Michelle Thedaker

I'm hoping for some thought sharing on the topic of child frustration, i.e.
a child who is easily frustrated and gets amped up very quickly and
intensely. Both of my boys are this way, my 8.5yo is Autistic so his
thinking has a tendency to be pretty rigid, he can really get fixated on
things and will amp up his energy to a blowout level very quickly. My 4.5yo
is at that age where he tends to have major ups and downs, lots of intense
emotions, etc. He's much easier to bring down from the precipice than my
older son, but when the little ones blows, it's massive - in both noise and
physical striking out.



In the (recent, sorry to say) past, these outburts have been met with
initial understanding and attempts to help calm them by myself and my
husband, but then ending up being yelling matches as everyone's energy goes
over the edge. Yipes! No fun for anyone and I always felt horrible
afterwards. I'm trying to find a way to stop myself before I go over the
edge, but listening to a shrieking child (or two, in stereo) for a long
stretch is sooo hard. The situations I'm talking about don't involve tasks
that I want them to do and they are resisting - I know better not to get
into that struggle! These are activities they are participating in (video
games, building with legos, etc.) and it's not working out the way they
intend, or one brother has an idea that he will not bend on, which makes the
other brother flip out (because the other is equally stubborn!). I
intervene as quickly as I can to try and head off the frustration, but they
both are the type to want it Just. That. Way. And nothing else will do,
period. So instead of being reasonable and figuring out a work-around or
alternative, they get fixated on what the original plan was and just make
themselves nuts over it.



Has anyone been through this with intense kids, and what are the techniques
you use to keep *yourself* calm, and give the kids the support and help they
need to bring themselves down. Any and all ideas are very welcome!



~Shell~

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mara

Hello everyone,
I hope it is o.k. to ask this here. A fellow
homescholing friend of mine is going through a really
hard time (husband lost job due to injury...). I have
been researching the web for work-at-home
opportunities but am very confused and wouldn't know
who to trust. Does anyone have experience with any of
these and some good advice or ideas? It would be much
appreciated!
All the best,
Mara



____________________________________________________________________________________
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Dory

--- Hi Shell. I have an Aspie boy who has inflexible thinking, so
yes, I know of what you speak. I try to encourage him to think
outside the box at times when he is relaxed and we are not dealing
with some major issue. RDI has helped with that too. The problem
is, as I see it, that they have a picture of how something should be,
and when it's not that way, it's hard for them to make sense of it.
ASD kids do tend to feel things on a much more intense level than
most people, so it's a real struggle for them to find balance.
I always try to keep that in mind, and it helps me to remember that
he's doing his best at all times to cope with his world.

You could maybe start working on this with an activity in which you
lead, so they are looking to you for guidance. Could be cooking,
gardening, making a craft. If they are unfamiliar with something,
they will need some guidance, and be less likely to have already
formed a picture of what the activity or project is supposed to look
like. Do this when you have lots of time, so they don't feel
pressured to finish something quickly and make your movements slow.
This always helps my boy.
HTH

dory


In [email protected], "Michelle Thedaker"
<pamperedthed@...> wrote:
>
> I'm hoping for some thought sharing on the topic of child
frustration, i.e.
> a child who is easily frustrated and gets amped up very quickly and
> intensely. Both of my boys are this way, my 8.5yo is Autistic so
his
> thinking has a tendency to be pretty rigid, he can really get
fixated on
> things and will amp up his energy to a blowout level very quickly.
My 4.5yo
> is at that age where he tends to have major ups and downs, lots of
intense
> emotions, etc. He's much easier to bring down from the precipice
than my
> older son, but when the little ones blows, it's massive - in both
noise and
> physical striking out.
>
>
>
> In the (recent, sorry to say) past, these outburts have been met
with
> initial understanding and attempts to help calm them by myself and
my
> husband, but then ending up being yelling matches as everyone's
energy goes
> over the edge. Yipes! No fun for anyone and I always felt horrible
> afterwards. I'm trying to find a way to stop myself before I go
over the
> edge, but listening to a shrieking child (or two, in stereo) for a
long
> stretch is sooo hard. The situations I'm talking about don't
involve tasks
> that I want them to do and they are resisting - I know better not
to get
> into that struggle! These are activities they are participating in
(video
> games, building with legos, etc.) and it's not working out the way
they
> intend, or one brother has an idea that he will not bend on, which
makes the
> other brother flip out (because the other is equally stubborn!). I
> intervene as quickly as I can to try and head off the frustration,
but they
> both are the type to want it Just. That. Way. And nothing else will
do,
> period. So instead of being reasonable and figuring out a work-
around or
> alternative, they get fixated on what the original plan was and
just make
> themselves nuts over it.
>
>
>
> Has anyone been through this with intense kids, and what are the
techniques
> you use to keep *yourself* calm, and give the kids the support and
help they
> need to bring themselves down. Any and all ideas are very welcome!
>
>
>
> ~Shell~
>
> "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
> love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Melissa Gray

I don't have much advise, I do have intense kids. I know that if I
try to resolve anything, i am prolonging the frustration and anger
because with MY kids they don't WANT me to help. What they want is a
witness and validator for their anger and frustration. If I try to
get involved in some manner, I've basically reset the entire episode,
because they feel like I'm not doing my job.

That really depends on the child, and the situation, so I don't know
how meaningful that is for you. My calm has been slow in developing,
because for the longest time I fell into the trap that 1) their
feelings mirrored my parenting and 2) that I was here to 'fix' them
and keep them from being upset. As time has passed, I've managed to
relinquish those mainstream thoughts, and let them own their
emotions. I do step in when I'm needed, and that just takes practice.
i do step in when someone is about to get hurt (oddly enough it's my
ten yo and my four yo, usually the younger going after the latter) We
have varying stages of spectrumy disorder, so I know what you mean
about one triggering the others. It gets better though....
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma




On Jan 19, 2008, at 4:10 PM, Michelle Thedaker wrote:
>
>
> Has anyone been through this with intense kids, and what are the
> techniques
> you use to keep *yourself* calm, and give the kids the support and
> help they
> need to bring themselves down. Any and all ideas are very welcome!
>
> ~Shell~
>
> "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
> love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lisa

Are you peeking through my window?? HA!
I have a 12 yr old daughter with autism and a 6 yr old son who has
sensory issues (probably on the spectrum also but we don't feel a need
for a dx at this point) They are both intense, rigid and clash like
oil and water whenever they try to do anything together (like live ,
eat at the same table , breath the same air... inhabit the same
planet!)
I do have times when I just have to send them away from each other
because one is really riding roughshod over the other and because of
their issues they often can't disengage without the suggestion. Our
therapist has been working with our daughter on role playing ways to
work out things, remove herself from the situation and knowing which
to do when etc. My son is so intense and so set on something turning
out in his hands exactly as his mind imagined it that he is often
overwhelmed and frustrated. It's easy to lose your temper and flare
back at them but I am sure you have noticed it just inflames the
situation! I try to remain calm and agree that I understand they
are upset and/or frustrated, I try to get him to show me or explain to
me what he is trying to accomplish... sometimes I offer suggestions
(usually offering several is more helpful because they really don't
appreciate being told what to do ... they don't mind help but they
don't like edicts) sometimes just having me verbally trouble shoot
helps him because he has a bit of a word retrieval issue and it's hard
for him to explain to me where his brain is going with something. My
daughter really needs to feel heard and to have as much control over
her environment as is comfortable for the rest of us. Her autism has
provided some pretty awesome gifts ... we try to allow them to
flourish even if it makes life at our house disorderly (think
thousands of half used sheets of drawing paper swirling around her
room and various other parts of the house)
There are times when I suggest to one or the other of them that maybe
taking a break would help them come back fresh to the situation and be
able to approach it with fresh eyes. Sometimes I tell them I am
frustrated and need to take a break and will come back to help them in
a few minutes. I think that when you are dealing with kids that are
frustrated it's so important to show them good coping skills...
imagine them as adults and thinking it's ok to hit or yell because
they are frustrated with someone. I would much rather see my
children as adults who can remove themselves from a heated situation
and return when they are able to be cool and respectful and agree or
disagree in a civil manner. I know that my children get their
intensity in part from me...I try to remember that so I understand
that and respect that rather than seeing it as something to be fixed.
Sometimes its a trait in myself that I don't like much so I really
have to consciously put a positive spin on it! Another thing you may
already know but with intense kids they often have a need for deep
pressure/crashing type movements... I find that just sort of wrapping
my arms around him (not an actual hug because he may not be able to
allow that at that moment) and holding him firmly calms his sensory
system and reorients his brain from sending off flares. Also speaking
quietly can sometimes help them bring it down a few notches as well.
One thing that sends my son over the edge is when I think I will just
take something from his hands and fix it to make his life easier...OH
BOY does that make him crazy... it just steals his power and makes him
miserable! For me this is one of the things that was a light bulb
moment of why taking away artificial limits, rules and giving him
freedom makes so much sense. Making another person powerless is the
worst sort of prison!
Lisa Blocker




--- In [email protected], "Michelle Thedaker"
<pamperedthed@...> wrote:
>
> I'm hoping for some thought sharing on the topic of child
frustration, i.e.
> a child who is easily frustrated and gets amped up very quickly and
> intensely. Both of my boys are this way, my 8.5yo is Autistic so his
> thinking has a tendency to be pretty rigid, he can really get fixated on
> things and will amp up his energy to a blowout level very quickly.
My 4.5yo
> is at that age where he tends to have major ups and downs, lots of
intense
> emotions, etc. He's much easier to bring down from the precipice
than my
> older son, but when the little ones blows, it's massive - in both
noise and
> physical striking out.
>
>
>
> In the (recent, sorry to say) past, these outburts have been met with
> initial understanding and attempts to help calm them by myself and my
> husband, but then ending up being yelling matches as everyone's
energy goes
> over the edge. Yipes! No fun for anyone and I always felt horrible
> afterwards. I'm trying to find a way to stop myself before I go
over the
> edge, but listening to a shrieking child (or two, in stereo) for a long
> stretch is sooo hard. The situations I'm talking about don't
involve tasks
> that I want them to do and they are resisting - I know better not to get
> into that struggle! These are activities they are participating in
(video
> games, building with legos, etc.) and it's not working out the way they
> intend, or one brother has an idea that he will not bend on, which
makes the
> other brother flip out (because the other is equally stubborn!). I
> intervene as quickly as I can to try and head off the frustration,
but they
> both are the type to want it Just. That. Way. And nothing else will do,
> period. So instead of being reasonable and figuring out a
work-around or
> alternative, they get fixated on what the original plan was and just
make
> themselves nuts over it.
>
>
>
> Has anyone been through this with intense kids, and what are the
techniques
> you use to keep *yourself* calm, and give the kids the support and
help they
> need to bring themselves down. Any and all ideas are very welcome!
>
>
>
> ~Shell~
>
> "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you
> love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Sarah

I personally do work from home, but I do not want to use this as an
advertising forum. If you are interested learning what I personally
do, please email me off list.

There are tons of moms, of all kinds, that are searching for work at
home. Some of them want work at home JOBS, others want to look into
Business Opportunities or Home Based Businesses. Which ever you are
looking for I would like to give you a bit of advice.

If you are looking for a work at home JOB:
-DO NOT pay anyone for you to work for them. Just like if you went
down to the local supermarket, fast food resturant, etc. You wouldn't
pay them.
-If you live in a big area try mystery shopping.
-If you don't mind having it take forever to accumulate some money you
could try online surveys.

If you are looking for Business Ops or Home Based Businesses:
-There WILL be start up costs! Plain and simple.
-Listen to all of them that come your way. If you don't really listen
you may just pass up a great opportunity.
-Take Notes!!
-Do tons of research on everything to do with Home Based Businesses.
-Go to the Better Business Bureau website and search through the
companies they feel are legit.
-Make sure your investment, no matter what the amount is protected by
some sort of guarantee in case things don't pan out for you.

Here is some advice that could be for either:
My advice to all who are looking for work at home is look into
everything. Find what fits you the best. If you don't feel it doesn't
fit you and your live move on to the next one. Don't sign-up if you
feel even a bit hesitate. That hesitation will always be in the back
of your mind and it could be the reason many people
aren't successful at home based businesses or even just home JOBS.
Trust your gut and remember your dreams and goals. So many have heard
horror stories of all the scams out there. It is OK to be cautious,
that's smart!

I hope this helps you all in your search for whatever kind of work
at home you are looking for. Whether it's a JOB or Busniess Op. it's
important to find the one that fits you, remember that in your search.

I also have a list of links I can email to you, to check for scams.
Just email me off list and I will get those to you.

Sarah

Michelle Thedaker

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and thoughts on
this situation! It's always nice to know that one is not alone, and
you've brought up ideas which I've tried in the past (like the deep
pressure!) that I haven't used in a while. I'm finding that just
being present and letting the kids know that nobody is "in trouble",
but that mom is here to help everyone use their words and work it out
has been a big step forward to harmony and understanding.

Thanks again!

Shell

Joni Zander

What Sarah wrote below is really, really great advice.

I just have one thing to add. IF you are looking into a direct sales
company for a Home Business opportunity, (Pampered Chef, Tupperware, Mary
Kay, Creative Memories to name just a few) shop around for your upline!
Talk to some of her other downline, attend one of her meetings, and make
sure she is in it for the long-haul, is an effective trainer, and supports
and motivates her team. Let her know how much you need to make each month
and see if she has a plan for you, and make sure it makes sense to you.



I personally do work from home, but I do not want to use this as an
advertising forum. If you are interested learning what I personally
do, please email me off list.

There are tons of moms, of all kinds, that are searching for work at
home. Some of them want work at home JOBS, others want to look into
Business Opportunities or Home Based Businesses. Which ever you are
looking for I would like to give you a bit of advice.

If you are looking for a work at home JOB:
-DO NOT pay anyone for you to work for them. Just like if you went
down to the local supermarket, fast food resturant, etc. You wouldn't
pay them.
-If you live in a big area try mystery shopping.
-If you don't mind having it take forever to accumulate some money you
could try online surveys.

If you are looking for Business Ops or Home Based Businesses:
-There WILL be start up costs! Plain and simple.
-Listen to all of them that come your way. If you don't really listen
you may just pass up a great opportunity.
-Take Notes!!
-Do tons of research on everything to do with Home Based Businesses.
-Go to the Better Business Bureau website and search through the
companies they feel are legit.
-Make sure your investment, no matter what the amount is protected by
some sort of guarantee in case things don't pan out for you.

Here is some advice that could be for either:
My advice to all who are looking for work at home is look into
everything. Find what fits you the best. If you don't feel it doesn't
fit you and your live move on to the next one. Don't sign-up if you
feel even a bit hesitate. That hesitation will always be in the back
of your mind and it could be the reason many people
aren't successful at home based businesses or even just home JOBS.
Trust your gut and remember your dreams and goals. So many have heard
horror stories of all the scams out there. It is OK to be cautious,
that's smart!

I hope this helps you all in your search for whatever kind of work
at home you are looking for. Whether it's a JOB or Busniess Op. it's
important to find the one that fits you, remember that in your search.

I also have a list of links I can email to you, to check for scams.
Just email me off list and I will get those to you.

Sarah

--
Joni Zander
PhotoCEO@...
ChoosingFreedom@...

Life/Parent Coaching at http://choosingfreedomjoy.blogspot.com
blogging at http://ajoyfuljourney.blogspot.com
website = www.MyCMSite.com/Joni


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Debra Rossing

Also, make sure you've checked into the legal and tax ramifications of
the situation - who pays what and when - for instance, if you have to
collect sales tax, that has to be accounted for and paid to the proper
agency with certain forms by certain dates. Sometimes, whomever you work
for will handle that and then send you a check for your portion of the
'sale', other times, you have to sort it out yourself. You'll also need
to deal with the income tax ramifications of it. And, in some areas,
there are certain types of things that can and cannot be run out of your
home (regulated by zoning ordinances). Typically, if you are going
someplace it's okay but if people are coming to you (increasing traffic
on the street, parking issues, etc) then there might be questions.
Likewise, if you are stocking quantities of something, taking many
deliveries, etc that'd be different than something where you process the
orders and the item(s) are drop shipped directly to the purchaser.

Deb


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rebecca de

Melissa Gray wrote:
1) their feelings mirrored my parenting and 2) that I was here to 'fix' them
and keep them from being upset.

Melissa I feel that I still have the both these thoughts -- what did you replace them with!! Just today we had an episode that dictated this completely.



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Melissa Gray

I wish I had some easy fix, but it's taken (okay, honesty break, it
is STILL taking) time in my happy shiny unschooly community. It's
taken people here and at the shine list to remind me to look at what
my OWN triggers are...and realize that I'm allowing someone else's
emotions to trigger mine. And then to step back and realize that my
biggest childhood baggage has been my own mother not allowing me to
have feelings that made HER uncomfortable. So I've replaced it with
physical things. If the kids are upset, then I remind myself to just
sit and listen. I honest to goodness bite my tongue. If I'm in the
middle of two upset kids, I tell them that I'm overwhelmed and ask if
I can have some time to think about what they said. I snuggle with
them alternatively.

Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane

blog me at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma




On Jan 23, 2008, at 10:36 AM, rebecca de wrote:

>
>
> Melissa Gray wrote:
> 1) their feelings mirrored my parenting and 2) that I was here to
> 'fix' them
> and keep them from being upset.
>
> Melissa I feel that I still have the both these thoughts -- what
> did you replace them with!! Just today we had an episode that
> dictated this completely.
>
>
> Recent Activity
>
> 28
> New Members
>
> Visit Your Group
> Yahoo! Kickstart
> Sign up today!
> Your school could
> win a $25K donation.
>
> Sell Online
> Start selling with
> our award-winning
> e-commerce tools.
>
> Yahoo! Groups
> Parenting Zone
> Share experiences
> with other parents.
>
> .
>
> ---------------------------------
> Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo!
> Search.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>



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