Swearing
Amanda Horein
When my oldest (7.5) was just starting to talk we did the "no, that's a bad
word" thing and she caught on REALLY fast. In fact, she was often correcting
everyone around her when they would swear from the time she could talk.
Now, we don't even care about swearing, but she still does. She tells us not
to swear. I have tried explaining to her that they are just words and that
they are expressions of strong feelings (most of the time), but she still
doesn't like it. Should we not do it out of respect to her (which is really
hard, I mean, we aren't sailors in this house. We don't really even swear a
lot and most of the time when we do it's either shit or dammit)?
She even told me yesterday or the day before that I couldn't use God's name
in vain because it was one of the ten commandments. It was an odd thing
because we haven't even been to church in about 3 years and we don't make
the Bible part of our daily (or even weekly or monthly) lives. In fact, the
only discussions we (as in me and my husband) do have about the Bible have
to do with some of the things that we DON'T agree with in the Bible.
Also, our 4 yo swears like we do and we don't make a big deal out of it, but
again, Marti doesn't like it. Do you think that if we quit she will?
I am not sure what to do here.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
word" thing and she caught on REALLY fast. In fact, she was often correcting
everyone around her when they would swear from the time she could talk.
Now, we don't even care about swearing, but she still does. She tells us not
to swear. I have tried explaining to her that they are just words and that
they are expressions of strong feelings (most of the time), but she still
doesn't like it. Should we not do it out of respect to her (which is really
hard, I mean, we aren't sailors in this house. We don't really even swear a
lot and most of the time when we do it's either shit or dammit)?
She even told me yesterday or the day before that I couldn't use God's name
in vain because it was one of the ten commandments. It was an odd thing
because we haven't even been to church in about 3 years and we don't make
the Bible part of our daily (or even weekly or monthly) lives. In fact, the
only discussions we (as in me and my husband) do have about the Bible have
to do with some of the things that we DON'T agree with in the Bible.
Also, our 4 yo swears like we do and we don't make a big deal out of it, but
again, Marti doesn't like it. Do you think that if we quit she will?
I am not sure what to do here.
--
Amanda
Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
"What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold from them
impoverishes them."
My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 3, 2008, at 7:15 PM, Amanda Horein wrote:
perspective on what she's feeling.
When I was a child, I associated swearing with upsetness which I
found unsettling. It made me feel life had become unpredictable as
though I didn't know what people would do with that anger and it
might get turned on me. (Which is odd since my family was even keeled
and I can't ever remember anyone doing anything scary or anger being
more than momentary. Just very sensitive I guess!) Which is why I
long ago decided not to swear. I wanted to feel in control of myself.
(Which is not an absolute. Just my child-logic at the time!)
Also it could be she likes rules. Not controlled herself by rules,
but rules that suggest the world works and life unfolds in
predictable ways. I also liked rules as a child. Rules felt secure.
Rules helped cut down on the choices I had to make. As an example,
and I'm making this up since my parents didn't impose a lot of rules
since I had my own set! ;-), it would feel more comforting to know
nights end at curfew rather than "whenever".
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> She tells us notThis doesn't answer your question but it might give you a different
> to swear. I have tried explaining to her that they are just words
> and that
> they are expressions of strong feelings (most of the time), but she
> still
> doesn't like it.
perspective on what she's feeling.
When I was a child, I associated swearing with upsetness which I
found unsettling. It made me feel life had become unpredictable as
though I didn't know what people would do with that anger and it
might get turned on me. (Which is odd since my family was even keeled
and I can't ever remember anyone doing anything scary or anger being
more than momentary. Just very sensitive I guess!) Which is why I
long ago decided not to swear. I wanted to feel in control of myself.
(Which is not an absolute. Just my child-logic at the time!)
Also it could be she likes rules. Not controlled herself by rules,
but rules that suggest the world works and life unfolds in
predictable ways. I also liked rules as a child. Rules felt secure.
Rules helped cut down on the choices I had to make. As an example,
and I'm making this up since my parents didn't impose a lot of rules
since I had my own set! ;-), it would feel more comforting to know
nights end at curfew rather than "whenever".
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/4/2008 12:58:29 A.M. Pacific Standard Time,
jfetteroll@... writes:
Also it could be she likes rules. Not controlled herself by rules,
but rules that suggest the world works and life unfolds in
predictable ways. I also liked rules as a child. Rules felt secure.
Rules helped cut down on the choices I had to make. As an example,
and I'm making this up since my parents didn't impose a lot of rules
since I had my own set! ;-), it would feel more comforting to know
nights end at curfew rather than "whenever".
me, too!!! i was wondering that also when i read the original question. i
once decided i wasn't allowed to go barefoot until it was 80 degrees outside,
lol! all for the same reasons above. and i can see how swearing might feel the
same, especially since you mentioned the issue of god.
Karen
**************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.
(http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?NCID=aolcmp003000000025
48)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jfetteroll@... writes:
Also it could be she likes rules. Not controlled herself by rules,
but rules that suggest the world works and life unfolds in
predictable ways. I also liked rules as a child. Rules felt secure.
Rules helped cut down on the choices I had to make. As an example,
and I'm making this up since my parents didn't impose a lot of rules
since I had my own set! ;-), it would feel more comforting to know
nights end at curfew rather than "whenever".
me, too!!! i was wondering that also when i read the original question. i
once decided i wasn't allowed to go barefoot until it was 80 degrees outside,
lol! all for the same reasons above. and i can see how swearing might feel the
same, especially since you mentioned the issue of god.
Karen
**************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.
(http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?NCID=aolcmp003000000025
48)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
We never really told DS that anything was a 'bad' word - we just
don't much use them anyhow so it really didn't come up. Extended
family members might use something at times but, it seems, as long
as it didn't come from *us* (me and DH), DS ignored it. Then, when
he was maybe 6ish, we had guests over one evening for dinner. DH,
DS, and one of the guests were playing a videogame and DS'
character "died". He said 'Damn' - startled the heck out of me since
I'd NEVER heard him say that EVER before then. The sudden
grownup 'hush' that fell over the room upset DS and he went to his
room and requested privacy for a bit (I checked on him and that's
what he wanted). He came down a bit later and still beat both adults
at the game even with the time gap:-) For days afterward, though, he
was quite rude and unusually aggressive with DH. So, while DS and I
were on our 'date' that week, I asked about the situation. DS was
upset that there were some words grownups could say but kids
couldn't - apparently during a vexing repair around the house, DH
had said Damn. I told DS that sometimes things slip out, adults or
kids, and what should we do about that situation. He said we should
use food words because kids can say them - so things like Popcorn!
Fudge! Peanut butter! were okay. Fine and dandy with me. Also, we
agreed that anything he heard us say, he was free to say as well. I
relayed the info to DH and he was fine with it too. Fast forward a
few years (DS is almost 10 now) - the occasional Damn slips out of
DH but DS and I basically don't use any of the typical "swear
words" - once DS felt free to use Damn etc he didn't need to bother
with it - things were once again equal for kids and adults in our
house and life went on.
--Deb
don't much use them anyhow so it really didn't come up. Extended
family members might use something at times but, it seems, as long
as it didn't come from *us* (me and DH), DS ignored it. Then, when
he was maybe 6ish, we had guests over one evening for dinner. DH,
DS, and one of the guests were playing a videogame and DS'
character "died". He said 'Damn' - startled the heck out of me since
I'd NEVER heard him say that EVER before then. The sudden
grownup 'hush' that fell over the room upset DS and he went to his
room and requested privacy for a bit (I checked on him and that's
what he wanted). He came down a bit later and still beat both adults
at the game even with the time gap:-) For days afterward, though, he
was quite rude and unusually aggressive with DH. So, while DS and I
were on our 'date' that week, I asked about the situation. DS was
upset that there were some words grownups could say but kids
couldn't - apparently during a vexing repair around the house, DH
had said Damn. I told DS that sometimes things slip out, adults or
kids, and what should we do about that situation. He said we should
use food words because kids can say them - so things like Popcorn!
Fudge! Peanut butter! were okay. Fine and dandy with me. Also, we
agreed that anything he heard us say, he was free to say as well. I
relayed the info to DH and he was fine with it too. Fast forward a
few years (DS is almost 10 now) - the occasional Damn slips out of
DH but DS and I basically don't use any of the typical "swear
words" - once DS felt free to use Damn etc he didn't need to bother
with it - things were once again equal for kids and adults in our
house and life went on.
--Deb
Mark V Fullerton
Sometimes when people behave toward me in ways that I find annoying or
offensive, yet puzzling since we are at least friendly acquaintances,
I choose to interpret their action as a kind of question: How do you
deal with this kind of behavior?
Your daughter has previously experienced from you an apparent demand
from you to change her behavior for no other reason than "we don't
like it". While the swearing itself is no longer an issue, I think its
pretty likely that she's having contact with other adults in the
world, and perhaps even other children, who are demanding that she
stop doing this or that, and providing no other reason than that they
don't like it.
So it is as if she is asking you "How do you deal with this?" in
experiential terms, since she perhaps is not yet capable of
conceptualizing and verbalizing this.
I'm not sure if it is possible to tell whether this is what is really
going on, but thinking of it as if it were may lead to some
interesting new choices about how to respond to her. For example, I
would be inclined to explain that we are sometimes willing to change
our behavior for someone whom we are in a relationship with for no
better reason than that they don't like it, because we value our
relationship with them and want them to feel comfortable with us;
other times we feel it is too much to ask for us to change our
behavior, and we prefer them to change theirs instead - in the form of
learning to accept ours. And as a parent we sometimes ask our children
to change their behavior, or even insist that they do, not only
because it bugs us, but because we believe it will be helpful or even
necessary for them to get along in the world. So at this point asking
your daughter to accept your swearing is another request to change her
behavior; partly because it bugs you, but also because its pretty
clear that that kind of behavior is going to bug other people too. Its
a bit awkward, in that its a reversal of your previous request/demand,
but perhaps that can also be used as an opportunity to admit that yes,
mom makes mistakes sometimes, or at any rate needs to fine-tune her
requests (what was appropriate for one age may not be appropriate for
another) and that her feedback about this is valued.
-- Mark V.
(still working on creating a profile/blogspot)
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein" <horein@...>
wrote:
offensive, yet puzzling since we are at least friendly acquaintances,
I choose to interpret their action as a kind of question: How do you
deal with this kind of behavior?
Your daughter has previously experienced from you an apparent demand
from you to change her behavior for no other reason than "we don't
like it". While the swearing itself is no longer an issue, I think its
pretty likely that she's having contact with other adults in the
world, and perhaps even other children, who are demanding that she
stop doing this or that, and providing no other reason than that they
don't like it.
So it is as if she is asking you "How do you deal with this?" in
experiential terms, since she perhaps is not yet capable of
conceptualizing and verbalizing this.
I'm not sure if it is possible to tell whether this is what is really
going on, but thinking of it as if it were may lead to some
interesting new choices about how to respond to her. For example, I
would be inclined to explain that we are sometimes willing to change
our behavior for someone whom we are in a relationship with for no
better reason than that they don't like it, because we value our
relationship with them and want them to feel comfortable with us;
other times we feel it is too much to ask for us to change our
behavior, and we prefer them to change theirs instead - in the form of
learning to accept ours. And as a parent we sometimes ask our children
to change their behavior, or even insist that they do, not only
because it bugs us, but because we believe it will be helpful or even
necessary for them to get along in the world. So at this point asking
your daughter to accept your swearing is another request to change her
behavior; partly because it bugs you, but also because its pretty
clear that that kind of behavior is going to bug other people too. Its
a bit awkward, in that its a reversal of your previous request/demand,
but perhaps that can also be used as an opportunity to admit that yes,
mom makes mistakes sometimes, or at any rate needs to fine-tune her
requests (what was appropriate for one age may not be appropriate for
another) and that her feedback about this is valued.
-- Mark V.
(still working on creating a profile/blogspot)
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Horein" <horein@...>
wrote:
>that's a bad
> When my oldest (7.5) was just starting to talk we did the "no,
> word" thing and she caught on REALLY fast. In fact, she was oftencorrecting
> everyone around her when they would swear from the time she could talk.tells us not
>
> Now, we don't even care about swearing, but she still does. She
> to swear. I have tried explaining to her that they are just wordsand that
> they are expressions of strong feelings (most of the time), but shestill
> doesn't like it. Should we not do it out of respect to her (which isreally
> hard, I mean, we aren't sailors in this house. We don't really evenswear a
> lot and most of the time when we do it's either shit or dammit)?God's name
>
> She even told me yesterday or the day before that I couldn't use
> in vain because it was one of the ten commandments. It was an odd thingmake
> because we haven't even been to church in about 3 years and we don't
> the Bible part of our daily (or even weekly or monthly) lives. Infact, the
> only discussions we (as in me and my husband) do have about theBible have
> to do with some of the things that we DON'T agree with in the Bible.it, but
>
> Also, our 4 yo swears like we do and we don't make a big deal out of
> again, Marti doesn't like it. Do you think that if we quit she will?from them
>
> I am not sure what to do here.
>
> --
> Amanda
> Wife to Roger (together 10 years)
> Mum to Marti (7.5) and Lilly (4)
> Babysitter to Stella (3.5)
> http://whatmykidstaughtme.blogspot.com/
>
> "What you give to your children enriches them. What you withhold
> impoverishes them."
>
> My love to Uncle Jesse's family. Know that I love and miss him.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>