bickering
Maisha Khalfani
Sorry for the cross-post - I'm looking for different perspectives and
answers.
Ugh! The bickering!!! Usually it's over toys, but sometimes it's just over
"stuff". Khalid (4) wants the same toy Khidar (2) has. Khidar takes
Dakari's (8) paper and rips it up. Khalid is grabbing Khidar by the face.
Khidar takes something of Safiya's (9) and breaks it and now she's crying.
Dakari is "policing" Khalid. Well...Dakari is policing everyone coming
behind them telling them what they should and shouldn't be doing and why.
Khidar is singing in Khalid's face and Khalid starts yelling "STOP!", which
makes Khidar sing more. Which makes Khalid yell more. Which makes dad yell
"QUIET!" Khalid starts dancing around in Khidar/Dakari/Safiya's face and
they yell "STOP!...but Khalid doesn't stop. If Khalid is doing it to
Khidar, Khidar hits Khalid and now Khalid is crying. Khidar has Khalid's
toy and Khalid is crying because Khidar has his toy and he wants it back.
Khidar doesn't want to give up the toy. Safiya goes into her room, Khalid
follows, and Safiya yells "GET OUT!" (yet Safiya is always welcome in her
brother's room) The tv is blaring in the background, the children are
playing, running, and just talking at a loud volume, and dad is yelling
"QUIET!" so he can hear the tv, and then he turns the tv up louder so he can
hear it.
This is the ongoing scenario pretty much all evening. Well.everyday - no
matter what the day. I feel like I'm refereeing all evening. And I
honestly (still) don't know how to handle it. Most of the time I put the
coveted toy away, tell Safiya and Dakari to put any precious items in their
drawers or on the shelves in their closets so that Khidar can't reach them
(Safiya shares a room with Khidar/Dakari shares a room with Khalid); I tell
Dakari stop policing because it upsets his siblings, I separate Khalid and
Khidar (over and over again), I remind Khalid not to grab Khidar's face -
Khalid corrects me and tells me it's Khidar cheeks (ha ha). I say don't
grab his cheeks them. I take Khalid's toy from Khidar, which of course
makes Khidar angry; I tell Khalid come out of Safiya's room, and remind
Safiya that they never kick her out of their room. By 8pm I'm exhausted and
cranky to be honest with you. After working and dealing with irate adults,
I come home and deal with irate children. And then I question my ability to
do this again full time in the Spring.
Of course, I have to abandon my vision of a nice, quiet home; which is hard
for me because I do love quiet so much.
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
answers.
Ugh! The bickering!!! Usually it's over toys, but sometimes it's just over
"stuff". Khalid (4) wants the same toy Khidar (2) has. Khidar takes
Dakari's (8) paper and rips it up. Khalid is grabbing Khidar by the face.
Khidar takes something of Safiya's (9) and breaks it and now she's crying.
Dakari is "policing" Khalid. Well...Dakari is policing everyone coming
behind them telling them what they should and shouldn't be doing and why.
Khidar is singing in Khalid's face and Khalid starts yelling "STOP!", which
makes Khidar sing more. Which makes Khalid yell more. Which makes dad yell
"QUIET!" Khalid starts dancing around in Khidar/Dakari/Safiya's face and
they yell "STOP!...but Khalid doesn't stop. If Khalid is doing it to
Khidar, Khidar hits Khalid and now Khalid is crying. Khidar has Khalid's
toy and Khalid is crying because Khidar has his toy and he wants it back.
Khidar doesn't want to give up the toy. Safiya goes into her room, Khalid
follows, and Safiya yells "GET OUT!" (yet Safiya is always welcome in her
brother's room) The tv is blaring in the background, the children are
playing, running, and just talking at a loud volume, and dad is yelling
"QUIET!" so he can hear the tv, and then he turns the tv up louder so he can
hear it.
This is the ongoing scenario pretty much all evening. Well.everyday - no
matter what the day. I feel like I'm refereeing all evening. And I
honestly (still) don't know how to handle it. Most of the time I put the
coveted toy away, tell Safiya and Dakari to put any precious items in their
drawers or on the shelves in their closets so that Khidar can't reach them
(Safiya shares a room with Khidar/Dakari shares a room with Khalid); I tell
Dakari stop policing because it upsets his siblings, I separate Khalid and
Khidar (over and over again), I remind Khalid not to grab Khidar's face -
Khalid corrects me and tells me it's Khidar cheeks (ha ha). I say don't
grab his cheeks them. I take Khalid's toy from Khidar, which of course
makes Khidar angry; I tell Khalid come out of Safiya's room, and remind
Safiya that they never kick her out of their room. By 8pm I'm exhausted and
cranky to be honest with you. After working and dealing with irate adults,
I come home and deal with irate children. And then I question my ability to
do this again full time in the Spring.
Of course, I have to abandon my vision of a nice, quiet home; which is hard
for me because I do love quiet so much.
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
Ugh! The bickering!!!
<snip>
The tv is blaring in the background, the children are
playing, running, and just talking at a loud volume, and dad is yelling
"QUIET!" so he can hear the tv, and then he turns the tv up louder so
he can
hear it.
-=-=-=-=-
So TV's more important?
-=-=-=-=-
This is the ongoing scenario pretty much all evening. Well.everyday -
no
matter what the day. I feel like I'm refereeing all evening.
-=-=-=-=-
Refereeing isn't the same a BEING with the children
-=-=-=-=-=-
And Ihonestly (still) don't know how to handle it.
I put the coveted toy away,
(I) tell to put any precious items in theirdrawers or on the shelves
I tell Dakari stop policing
I separate Khalid and Khidar ,
I remind Khalid not to grab Khidar's face -
I say don't grab his cheeks them.
I take Khalid's toy from Khidar,
I tell Khalid come out of Safiya's room,
(I) remind Safiya that they never kick her out of their room.
-=-=-=-=-
OK. But what do you *DO*? Do you bake cookies? Do you pull out the Play
Do? Do you lay out paper and finger paints? Do you put in a
kid-friendly movie? Do you pull out bubbles (with plenty of bubble
wands? Do you make a pallet on the ground and watch the stars? Do you
play a board game? Do you make sock puppets? Do you put on a play?
You listed nine things, but not one of them was something to DO *with*
the kids. You're just refereeing. Stop refereeing and start DOing
something fun.
-=-=-=-=-=-
By 8pm I'm exhausted and
cranky to be honest with you. After working and dealing with irate
adults,
I come home and deal with irate children. And then I question my
ability to
do this again full time in the Spring.
-=-=-=-=-=-
If you're home all day, it starts to f-l-o-w after a while. What you're
doing now is trying to recuperate after each work day. Kids haven't
seen you, and they NEED time with you. They're getting that attention
any way they can.
Try making an *evening*---be prepared. DO something that could include
everyone. Have fun. They won't bicker if they're DOing. Engage them in
something fun.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Of course, I have to abandon my vision of a nice, quiet home; which is
hard
for me because I do love quiet so much.
-=-=-=-=-=-
How many kids do you have? What are their ages? <G> Maybe you should
have thought about your need for quiet before having kids! <G> It'll be
plenty quiet when they're all gone. Promise.
Maybe learn to love happy loudness for a while. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com
From: Maisha Khalfani <maitai373@...>
Ugh! The bickering!!!
<snip>
The tv is blaring in the background, the children are
playing, running, and just talking at a loud volume, and dad is yelling
"QUIET!" so he can hear the tv, and then he turns the tv up louder so
he can
hear it.
-=-=-=-=-
So TV's more important?
-=-=-=-=-
This is the ongoing scenario pretty much all evening. Well.everyday -
no
matter what the day. I feel like I'm refereeing all evening.
-=-=-=-=-
Refereeing isn't the same a BEING with the children
-=-=-=-=-=-
And Ihonestly (still) don't know how to handle it.
I put the coveted toy away,
(I) tell to put any precious items in theirdrawers or on the shelves
I tell Dakari stop policing
I separate Khalid and Khidar ,
I remind Khalid not to grab Khidar's face -
I say don't grab his cheeks them.
I take Khalid's toy from Khidar,
I tell Khalid come out of Safiya's room,
(I) remind Safiya that they never kick her out of their room.
-=-=-=-=-
OK. But what do you *DO*? Do you bake cookies? Do you pull out the Play
Do? Do you lay out paper and finger paints? Do you put in a
kid-friendly movie? Do you pull out bubbles (with plenty of bubble
wands? Do you make a pallet on the ground and watch the stars? Do you
play a board game? Do you make sock puppets? Do you put on a play?
You listed nine things, but not one of them was something to DO *with*
the kids. You're just refereeing. Stop refereeing and start DOing
something fun.
-=-=-=-=-=-
By 8pm I'm exhausted and
cranky to be honest with you. After working and dealing with irate
adults,
I come home and deal with irate children. And then I question my
ability to
do this again full time in the Spring.
-=-=-=-=-=-
If you're home all day, it starts to f-l-o-w after a while. What you're
doing now is trying to recuperate after each work day. Kids haven't
seen you, and they NEED time with you. They're getting that attention
any way they can.
Try making an *evening*---be prepared. DO something that could include
everyone. Have fun. They won't bicker if they're DOing. Engage them in
something fun.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Of course, I have to abandon my vision of a nice, quiet home; which is
hard
for me because I do love quiet so much.
-=-=-=-=-=-
How many kids do you have? What are their ages? <G> Maybe you should
have thought about your need for quiet before having kids! <G> It'll be
plenty quiet when they're all gone. Promise.
Maybe learn to love happy loudness for a while. <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com
swissarmy_wife
I'm not even going to touch the husband problem you have. I am lucky
to have a husband that enjoys being part of a family and we work
together on everything. He's my best friend. He was my best friend
BEFORE we married. I can't even comprehend it being another way.
However, My initial thought here is what are you DOING. You say one
of your children is trying to "police" everyone. It sounds like
he/she is imitating momma. I understand your working all day, but
honestly what is more tiring? Playing referee all night, while your
husband keeps turning up the TV? Or sitting down and playing a game,
painting, duck duck goose, simon says, making bread, ANYTHING.
Have you thought about trying to pick up an extra TV and movie player
for the kids room somewhere? Salvation Army? Cragislist? Freecycle?
-Heather
to have a husband that enjoys being part of a family and we work
together on everything. He's my best friend. He was my best friend
BEFORE we married. I can't even comprehend it being another way.
However, My initial thought here is what are you DOING. You say one
of your children is trying to "police" everyone. It sounds like
he/she is imitating momma. I understand your working all day, but
honestly what is more tiring? Playing referee all night, while your
husband keeps turning up the TV? Or sitting down and playing a game,
painting, duck duck goose, simon says, making bread, ANYTHING.
Have you thought about trying to pick up an extra TV and movie player
for the kids room somewhere? Salvation Army? Cragislist? Freecycle?
-Heather
> Ugh! The bickering!!!
Lisa
The main thing that stands out to me in your post is all the things
you are "doing" to stop the bickering. I have always felt that when
my kids are going at each other "bickering" etc that if I get involved
in solving the dispute there is no way I can do it without choosing
sides. Have you ever been involved in something where someone you
loved chose a side against you ? How heartbreaking!
Try validating the feelings of your children and suggesting ways for
them all to get their needs met. Yes I understand that when your
brother takes your toy it makes you angry.. maybe when he asks for a
turn you can offer another toy and the option that in a few minutes
you can trade. It sounds like your kids are pretty young.... they
will only learn to cooperate together and with you if it's modeled to
them. You have a need for quiet but no one is respecting that need
and it makes you frustrated... really take some time to explore how
that makes you feel and then imagine being 4 and having a need for a
really great looking toy or to dance and sing and having someone tell
you to stop for what appears to be no reason at all??!!
Who is at home with the kids all day and what do they do? Are they
in other places where they are feeling frustrated and can that be
changed? It sounds like you are all coming together at the end of the
day already frustrated and exhausted!
Spend some time figuring out how you can meals easier, do some
planning as far as options for activities that you can offer to the
kids (perhaps the two youngest can finger paint while the older ones
tell you about their day while you get a few minutes to sit down and
breath!) Don't set up some sort of centers that they must do but have
a few options you can offer, playdoh, coloring, painting, reading a
book etc. YOu might find that sitting and smooshing playdoh around is
just what your brain needs after a busy day!
It sounds like your kids are vying for your attention....it's the
beauty and the pinch of having alot of kids (I have 4) ... it's hard
to acknowledge each one and validate each one's feelings and meet
their needs without getting what you need lost in the shuffle. Keep
in mind that someday they won't need you as much so if you miss this
time it will be sad indeed! It sounds like your husband is checking
out at the end of the day with the tv.... he has a need to see what he
is watching ... I don't know the situation .. is he at home all day
and off duty once you arrive or does he work also and need a while to
destress from his day as well?
My dad always liked to watch the news at night... there were times
that I was dying to tell him something and would run in and interrupt.
He never made me feel unimportant but would remind me that he really
had a need to watch the news and would have me sit with him until a
commercial break when he would give me his 100% attention even if I
over ran the commercial break. I always felt validated in my need to
share with him and appreciative that he didn't just pretend to pay
attention but trusted me and our relationship enough to ask me to wait
for a commercial. I didn't feel the tv was more important but that
his needs and my needs were both being met by each giving a little.
One suggestion I will offer also is that if you have any distance of a
drive home from your work that you spend it listening to an audio book
that is relaxing , relaxing music or just quiet so you are getting
your need for quiet met and getting recharged to meet your little ones
at home and meet their needs.
Take a deep breath and enjoy all the chaos that comes with busy
children! Find peace in that they are little for such a short time!
Lisa B
--
you are "doing" to stop the bickering. I have always felt that when
my kids are going at each other "bickering" etc that if I get involved
in solving the dispute there is no way I can do it without choosing
sides. Have you ever been involved in something where someone you
loved chose a side against you ? How heartbreaking!
Try validating the feelings of your children and suggesting ways for
them all to get their needs met. Yes I understand that when your
brother takes your toy it makes you angry.. maybe when he asks for a
turn you can offer another toy and the option that in a few minutes
you can trade. It sounds like your kids are pretty young.... they
will only learn to cooperate together and with you if it's modeled to
them. You have a need for quiet but no one is respecting that need
and it makes you frustrated... really take some time to explore how
that makes you feel and then imagine being 4 and having a need for a
really great looking toy or to dance and sing and having someone tell
you to stop for what appears to be no reason at all??!!
Who is at home with the kids all day and what do they do? Are they
in other places where they are feeling frustrated and can that be
changed? It sounds like you are all coming together at the end of the
day already frustrated and exhausted!
Spend some time figuring out how you can meals easier, do some
planning as far as options for activities that you can offer to the
kids (perhaps the two youngest can finger paint while the older ones
tell you about their day while you get a few minutes to sit down and
breath!) Don't set up some sort of centers that they must do but have
a few options you can offer, playdoh, coloring, painting, reading a
book etc. YOu might find that sitting and smooshing playdoh around is
just what your brain needs after a busy day!
It sounds like your kids are vying for your attention....it's the
beauty and the pinch of having alot of kids (I have 4) ... it's hard
to acknowledge each one and validate each one's feelings and meet
their needs without getting what you need lost in the shuffle. Keep
in mind that someday they won't need you as much so if you miss this
time it will be sad indeed! It sounds like your husband is checking
out at the end of the day with the tv.... he has a need to see what he
is watching ... I don't know the situation .. is he at home all day
and off duty once you arrive or does he work also and need a while to
destress from his day as well?
My dad always liked to watch the news at night... there were times
that I was dying to tell him something and would run in and interrupt.
He never made me feel unimportant but would remind me that he really
had a need to watch the news and would have me sit with him until a
commercial break when he would give me his 100% attention even if I
over ran the commercial break. I always felt validated in my need to
share with him and appreciative that he didn't just pretend to pay
attention but trusted me and our relationship enough to ask me to wait
for a commercial. I didn't feel the tv was more important but that
his needs and my needs were both being met by each giving a little.
One suggestion I will offer also is that if you have any distance of a
drive home from your work that you spend it listening to an audio book
that is relaxing , relaxing music or just quiet so you are getting
your need for quiet met and getting recharged to meet your little ones
at home and meet their needs.
Take a deep breath and enjoy all the chaos that comes with busy
children! Find peace in that they are little for such a short time!
Lisa B
--
Alysia
"It'll be plenty quiet when they're all gone."
This really struck me because my 16yo ds moved to live with his bio dad on the 1st of this year. Even with 2 other LOs my home is very quiet compared to how it was when my 16yo was here. It makes me very sad. I miss everything about him, his loud music, his obnoxious computer and video games, his messes all over the kitchen, hearing the door open and shut 10 times a night because he's doing whatever while I'm trying to sleep. I know it's hard sometimes but it's so important to just enjoy your children while they are with you and they are loud and rambunctious and "unruly" because they are gone in the blink of an eye.
I agree that the thing to do is come up with things to do with your children. The first thing would be to ask dad to turn the TV off (I don't know if that's doable in the home right now).
Alysia
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This really struck me because my 16yo ds moved to live with his bio dad on the 1st of this year. Even with 2 other LOs my home is very quiet compared to how it was when my 16yo was here. It makes me very sad. I miss everything about him, his loud music, his obnoxious computer and video games, his messes all over the kitchen, hearing the door open and shut 10 times a night because he's doing whatever while I'm trying to sleep. I know it's hard sometimes but it's so important to just enjoy your children while they are with you and they are loud and rambunctious and "unruly" because they are gone in the blink of an eye.
I agree that the thing to do is come up with things to do with your children. The first thing would be to ask dad to turn the TV off (I don't know if that's doable in the home right now).
Alysia
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maisha Khalfani
I actually didn't have the time to thank everyone for the responses to
bickering because I read them and then decided to go spend time with my kids
:-)
Thank you for reminding me that being in their presence is not the same
thing as being present.
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
_____
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bickering because I read them and then decided to go spend time with my kids
:-)
Thank you for reminding me that being in their presence is not the same
thing as being present.
Be at peace,
Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/
_____
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]