Kasey Frazier

I have a 8 yr old son with high functioning Autism. He loves the xbox
360 .. I mean LOVES it. He is also awesome at it. I do not mind him
playing it, there are days that he will play it for the entire day.
His newest game is Star Wars Battle Front 2... It may seem to be a
bit to much for some that he plays it but he loves it. He is
generally a great kid and usually pretty happy. ( we have some
behavioural issues..) Latley about the past 6-8 weeks he has been
getting very nasty over the gameing. Calling his brother an idiot
and that he hates him playing the game with him. He seems to be only
playing the game for the win and not for the pleasure of playing it
anymore. If he does not get to play if for some reason he also
becomes very nasty and screams and stomps through the house. It is
becomeing something I want to rid the house of. We have done time
constraints and days off and all of it to letting him play as much as
he wants.. It does not matter he is just plain ole' nasty about the
whole issue almost OCD over it.
Also it can be the xbox or computer games...

But being a parent that believes in unschooling and letting him lead
the way it is seeming to be a challenge for me to just take it away.

Help!!!

Thanks

Kasey

Andrew and Cecily Paterson

Hi Kasey,

Have you ever looked at RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) for your
son's autism?

They do react differently to games and competition and doing things 'with'
people than neurotypical kids, so you do probably need to take a different
approach.

I have an autistic son, yet to reach school age. I'll be completely
unschooling my daughter but doing RDI with my son... they have different
needs.

Cecily



From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Kasey Frazier
Sent: Thursday, 14 February 2008 5:22 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Gameing Issue



I have a 8 yr old son with high functioning Autism. He loves the xbox
360 .. I mean LOVES it. He is also awesome at it. I do not mind him
playing it, there are days that he will play it for the entire day.
His newest game is Star Wars Battle Front 2... It may seem to be a
bit to much for some that he plays it but he loves it. He is
generally a great kid and usually pretty happy. ( we have some
behavioural issues..) Latley about the past 6-8 weeks he has been
getting very nasty over the gameing. Calling his brother an idiot
and that he hates him playing the game with him. He seems to be only
playing the game for the win and not for the pleasure of playing it
anymore. If he does not get to play if for some reason he also
becomes very nasty and screams and stomps through the house. It is
becomeing something I want to rid the house of. We have done time
constraints and days off and all of it to letting him play as much as
he wants.. It does not matter he is just plain ole' nasty about the
whole issue almost OCD over it.
Also it can be the xbox or computer games...

But being a parent that believes in unschooling and letting him lead
the way it is seeming to be a challenge for me to just take it away.

Help!!!

Thanks

Kasey





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Karen Swanay

My boys are the same. I HATE those damn game systems because of the number
of fights and pure ugliness they engender. My boys love Battlefront too.
I'll be following this thread with interest because again this is one of
those times when one kid can't have all they want all the time because they
have to take turns.

Karen


>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

marji

Hi, Kasey,

What I'm getting is that your 8-year-old son is passionate about
playing and that he's really serious about it. That's good. As an
extremely wise person told me once (Deb Lewis or Diana maybe?), the
world needs more passionate people.

This sentence you wrote:

>"He seems to be only playing the game for the win and not for the
>pleasure of playing it
>anymore."

suggests that you have a subjective opinion (redundant, I know) that
he *should* be playing these games for the pleasure of it. But,
that's *your* opinion. He's got his other reasons, and they are valid.

>"If he does not get to play if for some reason he also becomes very
>nasty and screams and stomps through the house."

I would want to do that, too, if I couldn't do something that meant a
lot to me. Even more so if that thing were being deliberately
withheld from me! If you can put yourself in his place, you'll see
what I mean.

>We have done time constraints and days off and all of it...

But, by my lights, preventing him from doing something he loves
*cannot* help him be happier. It can only lead to resentment and a
feeling perhaps of insecurity and frustration in his own home.

>...to letting him play as much as he wants.. It does not matter he
>is just plain ole' nasty about the
>whole issue almost OCD over it.

It could be that there is a new dimension for him of wondering when
he will be prevented from playing.

>But being a parent that believes in unschooling and letting him lead
>the way it is seeming to be a challenge for me to just take it away.

Fortunately, those are not your only two choices. :-)

My son, now 13, had a lot intense emotions around playing. He still
does, in fact. He loves gaming and it broke my heart to see him be
so upset over the games. I couldn't comfort him, either, even though
I wanted to so badly; my attempts to do that only made him feel
worse. I think it was because he couldn't retain his dignity; he
needed privacy to express his frustration. I would have felt the
same way! Plus, my need to fix things was interfering with his
ability to get what he needed to get from the experience.

What I ended up doing was:

1. Allow him the space and privacy he needed to feel his feelings
without my interference, and
2. I helped him (and still do) wherever possible, whether it is
getting him the guide for the game or looking things up on the
Internet. This has made a huge difference, not only in his ability
to be successful while playing the games, but also in our closeness.

I hope this is helpful!

~Marji









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jacquie Krauskopf

I LOVE The Sims- the original, on the PC. Last summer i found a whole set of them for one dollar a piece at the yard sale along with other games. I began to play them a little in my spare time I found. Jonah 7, began to watch and became interested in it and soon wanted to play. I did not think he would like it or be able to understand too much of it. I finally let him try it and lo and behold he loved it too!
The big surpise to me is that souly due to that game, he learned money. He learned that one needs to work to make money. He learned more about place value and how to read numbers! Big numbers!
I learned that we can't underestimate what or how a child can learn and this goes to both positive learning and negitive learning. I love that while a lot of kids are in the classroom sitting at hard desks that hurt are forced to do drills and worksheets while mine learned the same thing while playing a computer game!

Jacquie


---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

My oldest ds went through this. If I remember correctly, he was a
bit older, around 12-14 age range. I tried punishments like limiting
his game and even taking away the game system all together to get
him to "behave" but he just wouldn't. (Who would want to under those
circumstances?) In fact, I think of all my restrictions just made it
worse. In spite of me, as he got older and matured he was able to
control himself better. Now he plays games and is still a pleasant
person to be around. Looking back knowing what I know now I wish I
had just let him do his thing. I don't know how that could help but
just thought I'd share.

Alysia

--- In [email protected], "Kasey Frazier"
<Fraziermk@...> wrote:
>
> I have a 8 yr old son with high functioning Autism. He loves the
xbox
> 360 .. I mean LOVES it. He is also awesome at it. I do not mind
him
> playing it, there are days that he will play it for the entire
day.
> His newest game is Star Wars Battle Front 2... It may seem to be
a
> bit to much for some that he plays it but he loves it. He is
> generally a great kid and usually pretty happy. ( we have some
> behavioural issues..) Latley about the past 6-8 weeks he has been
> getting very nasty over the gameing. Calling his brother an idiot
> and that he hates him playing the game with him. He seems to be
only
> playing the game for the win and not for the pleasure of playing
it
> anymore. If he does not get to play if for some reason he also
> becomes very nasty and screams and stomps through the house. It
is
> becomeing something I want to rid the house of. We have done time
> constraints and days off and all of it to letting him play as much
as
> he wants.. It does not matter he is just plain ole' nasty about
the
> whole issue almost OCD over it.
> Also it can be the xbox or computer games...
>
> But being a parent that believes in unschooling and letting him
lead
> the way it is seeming to be a challenge for me to just take it
away.
>
> Help!!!
>
> Thanks
>
> Kasey
>

Kasey Frazier

Well thanks for all the positive responses it is better than on my
one other list.. I guess I do not fit in there to much..
Anyways I will definatley look into some of the suggestions.. you
guys are always great and supportive..
Kasey







--- In [email protected], "Andrew and Cecily
Paterson" <tuipiri@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Kasey,
>
> Have you ever looked at RDI (Relationship Development Intervention)
for your
> son's autism?
>
> They do react differently to games and competition and doing
things 'with'
> people than neurotypical kids, so you do probably need to take a
different
> approach.
>
> I have an autistic son, yet to reach school age. I'll be completely
> unschooling my daughter but doing RDI with my son... they have
different
> needs.
>
> Cecily
>
>
>
> From: [email protected]
> [mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Kasey
Frazier
> Sent: Thursday, 14 February 2008 5:22 PM
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Gameing Issue
>
>
>
> I have a 8 yr old son with high functioning Autism. He loves the
xbox
> 360 .. I mean LOVES it. He is also awesome at it. I do not mind him
> playing it, there are days that he will play it for the entire day.
> His newest game is Star Wars Battle Front 2... It may seem to be a
> bit to much for some that he plays it but he loves it. He is
> generally a great kid and usually pretty happy. ( we have some
> behavioural issues..) Latley about the past 6-8 weeks he has been
> getting very nasty over the gameing. Calling his brother an idiot
> and that he hates him playing the game with him. He seems to be
only
> playing the game for the win and not for the pleasure of playing it
> anymore. If he does not get to play if for some reason he also
> becomes very nasty and screams and stomps through the house. It is
> becomeing something I want to rid the house of. We have done time
> constraints and days off and all of it to letting him play as much
as
> he wants.. It does not matter he is just plain ole' nasty about the
> whole issue almost OCD over it.
> Also it can be the xbox or computer games...
>
> But being a parent that believes in unschooling and letting him
lead
> the way it is seeming to be a challenge for me to just take it
away.
>
> Help!!!
>
> Thanks
>
> Kasey
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Kathleen Gehrke

My kids are fast typers. They can calculate hit point averages, know
how much gold they need to buy what they want at the auction house.
Know how many copper it takes to make one gold. They can run a quest.
Meaning follow directions and work within the guidelines of a guild.

They are practicing high level thinking including statistics,
interpersonal relations and language development. They share some
wonderful thing that has happened to them in a game or online daily.
They also have learned a fairbit about computer programing recently.

At our house we have three computers. I have seven kids sharing them.
There can be a moment of tension when someone wants to play and someone
is still playing. We talk a lot about how each of us want to be treated
around the game. We try to make sure each person gets what they are
asking for.. That sometimes means they have to wait a bit, but that
usually turns into watching your brother or sister defeat the guy they
are battling and get the loot.

We have been radically unschooling for three years now. Meaning no
limits for games, tv, food, sleep. Only a policy of mutual respect.

I remember when we began this journey lots more bickering about gaming
and getting a turn. Not trusting that they would get what they needed.
That someone would block them.

As far as emotional and hot tempers around the gaming. I have a very
emotionally sensitive guy who still sometimes gets upset at what is
going on in a game. He really needs for us to hear him and not stop him
from expressing his frustration. I used to want to be correcting him,
but when a partner with him, just like I want when I have a bad time
with something, it turns around fairly quickly.

For younger sibs who have been the brundt of frustration sometimes it
helps to watch out for them. Help them know that the frustration is at
the game and not at them. Whenever I have asked my son, when he is done
venting, if so and so is really an idiot <or whatever> the answer is
almost always no.. With a real sorry to the offended party. Not one
that has been forced or coerced.

I also love that the kids have really learned how to support each other
in their gaming. They will talk a game and understand each other all
the way through a meal. They patiently explain it to me. I am a big
animal crossing fan, but prefer to just watch the kids play other games.

Anyway I just wanted to say that gaming has been a wonderful addition
to our lives.

Kathleen

dana_burdick

You have tried the let-him-play-all-day thing. And, you have tried
the limit/take away thing. Neither of which seems to be meeting his
needs at this point. And, if neither is meeting his needs, neither
is unschooling, even though letting him play all day may seem so at
first. Instead of thinking about letting him do this or letting him
do that, try not using the word `letting' at all. Try using the word
helping, instead. How can you HELP him? Before you can help, of
course, you'll have to get down to what he really needs right now.
You'll then have to ask yourself, what does help look like?

What has been going on specifically in his game(s) in the last 6-8
weeks? If he has reached a level that he cannot beat, this may cause
his frustration and cause him to feel disempowered. If this is the
case, then taking the computer away from him or limiting his time
will disempower him twice over. If you could see all that is going
on in his mind with the game, it might be easier to understand where
he is coming from. I would get as many details as possible about
what has been going on in the game(s). See what goes on
specifically with him and his brother while playing. Play the game
yourself to gain more appreciation. As far as help goes, try
asking him directly how you can help. Perhaps you could try the
following. Get online and find out how other players have gotten
past the tough areas. Find websites with cheats or pointers. Look
for other games in that genre that may give him another avenue for
continuing his passion. Ask him if he would like time to play by
himself without his brother.

I think there is much confusion about the whole computer/video game
thing and unschooling. It's easy to get the impression that
unschooling is about letting your child play video games all day,
every day, 24/7 NO MATTER WHAT. There is so much darn focus on
video games and TV that the true message is obscured. A broader
description might be, when your child is happy and content, what he
does and how long he does it is not so important. One child's
happiness may look like playing video games a good portion of the
day. Another child's may look like painting or reading or cooking.
None are better or worse than the other. When happiness is not
present however, the book, the food, the painting or the video game
is not to blame. It's time to look for unfulfilled needs and see how
you can help out.

-Dana

My son had this to say about computer games. "I play games for
enjoying it and to feel like a god. I call the shots and I come out
the other end in one piece. "

Kasey Frazier

tHANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT...
That was an awesome post you put all the words where I needed them...
It really is not about the "t.v, game or paint" it really is about
the happiness of it all..
Just as I could crochet and read all day... is that good or bad?
Really I do not care it makes me happy and that is what matters in
the end..
Thank You for reminding me of the trueness of it all..
Kasey







--- In [email protected], "dana_burdick"
<DanaBurdick@...> wrote:
>
> You have tried the let-him-play-all-day thing. And, you have tried
> the limit/take away thing. Neither of which seems to be meeting
his
> needs at this point. And, if neither is meeting his needs, neither
> is unschooling, even though letting him play all day may seem so at
> first. Instead of thinking about letting him do this or letting
him
> do that, try not using the word `letting' at all. Try using the
word
> helping, instead. How can you HELP him? Before you can help, of
> course, you'll have to get down to what he really needs right now.
> You'll then have to ask yourself, what does help look like?
>
> What has been going on specifically in his game(s) in the last 6-8
> weeks? If he has reached a level that he cannot beat, this may
cause
> his frustration and cause him to feel disempowered. If this is
the
> case, then taking the computer away from him or limiting his time
> will disempower him twice over. If you could see all that is going
> on in his mind with the game, it might be easier to understand
where
> he is coming from. I would get as many details as possible about
> what has been going on in the game(s). See what goes on
> specifically with him and his brother while playing. Play the game
> yourself to gain more appreciation. As far as help goes, try
> asking him directly how you can help. Perhaps you could try the
> following. Get online and find out how other players have gotten
> past the tough areas. Find websites with cheats or pointers.
Look
> for other games in that genre that may give him another avenue for
> continuing his passion. Ask him if he would like time to play by
> himself without his brother.
>
> I think there is much confusion about the whole computer/video game
> thing and unschooling. It's easy to get the impression that
> unschooling is about letting your child play video games all day,
> every day, 24/7 NO MATTER WHAT. There is so much darn focus on
> video games and TV that the true message is obscured. A broader
> description might be, when your child is happy and content, what he
> does and how long he does it is not so important. One child's
> happiness may look like playing video games a good portion of the
> day. Another child's may look like painting or reading or
cooking.
> None are better or worse than the other. When happiness is not
> present however, the book, the food, the painting or the video game
> is not to blame. It's time to look for unfulfilled needs and see
how
> you can help out.
>
> -Dana
>
> My son had this to say about computer games. "I play games for
> enjoying it and to feel like a god. I call the shots and I come
out
> the other end in one piece. "
>