always somebody on my lap,or snuggling .
-=-=-=-=-=-
Do you have a trampoline?
If not, can you get one?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
bhmjones
I wanted to add to this since it may not be clear from this earlier
post. While staring them in the eye, you have to stay there until they
back down. If they see you back down first, then you'll have gained
nothing because they will see you backing down as you giving up your
stance and they will not take you serious.
--- In [email protected], brad jones <bhmjones@...>
wrote:
immediately know what you are thinking and know if you are serious or
not. If you position yourself in front of them and demand them to focus
on you, you'll be amazed at how fast they'll calm down with nary a word
spoken by you. Its all body language.
post. While staring them in the eye, you have to stay there until they
back down. If they see you back down first, then you'll have gained
nothing because they will see you backing down as you giving up your
stance and they will not take you serious.
--- In [email protected], brad jones <bhmjones@...>
wrote:
>than to words. Simply initiate a eye to eye stare and they will
> There is a simple solution. Children react much more to body language
immediately know what you are thinking and know if you are serious or
not. If you position yourself in front of them and demand them to focus
on you, you'll be amazed at how fast they'll calm down with nary a word
spoken by you. Its all body language.
>
Deb Lewis
***I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.***
If you're wrestling with him, that is, wrestling to get him off you and you say, "I am not wrestling with you," you're sending two messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match. Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly are.
I think there's a family dynamic at work that you haven't recognized yet. Maybe in the wrestling play between you and your husband the play doesn't stop as soon as you're thinking/remembering it does. As the audience to your play your kids are seeing something you're not, getting some message you don't know you're sending. End the wrestling play with your husband. Tell him this other thing needs to get sorted out and don't engage in it anymore.
Tell your kids in some calm moment, at lunch or whenever, that kind of thing is unacceptable. You don't have to go off on your kids just say this is what happens and it will stop.
This is really not ok. It's not ok for a nine and eleven year old to ignore another persons personal boundaries. Think about how it got to this place. Take some time to think about your family interactions. How have you modeled respect for your kids personal boundaries. Have you overstepped in the past. Has your husband. My husband used to engage in physical play and if Dylan said "Ouch" dh would say "That didn't hurt you!" A big person can't decide how much force is too much for a little person. You can't decide what someone else feels. You have to listen to the other guy. If that kind of thing has gone on at your house you need to stop it.
If part of your interactions at home include pestering - poking, pinching, tickling, invading another person's space in anyway, stop it. If teasing is part of your regular interaction stop that. Something is working to press these kids on and you should look at everything.
In some calm moment ask them why they escalate physical contact to a power play. Listen to what they tell you.
Keep hugs brief. Don't squeeze them, just hug, like you'd hug a fragile old lady. Step away and reclaim your own space.
Don't touch them if they don't want you to. Don't hug them if they don't want you to.
Find a way for them to engage in a lot of physical play. Kelly said "trampoline" and I second that. Someone else recommended a punching bag. Really good ideas. Give them an outlet for their physical energy because they obviously have some need that's not being met.
Deb Lewis
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.***
If you're wrestling with him, that is, wrestling to get him off you and you say, "I am not wrestling with you," you're sending two messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match. Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly are.
I think there's a family dynamic at work that you haven't recognized yet. Maybe in the wrestling play between you and your husband the play doesn't stop as soon as you're thinking/remembering it does. As the audience to your play your kids are seeing something you're not, getting some message you don't know you're sending. End the wrestling play with your husband. Tell him this other thing needs to get sorted out and don't engage in it anymore.
Tell your kids in some calm moment, at lunch or whenever, that kind of thing is unacceptable. You don't have to go off on your kids just say this is what happens and it will stop.
This is really not ok. It's not ok for a nine and eleven year old to ignore another persons personal boundaries. Think about how it got to this place. Take some time to think about your family interactions. How have you modeled respect for your kids personal boundaries. Have you overstepped in the past. Has your husband. My husband used to engage in physical play and if Dylan said "Ouch" dh would say "That didn't hurt you!" A big person can't decide how much force is too much for a little person. You can't decide what someone else feels. You have to listen to the other guy. If that kind of thing has gone on at your house you need to stop it.
If part of your interactions at home include pestering - poking, pinching, tickling, invading another person's space in anyway, stop it. If teasing is part of your regular interaction stop that. Something is working to press these kids on and you should look at everything.
In some calm moment ask them why they escalate physical contact to a power play. Listen to what they tell you.
Keep hugs brief. Don't squeeze them, just hug, like you'd hug a fragile old lady. Step away and reclaim your own space.
Don't touch them if they don't want you to. Don't hug them if they don't want you to.
Find a way for them to engage in a lot of physical play. Kelly said "trampoline" and I second that. Someone else recommended a punching bag. Really good ideas. Give them an outlet for their physical energy because they obviously have some need that's not being met.
Deb Lewis
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k g
Thanks everybody! All good ideas and good things to think about. The punching bag I can do, but the trampoline we can't. We don't have a good safe place to put it. I've always wanted one though!
I can see that I've got some work to do.
-Kelly
Deb Lewis <d.lewis@...> wrote:
***I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.***
If you're wrestling with him, that is, wrestling to get him off you and you say, "I am not wrestling with you," you're sending two messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match. Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly are.
I think there's a family dynamic at work that you haven't recognized yet. Maybe in the wrestling play between you and your husband the play doesn't stop as soon as you're thinking/remembering it does. As the audience to your play your kids are seeing something you're not, getting some message you don't know you're sending. End the wrestling play with your husband. Tell him this other thing needs to get sorted out and don't engage in it anymore.
Tell your kids in some calm moment, at lunch or whenever, that kind of thing is unacceptable. You don't have to go off on your kids just say this is what happens and it will stop.
This is really not ok. It's not ok for a nine and eleven year old to ignore another persons personal boundaries. Think about how it got to this place. Take some time to think about your family interactions. How have you modeled respect for your kids personal boundaries. Have you overstepped in the past. Has your husband. My husband used to engage in physical play and if Dylan said "Ouch" dh would say "That didn't hurt you!" A big person can't decide how much force is too much for a little person. You can't decide what someone else feels. You have to listen to the other guy. If that kind of thing has gone on at your house you need to stop it.
If part of your interactions at home include pestering - poking, pinching, tickling, invading another person's space in anyway, stop it. If teasing is part of your regular interaction stop that. Something is working to press these kids on and you should look at everything.
In some calm moment ask them why they escalate physical contact to a power play. Listen to what they tell you.
Keep hugs brief. Don't squeeze them, just hug, like you'd hug a fragile old lady. Step away and reclaim your own space.
Don't touch them if they don't want you to. Don't hug them if they don't want you to.
Find a way for them to engage in a lot of physical play. Kelly said "trampoline" and I second that. Someone else recommended a punching bag. Really good ideas. Give them an outlet for their physical energy because they obviously have some need that's not being met.
Deb Lewis
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I can see that I've got some work to do.
-Kelly
Deb Lewis <d.lewis@...> wrote:
***I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
again.***
If you're wrestling with him, that is, wrestling to get him off you and you say, "I am not wrestling with you," you're sending two messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match. Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly are.
I think there's a family dynamic at work that you haven't recognized yet. Maybe in the wrestling play between you and your husband the play doesn't stop as soon as you're thinking/remembering it does. As the audience to your play your kids are seeing something you're not, getting some message you don't know you're sending. End the wrestling play with your husband. Tell him this other thing needs to get sorted out and don't engage in it anymore.
Tell your kids in some calm moment, at lunch or whenever, that kind of thing is unacceptable. You don't have to go off on your kids just say this is what happens and it will stop.
This is really not ok. It's not ok for a nine and eleven year old to ignore another persons personal boundaries. Think about how it got to this place. Take some time to think about your family interactions. How have you modeled respect for your kids personal boundaries. Have you overstepped in the past. Has your husband. My husband used to engage in physical play and if Dylan said "Ouch" dh would say "That didn't hurt you!" A big person can't decide how much force is too much for a little person. You can't decide what someone else feels. You have to listen to the other guy. If that kind of thing has gone on at your house you need to stop it.
If part of your interactions at home include pestering - poking, pinching, tickling, invading another person's space in anyway, stop it. If teasing is part of your regular interaction stop that. Something is working to press these kids on and you should look at everything.
In some calm moment ask them why they escalate physical contact to a power play. Listen to what they tell you.
Keep hugs brief. Don't squeeze them, just hug, like you'd hug a fragile old lady. Step away and reclaim your own space.
Don't touch them if they don't want you to. Don't hug them if they don't want you to.
Find a way for them to engage in a lot of physical play. Kelly said "trampoline" and I second that. Someone else recommended a punching bag. Really good ideas. Give them an outlet for their physical energy because they obviously have some need that's not being met.
Deb Lewis
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wisdomalways5
I also wanted to add that it might be helpful to look at how the
kids interact with each other- do they STOP when one wants to stop-
we usually say 'stop means stop" and it was a signal to STOP -
sometimes we push the kids farther than they want to play or allow
them to do it to each other. It is not fun if one person is not
having fun.
Julie
--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...>
wrote:
messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose
the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells
him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match.
Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly
are.
kids interact with each other- do they STOP when one wants to stop-
we usually say 'stop means stop" and it was a signal to STOP -
sometimes we push the kids farther than they want to play or allow
them to do it to each other. It is not fun if one person is not
having fun.
Julie
--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...>
wrote:
>you and you say, "I am not wrestling with you," you're sending two
> ***I peel him off and grab his arms,look right at him
> and say "I am done! I am not wrestling with you!" So he comes at me
> again.***
>
> If you're wrestling with him, that is, wrestling to get him off
messages and he gets to choose which one to hear. He will choose
the one that is filling his need in the moment, the one that tells
him your hands are on him and you're engaged in a physical match.
Say "Stop it, now." Don't say "I'm not wrestling" when you clearly
are.
>
Robin Bentley
If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a rebounder (or
two)?
Robin B.
two)?
Robin B.
On Mar 9, 2008, at 1:28 PM, k g wrote:
> Thanks everybody! All good ideas and good things to think about. The
> punching bag I can do, but the trampoline we can't. We don't have a
> good safe place to put it. I've always wanted one though!
> I can see that I've got some work to do.
> -Kelly
Adrean Clark
That's what we have, it works well. I also try to redirect the kids to
it when they find the bed or furniture attractive launch pads :)
Adrean
it when they find the bed or furniture attractive launch pads :)
Adrean
On 3/10/08, Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
> If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a rebounder (or
> two)?
>
> Robin B.
>
> On Mar 9, 2008, at 1:28 PM, k g wrote:
>
> > Thanks everybody! All good ideas and good things to think about. The
> > punching bag I can do, but the trampoline we can't. We don't have a
> > good safe place to put it. I've always wanted one though!
> > I can see that I've got some work to do.
> > -Kelly
>
>
--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com
k g
What is a rebounder?
-Kelly
Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a rebounder (or
two)?
Robin B.
-Kelly
Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a rebounder (or
two)?
Robin B.
On Mar 9, 2008, at 1:28 PM, k g wrote:
> Thanks everybody! All good ideas and good things to think about. The
> punching bag I can do, but the trampoline we can't. We don't have a
> good safe place to put it. I've always wanted one though!
> I can see that I've got some work to do.
> -Kelly
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
Basically, a mini trampoline...
Here's one of the many sites selling rebounders: http://www.needak-rebounders.com/
(I can't recommend one over the other - you can Google "rebounder" and
search through the sites. Wal-Mart sells them, too, I think.)
Robin B.
Here's one of the many sites selling rebounders: http://www.needak-rebounders.com/
(I can't recommend one over the other - you can Google "rebounder" and
search through the sites. Wal-Mart sells them, too, I think.)
Robin B.
On Mar 11, 2008, at 3:41 PM, k g wrote:
> What is a rebounder?
> -Kelly
>
> Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
> If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a
> rebounder (or
> two)?
>
> Robin B.
>
k g
Ah! Yes, we DO have one of those! We have had it for years,but the older boys don't really use it. When they were smaller we had it in the living room and it got a lot of use. Now my 3 year old is really the only one who uses it. It is outside and he likes to jump off the picnic table onto it.
-Kelly
Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
Basically, a mini trampoline...
Here's one of the many sites selling rebounders: http://www.needak-rebounders.com/
(I can't recommend one over the other - you can Google "rebounder" and
search through the sites. Wal-Mart sells them, too, I think.)
Robin B.
-Kelly
Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
Basically, a mini trampoline...
Here's one of the many sites selling rebounders: http://www.needak-rebounders.com/
(I can't recommend one over the other - you can Google "rebounder" and
search through the sites. Wal-Mart sells them, too, I think.)
Robin B.
On Mar 11, 2008, at 3:41 PM, k g wrote:
> What is a rebounder?
> -Kelly
>
> Robin Bentley <robin.bentley@...> wrote:
> If you don't have a place for a trampoline, how about a
> rebounder (or
> two)?
>
> Robin B.
>
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