Jodi Bezzola

Hi Ren, I'm not sure if you missed this one - might have been lost in the shuffle, and I would love a response, thanks :o)

I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not now. Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?

I picked up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" at the library after it was suggested by someone in this group, and it's rather discouraging how much of it fits for Ryan and I right now. Especially since we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan getting triggered even more by all that is out of his control, and often it's me that takes the brunt of it.

I would be happy for you to email me offlist if that's what you're comfortable with, or onlist if it could possibly help anyone else. I don't have an issue at all with airing this in front of the group, since I would suspect that there is the odd other couple out there who has had a rocky time <g>.

Thanks,
Jodi


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Ren Allen

~~
I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some
issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not
now. Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?~~

Ours were more about control issues...which are directly linked to
emotional abuse in a sense. He did do some stomping around and being
generally grumpy and making everyone uncomfortable too.
What changed?
Wow...that's a story that spans years and a separation and counseling.
Mostly, I put my foot down and told him that certain things were not
acceptable. Ever. I was willing to be a partner if he was willing to
really examine issues and work harder to be not only respectful but
democratic. He's really a pretty laid back guy over all, but he picked
up some not-so-helpful behaviors from both societal messages and his
raising.

It seems like layer upon layer we both extract and refine this stuff.
It doesn't magically go away, but it got better and better over the
years. Some things were better because I was unwilling to live with
it. A lot of it got better because he really cares very deeply about
doing better.

Our latest intense discussion revolved around my pointing out his
ability to disconnect at times and leave a lot of traditional "female"
roles to me. I was the stay-at-home parent for most of our marriage
but I'm not anymore and yet a lot of the caretaking roles were still
being left to me. We had a great discussion about how his Dad was
loving and a good provider, but hugely uninvolved and the messages he
picked up from that raising.

He realizes that his natural inclination is to disconnect over certain
things. He's been extra available and connected since that
discussion....even taking the kids to their dentist appointments last
week, something I would normally have handled.

Anyway, I think it takes someone who is willing to change and sees
where they can do better if they are being controlling and/or
disrespectful (I had a lot to learn about that too). I think it takes
a certain ability from the other partner to not allow themselves to be
walked on or treated poorly. A big dose of forgiveness and space is
helpful too. :)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com