Kiersten Pasciak

How do you follow the desires of one child to go do something they
are interested in when another child in your care wants nothing to
do with it???

Today, my 2 kids really want to head out to the book and toy lending
library and my niece is refusing to cooperate. I can feel myself
boiling inside! I want to put my kids first and take care of their
needs to be out of the house, go do something fun, etc. and my need
to return our previously borrowed toys. She is being difficult.

I am sure I will face this with my own 2 as they get older and their
interests diverge. There is only 1 of me staying home with them. I
would be interested in hearing how others handle this situation.

Kiersten

Katie

This is a great question!! I'd be interested in knowing how to
creatively solve this situation as well.

Katie

--- In [email protected], "Kiersten Pasciak"
<kjl8@c...> wrote:
> How do you follow the desires of one child to go do something they
> are interested in when another child in your care wants nothing to
> do with it???
>
> Today, my 2 kids really want to head out to the book and toy
lending
> library and my niece is refusing to cooperate. I can feel myself
> boiling inside! I want to put my kids first and take care of their
> needs to be out of the house, go do something fun, etc. and my
need
> to return our previously borrowed toys. She is being difficult.
>
> I am sure I will face this with my own 2 as they get older and
their
> interests diverge. There is only 1 of me staying home with them. I
> would be interested in hearing how others handle this situation.
>
> Kiersten

Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

I wanted to respond to this because it is a constant dynamic in our house as
well, not only between my two children, but also my niece (as is the case
with you) who I take care of a lot or just invite over to play a lot. I try
to help them have conversations about how we can resolve it... So the first
avenue we try is "Okay, here's where each person wants to go, these are
different places, is there a place we can all agree on to go together that
is either one of these places or a different place altogether?" and we
brainstorm that. If that doesn't work, we move to "Okay, is there a way to
go to multiple places that would work for mama, the driver, the time we have
today to go out and what everyone wants to do?" I also include myself in
the mix, but equally, if I have a desire/preference to go a certain place.

So in your situation, with two wanting one place, and the third not, I'd ask
my niece if there is a place she wants to go while we're out and see if we
could do both. Often if my son for instance is feeling resistant, he'll
decide to go if we can do the Dairy Queen drive-through on the way, or if we
can stop by the library to see Daddy (dh is a librarian at our library in
the town we live in). If the issue is that niece doesn't want to go out at
all, instead of viewing it as her being "difficult", I'd see it as her
giving her preference. I'd ask why ... maybe there's a game niece wants to
play before we go, maybe she would be willing to play it after, whatever it
is, it's worth finding out so you can discuss it and see if things can be
resolved.

I also want to say that I think there is a dynamic with me where it's
especially frustrating when my own two kids to agree (sometimes feels so
impossible) and it's my niece who is holding things up. Arghhh! I really
try to watch that I'm applying the same thinking to the situation whether
it's my niece or my own child who is the one who wants to do something
different, because I think I do have a tendency to prefer the wants of my
own kids, but I don't think that's my own higher voice or instinct calling
me. I don't want my niece to get the message that she is treated somehow
worse than one of my own kids at my house and I wouldn't want my kids to get
the message a friend or cousin is somehow treated differently. The
challenge is coming up with the energy for that for this third child when
that third child isn't with me the majority of the time.

Hope that helps...

Joan

************************
"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than
live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." ... Harry
Emerson Fosdick



Message: 7
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 14:06:07 -0000
From: "Kiersten Pasciak" <kjl8@...>
Subject: Balancing the needs/wants of more than one child

How do you follow the desires of one child to go do something they
are interested in when another child in your care wants nothing to
do with it???

Today, my 2 kids really want to head out to the book and toy lending
library and my niece is refusing to cooperate. I can feel myself
boiling inside! I want to put my kids first and take care of their
needs to be out of the house, go do something fun, etc. and my need
to return our previously borrowed toys. She is being difficult.

I am sure I will face this with my own 2 as they get older and their
interests diverge. There is only 1 of me staying home with them. I
would be interested in hearing how others handle this situation.

Kiersten

Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

Back from vacation and wanted to say thanks to Robyn, Ren and others who
responded on my post about toy guns and uncomfortable feelings. I like the
way you handle things very much and will work on incorporating this into our
play...

Joan

************************
"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than
live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." ... Harry
Emerson Fosdick

Kiersten Pasciak

JOan,
Thanks for your thoughtful response!


>>>>>>>>> So in your situation, with two wanting one place, and the
third not, I'd ask my niece if there is a place she wants to go
while we're out and see if we could do both.<<<<<<<<

>>>>>>>>If the issue is that niece doesn't want to go out at all,
instead of viewing it as her being "difficult", I'd see it as her
giving her preference. I'd ask why ... maybe there's a game niece
wants to play before we go, maybe she would be willing to play it
after, whatever it is, it's worth finding out so you can discuss it
and see if things can be resolved.<<<<<<<

The case, unfortunately, was the second one. As far as I could tell,
she just wanted to sulk in a chair and no amount of gentle
questioning was reaching her. I asked if she was feeling frustrated
or if she wanted to do something else. I asked if she had any
suggestions that would help. She just kept telling me nothing was
wrong and she didn't want to go.

To make things a little more clear... We do not normally watch her.
She lives out of state and was visiting my mom. When my mom left to
go on a trip, we had her stay with us for a few days. I assumed (not
a good idea) that she would treat my kids the same way most of the
girls her age have, that is in a nurturing manner. ie. wanting to do
Emma's hair or play games with Jacob or playing outside in the
sandbox, in the pool or on the swings. I could not have been more
wrong. Apparently she and my mom had had a tough time together and
she had been staying up late every night to watch the Olympics and
not really having any "down" time. She showed up very needy, which
was hard for me as both my kids had not been feeling well and are
usually a handful by themselves.

When I posted, I was just grabbing a break for me because I didn't
want to treat her with disrespect and was feeling frustrated. My 2
were dressed and fed and wanting to go and I thought she would be
too. (She had said earlier she wanted to go)Then I was overwhelmed.
Not only was I disappointed, but her feelings were spilling over
onto my kids who had been in good moods. They are 14 months and 2
3/4 years old, so I usually try to time things pretty exactly so we
can still get meals and naps in within a reasonable time frame.

She also had been treating my kids and me with disrespect the whole
time she was here. I tried to talk to her in private about this and
asked her to ask politely when she needed something and to not
scream at Jacob and Emma because they were not used to being treated
that way. (They kept getting upset and crying because she would grab
things from them and tell them "no" and take their food even though
I said there was more and she could have as much as she wanted, etc.)
It shocked me to see her behaving that way at 6 1/2.

In retrospect, I can see that she was just stressed out and needing
attention and doing anything she could to to get it while figuring
out our tolerance for her behavior. By the end of her visit, she was
changing her behavior more towards how we act. She would tell
Jacob "I am getting frustated" if he walked in front of the tv
instead of screaming at him to get out of her way. She played a
video game with him and helped him use the mouse when he had
trouble. They even played together while I got Emma calmed down for
her nap. Her trip ended on a good note. I guess she just really
needed to be treated with respect and allowed to decompress.

Hopefully, I will be able to try some of your suggestions with my 2
as they get older. For now, they are usually happy to go anywhere! :)

Kiersten

Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese

"She also had been treating my kids and me with disrespect the whole
time she was here. I tried to talk to her in private about this and
asked her to ask politely when she needed something and to not
scream at Jacob and Emma because they were not used to being treated
that way. (They kept getting upset and crying because she would grab
things from them and tell them "no" and take their food even though
I said there was more and she could have as much as she wanted, etc.)
It shocked me to see her behaving that way at 6 1/2.

In retrospect, I can see that she was just stressed out and needing
attention and doing anything she could to to get it while figuring
out our tolerance for her behavior. By the end of her visit, she was
changing her behavior more towards how we act. She would tell
Jacob "I am getting frustated" if he walked in front of the tv
instead of screaming at him to get out of her way. She played a
video game with him and helped him use the mouse when he had
trouble. They even played together while I got Emma calmed down for
her nap. Her trip ended on a good note. I guess she just really
needed to be treated with respect and allowed to decompress."


Wow, what a difficult situation and day for you all! Sounds like you
handled it great and your niece responded. Hope you didn't have too big of
a headache at tne end of the day!!

Joan