What kind of support from DH?
Robert Saxon
RU Ladies,
I need your perspective.
This is our scenario: DW has been working all day to stay connected with
dd2 (4.75), who is hitting her sister, throwing things, and spitting in DW's
face. Add to this at dinner, DW's mom comes over and talks to us about kids
needing to respect their parents. Enter frustration, anger, and
discouragement. And this kind of stuff has been happening a bit more often
than we'd like (esp. the "concerned mother" bit). Understandably, DW is
about to strangle someone or something at the end of the day.
So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
despite when they seem to occur close together?
Thanks for your time.
Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I need your perspective.
This is our scenario: DW has been working all day to stay connected with
dd2 (4.75), who is hitting her sister, throwing things, and spitting in DW's
face. Add to this at dinner, DW's mom comes over and talks to us about kids
needing to respect their parents. Enter frustration, anger, and
discouragement. And this kind of stuff has been happening a bit more often
than we'd like (esp. the "concerned mother" bit). Understandably, DW is
about to strangle someone or something at the end of the day.
So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
despite when they seem to occur close together?
Thanks for your time.
Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jodi Bezzola
Wow, that sounds like a really rough patch. I promise not to whine about anything at all (for a few days anyway!).
Could dw's mother *not* come over for awhile??
I love that you're asking the question about how best to support your wife. I don't have much experience here yet so I'm going to let the experienced ones reply and look forward to the suggestions along with you...then pass them on to my dh!
Jodi
Robert Saxon <TheSaxons@...> wrote:
RU Ladies,
I need your perspective.
This is our scenario: DW has been working all day to stay connected with
dd2 (4.75), who is hitting her sister, throwing things, and spitting in DW's
face. Add to this at dinner, DW's mom comes over and talks to us about kids
needing to respect their parents. Enter frustration, anger, and
discouragement. And this kind of stuff has been happening a bit more often
than we'd like (esp. the "concerned mother" bit). Understandably, DW is
about to strangle someone or something at the end of the day.
So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
despite when they seem to occur close together?
Thanks for your time.
Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Could dw's mother *not* come over for awhile??
I love that you're asking the question about how best to support your wife. I don't have much experience here yet so I'm going to let the experienced ones reply and look forward to the suggestions along with you...then pass them on to my dh!
Jodi
Robert Saxon <TheSaxons@...> wrote:
RU Ladies,
I need your perspective.
This is our scenario: DW has been working all day to stay connected with
dd2 (4.75), who is hitting her sister, throwing things, and spitting in DW's
face. Add to this at dinner, DW's mom comes over and talks to us about kids
needing to respect their parents. Enter frustration, anger, and
discouragement. And this kind of stuff has been happening a bit more often
than we'd like (esp. the "concerned mother" bit). Understandably, DW is
about to strangle someone or something at the end of the day.
So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
despite when they seem to occur close together?
Thanks for your time.
Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 03:33 1/27/2008, you wrote:
Rob, the thing that I have always needed and craved most of all from
my husband when things were going rough for me has been simply his
loving support in the form of empathic, reflexive listening. He
tends to want to fix things and tell me what I should do, but unless
I've specifically asked what he thinks I should do, I don't want or
need someone fixing my life. *I* can fix my life. What I need is
someone who loves me, who hears that I'm in pain, and holds a loving
space for me to get through my rough feelings. He'll listen, and the
feedback I most want is, "Wow! That sounds really hard!"
After she's gotten through the roughest of her feelings, you might
also *offer* to brainstorm ideas with her for dealing with her mom
and ways your wife can hold it together while your daughter is going
through *her* rough patches. Does your wife post here? (That could
be one of the ideas.) :-)
I'm guessing that you probably already do this, but picking up some
of her responsibilities would probably also help tremendously (i.e.,
getting dinner together or hanging with the kids while your wife goes
off and replenishes herself).
I hope that helps a little. That's a very loving question to ask!
~Marji
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do toWhat an amazing question to ask! Do you have any brothers? (Just kidding!)
>help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
>decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
>despite when they seem to occur close together?
>
>Thanks for your time.
Rob, the thing that I have always needed and craved most of all from
my husband when things were going rough for me has been simply his
loving support in the form of empathic, reflexive listening. He
tends to want to fix things and tell me what I should do, but unless
I've specifically asked what he thinks I should do, I don't want or
need someone fixing my life. *I* can fix my life. What I need is
someone who loves me, who hears that I'm in pain, and holds a loving
space for me to get through my rough feelings. He'll listen, and the
feedback I most want is, "Wow! That sounds really hard!"
After she's gotten through the roughest of her feelings, you might
also *offer* to brainstorm ideas with her for dealing with her mom
and ways your wife can hold it together while your daughter is going
through *her* rough patches. Does your wife post here? (That could
be one of the ideas.) :-)
I'm guessing that you probably already do this, but picking up some
of her responsibilities would probably also help tremendously (i.e.,
getting dinner together or hanging with the kids while your wife goes
off and replenishes herself).
I hope that helps a little. That's a very loving question to ask!
~Marji
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 07:18 1/27/2008, you wrote:
because you it's important to honor your wife's feelings*, but to the
extent that you do that, you might also gently show her where she's
being effective and successful. I'm not saying that you should
praise her or anything like that, but noticing her successes can be
very encouraging, especially if she's feeling down on her parenting ability.
*By this, I don't mean agreeing with her when she says something
like, "I suck at this!" But you can hold her and say, "Those are
such rough feelings to have!"
One more thing: Ask her what she needs from you. She may have very
specific ways in mind that you can support her.
Okay. One last thing, I swear! <bwg> She might benefit greatly
from having a session or sessions with a parenting coach, like Scott
Noelle. See if this might be a fit for your family:
http://www.scottnoelle.com/#coaching
I hope that helps!
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>At 03:33 1/27/2008, you wrote:I forgot something: You have to be careful when you're doing this,
> >So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
> >help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
> >decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
> >despite when they seem to occur close together?
> >
> >Thanks for your time.
because you it's important to honor your wife's feelings*, but to the
extent that you do that, you might also gently show her where she's
being effective and successful. I'm not saying that you should
praise her or anything like that, but noticing her successes can be
very encouraging, especially if she's feeling down on her parenting ability.
*By this, I don't mean agreeing with her when she says something
like, "I suck at this!" But you can hold her and say, "Those are
such rough feelings to have!"
One more thing: Ask her what she needs from you. She may have very
specific ways in mind that you can support her.
Okay. One last thing, I swear! <bwg> She might benefit greatly
from having a session or sessions with a parenting coach, like Scott
Noelle. See if this might be a fit for your family:
http://www.scottnoelle.com/#coaching
I hope that helps!
~Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Hi Rob for me what helps is when I am having a bad moment and I am ready to explode I call DH and he comes to the house ( we farm so he is just outside) and is very calm and non judgmental towards me or the kids. He also listens well.
He just comes in and plays with the kids and tries to figure out what we all need. Me time to cool down, the kids someone calm to be there for them.
So I guess you could be that person for her. Don't try to fix things , be the calm that sweeps in and takes over the kids so everyone has a moment to calm down.
Later you can talk about it if that helps.
As for the MIL I don't know. Sometimes if my DH has a doubt I just try to put him in the kids shoe so he can see with their little eyes.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He just comes in and plays with the kids and tries to figure out what we all need. Me time to cool down, the kids someone calm to be there for them.
So I guess you could be that person for her. Don't try to fix things , be the calm that sweeps in and takes over the kids so everyone has a moment to calm down.
Later you can talk about it if that helps.
As for the MIL I don't know. Sometimes if my DH has a doubt I just try to put him in the kids shoe so he can see with their little eyes.
Alex
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Gray
Hey,that IS me! LOL!
What my dh does is come home every day, and take over for an hour or
so. Just having that time to look forward to keeps me strong in the
face of anything. I have one day a week that I just leave the house,
and he takes over. Everyone loves it...the kids get time with just
dad, I get time alone, and dad gets some time to just be with the
kids. Its just as hard for him to be gone away from them all day, as
it is for me to be on nonstop.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
What my dh does is come home every day, and take over for an hour or
so. Just having that time to look forward to keeps me strong in the
face of anything. I have one day a week that I just leave the house,
and he takes over. Everyone loves it...the kids get time with just
dad, I get time alone, and dad gets some time to just be with the
kids. Its just as hard for him to be gone away from them all day, as
it is for me to be on nonstop.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Jan 27, 2008, at 2:33 AM, Robert Saxon wrote:
>
> So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH
> do to
> help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good
> about the
> decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
> despite when they seem to occur close together?
>
> Thanks for your time.
>
> Rob Saxon
> DH to Seana for 11 years
> "Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
:: anne | arun ::
hi rob,
im going to add to this though im not a "lady"... actually i dont
think anne would call herself that either though ;)
i do however do more of the 'hanging out with the kids', but we are
probably more even than most couples in that respect , as we both
share a home based biz.
in terms of support � when i am losing it, the thing that really
helps me is to be able to tell anne about what is happening for me
and for her to know when not to say anything. So not try to find
solutions or fix, as some people have already notedl. At best she
will ask a few questions which will allow me to step back and examine
what is happening.
I think for me it works best when she is there to support, listen but
also trust that i can work it out... so she does not try to "save the
day".
its interesting for me though because when the tables are turned and
she relates how she had a stressful day with the kids i start
spurting out things ive read and ideas to make it better, i also tend
to do my (as she calls it) "pseudo pop psychology" to try to
understand what is happening for her etc etc... so for me the
challenge is to shut up, validate and trust... ive learnt to do that
pretty well with the kids now but am still learning to do it in my
relationship. Its amazing how identifying one aspect of your life
(parenting in my case) as controlling can lead to a never ending can
of worms...
good on you for asking this question in the first place! That alone
shows your partner is remarkably well supported already.
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
im going to add to this though im not a "lady"... actually i dont
think anne would call herself that either though ;)
i do however do more of the 'hanging out with the kids', but we are
probably more even than most couples in that respect , as we both
share a home based biz.
in terms of support � when i am losing it, the thing that really
helps me is to be able to tell anne about what is happening for me
and for her to know when not to say anything. So not try to find
solutions or fix, as some people have already notedl. At best she
will ask a few questions which will allow me to step back and examine
what is happening.
I think for me it works best when she is there to support, listen but
also trust that i can work it out... so she does not try to "save the
day".
its interesting for me though because when the tables are turned and
she relates how she had a stressful day with the kids i start
spurting out things ive read and ideas to make it better, i also tend
to do my (as she calls it) "pseudo pop psychology" to try to
understand what is happening for her etc etc... so for me the
challenge is to shut up, validate and trust... ive learnt to do that
pretty well with the kids now but am still learning to do it in my
relationship. Its amazing how identifying one aspect of your life
(parenting in my case) as controlling can lead to a never ending can
of worms...
good on you for asking this question in the first place! That alone
shows your partner is remarkably well supported already.
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Yes, Arun is right. Listening and validating are essential. When you try to fix it makes her think she was wrong and if she was she needs no reminder at he moment.
Listen, validate, but I think very important for you to model when you interact with your children.
Model to her , she Will pick up tool on her own form that. And if she asks then you can have a discussion on it in a moment of peace.
I hope I am explaining it well.
Alex
: anne | arun: : Sun Jan 27 17: 10: 55@..., [email protected].;;;;;, ":: anne | arun ::" <life@...> wrote:
hi rob,
im going to add to this though im not a "lady"... actually i dont
think anne would call herself that either though ;)
i do however do more of the 'hanging out with the kids', but we are
probably more even than most couples in that respect , as we both
share a home based biz.
in terms of support when i am losing it, the thing that really
helps me is to be able to tell anne about what is happening for me
and for her to know when not to say anything. So not try to find
solutions or fix, as some people have already notedl. At best she
will ask a few questions which will allow me to step back and examine
what is happening.
I think for me it works best when she is there to support, listen but
also trust that i can work it out... so she does not try to "save the
day".
its interesting for me though because when the tables are turned and
she relates how she had a stressful day with the kids i start
spurting out things ive read and ideas to make it better, i also tend
to do my (as she calls it) "pseudo pop psychology" to try to
understand what is happening for her etc etc... so for me the
challenge is to shut up, validate and trust... ive learnt to do that
pretty well with the kids now but am still learning to do it in my
relationship. Its amazing how identifying one aspect of your life
(parenting in my case) as controlling can lead to a never ending can
of worms...
good on you for asking this question in the first place! That alone
shows your partner is remarkably well supported already.
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Listen, validate, but I think very important for you to model when you interact with your children.
Model to her , she Will pick up tool on her own form that. And if she asks then you can have a discussion on it in a moment of peace.
I hope I am explaining it well.
Alex
: anne | arun: : Sun Jan 27 17: 10: 55@..., [email protected].;;;;;, ":: anne | arun ::" <life@...> wrote:
hi rob,
im going to add to this though im not a "lady"... actually i dont
think anne would call herself that either though ;)
i do however do more of the 'hanging out with the kids', but we are
probably more even than most couples in that respect , as we both
share a home based biz.
in terms of support when i am losing it, the thing that really
helps me is to be able to tell anne about what is happening for me
and for her to know when not to say anything. So not try to find
solutions or fix, as some people have already notedl. At best she
will ask a few questions which will allow me to step back and examine
what is happening.
I think for me it works best when she is there to support, listen but
also trust that i can work it out... so she does not try to "save the
day".
its interesting for me though because when the tables are turned and
she relates how she had a stressful day with the kids i start
spurting out things ive read and ideas to make it better, i also tend
to do my (as she calls it) "pseudo pop psychology" to try to
understand what is happening for her etc etc... so for me the
challenge is to shut up, validate and trust... ive learnt to do that
pretty well with the kids now but am still learning to do it in my
relationship. Its amazing how identifying one aspect of your life
(parenting in my case) as controlling can lead to a never ending can
of worms...
good on you for asking this question in the first place! That alone
shows your partner is remarkably well supported already.
arun
_____________________________________________
http://www.theparentingpit.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Rossing
I can't really give a lot of advice since I WOH fulltime and DH is at
home with DS (9 1/2) - very different dynamic there. But, I just wanted
to second (or third) both kudos to you for even ASKING how to help as
well as the reminder to not try to just 'fix' the situation without
first providing some listening and empathy. A couple things to throw on
the table once you get to the "okay, how do WE deal with this?" (the We
part is important)
- let "Mom" know that she's welcome to come over for dinner on Thursdays
(or Mondays and Wednesdays or whatever you choose) but that you'd like
to have dinners be just family times the rest of the week (maybe even
quote all those "the family who eats dinner together..." public service
commercials. That you appreciate her concern but what would really help
most is for you and DW to have some uninterrupted time with the girls.
- give your DW some space regularly to have a soak int he tub or
whatever she finds refreshing - maybe even something like a
stitch'n'bitch group at the local Starbucks or a yoga class at the
community center. Whatever it is that helps her feel refreshed and
renewed and re-centered.
- do a bit of an "autonomy" inventory regarding your little one. That
age can be particularly rough in general and particularly if the child
doesn't feel heard or allowed to be more autonomous. Things like being
able to get her own juice, snacks, etc may seem like small things but go
a long way toward getting through this age. Include in the discussion
things like when is the negative behavior (hitting, throwing, spitting)
most likely to occur - tired? hungry? hurried? etc I know that if I try
to hurry DS, he can dig in and find any number of ways to make things
"difficult" because he's feeling pressured. Or, if we overstay someplace
that he's reluctant to be in the first place - for instance, FIL has
been hospitalized for the last two months and, while DH goes to visit on
his own, there are times when he'd like to have me with him - which
means bringing DS along as well. If we stay at the hospital more than
about an hour, despite a bag full of things (handheld videogames, puzzle
books, snacks, sketchpad, etc - all things DS chooses to bring), DS gets
more and more in my face (and DH's - and I mean literally as in putting
his hands over my eyes or poking my neck with his finger repeatedly) to
make it clear "We need to leave" rather than simply saying "Can we
leave?" he expresses his frustration physically. [PS yes, we have cut
back the number of times and duration that DS is at the hospital and
we're trying to figure out some sort of child care arrangement - but
this is going to be long term, possibly for the rest of FIL's life, that
he'll be in some sort of caregiving institution so there's a bit of
complication there]
Deb
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
home with DS (9 1/2) - very different dynamic there. But, I just wanted
to second (or third) both kudos to you for even ASKING how to help as
well as the reminder to not try to just 'fix' the situation without
first providing some listening and empathy. A couple things to throw on
the table once you get to the "okay, how do WE deal with this?" (the We
part is important)
- let "Mom" know that she's welcome to come over for dinner on Thursdays
(or Mondays and Wednesdays or whatever you choose) but that you'd like
to have dinners be just family times the rest of the week (maybe even
quote all those "the family who eats dinner together..." public service
commercials. That you appreciate her concern but what would really help
most is for you and DW to have some uninterrupted time with the girls.
- give your DW some space regularly to have a soak int he tub or
whatever she finds refreshing - maybe even something like a
stitch'n'bitch group at the local Starbucks or a yoga class at the
community center. Whatever it is that helps her feel refreshed and
renewed and re-centered.
- do a bit of an "autonomy" inventory regarding your little one. That
age can be particularly rough in general and particularly if the child
doesn't feel heard or allowed to be more autonomous. Things like being
able to get her own juice, snacks, etc may seem like small things but go
a long way toward getting through this age. Include in the discussion
things like when is the negative behavior (hitting, throwing, spitting)
most likely to occur - tired? hungry? hurried? etc I know that if I try
to hurry DS, he can dig in and find any number of ways to make things
"difficult" because he's feeling pressured. Or, if we overstay someplace
that he's reluctant to be in the first place - for instance, FIL has
been hospitalized for the last two months and, while DH goes to visit on
his own, there are times when he'd like to have me with him - which
means bringing DS along as well. If we stay at the hospital more than
about an hour, despite a bag full of things (handheld videogames, puzzle
books, snacks, sketchpad, etc - all things DS chooses to bring), DS gets
more and more in my face (and DH's - and I mean literally as in putting
his hands over my eyes or poking my neck with his finger repeatedly) to
make it clear "We need to leave" rather than simply saying "Can we
leave?" he expresses his frustration physically. [PS yes, we have cut
back the number of times and duration that DS is at the hospital and
we're trying to figure out some sort of child care arrangement - but
this is going to be long term, possibly for the rest of FIL's life, that
he'll be in some sort of caregiving institution so there's a bit of
complication there]
Deb
**********************************************************************
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they
are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify
the system manager.
This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept by
MIMEsweeper for the presence of computer viruses.
CNC Software, Inc.
www.mastercam.com
**********************************************************************
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alita Gotwald
Hi Rob,
Forgive me, but I do not understand all the abbreviations.... Anyway, sounds like a day at my house!! If DH refers to husband then he usually is good at "words of affirmation", to me regarding my parenting and lets me know that I am doing a great job. He realizes this isn't an easy task 24/7. He will go and have a talk with them and give me some time to breath. My kids are older 9, 8, 6, and 20 mo. We tend to have to revisit the same issues daily. As long as you and your wife are on the same page with parenting, disciplining issues, and the like, and be consistent with follow through on things then hopefully you will be gracious to her if she phones you during the day for encouragement or to vent to you. That always helps in my situation.
You need communication and compassion between each other, and turn your family into the "Saxon Team". Have a family meeting and discuss the "team motto" and what team work means. Let your kids see they are part of the family, their importance to the team, "The Saxon Team", and your family. This helps them to see again their value and position they hold thus, they will hopefully be more likely to "follow the rules", respect the 'team leaders", DH, DW, and have more responsibilities especially during those times when DW needs to have one on one time with another team member. Give rewards where needed, not bribery or they will expect it in order to get what YOU want. You can even make a tee-shirt with your own family team name on it, a wall mounted Team motto and what you stand for. Something tangible to see to remind you you are all part of this endeavor together in the good and bad. Positive words of affirmation to the hurting one is key, and offering to help by "their" direction is also key. Don't try to "fix it", DW just wants you to listen #1, and then go on her lead as to what you can do to help. Yelling, getting angry are no no's. Work together to solve the issue. It also works both ways if the shoe happens to be on the other foot. Just be careful not to condemn the caregiver and unload about the day you have had, know what I mean? It only makes it worse.
We try this as well, it works if there is consistancy,
best to you
Alita
Forgive me, but I do not understand all the abbreviations.... Anyway, sounds like a day at my house!! If DH refers to husband then he usually is good at "words of affirmation", to me regarding my parenting and lets me know that I am doing a great job. He realizes this isn't an easy task 24/7. He will go and have a talk with them and give me some time to breath. My kids are older 9, 8, 6, and 20 mo. We tend to have to revisit the same issues daily. As long as you and your wife are on the same page with parenting, disciplining issues, and the like, and be consistent with follow through on things then hopefully you will be gracious to her if she phones you during the day for encouragement or to vent to you. That always helps in my situation.
You need communication and compassion between each other, and turn your family into the "Saxon Team". Have a family meeting and discuss the "team motto" and what team work means. Let your kids see they are part of the family, their importance to the team, "The Saxon Team", and your family. This helps them to see again their value and position they hold thus, they will hopefully be more likely to "follow the rules", respect the 'team leaders", DH, DW, and have more responsibilities especially during those times when DW needs to have one on one time with another team member. Give rewards where needed, not bribery or they will expect it in order to get what YOU want. You can even make a tee-shirt with your own family team name on it, a wall mounted Team motto and what you stand for. Something tangible to see to remind you you are all part of this endeavor together in the good and bad. Positive words of affirmation to the hurting one is key, and offering to help by "their" direction is also key. Don't try to "fix it", DW just wants you to listen #1, and then go on her lead as to what you can do to help. Yelling, getting angry are no no's. Work together to solve the issue. It also works both ways if the shoe happens to be on the other foot. Just be careful not to condemn the caregiver and unload about the day you have had, know what I mean? It only makes it worse.
We try this as well, it works if there is consistancy,
best to you
Alita
----- Original Message -----
From: Robert Saxon<mailto:TheSaxons@...>
To: [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2008 1:33 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] What kind of support from DH?
RU Ladies,
I need your perspective.
This is our scenario: DW has been working all day to stay connected with
dd2 (4.75), who is hitting her sister, throwing things, and spitting in DW's
face. Add to this at dinner, DW's mom comes over and talks to us about kids
needing to respect their parents. Enter frustration, anger, and
discouragement. And this kind of stuff has been happening a bit more often
than we'd like (esp. the "concerned mother" bit). Understandably, DW is
about to strangle someone or something at the end of the day.
So here's my question. If this were you, what things could your DH do to
help encourage you? What could he do to really help you feel good about the
decision to parent the way you do? Despite the really rough days, and
despite when they seem to occur close together?
Thanks for your time.
Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years
"Daddy!" to Elissa (4.75) and Genevieve (6)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robert Saxon
Hey everyone,
Many thanks for your responses! I've been loaned out to another department
and trying to get my feet under me, ergo no response for a couple of days...
Seana and I read through these posts, and found them most helpful.
Definitely, encouragement that we're doing the right thing, esp. when she's
feeling overwhelmed is the biggest thing for her. I have an aversion to
fixing something for someone else unless they ask for it, but that led me to
mostly not saying much of anything at all. And I could see her straining
under the pressure. My encouragement to her really seems to be what she
needs for both the kids AND for her mother.
Once again, thanks for coming through! Now it's bck to work..
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years!
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (6!) and Elissa (4.75!)
p.s.
DH - Darling/Dear Hubby (or in this case "The Clueless One")
DW - Darling Wife
DD - Darling Daughter
DS - Darling Son
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Many thanks for your responses! I've been loaned out to another department
and trying to get my feet under me, ergo no response for a couple of days...
Seana and I read through these posts, and found them most helpful.
Definitely, encouragement that we're doing the right thing, esp. when she's
feeling overwhelmed is the biggest thing for her. I have an aversion to
fixing something for someone else unless they ask for it, but that led me to
mostly not saying much of anything at all. And I could see her straining
under the pressure. My encouragement to her really seems to be what she
needs for both the kids AND for her mother.
Once again, thanks for coming through! Now it's bck to work..
--Rob Saxon
DH to Seana for 11 years!
"Daddy!" to Genevieve (6!) and Elissa (4.75!)
p.s.
DH - Darling/Dear Hubby (or in this case "The Clueless One")
DW - Darling Wife
DD - Darling Daughter
DS - Darling Son
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]