[email protected]

This quote is from a different list I'm on:

"I remember about a month after I started reading a bunch of parenting
books
( The No Cry Sleep Solution, lots of Dr. Sears books. I was two months
pregnant with our oldest.) DH said he hadn't really thought being a
parent
was something you had to study for. You just did what your own parents
did.
We discussed our own childhoods and agreed we wanted something better
for
our kids. So, despite many comments from our parents and others we
co-slept, breastfed (well, I did anyway), wore our babies, had a home
water
birth, etc."


Ben and I were L-A-T-E. I so wish we had done this from the get-go, but
we made huge strides as older parents.

I'm so envious of those of you who figured/are figuring this out early.

We hear a lot about just going with your heart/instincts/whatever. But,
basically, we were just doing what had been modeled for us---what our
parents had done. Ben and I had very similar childhoods---very
Southern, very traditional, very controlled. It wasn't second nature
*at all* to us to think about the kids *now*---all our thoughts were
about our kids in 20 years to come. What kind of adults would they be,
not what kind of children they are *now*.

That was a huge revelation for us.

Reading these lists and the old message board gave us so much to think
about. Stopping and *thinking* before we said or did anything. Actually
TRYING to be a better parent.

My dad is/was a pretty great dad, but I don't know that he actively
strived to be a better parent every day. I know my mother didn't. Ben's
either. They've both said, "I may have made a few mistakes, but *you*
turned out just fine." It was all about the finished product. Never
mind the pain and insecurity and anger and doubt. We turned out just
fine. No self-reflection, no self-examination. Just do what *your*
parents did, and the kids will turn out fine.

I'm sure it's seen as a slap in their faces for us to reject the way we
were reared, but frankly that's not *my* problem.

I want my boys to have even fewer things to work through than I did.
I'm pretty sure that's the case already. We talk a lot about parenting
WITH the boys! I doubt that's discussed---or even allowed to be
discussed---in many families. But they are appalled at some of the
parenting practices we see at Walmart. ANd BOTH have called me on
things when I wasn't doing the best I could. <G>

I wish there were some kind of "Reflect on Your Own Childhood" seminar
that new parents could take---to see whether that's the same kind of
parenting the want to engage in. How many teens say,"I'd *never* do/say
that to *my* children"---yet grow up and do just that?

It takes a lot of internal therapy to get over our feelings towards our
parents and how we were reared.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
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swissarmy_wife

Thanks for sharing this. What you said reminds me of my teens. My
mother did and STILL DOES lay on the guilt for EVERYTHING. As a teen
I could barely move a muscle without wondering if I had done something
wrong.

This sounds like a good conference seminar. I think all parents could
benefit from something like this. Not just new ones. Even though I
am fairly comfortable in our lives, things come up and need to be
dealt with.

Food for thought.

-Heather




>
> I wish there were some kind of "Reflect on Your Own Childhood" seminar
> that new parents could take---to see whether that's the same kind of
> parenting the want to engage in. How many teens say,"I'd *never* do/say
> that to *my* children"---yet grow up and do just that?
>
> It takes a lot of internal therapy to get over our feelings towards our
> parents and how we were reared.
>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
> ________________________________________________________________________
> More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
> http://webmail.aol.com
>

carenkh

Hmmm... you know, I had the idea for "Unschooling Your Inner Child"
for L&L... maybe it could be a circle discussion? And folks could
share what has worked for them. I've done a LOT of work in this area,
as have most unschoolers I know.

peace,
Caren



--- In [email protected], "swissarmy_wife"
<heatherbean@...> wrote:
>

> This sounds like a good conference seminar. I think all parents could
> benefit from something like this. Not just new ones.

Debra Rossing

Actually, part of our pre-marital counselling (which we did before we
got engaged - go ahead and chuckle all your folks out there who know how
early I start planning to attend conferences and such lol) included
talking about our childhoods, the interactions between mom and dad, mom
and kids, dad and kids, "discipline", etc. So, we got started on that
discussion early on and just never stopped, it was just an ongoing part
of the whole.

Deb


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Jodi Bezzola

Wow, I'm envious of *that*. We got together, got pregnant, had 2 babies, spent the first couple of years realizing we hadn't talked about *anything*, *then* we began the discussion. Although we certainly know by now what we *don't* want, so that brings much clarity too, just more stress figuring it all out on the fly! Now if we could only find the time to actually get married...<g>

Jodi

Debra Rossing <debra.rossing@...> wrote:
Actually, part of our pre-marital counselling (which we did before we
got engaged - go ahead and chuckle all your folks out there who know how
early I start planning to attend conferences and such lol) included
talking about our childhoods, the interactions between mom and dad, mom
and kids, dad and kids, "discipline", etc. So, we got started on that
discussion early on and just never stopped, it was just an ongoing part
of the whole.

Deb

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

--- In [email protected], "carenkh" <carenkh@...> wrote:
>
> Hmmm... you know, I had the idea for "Unschooling Your Inner Child"
> for L&L... maybe it could be a circle discussion? And folks could
> share what has worked for them. I've done a LOT of work in this area,
> as have most unschoolers I know.
>


I think Kelly just signed you up to lead the discussion!;)lol
I do a talk called "The Zen of Unschooling" that touches on this
aspect of the journey. I do think you should lead a discussion about
this. Very cool.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Debra Rossing <debra.rossing@...>

Actually, part of our pre-marital counselling (which we did before we
got engaged - go ahead and chuckle all your folks out there who know how
early I start planning to attend conferences and such lol) included
talking about our childhoods, the interactions between mom and dad, mom
and kids, dad and kids, "discipline", etc. So, we got started on that
discussion early on and just never stopped, it was just an ongoing part
of the whole.

-=-=-==-

Yeah---I'm an early-prep/do a lot of research kind of gal. I do some
early conference planning too. <g>

Unfortunately, even with the pre-marital counseling, Ben and I were in
agreement that we would pretty much parent the way our parents did. We
both agreed that the way we were reared had produced two pretty nice
people---we WERE marrying each other: how bad could we think we were?
<BWG>

So there wasn't a lot---no, there was NO---thought given to that part.
We talked about it and agreed that it was good.

Bummer.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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