annx33

My 13 year old dd has been developing a relationship online with a boy. She has met him irl,
he was her instructor at a peer taught program called Bikes Not Bombs last spring. I've never
met him and as I write I realize I don't know how old he is. He has asked her out on a date -
- they want to go to the movies as friends, first. I'm uneasy about this, not knowing him at
all. She's feeling a lack of trust from me on this. I've suggested he come over just to hang
out, play rock band, etc (she's got two older brothers). She says he's shy and doesn't want to
do this, or she doesn't want it, I'm not sure. I'm looking for a win/win. I'd love some input.

Thanks, Ann.
(mom to dd13 and twin ds, 14)

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 29, 2008, at 9:12 AM, annx33 wrote:

> I'm uneasy about this, not knowing him at
> all. She's feeling a lack of trust from me on this.

How about "Can you help me feel more comfortable about this?" And,
rather than handing her a solution, brainstorm some possibilities.

Embrace your discomfort as your issue that you'd like her help with
rather than a barrier she needs to solve for you.

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kel9769

Hi Ann
I know with my 14yo dd I need to be able to let her know WHY I feel
uncomfortable with something. This has been a big shift for me in my
parenting style and I have to really work at it but it is getting
easier. once I am clear about why I feel uncomfortable and can
express it to her we can work on a solution together. Sometimes I
realize it's not a big deal and can let it go, sometimes she can see
the validity of my reason and she lets it go and soemtimes we work out
a compromise. I can see why you would be uncomfortable with letting
you daughter spend time with a boy when you have not met him and he
seems unwilling to hang out at your house. That would feel like more
of a safety issue than a trust issue to me. It's awesome you are
willing to really look at it and work it out with her.
Kelly

Mark V Fullerton

You might like to know that there is a movie available on DVD called "The Man in the
Moon" with Sam Waterston and Reese Witherspoon that has what might be called a
"relevant moment" in it where the 13-yr. old Reese Witherspoon has been frequently
seeing a local 16-yr. old young man at a nearby lake (they live in a very rural area, so the
young man is a neighbor). When the father Sam Waterston becomes aware of this, he asks
her to "bring him around sometime ... let me get a look in his eyes". The scene is
wonderfully acted, portraying him as asserting his rights to play the role of guardian and
protector, without wanting to unneccessarily control or interfere with her, or
unneccessarily scare off the boy. Perhaps watching the scene would help you to better
identify what your own feelings are. And the movie is a very good one overall so worth
seeing anyway - check out the Amazon reviews.
-- Mark V.

--- In [email protected], "annx33" <amcarlson@...> wrote:
>
> My 13 year old dd has been developing a relationship online with a boy. She has met
him irl,
> he was her instructor at a peer taught program called Bikes Not Bombs last spring. I've
never
> met him and as I write I realize I don't know how old he is. He has asked her out on a
date -
> - they want to go to the movies as friends, first. I'm uneasy about this, not knowing
him at
> all. She's feeling a lack of trust from me on this. I've suggested he come over just to
hang
> out, play rock band, etc (she's got two older brothers). She says he's shy and doesn't
want to
> do this, or she doesn't want it, I'm not sure. I'm looking for a win/win. I'd love some
input.
>
> Thanks, Ann.
> (mom to dd13 and twin ds, 14)
>