Re: the money
Nance Confer
Oh, great. Now they can feel guilty about getting the new toy on top of everything else.
Skip the new gizmo. Tell them you can't afford it. Skip anything that adds this kind of money-related stress to your lives.
I think a lot of families are going to have to learn how to live more frugally in leaner economic times. I don't know if this is new to your family but it will come as an unpleasant surprise to many families that just because something is advertised that doesn't mean they are going to get it.
Nance
P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress. And neither are skateboards.
*****************
Re: the money
No, we don't have the money. I was going to try to squeeze the 200.00
(because I'm not giving one to John and not to Liam just because John
asked and Liam didn't.) out of my grocery money and see if I could go
without my Rx to get them for them. But that means I'd be in a lot of
pain and wouldn't be able to work in the yard or do things around the
house. (I have lupus and fibro) So no I don't really have it, but I
was going to give what I had to make them happy. But to do that I'd
need some help with the physical stuff because I'll be in too much
pain to do it myself.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Skip the new gizmo. Tell them you can't afford it. Skip anything that adds this kind of money-related stress to your lives.
I think a lot of families are going to have to learn how to live more frugally in leaner economic times. I don't know if this is new to your family but it will come as an unpleasant surprise to many families that just because something is advertised that doesn't mean they are going to get it.
Nance
P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress. And neither are skateboards.
*****************
Re: the money
No, we don't have the money. I was going to try to squeeze the 200.00
(because I'm not giving one to John and not to Liam just because John
asked and Liam didn't.) out of my grocery money and see if I could go
without my Rx to get them for them. But that means I'd be in a lot of
pain and wouldn't be able to work in the yard or do things around the
house. (I have lupus and fibro) So no I don't really have it, but I
was going to give what I had to make them happy. But to do that I'd
need some help with the physical stuff because I'll be in too much
pain to do it myself.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Swanay
I wasn't going to tell them how I got the money, I'm not a total bitch.
Karen
Karen
On Feb 7, 2008 3:19 PM, Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> Oh, great. Now they can feel guilty about getting the new toy on top of
> everything else.
>
> Skip the new gizmo. Tell them you can't afford it. Skip anything that adds
> this kind of money-related stress to your lives.
>
> I think a lot of families are going to have to learn how to live more
> frugally in leaner economic times. I don't know if this is new to your
> family but it will come as an unpleasant surprise to many families that just
> because something is advertised that doesn't mean they are going to get it.
>
> Nance
>
> P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress. And
> neither are skateboards.
>
> *****************
>
> Re: the money
>
> No, we don't have the money. I was going to try to squeeze the 200.00
> (because I'm not giving one to John and not to Liam just because John
> asked and Liam didn't.) out of my grocery money and see if I could go
> without my Rx to get them for them. But that means I'd be in a lot of
> pain and wouldn't be able to work in the yard or do things around the
> house. (I have lupus and fibro) So no I don't really have it, but I
> was going to give what I had to make them happy. But to do that I'd
> need some help with the physical stuff because I'll be in too much
> pain to do it myself.
>
> Karen
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
marji
Hey Karen,
Can you see how it's possible that, whether or not you actually tell
them about a sacrifice you would make, they would *feel* any
resentment you may feel simply because it's in your heart? It's
amazing how the folks we are closest to pick up unspoken things that
we are holding in our hearts. That's one of the reasons why it's so
important for us to work on resentments and other icky feelings we
may be holding. It works in the other direction, too. Feeling
joyful and lighthearted is just as contagious as feeling resentful
and dejected and toxic! (Please don't think I'm assuming that you're
feeling resentful, dejected and toxic; I can only go by the Karen you
present in your emails, and that's who I'm responding to; if what I'm
saying doesn't fit, just, you know, blow me off!) ;-)
Not that these joyful feelings should be forced, mind you, but you
can begin to get there just by feeling true gratitude for the things
(and not just material things but, you know, the many blessings) you
have in your life. It's a great practice to get into with your kids,
who may really want to join you on their own. Even if they don't,
they will likely benefit, as will you, from the joy you begin to feel
from this practice. The incredible by-product is that amazing things
can happen when you start to shift the energy ~ I speak from personal
experience!!
~Marji, who would be delighted to discuss this with you in more
detail off list, if you like.
marji @ gaiawolf dot org
At 16:58 2/7/2008, you wrote:
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Can you see how it's possible that, whether or not you actually tell
them about a sacrifice you would make, they would *feel* any
resentment you may feel simply because it's in your heart? It's
amazing how the folks we are closest to pick up unspoken things that
we are holding in our hearts. That's one of the reasons why it's so
important for us to work on resentments and other icky feelings we
may be holding. It works in the other direction, too. Feeling
joyful and lighthearted is just as contagious as feeling resentful
and dejected and toxic! (Please don't think I'm assuming that you're
feeling resentful, dejected and toxic; I can only go by the Karen you
present in your emails, and that's who I'm responding to; if what I'm
saying doesn't fit, just, you know, blow me off!) ;-)
Not that these joyful feelings should be forced, mind you, but you
can begin to get there just by feeling true gratitude for the things
(and not just material things but, you know, the many blessings) you
have in your life. It's a great practice to get into with your kids,
who may really want to join you on their own. Even if they don't,
they will likely benefit, as will you, from the joy you begin to feel
from this practice. The incredible by-product is that amazing things
can happen when you start to shift the energy ~ I speak from personal
experience!!
~Marji, who would be delighted to discuss this with you in more
detail off list, if you like.
marji @ gaiawolf dot org
At 16:58 2/7/2008, you wrote:
>I wasn't going to tell them how I got the money, I'm not a total bitch.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Karen
>
>On Feb 7, 2008 3:19 PM, Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Oh, great. Now they can feel guilty about getting the new toy on top of
> > everything else.
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
shari bergquist
I think it is really sweet of you to want to give them what they want, but I
don't think you should have to suffer physically to give it to them. We've
hit on tough times financially lately as bills have gone up but not the
paycheck(yet) and I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buy
things every time we enter a store and he is taking this very hard. Luckily
the girls are older and are more understanding(they are 8 and almost 12).
It gets really tiresome telling Jackson no again and again and listening to
him throw fit after fit about it though. Sometimes what he wants is little
even but if I can't buy a little something for everyone then I don't buy for
one or myself. I would wait it out personally and let them know that you
want to be able to give it to them but that they have to wait a little
while maybe you can squeeze a little somewhere over the next few months. I
know this probably doesn't help to much but I do wish you luck. Hugs, Shari
don't think you should have to suffer physically to give it to them. We've
hit on tough times financially lately as bills have gone up but not the
paycheck(yet) and I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buy
things every time we enter a store and he is taking this very hard. Luckily
the girls are older and are more understanding(they are 8 and almost 12).
It gets really tiresome telling Jackson no again and again and listening to
him throw fit after fit about it though. Sometimes what he wants is little
even but if I can't buy a little something for everyone then I don't buy for
one or myself. I would wait it out personally and let them know that you
want to be able to give it to them but that they have to wait a little
while maybe you can squeeze a little somewhere over the next few months. I
know this probably doesn't help to much but I do wish you luck. Hugs, Shari
On Feb 7, 2008 4:58 PM, Karen Swanay <luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
> I wasn't going to tell them how I got the money, I'm not a total bitch.
> Karen
>
>
> On Feb 7, 2008 3:19 PM, Nance Confer <marbleface@...<marbleface%40bellsouth.net>>
> wrote:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Oh, great. Now they can feel guilty about getting the new toy on top of
> > everything else.
> >
> > Skip the new gizmo. Tell them you can't afford it. Skip anything that
> adds
> > this kind of money-related stress to your lives.
> >
> > I think a lot of families are going to have to learn how to live more
> > frugally in leaner economic times. I don't know if this is new to your
> > family but it will come as an unpleasant surprise to many families that
> just
> > because something is advertised that doesn't mean they are going to get
> it.
> >
> > Nance
> >
> > P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress. And
> > neither are skateboards.
> >
> > *****************
> >
> > Re: the money
> >
> > No, we don't have the money. I was going to try to squeeze the 200.00
> > (because I'm not giving one to John and not to Liam just because John
> > asked and Liam didn't.) out of my grocery money and see if I could go
> > without my Rx to get them for them. But that means I'd be in a lot of
> > pain and wouldn't be able to work in the yard or do things around the
> > house. (I have lupus and fibro) So no I don't really have it, but I
> > was going to give what I had to make them happy. But to do that I'd
> > need some help with the physical stuff because I'll be in too much
> > pain to do it myself.
> >
> > Karen
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
> >
>
>
--
Shari Bergquist
Independent Stampin' Up Demonstrator
www.sharibergquist.stampinup.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nanceconfer
LOL! Are you sure? Sometimes I can be a complete bitch. Maybe you have
your moments too. Maybe not. But that's not really the point, is it?
In another post adding another nugget of information that I hadn't
seen you mention earlier, you seem to think you can save $10 a week
toward this gizmo. I'm not sure if that includes you being in pain
from skipping medication or not.
Either way, if that's how tight things are, why make life that hard?
I have been there and money stress is one of the worst and when we are
under stress about money that is the worst time to be making any sort
of decisions about things like how you are going to deal with your
kids when it comes to money.
So, whether you think I am a bitch or you are ever a bitch -- give
yourself and the kids a break. Things are not important.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "Karen Swanay"
<luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
your moments too. Maybe not. But that's not really the point, is it?
In another post adding another nugget of information that I hadn't
seen you mention earlier, you seem to think you can save $10 a week
toward this gizmo. I'm not sure if that includes you being in pain
from skipping medication or not.
Either way, if that's how tight things are, why make life that hard?
I have been there and money stress is one of the worst and when we are
under stress about money that is the worst time to be making any sort
of decisions about things like how you are going to deal with your
kids when it comes to money.
So, whether you think I am a bitch or you are ever a bitch -- give
yourself and the kids a break. Things are not important.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "Karen Swanay"
<luvbullbreeds@...> wrote:
>top of
> I wasn't going to tell them how I got the money, I'm not a total bitch.
> Karen
>
> On Feb 7, 2008 3:19 PM, Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Oh, great. Now they can feel guilty about getting the new toy on
> > everything else.
> >
> > Skip the new gizmo.
Jodi Bezzola
Hi Ren,
I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not now. Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?
I picked up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" at the library after it was suggested by someone in this group, and it's rather discouraging how much of it fits for Ryan and I right now. Especially since we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan getting triggered even more by all that is out of his control, and often it's me that takes the brunt of it.
I would be happy for you to email me offlist if that's what you're comfortable with, or onlist if it could possibly help anyone else. I don't have an issue at all with airing this in front of the group, since I would suspect that there is the odd other couple out there who has had a rocky time <g>.
Thanks,
Jodi
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not now. Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?
I picked up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" at the library after it was suggested by someone in this group, and it's rather discouraging how much of it fits for Ryan and I right now. Especially since we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan getting triggered even more by all that is out of his control, and often it's me that takes the brunt of it.
I would be happy for you to email me offlist if that's what you're comfortable with, or onlist if it could possibly help anyone else. I don't have an issue at all with airing this in front of the group, since I would suspect that there is the odd other couple out there who has had a rocky time <g>.
Thanks,
Jodi
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Adrean Clark
I've been through an abusive relationship and abusive patterns while
growing up as well. So I work on not repeating them with my kids.
It's tough because some of those things can be subtle.
That link Ren sent a while ago, I imagined redirecting the questions
to cover parents and kids. It was though-provoking...
Counseling and reading books like you mention helped a lot for us.
Naming and accepting what's going on is one step to resolving it...
Just letting you know you're not alone. :)
Adrean
growing up as well. So I work on not repeating them with my kids.
It's tough because some of those things can be subtle.
That link Ren sent a while ago, I imagined redirecting the questions
to cover parents and kids. It was though-provoking...
Counseling and reading books like you mention helped a lot for us.
Naming and accepting what's going on is one step to resolving it...
Just letting you know you're not alone. :)
Adrean
Alysia
"P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress. And neither are skateboards."
I agree with you on the Disney thing but then I've never understood the appeal of such places. Skateboards, on the other hand, are sooooooooo worth it, imo. My oldest ds and all his friends skateboard. The grind rails and do kick flips and jump ramps (I'm sure I'm getting the terminology wrong...hehe) and I love to watch them. My ds just bought himself a rail and he and his friends have been setting it up in the street to do their stunts on. They take a very big old tire from our Jeep and stand it up behind the ramp and try to jump over it. Then my ds starts talking to me about how he'd love to teach a class at the community college about the physics of skateboarding. So cool!
All just my opinions, though. Someone else in my family may absolutely love Disney.
Alysia
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I agree with you on the Disney thing but then I've never understood the appeal of such places. Skateboards, on the other hand, are sooooooooo worth it, imo. My oldest ds and all his friends skateboard. The grind rails and do kick flips and jump ramps (I'm sure I'm getting the terminology wrong...hehe) and I love to watch them. My ds just bought himself a rail and he and his friends have been setting it up in the street to do their stunts on. They take a very big old tire from our Jeep and stand it up behind the ramp and try to jump over it. Then my ds starts talking to me about how he'd love to teach a class at the community college about the physics of skateboarding. So cool!
All just my opinions, though. Someone else in my family may absolutely love Disney.
Alysia
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alysia
I'm interested in this topic, too, so onlist would be great for me.
Alysia
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alysia
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathleen Gehrke
--- In [email protected], Alysia <keetry@...> wrote:
NO not worth the stress.. Life is good because it is good, but I am a
big Disney FAN. I can't wait for another trip!!
Kathleen
>And neither are skateboards."
> "P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress.
NO not worth the stress.. Life is good because it is good, but I am a
big Disney FAN. I can't wait for another trip!!
Kathleen
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 7, 2008, at 5:41 PM, shari bergquist wrote:
gift. No strings attached.
into a store you get to buy something, don't you?
See the world through his eyes. What *he* sees is you choosing to buy
many things and having loads of money to pay for them. Then when he
wants something, you say you don't have the money. If 3 yos could
swear, they'd say WTF???? ;-)
Way way better is to find a way not to take him shopping. He really
can't understand right now and you're just tormenting him until he's
old enough to grasp the concept.
Or you can make a game of shopping, enlisting his help, asking him to
help you decide between two things, picking out the cereal in the
blue box. There are more ideas in the archives of the list.
Yes, it's inconvenient. But if we wanted convenience we shouldn't
have had kids!
What you're doing right now is withdrawing from your relationship
every time you tell him no. Will he hate you by the time he's 6? No,
but there *will* be damage to the relationship, especially in his
trust of you. He already knows at 3 that you lie to him.
was always saying no or weighing whether he thought the purchase
worthy of his money, wouldn't you throw a fit eventually?
See the world through *his* eyes and then you'll understand that he's
reacting in a perfectly expected way to living in a world where he
has so little control. And most of the control he does have is
illusory since it's granted by the parents and can be withdrawn at
any time.
deprived when one gets something and another doesn't.
And generous doesn't need to apply to money. Generous with our time.
Generous with our help. When they know we're doing our best to help
them then they don't need to resort to grasping at every opportunity
to get something to fill a void in them because there won't be that
vague void that they don't know how to fill.
get what they want, this will be heard differently than a
conventionally parented child who is granted what a parent decides to
give.
Family life runs *much* smoother when kids know mom and dad are their
advocates and not the gateway that swings open and closed on what
they want.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> but INo one should be a martyr. But it *can* be a choice freely given. A
> don't think you should have to suffer physically to give it to them.
gift. No strings attached.
> I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buyOf course he's taking it hard because you're lying. Every time you go
> things every time we enter a store and he is taking this very hard.
into a store you get to buy something, don't you?
See the world through his eyes. What *he* sees is you choosing to buy
many things and having loads of money to pay for them. Then when he
wants something, you say you don't have the money. If 3 yos could
swear, they'd say WTF???? ;-)
Way way better is to find a way not to take him shopping. He really
can't understand right now and you're just tormenting him until he's
old enough to grasp the concept.
Or you can make a game of shopping, enlisting his help, asking him to
help you decide between two things, picking out the cereal in the
blue box. There are more ideas in the archives of the list.
Yes, it's inconvenient. But if we wanted convenience we shouldn't
have had kids!
What you're doing right now is withdrawing from your relationship
every time you tell him no. Will he hate you by the time he's 6? No,
but there *will* be damage to the relationship, especially in his
trust of you. He already knows at 3 that you lie to him.
> It gets really tiresome telling Jackson no again and again andIf every single thing you wanted had to come from your husband and he
> listening to
> him throw fit after fit about it though.
was always saying no or weighing whether he thought the purchase
worthy of his money, wouldn't you throw a fit eventually?
See the world through *his* eyes and then you'll understand that he's
reacting in a perfectly expected way to living in a world where he
has so little control. And most of the control he does have is
illusory since it's granted by the parents and can be withdrawn at
any time.
> Sometimes what he wants is littleWhen we're generous with our kids, then they don't need to feel
> even but if I can't buy a little something for everyone then I
> don't buy for
> one or myself.
deprived when one gets something and another doesn't.
And generous doesn't need to apply to money. Generous with our time.
Generous with our help. When they know we're doing our best to help
them then they don't need to resort to grasping at every opportunity
to get something to fill a void in them because there won't be that
vague void that they don't know how to fill.
> I would wait it out personally and let them know that youFor a child who is confident mom is doing what she can to help them
> want to be able to give it to them but that they have to wait a
> little
> while maybe you can squeeze a little somewhere over the next few
> months.
get what they want, this will be heard differently than a
conventionally parented child who is granted what a parent decides to
give.
Family life runs *much* smoother when kids know mom and dad are their
advocates and not the gateway that swings open and closed on what
they want.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jodi Bezzola
Thank you Adrean, I love to know that I'm not alone. I'm in the process of finding a good counsellor, perhaps even one who is funded.
I know there aren't many on this list from Canada, but doesn anyone know a good counsellor in Calgary?
Jodi
Adrean Clark <adreanaline@...> wrote:
I've been through an abusive relationship and abusive patterns while
growing up as well. So I work on not repeating them with my kids.
It's tough because some of those things can be subtle.
That link Ren sent a while ago, I imagined redirecting the questions
to cover parents and kids. It was though-provoking...
Counseling and reading books like you mention helped a lot for us.
Naming and accepting what's going on is one step to resolving it...
Just letting you know you're not alone. :)
Adrean
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I know there aren't many on this list from Canada, but doesn anyone know a good counsellor in Calgary?
Jodi
Adrean Clark <adreanaline@...> wrote:
I've been through an abusive relationship and abusive patterns while
growing up as well. So I work on not repeating them with my kids.
It's tough because some of those things can be subtle.
That link Ren sent a while ago, I imagined redirecting the questions
to cover parents and kids. It was though-provoking...
Counseling and reading books like you mention helped a lot for us.
Naming and accepting what's going on is one step to resolving it...
Just letting you know you're not alone. :)
Adrean
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 7, 2008, at 4:19 PM, Nance Confer wrote:
respect when we treat their wants with respect, not judge whether or
not they're worthy by our own standards.
If we treat our kids like that, when we're 90 and ask for a Coke,
we'll hear "You don't want that. It's not good for you. I'll get you
some water."
:-P
As for Disney ... some people love it, some hate it. If the kids love
it, then saving up for it can be a great gift for them. If the
parents *think* the kids will love it because it's something all
families should do, then scrimping and saving for a dream that could
disappoint might need rethought.
That's not directed at Karen but a general statement about parents
working hard to provide something for their kids when the parents are
doing it because the *parents* want it for their kids, not because
the kids do! That leads to "Look at all I sacrificed for you to give
you all this and you don't appreciate it!"
It's way better to spend $100 on something we're leery of that the
child desperately wants than $10 on something we think they should love.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress.The value is in the child's eyes, not the mom's. We treat them with
> And neither are skateboards.
respect when we treat their wants with respect, not judge whether or
not they're worthy by our own standards.
If we treat our kids like that, when we're 90 and ask for a Coke,
we'll hear "You don't want that. It's not good for you. I'll get you
some water."
:-P
As for Disney ... some people love it, some hate it. If the kids love
it, then saving up for it can be a great gift for them. If the
parents *think* the kids will love it because it's something all
families should do, then scrimping and saving for a dream that could
disappoint might need rethought.
That's not directed at Karen but a general statement about parents
working hard to provide something for their kids when the parents are
doing it because the *parents* want it for their kids, not because
the kids do! That leads to "Look at all I sacrificed for you to give
you all this and you don't appreciate it!"
It's way better to spend $100 on something we're leery of that the
child desperately wants than $10 on something we think they should love.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Swanay
It's not the Disney thing they want it's the Star Wars weekend that
they are excited about. They LOVE Star Wars and are so excited about
this they could just burst. It's worth the scrimping for this week
there for them to be as happy as they are going to be by it. Besides
we are going to be seeing my brother and their cousins. So they are
really excited all around. But it's not Disney and the mouse that
they want. We've BTDT and it wasn't that great. But the SW wow...we
aren't going until June but you'd think it's next weekend for how
excited they are. =)
Karen
they are excited about. They LOVE Star Wars and are so excited about
this they could just burst. It's worth the scrimping for this week
there for them to be as happy as they are going to be by it. Besides
we are going to be seeing my brother and their cousins. So they are
really excited all around. But it's not Disney and the mouse that
they want. We've BTDT and it wasn't that great. But the SW wow...we
aren't going until June but you'd think it's next weekend for how
excited they are. =)
Karen
On Feb 8, 2008 1:02 PM, Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> On Feb 7, 2008, at 4:19 PM, Nance Confer wrote:
>
> > P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress.
> > And neither are skateboards.
>
> The value is in the child's eyes, not the mom's. We treat them with
> respect when we treat their wants with respect, not judge whether or
> not they're worthy by our own standards.
>
> If we treat our kids like that, when we're 90 and ask for a Coke,
> we'll hear "You don't want that. It's not good for you. I'll get you
> some water."
>
> :-P
>
> As for Disney ... some people love it, some hate it. If the kids love
> it, then saving up for it can be a great gift for them. If the
> parents *think* the kids will love it because it's something all
> families should do, then scrimping and saving for a dream that could
> disappoint might need rethought.
>
> That's not directed at Karen but a general statement about parents
> working hard to provide something for their kids when the parents are
> doing it because the *parents* want it for their kids, not because
> the kids do! That leads to "Look at all I sacrificed for you to give
> you all this and you don't appreciate it!"
>
> It's way better to spend $100 on something we're leery of that the
> child desperately wants than $10 on something we think they should love.
>
> Joyce
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
Jodi Bezzola
**And generous doesn't need to apply to money. Generous with our time.
Generous with our help. When they know we're doing our best to help
them then they don't need to resort to grasping at every opportunity
to get something to fill a void in them because there won't be that
vague void that they don't know how to fill.**
Thank you so much Joyce for this reponse. It's so interesting that in this process with our children, I am also making much sense of my own childhood and the effects it has on me. I've done so much work already on this, but this is a new context. I have food issues, never really feel full, always trying to fill the "vague void". SO much fodder for growth for our family...Ryan (dh) along with us too if it's what he chooses, and I hope he does. Unschooling really does require looking at everything through a new lense, doesn't it?!? My new motto (last month it was WWKD for what would Kelly do? <g>, this month I think it's 'question everything'!
Jodi
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Generous with our help. When they know we're doing our best to help
them then they don't need to resort to grasping at every opportunity
to get something to fill a void in them because there won't be that
vague void that they don't know how to fill.**
Thank you so much Joyce for this reponse. It's so interesting that in this process with our children, I am also making much sense of my own childhood and the effects it has on me. I've done so much work already on this, but this is a new context. I have food issues, never really feel full, always trying to fill the "vague void". SO much fodder for growth for our family...Ryan (dh) along with us too if it's what he chooses, and I hope he does. Unschooling really does require looking at everything through a new lense, doesn't it?!? My new motto (last month it was WWKD for what would Kelly do? <g>, this month I think it's 'question everything'!
Jodi
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
>It's not the Disney thing they want it's the Star Wars weekend thatthey are excited about
Okay, now Disney in general, not so much but STAR WARS! Definitely goes
way up in excitement value!
Deb
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Debra Rossing
BTW Karen, I noted something that was posted in passing and I didn't see
anything that followed up on it (actually two things):
1 - you've got an itty bitty one (new sister). That can affect SO much -
neither of the boys have YOU as much as they did before, things have to
stretch even further, and you're likely running on the ragged edge
sleepwise which can be rough in general and completely debilitating for
someone with lupus and fibromyalgia.
2 - you also noted that you talked with them and John decided he can
wait to save for the top of the line model he wants and Liam is actually
just wanting a basic skateboard which is way more readily available. I
think that is what people were trying, in various ways, to get at: the
original post was a big either/or no other options BUT there were lots
of options. And, you sat down with them and figured out how to get what
they want without doing damage to yourself or going without absolute
necessities. THAT is exactly what it's about - working together to reach
goals mutually. And, once this way of doing things becomes habit, it can
be quite amazing. About a month ago, we went out looking for a Wii (did
I mention this already?) - not to be found anywhere even though we DID
have the money already collected up. DS was sad (so were we) and we all
commiserated about what a bummer it was at the SAME time we were looking
for alternatives (check online, check the Nintendo Wii-finder site,
etc). Nowhere for Wiis - not even on Canadian websites - except a few
places on eBay that were asking several hundred dollars more than it
retails for (and which we didn't have saved up). We decided to wait and
keep checking and keep saving. A few weeks later, a little saving and
extra refiguring and noting that the 40 gig PS3 was not much more
expensive than the Wii (the top of the line one is about double the
price though and that's where we had been aiming). The only difference
is that the low end one doesn't play PS2 games. We discussed it and
decided that since the PS2 we have is still in fine shape, we don't need
that ability necessarily so Go For It! The Wii is still on our List but
it's not at the top right now.
Oh, also, it might help to actually have a written "Stuff we'd like to
get/do/try" list - write it down, research estimated cost (the canning
supplies we want to get will cost about $60, the hot sauce DH likes that
is only available by ordering it from St. Croix costs $10 per bottle
plus $7.50 shipping, the Northeast Unschooling Conference will cost this
much, a weekend trip to here or there will cost about this much, etc) We
started doing this when DS was really young - as long as it was written
down, he could relax and know that it'd happen and wouldn't get
forgotten (because he already trusted that we would do what we said we
would do).
Deb
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
anything that followed up on it (actually two things):
1 - you've got an itty bitty one (new sister). That can affect SO much -
neither of the boys have YOU as much as they did before, things have to
stretch even further, and you're likely running on the ragged edge
sleepwise which can be rough in general and completely debilitating for
someone with lupus and fibromyalgia.
2 - you also noted that you talked with them and John decided he can
wait to save for the top of the line model he wants and Liam is actually
just wanting a basic skateboard which is way more readily available. I
think that is what people were trying, in various ways, to get at: the
original post was a big either/or no other options BUT there were lots
of options. And, you sat down with them and figured out how to get what
they want without doing damage to yourself or going without absolute
necessities. THAT is exactly what it's about - working together to reach
goals mutually. And, once this way of doing things becomes habit, it can
be quite amazing. About a month ago, we went out looking for a Wii (did
I mention this already?) - not to be found anywhere even though we DID
have the money already collected up. DS was sad (so were we) and we all
commiserated about what a bummer it was at the SAME time we were looking
for alternatives (check online, check the Nintendo Wii-finder site,
etc). Nowhere for Wiis - not even on Canadian websites - except a few
places on eBay that were asking several hundred dollars more than it
retails for (and which we didn't have saved up). We decided to wait and
keep checking and keep saving. A few weeks later, a little saving and
extra refiguring and noting that the 40 gig PS3 was not much more
expensive than the Wii (the top of the line one is about double the
price though and that's where we had been aiming). The only difference
is that the low end one doesn't play PS2 games. We discussed it and
decided that since the PS2 we have is still in fine shape, we don't need
that ability necessarily so Go For It! The Wii is still on our List but
it's not at the top right now.
Oh, also, it might help to actually have a written "Stuff we'd like to
get/do/try" list - write it down, research estimated cost (the canning
supplies we want to get will cost about $60, the hot sauce DH likes that
is only available by ordering it from St. Croix costs $10 per bottle
plus $7.50 shipping, the Northeast Unschooling Conference will cost this
much, a weekend trip to here or there will cost about this much, etc) We
started doing this when DS was really young - as long as it was written
down, he could relax and know that it'd happen and wouldn't get
forgotten (because he already trusted that we would do what we said we
would do).
Deb
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
CNC Software, Inc.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Horein
-=-=-=-
Especially since we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan
getting triggered even more by all that is out of his control, and often
it's me that takes the brunt of it.
-=-=-=-
This isn't exactly what you are looking for, but I got a lot like Ryan there
for awhile when I was trying to change. The least little thing would send me
into a hysterical fit. If I had been a toddler, it would be called a
tantrum.
The absolute worst one was not all that long ago. Lilly (3.5) had had a
poopy accident and I was sooooooo mad at her. Boy did I let her know it too.
I yelled and screamed. I told her she was too old to have accidents, etc,
etc, etc. I was awful and am ashamed to admit it, but if it can help you
understand Ryan...
My dh has a weak stomach so when he caught wind of the smell he started
gagging a bit. I was already yelling so suddenly my anger got directed at
him. I told him to stop it and that he was being ridiculous. How crazy was
that statement, lol?
We had been talking and trying to change for a great many weeks and things
were stressful, etc. One of the things that we talked about is that I didn't
want him to let me walk all over him. I wanted him to start standing up for
himself.
He did that night Lilly pooped her pants. He said something like "You're
just saying that because you are pissed". I was so mad at him for saying
that. Then I was so happy with him. I laughed. I cried. I apologized to my
family. I begged for their forgiveness. We have only had one incident since
then and it was much less extreme.
I guess this was a bit of a different perspective, but I hoped it helped a
little.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Especially since we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan
getting triggered even more by all that is out of his control, and often
it's me that takes the brunt of it.
-=-=-=-
This isn't exactly what you are looking for, but I got a lot like Ryan there
for awhile when I was trying to change. The least little thing would send me
into a hysterical fit. If I had been a toddler, it would be called a
tantrum.
The absolute worst one was not all that long ago. Lilly (3.5) had had a
poopy accident and I was sooooooo mad at her. Boy did I let her know it too.
I yelled and screamed. I told her she was too old to have accidents, etc,
etc, etc. I was awful and am ashamed to admit it, but if it can help you
understand Ryan...
My dh has a weak stomach so when he caught wind of the smell he started
gagging a bit. I was already yelling so suddenly my anger got directed at
him. I told him to stop it and that he was being ridiculous. How crazy was
that statement, lol?
We had been talking and trying to change for a great many weeks and things
were stressful, etc. One of the things that we talked about is that I didn't
want him to let me walk all over him. I wanted him to start standing up for
himself.
He did that night Lilly pooped her pants. He said something like "You're
just saying that because you are pissed". I was so mad at him for saying
that. Then I was so happy with him. I laughed. I cried. I apologized to my
family. I begged for their forgiveness. We have only had one incident since
then and it was much less extreme.
I guess this was a bit of a different perspective, but I hoped it helped a
little.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nanceconfer
Given the choice, really given the choice, I wonder what the kids in
question would choose -- a stressed out Mom, less money for toys now
and a trip to Disney in the future or . . . not.
Nance
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
<jfetteroll@...> wrote:
question would choose -- a stressed out Mom, less money for toys now
and a trip to Disney in the future or . . . not.
Nance
--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
<jfetteroll@...> wrote:
>
>
> On Feb 7, 2008, at 4:19 PM, Nance Confer wrote:
>
> > P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress.
> > And neither are skateboards.
>
> The value is in the child's eyes, not the mom's. We treat them with
> respect when we treat their wants with respect, not judge whether or
> not they're worthy by our own standards.
>
shari bergquist
But it's not lying if you only have four dollars to your name and the whole
family needs toliet paper and he wants five dollar super hero minis. There
is just NOT enough money until pay day. Yes in a perfect world I could not
have to take him to the store but when you need toliet paper NOW it's not a
perfect world now is it:) I hate not being able to get him things whenever
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:) We love to
shop. All of us, Sometimes though we all have to wait. like it or not.
Shari
family needs toliet paper and he wants five dollar super hero minis. There
is just NOT enough money until pay day. Yes in a perfect world I could not
have to take him to the store but when you need toliet paper NOW it's not a
perfect world now is it:) I hate not being able to get him things whenever
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:) We love to
shop. All of us, Sometimes though we all have to wait. like it or not.
Shari
On Feb 8, 2008 1:54 PM, Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
> > I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buy
> > things every time we enter a store and he is taking this very hard.
>
> Of course he's taking it hard because you're lying. Every time you go
> into a store you get to buy something, don't you?
>
> _,___
>
--
Shari Bergquist
Independent Stampin' Up Demonstrator
ww <http://www.sharibergquist.stampinup.net>
Bw.sharibergquist.stampinup.net <http://www.sharibergquist.stampinup.net>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle Thedaker
*My new motto (last month it was WWKD for what would Kelly do? <g>, this
month I think it's 'question everything'! -Jodi *
Lol Jodi! I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Question the
Answers". My major motto!
Shell & Da Boys
Drew, 8.5 and Josh, 4.5
www.thedaker.blogspot.com
"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
month I think it's 'question everything'! -Jodi *
Lol Jodi! I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Question the
Answers". My major motto!
Shell & Da Boys
Drew, 8.5 and Josh, 4.5
www.thedaker.blogspot.com
"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
On Feb 8, 2008 4:09 PM, nanceconfer <marbleface@...> wrote:
home over a trip that was making me so crazy/frustrated/grumpy that I'm
sabotaging happiness all over the place. A trip that is JOYFUL to save for
is a JOYFUL trip. If it's angstful in every step, that's a tough cloud to
get out from under, IMHO.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Given the choice, really given the choice, I wonder what the kids inAs a family of die-hard Disneyland fans, I know my son would choose to stay
> question would choose -- a stressed out Mom, less money for toys now
> and a trip to Disney in the future or . . . not.
>
home over a trip that was making me so crazy/frustrated/grumpy that I'm
sabotaging happiness all over the place. A trip that is JOYFUL to save for
is a JOYFUL trip. If it's angstful in every step, that's a tough cloud to
get out from under, IMHO.
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nanceconfer
And I have a nagging question in the back of my mind about how kids --
or any of us -- decide we want a trip to Disney or a new skateboard.
I'll have to catch up here and see if someone else has already touched
on this.
But with these things being marketed the way they are, with a need on
my part to provide access to "normal" activities for my children as
they go through different ages and stages -- not wanting them to miss
out on the fun stuff just because they aren't in school hearing about
it, spending much of our TV viewing time skeptically analyzing how
commercials work on our minds, keeping an eye on the budget and having
the kids reasonably aware of limitations -- not stressed about money
but realizing it isn't a bottomless pit, easing from the age when a
cardboard box is a great toy into the "I need the new gizmo the second
it comes out" age into the "dang, there aren't very many presents
under the tree for DS but the ones he got cost a ton and that's what
he preferred" age while DD is still expecting to see a pile of
presents and doesn't care if they all came from the dollar store . . .
things bring up many conflicts and the conflicts change over time,
budgets change over time, and how the kids learn what to value is
influenced by me and DH over a very long time . . . none of it seems
to be a straight line, black and white issue.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "nanceconfer"
<marbleface@...> wrote:
or any of us -- decide we want a trip to Disney or a new skateboard.
I'll have to catch up here and see if someone else has already touched
on this.
But with these things being marketed the way they are, with a need on
my part to provide access to "normal" activities for my children as
they go through different ages and stages -- not wanting them to miss
out on the fun stuff just because they aren't in school hearing about
it, spending much of our TV viewing time skeptically analyzing how
commercials work on our minds, keeping an eye on the budget and having
the kids reasonably aware of limitations -- not stressed about money
but realizing it isn't a bottomless pit, easing from the age when a
cardboard box is a great toy into the "I need the new gizmo the second
it comes out" age into the "dang, there aren't very many presents
under the tree for DS but the ones he got cost a ton and that's what
he preferred" age while DD is still expecting to see a pile of
presents and doesn't care if they all came from the dollar store . . .
things bring up many conflicts and the conflicts change over time,
budgets change over time, and how the kids learn what to value is
influenced by me and DH over a very long time . . . none of it seems
to be a straight line, black and white issue.
Nance
--- In [email protected], "nanceconfer"
<marbleface@...> wrote:
>
> Given the choice, really given the choice, I wonder what the kids in
> question would choose -- a stressed out Mom, less money for toys now
> and a trip to Disney in the future or . . . not.
>
> Nance
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll
> <jfetteroll@> wrote:
> >
> >
> > On Feb 7, 2008, at 4:19 PM, Nance Confer wrote:
> >
> > > P.S. I've been to Disney. It's not worth any sort of money stress.
> > > And neither are skateboards.
> >
> > The value is in the child's eyes, not the mom's. We treat them with
> > respect when we treat their wants with respect, not judge whether or
> > not they're worthy by our own standards.
> >
>
Karen Swanay
I'm not particularly stressed out really. We are going to be fine for
the Disney thing as long as there aren't a glut of other expenditures
that come up. But I can tell you that my kids wouldn't choose an
either or thing at all. Skateboard now or Disney in several months?
Skateboard now and ask for Disney in several months. That's what
would happen because it's so far removed from today. They are older
but the concept of time/budget isn't concrete for them.
Karen
the Disney thing as long as there aren't a glut of other expenditures
that come up. But I can tell you that my kids wouldn't choose an
either or thing at all. Skateboard now or Disney in several months?
Skateboard now and ask for Disney in several months. That's what
would happen because it's so far removed from today. They are older
but the concept of time/budget isn't concrete for them.
Karen
Adrean Clark
>It's way better to spend $100 on something we're leery of that theI can relate to that. My mother borrowed $5k for hearing aids when I
> child desperately wants than $10 on something we think they should love.
was younger and then later I threw them away because all I heard was
noise. What I wanted was for my whole family to communicate with me
where I wouldn't have to work so hard on broken "equipment" (my ears)
to understand them. $5k could have paid for things that brought us
together if I knew back then what I know now...
Adrean
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 8, 2008, at 7:45 PM, shari bergquist wrote:
things, then you're lying.
The more day to day needs are anticipated and planned for the more
willing kids are to give us some slack when we're caught in a bind.
If we treat their time with respect, they will give us respect. If I
"need" to impose on them several times a week then that's poor
planning and they won't trust I'm trying not to impose on them.
They'll internalize that I don't value their time as much as my own.
Once someone has stepped back from conventional parenting, it's
flabbergasting how disrespectful of kids it is. And when kids are
treated with disrespect, they treat others with disrespect. When kids
see us working to not impose on them, then they are willing to go
along when we can't see another way. But the more often we impose on
them, the less willing they are to show respect for our needs when
we're too often running rough shod over theirs.
to use life to teach it to them.
And there are plenty of natural times when we have no control over
needing to wait: like it's raining when they wanted a picnic. (And
even then we can think outside the box. A picnic on the kitchen floor?)
But the fewer times we put them in a position to wait when they
believe we're in control and *could* choose not to make them wait
(even if it's not true) the stronger the relationship.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> But it's not lying if you only have four dollars to your name andMy response was to your previous statement:
> the whole
> family needs toliet paper and he wants five dollar super hero
> minis. There
> is just NOT enough money until pay day.
> I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buyIf you buy things for yourself and tell him you can't always buy
> things every time we enter a store
things, then you're lying.
> Yes in a perfect world I could notWe're not trying for perfect, just better! :-)
> have to take him to the store but when you need toliet paper NOW
> it's not a
> perfect world now is it:)
The more day to day needs are anticipated and planned for the more
willing kids are to give us some slack when we're caught in a bind.
If we treat their time with respect, they will give us respect. If I
"need" to impose on them several times a week then that's poor
planning and they won't trust I'm trying not to impose on them.
They'll internalize that I don't value their time as much as my own.
Once someone has stepped back from conventional parenting, it's
flabbergasting how disrespectful of kids it is. And when kids are
treated with disrespect, they treat others with disrespect. When kids
see us working to not impose on them, then they are willing to go
along when we can't see another way. But the more often we impose on
them, the less willing they are to show respect for our needs when
we're too often running rough shod over theirs.
> Sometimes though we all have to wait. like it or not.Which older kids can understand because they're older. We don't need
to use life to teach it to them.
And there are plenty of natural times when we have no control over
needing to wait: like it's raining when they wanted a picnic. (And
even then we can think outside the box. A picnic on the kitchen floor?)
But the fewer times we put them in a position to wait when they
believe we're in control and *could* choose not to make them wait
(even if it's not true) the stronger the relationship.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
*me!*
(Maisha raising her hand as the other odd rocky couple who would love to
hear more)
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
"The significant problems that we face cannot be solved by the same level of
thinking we were at when we created them." ~ Albert Einstein
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Jodi Bezzola
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 2:08 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] For Ren: Emotional/verbal abuse question
Hi Ren,
I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some
issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not now.
Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?
I picked up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" at the library
after it was suggested by someone in this group, and it's rather
discouraging how much of it fits for Ryan and I right now. Especially since
we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan getting triggered
even more by all that is out of his control, and often it's me that takes
the brunt of it.
I would be happy for you to email me offlist if that's what you're
comfortable with, or onlist if it could possibly help anyone else. I don't
have an issue at all with airing this in front of the group, since I would
suspect that there is the odd other couple out there who has had a rocky
time <g>.
Thanks,
Jodi
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
(Maisha raising her hand as the other odd rocky couple who would love to
hear more)
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
"The significant problems that we face cannot be solved by the same level of
thinking we were at when we created them." ~ Albert Einstein
_____
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Jodi Bezzola
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 2:08 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] For Ren: Emotional/verbal abuse question
Hi Ren,
I remember in a post not that long ago you mentioned that you had some
issues with emotional/verbal abuse early in your marriage, but not now.
Would you be able to share what made the difference? What changed?
I picked up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" at the library
after it was suggested by someone in this group, and it's rather
discouraging how much of it fits for Ryan and I right now. Especially since
we have put rules to rest in our home, I have noticed Ryan getting triggered
even more by all that is out of his control, and often it's me that takes
the brunt of it.
I would be happy for you to email me offlist if that's what you're
comfortable with, or onlist if it could possibly help anyone else. I don't
have an issue at all with airing this in front of the group, since I would
suspect that there is the odd other couple out there who has had a rocky
time <g>.
Thanks,
Jodi
---------------------------------
Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: shari bergquist <shari.bergquist@...>
But it's not lying if you only have four dollars to your name and the
whole
family needs toliet paper and he wants five dollar super hero minis.
There
is just NOT enough money until pay day. Yes in a perfect world I could
not
have to take him to the store but when you need toliet paper NOW it's
not a
perfect world now is it:) I hate not being able to get him things
whenever
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it
on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:) We
love to
shop. All of us, Sometimes though we all have to wait. like it or
not.
--=-=-=-==-
You're obviously struggling with this concept.
You wrote:
child and say, "We can't buy things every time we enter a store."---and
then proceed to BUY toilet paper, I just LIED to him (I *did* buy
something: the toilet paper!). Generally we only go *into* stores to
BUY things (I'm NOT a window shopper, so if *I* go in, I *will* buy
something!).
Don't lie. I would say, "I only have four dollars. Toilet paper costs
$3.78. With tax, I may have to scrape the bottom of my purse for the
total. Today, all we can afford is what's on the list. And the list
today is really, really short!" I used to say that a LOT.
Both my boys went through this stage of
I-want-everything-and-I-want-it-now. I think it's really, really normal
from about three to nine or ten. Duncan, at almost 12, seems to have
grasped the concept sometime in the last two years. But before they
understood, I would always bring home a candy bar from the grocery---or
let them pick something out at the check out almost every time. It
wasn't always possible. Sometimes I really had only four dollars to my
name. Because they almost *always* got something, they understood when
I really *couldn't* afford something.
I remember one time Cameron wanted something, and there was no $$. I
told him that I had no money right now. He suggested that I simply
write a check! <G> Duncan's taken a similar line: "Can't you use your
debit card?" <g>
The concept of "no money" just isn't real for them. "Budget" is a hard
concept too. Just because there's $500 in the bank today doesn't mean
that I can afford a PS2 *today*---that $500 has to cover groceries and
gas and the Charleston trip and....
As they've gotten older, it's really gotten easier. And they know I get
most of my $$ at the beginning of each month. So by the end of the
month, money's getting tight. We tend to *do* and buy more things at
the beginning of the month! <G> Now Dunc will ask what day of the month
it is before he asks for something, 'cause he knows that the
possibility is lower at the end of the month---unless I have a lot of
dogs scheduled.
Anyway---We're taking issue with the lying. They will grow to
understand when you can afford it and when you can't. But with children
(as on this list! <g>), it's best to be really careful how we phrase
things!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com
From: shari bergquist <shari.bergquist@...>
But it's not lying if you only have four dollars to your name and the
whole
family needs toliet paper and he wants five dollar super hero minis.
There
is just NOT enough money until pay day. Yes in a perfect world I could
not
have to take him to the store but when you need toliet paper NOW it's
not a
perfect world now is it:) I hate not being able to get him things
whenever
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it
on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:) We
love to
shop. All of us, Sometimes though we all have to wait. like it or
not.
--=-=-=-==-
You're obviously struggling with this concept.
You wrote:
> I've had to tell my three year old that we can't buyIf I only have four dollars to my name and walk into a store with my
> things every time we enter a store and he is taking this very hard.
child and say, "We can't buy things every time we enter a store."---and
then proceed to BUY toilet paper, I just LIED to him (I *did* buy
something: the toilet paper!). Generally we only go *into* stores to
BUY things (I'm NOT a window shopper, so if *I* go in, I *will* buy
something!).
Don't lie. I would say, "I only have four dollars. Toilet paper costs
$3.78. With tax, I may have to scrape the bottom of my purse for the
total. Today, all we can afford is what's on the list. And the list
today is really, really short!" I used to say that a LOT.
Both my boys went through this stage of
I-want-everything-and-I-want-it-now. I think it's really, really normal
from about three to nine or ten. Duncan, at almost 12, seems to have
grasped the concept sometime in the last two years. But before they
understood, I would always bring home a candy bar from the grocery---or
let them pick something out at the check out almost every time. It
wasn't always possible. Sometimes I really had only four dollars to my
name. Because they almost *always* got something, they understood when
I really *couldn't* afford something.
I remember one time Cameron wanted something, and there was no $$. I
told him that I had no money right now. He suggested that I simply
write a check! <G> Duncan's taken a similar line: "Can't you use your
debit card?" <g>
The concept of "no money" just isn't real for them. "Budget" is a hard
concept too. Just because there's $500 in the bank today doesn't mean
that I can afford a PS2 *today*---that $500 has to cover groceries and
gas and the Charleston trip and....
As they've gotten older, it's really gotten easier. And they know I get
most of my $$ at the beginning of each month. So by the end of the
month, money's getting tight. We tend to *do* and buy more things at
the beginning of the month! <G> Now Dunc will ask what day of the month
it is before he asks for something, 'cause he knows that the
possibility is lower at the end of the month---unless I have a lot of
dogs scheduled.
Anyway---We're taking issue with the lying. They will grow to
understand when you can afford it and when you can't. But with children
(as on this list! <g>), it's best to be really careful how we phrase
things!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com
Nance Confer
I hate not being able to get him things whenever
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:)
************
Possibly the root of some of the conflict?
Not that I expect the 3-year-old to get it.
But maybe a more balanced approach to shopping -- actually buying what you need when you need it if you can afford it and not splurging until there is nothing left? Planning a special purchase as if it were special and not just an excuse to shop?
Over time maybe a more deliberate attitude toward using your money would get through to the 3-year-old -- make a lot more sense than the splurge and now we have nothing approach.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he wants them and don't get me wrong when we have the money I SPEND it on
them which is why closer to the next paycheck we have NO money:)
************
Possibly the root of some of the conflict?
Not that I expect the 3-year-old to get it.
But maybe a more balanced approach to shopping -- actually buying what you need when you need it if you can afford it and not splurging until there is nothing left? Planning a special purchase as if it were special and not just an excuse to shop?
Over time maybe a more deliberate attitude toward using your money would get through to the 3-year-old -- make a lot more sense than the splurge and now we have nothing approach.
Nance
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
keetry
My oldest son's thing when he was that age was to tell me to go to
the store to get more money because he always saw them giving me
change. My middle son, who is now 4, tells me to just go to the bank
and get money. He doesn't understand that you have to have money at
the bank to get money from the bank.
Alysia
the store to get more money because he always saw them giving me
change. My middle son, who is now 4, tells me to just go to the bank
and get money. He doesn't understand that you have to have money at
the bank to get money from the bank.
Alysia
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>
>
> I remember one time Cameron wanted something, and there was no $$.
I
> told him that I had no money right now. He suggested that I simply
> write a check! <G> Duncan's taken a similar line: "Can't you use
your
> debit card?" <g>
> >
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
>
>
_____________________________________________________________________
___
> More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
> http://webmail.aol.com
>