Karen Swanay

My son Liam (9) is having a hard time with this concept. He's nervous
he will "be behind" (because he's been to school) and I don't know
what to tell him. "How will I get into college with no grades?" "Do
I need to take the GED?" That kind of thing. He's kind of a worrier
by nature...well a quiet worrier, so this stuff bounces around in his
brain for a long time until he's finally overwrought and it comes out.
And I don't think I've been able to give him an answer that helps him
relax. John on the other hand (11) doesn't seem to ever worry about
it at all.

So what do you recommend I say to Liam to help him relax? I want him
to know that he can be a Dr or whatever he decides he wants to do when
he gets older even if he hasn't been put through the public school
combine.

And if we move to DC he wants to go to a private Jewish school. (It's
13K a year YIKES!) I've told him we can go visit it (our moving there
is very iffy really so we don't plan to far out) and see what he
thinks. I don't know what to say to him. If he wants to go back to
school do I encourage him to do that? He does seem to do better when
he's in school because he doesn't worry about this other stuff and I
can't help but think if I could do a better job of answering him he
could relax about it.

TIA
Karen

ENSEMBLE S-WAYNFORTH

The Teenage Liberation Handbook might be a good resource for Liam. It is a sort of guide to how an immersive life can produce an amazingly well-educated individual. As a side note there is no reason why he can't get a GED. I dropped out of high school and have a GED and a master's degree in Evolutionary Anthropology. The GED didn't limit me at all, I'm not sure about the master's degree. Doing a quick google with "homeschool college" I found this site http://www.ehow.com/how_7571_college-homeschool.html. I would find the answers to his questions so that you could help to calm his fears.

I think it must be really hard to feel like you are falling behind. I can remember at the beginning of every school year planning to be good, to buckle down and work hard. I would have my three ring binder organised because organisation was the key to knowledge, right? Oh and I always failed by about the 3rd week in. And I floundered all year, knowing that I should be able to do this stuff, but I just couldn't. Knowing that I would never be any good at anything. Poor Liam. It must be scary to have those kinds of fears whirling around in your brain. http://sandradodd.com/teens might comfort a bit. Although it might make him feel lacking. It is easy to compare yourself line for line with someone else and see how you don't measure up. In the end the best way to make him feel better might be to up the engagement in his life. Not that I am suggesting he doesn't have an engaging life, but sometimes those fears could be a product of not feeling active or
involved enough.

Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com

==========================

My
son
Liam
(9)
is
having
a
hard
time
with
this
concept.
He's
nervous
he
will
"be
behind"
(because
he's
been
to
school)
and
I
don't
know
what
to
tell
him.
"How
will
I
get
into
college
with
no
grades?"
"Do
I
need
to
take
the
GED?"
That
kind
of
thing.
He's
kind
of
a
worrier
by
nature...well
a
quiet
worrier,
so
this
stuff
bounces
around
in
his
brain
for
a
long
time
until
he's
finally
overwrought
and
it
comes
out.

And
I
don't
think
I've
been
able
to
give
him
an
answer
that
helps
him
relax.
John
on
the
other
hand
(11)
doesn't
seem
to
ever
worry
about
it
at
all.

So
what
do
you
recommend
I
say
to
Liam
to
help
him
relax?
I
want
him
to
know
that
he
can
be
a
Dr
or
whatever
he
decides
he
wants
to
do
when
he
gets
older
even
if
he
hasn't
been
put
through
the
public
school
combine.

And
if
we
move
to
DC
he
wants
to
go
to
a
private
Jewish
school.
(It's
13K
a
year
YIKES!)
I've
told
him
we
can
go
visit
it
(our
moving
there
is
very
iffy
really
so
we
don't
plan
to
far
out)
and
see
what
he
thinks.
I
don't
know
what
to
say
to
him.
If
he
wants
to
go
back
to
school
do
I
encourage
him
to
do
that?
He
does
seem
to
do
better
when
he's
in
school
because
he
doesn't
worry
about
this
other
stuff
and
I
can't
help
but
think
if
I
could
do
a
better
job
of
answering
him
he
could
relax
about
it.

TIA
Karen



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Karen Swanay

Thanks I'll get that book and we'll look at the web sites.

It's not that Liam's life isn't engaging enough, I think it's the lack
of *measureables" that does it. It reminds me of the cartoon Franklin
which we are watching again because of Morgan =) Anyway, they are all
losing teeth but Franklin doesn't because turtles don't have teeth and
he's OK about that until one of his friends says "Without teeth...how
do you know you are getting bigger?" And I think that's the thing for
Liam, "Without grades how do I know I'm learning and if I know I'm
learning how will other people know it?" So those sites may just calm
his fears.

Thank you so much!
Karen

On Fri, Feb 22, 2008 at 2:43 AM, ENSEMBLE S-WAYNFORTH
<s.waynforth@...> wrote:
The Teenage Liberation Handbook might be a good resource for Liam. It is a
> sort of guide to how an immersive life can produce an amazingly
> well-educated individual. As a side note there is no reason why he can't get
> a GED. I dropped out of high school and have a GED and a master's degree in
> Evolutionary Anthropology. The GED didn't limit me at all, I'm not sure
> about the master's degree. Doing a quick google with "homeschool college" I
> found this site http://www.ehow.com/how_7571_college-homeschool.html. I
> would find the answers to his questions so that you could help to calm his
> fears.

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...>

My son Liam (9) is having a hard time with this concept. He's nervous
he will "be behind" (because he's been to school) and I don't know
what to tell him. "How will I get into college with no grades?" "Do
I need to take the GED?" That kind of thing. He's kind of a worrier
by nature...well a quiet worrier, so this stuff bounces around in his
brain for a long time until he's finally overwrought and it comes out.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Cameron had the same doubts. We'd sent him to a private prep school, so
not only did he have those thoughts instilled by the school and his
teachers and peers, but by ME too! He was 13 when we pulled him out,
and it took YEARS for him to be able to see that this was a *good*
thing.

Now, he never actually wanted to go BACK to school, but he wasn't sure
I was all-so-flippin'-smart either. <g> Talking to his friends
*continually* gave him reason to wonder whether this was a good idea or
not. "Not" generally won out.

He can look back now and agree it was a great idea---this unschooling
stuff, but that doesn't change how he felt *then*.

-=-=-=-=-=-

So what do you recommend I say to Liam to help him relax? I want him
to know that he can be a Dr or whatever he decides he wants to do when
he gets older even if he hasn't been put through the public school
combine.

-=-=-=-=-=-

I know it's hard now. BTDT. Honestly, not much *you* can say will make
a difference---not for a while, anyway. I mean---it wasn't that long
ago that *you* made him go to school, right? <G>

I can't remember where you are. Is it possible to get to a conference?
Meeting other teens can help a LOT. Older teens/young adults especially.

Just seeing the absolute JOY in them---and how remarkably comfortable
they are with each other, with their own selves, with adults, and with
their environment---he can't help but be inspired (you too!).

-=-=-=-=-=-

And if we move to DC he wants to go to a private Jewish school. (It's
13K a year YIKES!) I've told him we can go visit it (our moving there
is very iffy really so we don't plan to far out) and see what he
thinks. I don't know what to say to him. If he wants to go back to
school do I encourage him to do that?

-=-=-=-=-

I wouldn't *encourage* it. But I wouldn't deny it either. Make *home* a
place that offers as much---if not *more* than school ever could.

-=-=-=-=-=-

He does seem to do better when
he's in school because he doesn't worry about this other stuff and I
can't help but think if I could do a better job of answering him he
could relax about it.

-=-=-==-

Have you ever seen/read The Shawshank Redemption? Stephen King?

One of the characters gets released. He can't handle it. Prison is all
he's ever known. It's a *safe* place for him because he's been told for
the majority of his life what, when, and how. He has too hard of a time
dealing with freedom on the outside, so he hangs himself.

I think school can *do* that to us as well. Freedom's HARD. It's a
*job* to learn how to handle freedom and all it entails. Sometimes the
familiarity of NO freedom is easier.

It DOES get better. Time and patience.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com

marji

At 15:47 2/22/2008, Kelly wrote:

>It DOES get better. Time and patience.
>

Hey, Karen,

As you know, I have a Liam, too! What a guy! He has not always been
unschooled. He went to a Montessori kindergarten and half of first
grade. He left there with an extremely crummy opinion of
himself. Even though I had gotten a job working there so I could be
there with him all the time, and even though I expressly instructed
the teacher not to impose so-called learning activities on him unless
he specifically asked, he walked away feeling that he was less than
the other kids because they were being forced to do acquire skills he
was simply not ready for and didn't need. Breaks my damn heart,
thinking of what I had put him through (even though I had always
believed we'd unschool!).

(Briefly, my screwed-up MO was to attempt to unschool him in this
kid-rich environment; he craved being around other kids, and there
flat-out weren't any around. I thought I could bring in unschooling
the way other kids bring lunch from home. I'm here to tell you that
it TOTALLY doesn't work that way!)

Anyway, I am delighted to report that he no longer sees himself in
that dim light, even though he only just within the past year
acquired reading. He sees himself as the brilliant person he is. I
know this because he was trying to figure out where we were hiding
his birthday presents. He was drilling me: "Is it in your closet?"
etc. And then he stopped and said, "Wait a minute. I'm smart; I can
figure this out." And then he did! He accurately surmised that I
buy his presents online and have them shipped elsewhere. (Naturally,
I didn't let on. I said, "Oooohhh, now *that's* a good idea!" I
gotta try to stay one step ahead of this kid, and that's not so easy;
he's as sharp as a tack!)

Anyway, I think what has helped Liam was gaining a better definition
of "smart" and "intelligent," etc. These words had meant something
to him, despite his brief experience, in a schoolish way. But, the
school-definitions of those words are not real-life definitions, and
it was important for him to get that.

Another thing is that we show him his brilliance through our
eyes. It's not really praise; it's more like recognition and
acknowledgement. We're subtle about it, and we give him ample
opportunities where we can, if I may borrow an expression from
another wonderful unschooling list, see him Shine, and I believe he
sees his own Shine reflected back in our loving, joyful eyes.

As Kelly said, it takes time and patience.

Anyway, I don't know if this is all that helpful or even germane to
your question; it's just our experience. :-)

~Marji



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Adrean Clark

For a while my oldest argued with his brothers about who's smartest.
He really felt the need to prove his intellectual superiority and took
it personally when a four-year-old insisted he was smarter. One of the
twins also picked up "stupid" from preschool. He was quite adept on
picking up the sign for it as well.

I am very glad this issue seems to have faded out with them since
we've been out of the comparison game...

Adrean

On 2/22/08, marji <marji@...> wrote:
> At 15:47 2/22/2008, Kelly wrote:
>
> >It DOES get better. Time and patience.
> >
>
> Hey, Karen,
>
> As you know, I have a Liam, too! What a guy! He has not always been
> unschooled. He went to a Montessori kindergarten and half of first
> grade. He left there with an extremely crummy opinion of
> himself. Even though I had gotten a job working there so I could be
> there with him all the time, and even though I expressly instructed
> the teacher not to impose so-called learning activities on him unless
> he specifically asked, he walked away feeling that he was less than
> the other kids because they were being forced to do acquire skills he
> was simply not ready for and didn't need. Breaks my damn heart,
> thinking of what I had put him through (even though I had always
> believed we'd unschool!).
>
> (Briefly, my screwed-up MO was to attempt to unschool him in this
> kid-rich environment; he craved being around other kids, and there
> flat-out weren't any around. I thought I could bring in unschooling
> the way other kids bring lunch from home. I'm here to tell you that
> it TOTALLY doesn't work that way!)
>
> Anyway, I am delighted to report that he no longer sees himself in
> that dim light, even though he only just within the past year
> acquired reading. He sees himself as the brilliant person he is. I
> know this because he was trying to figure out where we were hiding
> his birthday presents. He was drilling me: "Is it in your closet?"
> etc. And then he stopped and said, "Wait a minute. I'm smart; I can
> figure this out." And then he did! He accurately surmised that I
> buy his presents online and have them shipped elsewhere. (Naturally,
> I didn't let on. I said, "Oooohhh, now *that's* a good idea!" I
> gotta try to stay one step ahead of this kid, and that's not so easy;
> he's as sharp as a tack!)
>
> Anyway, I think what has helped Liam was gaining a better definition
> of "smart" and "intelligent," etc. These words had meant something
> to him, despite his brief experience, in a schoolish way. But, the
> school-definitions of those words are not real-life definitions, and
> it was important for him to get that.
>
> Another thing is that we show him his brilliance through our
> eyes. It's not really praise; it's more like recognition and
> acknowledgement. We're subtle about it, and we give him ample
> opportunities where we can, if I may borrow an expression from
> another wonderful unschooling list, see him Shine, and I believe he
> sees his own Shine reflected back in our loving, joyful eyes.
>
> As Kelly said, it takes time and patience.
>
> Anyway, I don't know if this is all that helpful or even germane to
> your question; it's just our experience. :-)
>
> ~Marji
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>

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