help me to see it differently...(long)
Maisha Khalfani
This evening I came home. I took a breath in the car and made the intention
to be peaceful. And then I walked in the door..and I had to fight to hold
on to the peace (right there is an oxymoron, huh?). I was met with glee by
my children who missed me during the day. My husband was playing a computer
game. I changed my clothes and proceeded to finish cleaning up the living
room (Khalid and Khidar had decided to "cook" and got raw meat and
condiments out of the refrigerator and smeared it on our sofa and carpet).
Then there were choruses of "what's for dinner?" And that overwhelmed
feeling started to come over me. Khalid and Khidar started arguing over
toys, there was crying involved and hitting. I tried to comfort one and the
other would come over which would agitate the "victim". There was "I want
something to drink" "can I help cook?" Just voices everywhere. Dakari did
help me cook, as did Safiya - I'm working on saying "yes" more often.
I just want to be able to stay centered and not get swept away in the
natural chaos that comes along with having young children. I want to stop
gritting my teeth and wishing for a quiet spot away from everyone. I want
to see the world and my children differently - even if my husband does not.
What can/should I do?
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to be peaceful. And then I walked in the door..and I had to fight to hold
on to the peace (right there is an oxymoron, huh?). I was met with glee by
my children who missed me during the day. My husband was playing a computer
game. I changed my clothes and proceeded to finish cleaning up the living
room (Khalid and Khidar had decided to "cook" and got raw meat and
condiments out of the refrigerator and smeared it on our sofa and carpet).
Then there were choruses of "what's for dinner?" And that overwhelmed
feeling started to come over me. Khalid and Khidar started arguing over
toys, there was crying involved and hitting. I tried to comfort one and the
other would come over which would agitate the "victim". There was "I want
something to drink" "can I help cook?" Just voices everywhere. Dakari did
help me cook, as did Safiya - I'm working on saying "yes" more often.
I just want to be able to stay centered and not get swept away in the
natural chaos that comes along with having young children. I want to stop
gritting my teeth and wishing for a quiet spot away from everyone. I want
to see the world and my children differently - even if my husband does not.
What can/should I do?
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures <http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
EarthSpirit Journeys <http://earthspiritjourneys.blogspot.com/>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
First {{HUGS}} I know the feeling somewhat, there's just DH and one DS,
but there have been times when I don't even have my jacket off and I'm
hit with "Daddy did..." "Yeah, but he did..." and there's still lunch
stuff on the table and dinner's not started and ...
One of my "best" tactics for those moments when I feel that relaxing
breath just draining away is "I've gotta go to the bathroom - in
private" and I go sit in the bathroom for 2 minutes (my guys are used to
Mommy needing to go potty as soon as she gets home now cause I usually
DO have to go at that point). I can regroup and breathe again. I can let
all the "why didn't he ...!?" and "why doesn't he...?" thought swirl
around and then down the toilet with the rest of the 'stuff'. Then I go
out, start quietly clearing the table, and so on. By then, usually, DH
has started dinner (often his sense of the timing of when things need to
get started is different than mine, not wrong just different, and since
he's the chief chef... Often he waits until I pull in so that whatever
it is will be fresh and hot for me instead of sitting on the stove).
And, by then, DS is wanting a hug and asking how my day was. THEN we can
deal with whatever else is needed.
One of the things that might be important in what you've described is
that the kids might be needing to eat sooner than when you get home. Are
there things they can get themselves that will give them a little boost
in the late afternoon? Stuff like trail mix (we make our own with nuts,
dried fruit, chocolate bits, etc) or pre-sliced chunks of cheese or
whatever can really help that pre-dinner low and keep everyone stable.
Maybe even consider a quick phone call "Hi guys, I'm about to head out
from work. I left some cheese in the blue container in the fridge for
you guys to snack on until dinner. And, Hon, can you fill the big pot on
the stove with water and set it to boil? That way I can toss in the
pasta when I get home and it'll be quick. Thanks" Depending on your
family, maybe prepare "lunch boxes" (snack packs) for each child before
leaving for work and toss in a little personal note or something for
each. That way each of them has their own access to foods for the day
plus a little reminder of Mommy to hold onto.
And, something that's easier for me (since I've only got one kid and one
of me) is to spend 5 minutes right off focused on that one person. I'm
not sure how you'd arrange it with a bunch of kids - maybe give each one
a 'day' (with 4 kids that means that hubby gets a day to himself too)
and the first 5 minutes you're home 'belong' to that one, then the
others in some order (height, age, alphabetically, by birth month, day,
whatever works) each get 5 minutes. Knowing that they'll each get a
chunk of your undivided attention might (or might not) help with the
immediate clamor of all of them at once looking for some face time with
Mom. That'd be something to sit and discuss - "Hey guys, when I get home
from work I want to talk to ALL of you but I can't talk to all of you at
the same time. How do you propose we arrange things so that you all get
to talk to me without us all getting tangled up?" (okay that's kind of a
verbose way to say it but it gives the sense of it). I know that when I
was a kid (my parents didn't unschool or gently parent in the sense of
things nowadays but it was pretty close), we knew that when Daddy got
home, #1 was he'd go find mom and give her a kiss. Then he'd go up and
get out of his suit and tie and get comfortable. While he was changing,
anyone who wanted/needed to chat could go up and chat with him. Or, we
could wait (if there was nothing earth shattering going on) until he
came back down (there were 3 of us kids, when I was 10, my brother was 8
and my sister was 5 to give you an idea of age ranges). Just knowing
that we'd have a space to be heard if/when we needed it took some of the
urgency out of having to get it in right away. There was space and we
knew that even when we were fairly little.
Also, I might even consider if I was in your situation, going ahead and
doing once a week type cooking on the weekend and then making dinner
would consist of reheating the lasagna, soup, whatever - basically,
reduce the amount of your time required to get dinner prepared so that
you have more space to spend with the family during the week. And/or get
a slow cooker that you can set up in the morning and leave until you get
home, again minimizing the dinner hour crush.
Deb
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but there have been times when I don't even have my jacket off and I'm
hit with "Daddy did..." "Yeah, but he did..." and there's still lunch
stuff on the table and dinner's not started and ...
One of my "best" tactics for those moments when I feel that relaxing
breath just draining away is "I've gotta go to the bathroom - in
private" and I go sit in the bathroom for 2 minutes (my guys are used to
Mommy needing to go potty as soon as she gets home now cause I usually
DO have to go at that point). I can regroup and breathe again. I can let
all the "why didn't he ...!?" and "why doesn't he...?" thought swirl
around and then down the toilet with the rest of the 'stuff'. Then I go
out, start quietly clearing the table, and so on. By then, usually, DH
has started dinner (often his sense of the timing of when things need to
get started is different than mine, not wrong just different, and since
he's the chief chef... Often he waits until I pull in so that whatever
it is will be fresh and hot for me instead of sitting on the stove).
And, by then, DS is wanting a hug and asking how my day was. THEN we can
deal with whatever else is needed.
One of the things that might be important in what you've described is
that the kids might be needing to eat sooner than when you get home. Are
there things they can get themselves that will give them a little boost
in the late afternoon? Stuff like trail mix (we make our own with nuts,
dried fruit, chocolate bits, etc) or pre-sliced chunks of cheese or
whatever can really help that pre-dinner low and keep everyone stable.
Maybe even consider a quick phone call "Hi guys, I'm about to head out
from work. I left some cheese in the blue container in the fridge for
you guys to snack on until dinner. And, Hon, can you fill the big pot on
the stove with water and set it to boil? That way I can toss in the
pasta when I get home and it'll be quick. Thanks" Depending on your
family, maybe prepare "lunch boxes" (snack packs) for each child before
leaving for work and toss in a little personal note or something for
each. That way each of them has their own access to foods for the day
plus a little reminder of Mommy to hold onto.
And, something that's easier for me (since I've only got one kid and one
of me) is to spend 5 minutes right off focused on that one person. I'm
not sure how you'd arrange it with a bunch of kids - maybe give each one
a 'day' (with 4 kids that means that hubby gets a day to himself too)
and the first 5 minutes you're home 'belong' to that one, then the
others in some order (height, age, alphabetically, by birth month, day,
whatever works) each get 5 minutes. Knowing that they'll each get a
chunk of your undivided attention might (or might not) help with the
immediate clamor of all of them at once looking for some face time with
Mom. That'd be something to sit and discuss - "Hey guys, when I get home
from work I want to talk to ALL of you but I can't talk to all of you at
the same time. How do you propose we arrange things so that you all get
to talk to me without us all getting tangled up?" (okay that's kind of a
verbose way to say it but it gives the sense of it). I know that when I
was a kid (my parents didn't unschool or gently parent in the sense of
things nowadays but it was pretty close), we knew that when Daddy got
home, #1 was he'd go find mom and give her a kiss. Then he'd go up and
get out of his suit and tie and get comfortable. While he was changing,
anyone who wanted/needed to chat could go up and chat with him. Or, we
could wait (if there was nothing earth shattering going on) until he
came back down (there were 3 of us kids, when I was 10, my brother was 8
and my sister was 5 to give you an idea of age ranges). Just knowing
that we'd have a space to be heard if/when we needed it took some of the
urgency out of having to get it in right away. There was space and we
knew that even when we were fairly little.
Also, I might even consider if I was in your situation, going ahead and
doing once a week type cooking on the weekend and then making dinner
would consist of reheating the lasagna, soup, whatever - basically,
reduce the amount of your time required to get dinner prepared so that
you have more space to spend with the family during the week. And/or get
a slow cooker that you can set up in the morning and leave until you get
home, again minimizing the dinner hour crush.
Deb
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
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**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lspswr
> Maybe even consider a quick phone call "Hi guys, I'm about to headout from work.<
As the at-home-parent I can say that this is SO helpful for us! If
we know that dh is on his way home we can "get ready" and make
adjustments as needed so as to be ready to welcome him when he comes
in. Dh works very long hours and we never know when he might be
coming so it's really helpful if he lets us know. We usually
scramble around a bit to pick up things we're finished with, I might
make him some dinner, etc.... Mostly it's just a heads up that we
are going to be transitioning into including him -- sort of like
telling a kid that we'll be leaving in 10 minutes instead of
springing it on him all of a sudden and then wondering why he is
resistant. When dh does not give us a heads up it can be really
tough to make the transition into including him and making him feel
welcome. We usually DO need some time to finish up doing what we're
doing and transition our expectations before we can give him our
attention.
Highly recommend and appreciate the "heads up" phone call!
Linda
swissarmy_wife
This reminded me of something someone I know introduced to me.
Personally, I don't like to do it, most of the time we have time to
cook each night. But in your specific situation it might be a
lifesaver and a fun family activity???
http://www.frugalmom.net/once_a_month_cooking.htm
There are lots of other resources. This was just the first one I
chose when I googled "freezer cooking"
-Heather
Personally, I don't like to do it, most of the time we have time to
cook each night. But in your specific situation it might be a
lifesaver and a fun family activity???
http://www.frugalmom.net/once_a_month_cooking.htm
There are lots of other resources. This was just the first one I
chose when I googled "freezer cooking"
-Heather
> Also, I might even consider if I was in your situation, going ahead and
> doing once a week type cooking on the weekend and then making dinner
> would consist of reheating the lasagna, soup, whatever - basically,
> reduce the amount of your time required to get dinner prepared so that
> you have more space to spend with the family during the week. And/or get
> a slow cooker that you can set up in the morning and leave until you get
> home, again minimizing the dinner hour crush.
>
> Deb
>
>
> **********************************************************************
> This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
> intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
> are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
> the system manager.
>
> This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
> MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
>
> CNC Software, Inc.
> www.mastercam.com
> **********************************************************************
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Robert Saxon
Maisha,
We've done two broad categories of stuff; external and internal (I guess I
should clarify ;-) ).
Externally, it's much like what's been suggested -- some pre-planning, like
the snacks for kids to munch on, pre-preparing meals, or other of what I
call "guerrilla love-fare". Being sneaky on behalf of your family, you
might say. Unconventional tactics used to keep the peace and further mutual
respect and harmony.
Example: I've found that simply announcing "SUPPER!" can be a great way to
keep everyone away from the supper table. Walking in with a bowl of egg
salad and crackers, sitting down and just eating, well, they look over and
see what I'm doing and join in.
Example: We had a sleepover last Tuesday, and two of our visitors got into
a tug-of-war match over a toy. I could hear them getting more and more
upset from the other room. Finally, I just ran into the room stomping my
feet on the floor all the way (pier-and-beam house), and yelled,
"SASQUATCH!" They just looked up at me like I was crazy (DW says I am) and
started laughing. (NOTE: Normally, I'd try to work it out between them,
but they weren't in a mental space for it as they were tired and hungry and
DW was getting food as quickly as possible.) For us it's a combination of
strategic pre-planning combined with a playful attitude and a slightly
off-center viewpoint.
On the finding the meat smeared all over the couch, well,...that's where the
internal stuff comes in a lot more. For us, this involves how we respond to
the big surprise unknowns. For example, DW walked in to find sugar all over
our living room. ALL OVER the room, the furniture, etc. (GOOD NEWS:
hardwood floors.) I think there was some spilled water in there, too, but
it's hard to recall b/c my memories are a bit red-tinted. Needless to say,
we didn't do too well that day as parents. But what it brought out is that
our default reaction to many "unpleasant surprises" was one of anger and
personal offense. As if they deliberately did something to try to make us
feel bad.
That had to change, that initial reaction. We've tried to supplant it with
sincerely asking questions, like, "Remember, they are more than their
behavior, so: why would they do something like this? Are they angry? Are
they simply being curious and experimenting? What's the motivation behind
this action? And further, if it needs helping, what can I do to help it?"
This is a change we wanted to see in ourselves, but we also had to justify
it to our reptile brains. The following helped us with that: Children are
innately curious. They bond with their parents naturally and WANT to bond
with us. They're not mean or malicious. Children are more than their
behavior. The behavior they display is done for a reason, an understandable
one. Sometims we must play detective to try to find it out, and sometimes
we have to just trust that the reason is valid, even if we don't know what
it is (and never will). The things that matter to them (e.g. having the
pink sippy cup with the purple lid) are just as important to them as paying
the bills on time are to me. Respect that.
Well, that convinces me when I'm calm and here at work away from the kids.
But what got us (and still helps get us) there emotionally? What dampens
that spike of strong emotion? As they say, there is no substitute for
experience...
Sometimes it takes forcing myself to ask those questions listed above
instead of being Captain Justice. Example: My dd2 hit a friend in our
house. Instead of going ballistic on her ("I AM THE LAW!"), I started
asking her questions. I tried being as non-confrontational as possible, and
as caring as I could. Turns out that the friend had hit dd2's sister, dd1,
and dd2 was protecting her. dd1 said they were just playing, but dd2 didn't
see it that way.
Now here's the good bit: I got a peek into her psyche that I otherwise
wouldn't have gotten. This is when I realized how loyal dd2 is. This added
huge amounts of motivation for me to keep asking questions and being
respectful. Not only does it treat them respectfully and provide them with
a safer environment, and help them grow emotionally, but we now have even
more knowledge about her so that our future responses are even MORE
appropriate and respectful. And what parent doesn't want to know their
children?
At the end of the day, sometimes we re-live the day's tough situations the
way we wished we had done it, rather than how we actually did. Some days we
don't know how we wanted to do it and we have to puzzle it out. A bit of
mental practicing and re-living. And more often lately we've also been
sharing our successes with each other. Proof for each other from the front
lines that we're getting better.
I guess to summarize, that "quiet spot" in the middle of the chaos you're
asking about we seem to have found a bit of a quiet spot (sometimes) within
the maelstrom by changing ourselves. I think half of the chaos is really in
my own mind and the chaos of the house just exacerbates it. If I can stop
taking offense and realize that when my kids pester me constantly, or
"experiment" with the markers on the computer screen, they're being Natural
Kids. They love me, and they want to explore their world. ("Hey, who wants
to spray with the spray bottle?" "MEEEE!" "MEEEE!" "Can I wipe with the
towels?") I think they start with so much love to give. I just have to
remember that.
</SOAPBOX_RAMBLE>
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years!
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (6) and Elissa (4 10.5/12)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We've done two broad categories of stuff; external and internal (I guess I
should clarify ;-) ).
Externally, it's much like what's been suggested -- some pre-planning, like
the snacks for kids to munch on, pre-preparing meals, or other of what I
call "guerrilla love-fare". Being sneaky on behalf of your family, you
might say. Unconventional tactics used to keep the peace and further mutual
respect and harmony.
Example: I've found that simply announcing "SUPPER!" can be a great way to
keep everyone away from the supper table. Walking in with a bowl of egg
salad and crackers, sitting down and just eating, well, they look over and
see what I'm doing and join in.
Example: We had a sleepover last Tuesday, and two of our visitors got into
a tug-of-war match over a toy. I could hear them getting more and more
upset from the other room. Finally, I just ran into the room stomping my
feet on the floor all the way (pier-and-beam house), and yelled,
"SASQUATCH!" They just looked up at me like I was crazy (DW says I am) and
started laughing. (NOTE: Normally, I'd try to work it out between them,
but they weren't in a mental space for it as they were tired and hungry and
DW was getting food as quickly as possible.) For us it's a combination of
strategic pre-planning combined with a playful attitude and a slightly
off-center viewpoint.
On the finding the meat smeared all over the couch, well,...that's where the
internal stuff comes in a lot more. For us, this involves how we respond to
the big surprise unknowns. For example, DW walked in to find sugar all over
our living room. ALL OVER the room, the furniture, etc. (GOOD NEWS:
hardwood floors.) I think there was some spilled water in there, too, but
it's hard to recall b/c my memories are a bit red-tinted. Needless to say,
we didn't do too well that day as parents. But what it brought out is that
our default reaction to many "unpleasant surprises" was one of anger and
personal offense. As if they deliberately did something to try to make us
feel bad.
That had to change, that initial reaction. We've tried to supplant it with
sincerely asking questions, like, "Remember, they are more than their
behavior, so: why would they do something like this? Are they angry? Are
they simply being curious and experimenting? What's the motivation behind
this action? And further, if it needs helping, what can I do to help it?"
This is a change we wanted to see in ourselves, but we also had to justify
it to our reptile brains. The following helped us with that: Children are
innately curious. They bond with their parents naturally and WANT to bond
with us. They're not mean or malicious. Children are more than their
behavior. The behavior they display is done for a reason, an understandable
one. Sometims we must play detective to try to find it out, and sometimes
we have to just trust that the reason is valid, even if we don't know what
it is (and never will). The things that matter to them (e.g. having the
pink sippy cup with the purple lid) are just as important to them as paying
the bills on time are to me. Respect that.
Well, that convinces me when I'm calm and here at work away from the kids.
But what got us (and still helps get us) there emotionally? What dampens
that spike of strong emotion? As they say, there is no substitute for
experience...
Sometimes it takes forcing myself to ask those questions listed above
instead of being Captain Justice. Example: My dd2 hit a friend in our
house. Instead of going ballistic on her ("I AM THE LAW!"), I started
asking her questions. I tried being as non-confrontational as possible, and
as caring as I could. Turns out that the friend had hit dd2's sister, dd1,
and dd2 was protecting her. dd1 said they were just playing, but dd2 didn't
see it that way.
Now here's the good bit: I got a peek into her psyche that I otherwise
wouldn't have gotten. This is when I realized how loyal dd2 is. This added
huge amounts of motivation for me to keep asking questions and being
respectful. Not only does it treat them respectfully and provide them with
a safer environment, and help them grow emotionally, but we now have even
more knowledge about her so that our future responses are even MORE
appropriate and respectful. And what parent doesn't want to know their
children?
At the end of the day, sometimes we re-live the day's tough situations the
way we wished we had done it, rather than how we actually did. Some days we
don't know how we wanted to do it and we have to puzzle it out. A bit of
mental practicing and re-living. And more often lately we've also been
sharing our successes with each other. Proof for each other from the front
lines that we're getting better.
I guess to summarize, that "quiet spot" in the middle of the chaos you're
asking about we seem to have found a bit of a quiet spot (sometimes) within
the maelstrom by changing ourselves. I think half of the chaos is really in
my own mind and the chaos of the house just exacerbates it. If I can stop
taking offense and realize that when my kids pester me constantly, or
"experiment" with the markers on the computer screen, they're being Natural
Kids. They love me, and they want to explore their world. ("Hey, who wants
to spray with the spray bottle?" "MEEEE!" "MEEEE!" "Can I wipe with the
towels?") I think they start with so much love to give. I just have to
remember that.
</SOAPBOX_RAMBLE>
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years!
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (6) and Elissa (4 10.5/12)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
carenkh
*sob* And I haven't even listened to the song, yet. What a beautiful
response, Kendrah. I'm glad you're here!
Caren
--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen
response, Kendrah. I'm glad you're here!
Caren
--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen
>
> I just wanted to share this song with you...
hmsdragonfly
--- In [email protected], "Robert Saxon"
<TheSaxons@...> wrote:
one of two frames of mind. Neither is especially conducive to sliding
back into family life.
1. Revved up. If I've had a productive day, the high of that can
carry me home. I have so much energy that I get psyched up to
continue to be productive at home. "I can do X, and I can do Y,
and..." The part of that I don't "think out loud" is a certain
expectation that my energy will be both contagious and retroactive,
like I can infuse my family's entire day with the same "Getting
Things Done" mentality. And then I walk in the house and see the
happy remains ("MESS!" my brain screams) of a day spent in a whole
other, much more important kind of productivity. And the family is
winding *down*, starting to think about quieter times or their
favorite TV shows. Slowing myself down, even long enough for a little
snuggly catchup time, is a challenge.
2. Tired and discouraged. I didn't get enough done. There were too
many piddly details or large obstacles or extra-large egos thrown in
my way. I've been slogging uphill through molasses all day. And I
walk in the door and it all seems MORE OF THE SAME. Nobody helps me.
Everybody makes my life more difficult than it needs to be. Blah blah
blah. Whine whine whine.
You'll notice that both of these have their feet in *my high
expectations for myself*. And the thing that calms me most is
reassuring myself that I did *enough*. If I can walk through the
front door with some acceptance of my self, it's much easier to
accept -- and appreciate -- what I find inside.
I once read a little anecdote, either in Mothering or Reader's
Digest -- how's that for variety, lol -- about a man who would come
home and mime hanging his work day (or maybe his work self) on the
tree outside. I often think of that as I'm walking up the front walk.
Ronnie
P.S. I second the suggestion to call ahead, especially if your
arrival time varies from day to day. My family *understands* that
coming home to mess is hard, and some days they give me the gift of
tidying up. Even if this only happens once in a while, the warmth of
the gift can carry me through more difficult days.
<TheSaxons@...> wrote:
>Bravo.
> Children are more than their behavior. The behavior they display is
> done for a reason, an understandable one. Sometims we must play
> detective to try to find it out, and sometimes
> we have to just trust that the reason is valid, even if we don't
> know what it is (and never will).
> I think half of the chaos is really in my own mind and the chaos ofThis is definitely true in my case. I tend to come home from work in
> the house just exacerbates it.
one of two frames of mind. Neither is especially conducive to sliding
back into family life.
1. Revved up. If I've had a productive day, the high of that can
carry me home. I have so much energy that I get psyched up to
continue to be productive at home. "I can do X, and I can do Y,
and..." The part of that I don't "think out loud" is a certain
expectation that my energy will be both contagious and retroactive,
like I can infuse my family's entire day with the same "Getting
Things Done" mentality. And then I walk in the house and see the
happy remains ("MESS!" my brain screams) of a day spent in a whole
other, much more important kind of productivity. And the family is
winding *down*, starting to think about quieter times or their
favorite TV shows. Slowing myself down, even long enough for a little
snuggly catchup time, is a challenge.
2. Tired and discouraged. I didn't get enough done. There were too
many piddly details or large obstacles or extra-large egos thrown in
my way. I've been slogging uphill through molasses all day. And I
walk in the door and it all seems MORE OF THE SAME. Nobody helps me.
Everybody makes my life more difficult than it needs to be. Blah blah
blah. Whine whine whine.
You'll notice that both of these have their feet in *my high
expectations for myself*. And the thing that calms me most is
reassuring myself that I did *enough*. If I can walk through the
front door with some acceptance of my self, it's much easier to
accept -- and appreciate -- what I find inside.
I once read a little anecdote, either in Mothering or Reader's
Digest -- how's that for variety, lol -- about a man who would come
home and mime hanging his work day (or maybe his work self) on the
tree outside. I often think of that as I'm walking up the front walk.
Ronnie
P.S. I second the suggestion to call ahead, especially if your
arrival time varies from day to day. My family *understands* that
coming home to mess is hard, and some days they give me the gift of
tidying up. Even if this only happens once in a while, the warmth of
the gift can carry me through more difficult days.
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
About a month ago I was in a similar place. Always looking for a
quiet place (even if only mentally). Thoughts like "Leave me alone"
and "Why can't I just have a moments peace" came to mind. That was
not the place I wanted to be in. Intellectually, I knew what I needed
to do, where I wanted to be. I just couldn't seem to get there.
I would have a good dose of undivided time and connection with my
children, then would once again feel depleted, and off in search of
the quiet place. It was the opposite direction of where I needed to
be going though. I knew that. But, how could I start connecting with
the kids in a way that didn't feel obligatory?
Then I remembered this song from a few years ago. I got up and
watched the YouTube video repeatedly one night. I cried and cried
knowing I could be giving so much more than I was. I woke up the next
morning with such a sense of renewal. I've kept it ever since. If I
thought I felt it start slipping away, I would listen to the song
again, or sing it to myself. It would remind me again of where the
answers are. It always takes me back to what is important. Maybe you
could listen to it on your way home from work. Maybe this isn't the
song for you, but some other song, or perhaps a poem will touch you
in the same way.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I recently found something similar to this. I was laying alone in my bed
after having told my dh to "go away" because I was upset with him. I really
didn't want him to "go away", but he did ask I asked, not as I thought. Go
figure, lol! Anyway, I got to thinking about how I needed alone time. Except
I knew that really wasn't the case. I like alone time, but it doesn't always
make me feel better.
My "song" is actually a character in a series of books by Peirs Anthony. The
Mode Series <http://www.piers-anthony.com/mode.html>, it is called. There is
a character, from a different universe who can "draw in" emotion from
others, multiply it, and send it out to the multitudes. So, I am working on
becoming something like that. "Drawing in" the chaos (or whatever), like
drinking it up, letting it fuel me and fill me up (after all, my kids will
only be this age for this moment) so that I will be able to give more to my
family. My goal is that eventually, nothing will "deplete" me. That is not
to say that I will never want time by myself and I don't know that I will
ever get to "Nothing can deplete me", but it is helping so far.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
About a month ago I was in a similar place. Always looking for a
quiet place (even if only mentally). Thoughts like "Leave me alone"
and "Why can't I just have a moments peace" came to mind. That was
not the place I wanted to be in. Intellectually, I knew what I needed
to do, where I wanted to be. I just couldn't seem to get there.
I would have a good dose of undivided time and connection with my
children, then would once again feel depleted, and off in search of
the quiet place. It was the opposite direction of where I needed to
be going though. I knew that. But, how could I start connecting with
the kids in a way that didn't feel obligatory?
Then I remembered this song from a few years ago. I got up and
watched the YouTube video repeatedly one night. I cried and cried
knowing I could be giving so much more than I was. I woke up the next
morning with such a sense of renewal. I've kept it ever since. If I
thought I felt it start slipping away, I would listen to the song
again, or sing it to myself. It would remind me again of where the
answers are. It always takes me back to what is important. Maybe you
could listen to it on your way home from work. Maybe this isn't the
song for you, but some other song, or perhaps a poem will touch you
in the same way.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I recently found something similar to this. I was laying alone in my bed
after having told my dh to "go away" because I was upset with him. I really
didn't want him to "go away", but he did ask I asked, not as I thought. Go
figure, lol! Anyway, I got to thinking about how I needed alone time. Except
I knew that really wasn't the case. I like alone time, but it doesn't always
make me feel better.
My "song" is actually a character in a series of books by Peirs Anthony. The
Mode Series <http://www.piers-anthony.com/mode.html>, it is called. There is
a character, from a different universe who can "draw in" emotion from
others, multiply it, and send it out to the multitudes. So, I am working on
becoming something like that. "Drawing in" the chaos (or whatever), like
drinking it up, letting it fuel me and fill me up (after all, my kids will
only be this age for this moment) so that I will be able to give more to my
family. My goal is that eventually, nothing will "deplete" me. That is not
to say that I will never want time by myself and I don't know that I will
ever get to "Nothing can deplete me", but it is helping so far.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]